Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 :glare: 4th of July is a BIG deal in our house. We celebrate with bigger fireworks than the city until 1am out on my in-laws property. We bring the fireworks and most of the food. Anyone who wants to join us just shows up. We've done this for 16 years without issue or problem. Well this year my dh's cousin is bringing her boyfriend. Her married with 2 kids boyfriend who hasn't filed divorce, is just separated (not a legal separation either). Yes she is a 28 yr old adult, but well.. it's still rude, tacky, and immoral imho. Dh says he hopes our kids are terribly unsocialized and comment on it and such because he is old-school and personally thinks some bum needs kicked. (keep in mind dh views this cousin like a baby sister, a not the brightest bulb needs watching over kind of younger sister) I think we should tell the kids to mind their manners regardless. Adult confrontations are for adults. Also, please keep in mind, my I am the only religious person in the family. Dh is not religious, but he is very old-fashioned - esp in matters of marriage. Altho this is certainly our party, it's my in-laws place, so the notion of just not welcoming them is not as clear-cut a thing as if the party was at our own home, kwim? Her mother and my dh's parents don't mind this at all. In fact, her and her boyfriend are staying at my in-laws house for the weekend. So. Opinions? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My opinion. Children need to be well mannered and not tell adults what they should or should not be doing. My child would be in trouble if they said anything to an adult along those lines. (in private is different) It's your in-law's house - their rules. Go, be polite, have fun and discuss the moral issues in private with your children. If it bothers you too much or you don't want your children exposed to it, don't go. We've been in a somewhat different but similar situation before and that's how we handle it. One time I stayed home with the girls. Janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 If it bothers you too much or you don't want your children exposed to it, don't go. It's not an option to stay home. that woudl effectively mean canceling the entire thing. My in-laws are only letting us use their property, the food, the fireworks, the everything else is all us. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 There is no way I'd condone my children pointing out what's 'wrong' with another persons relationship. It's just totally inappropriate, it'd just make my family look like arses. I would tell MY children upfront to mind their own business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 It's not an option to stay home. that woudl effectively mean canceling the entire thing. My in-laws are only letting us use their property, the food, the fireworks, the everything else is all us. Why do your children have such intimate knowledge of this relationship and the facts surrounding it? Why would children be passing judgement and/or gossiping about an adult relationship? At 28, she isn't their peer and it is really no one else's business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Here is what I see happening... dc to Miss Cousin, "Are you married?.." I don't foresee them randomly commenting or telling anyone what to do. I do see them asking typical kid questions and being more than a little bit shocked that someone else's daddy would be hanging out with some other woman than their mother. The worst I can see any of my kids commenting is my teens might say something like, "Oh that doesn't sound appropriate..." or "I'm not sure that's right.".... "Appripriate" is kind of our house buzz word for unethical or immoral behavior. It's usually vague enough not to offend terribly, but it gets the point across to my kids. For example, if they see a R rated show or game being played, they might say that it doesn't seem appropriate if asked why they aren't participating and go do something else. Or I might say that isn't appropriate for them and they know to do something else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 It is just a "day outing", and not one where the pair would be "shacking up" overnight. Doesn't seem right for your dc to speak out about the situation. Just make sure that they have an age-appropriate understanding about what is "right vs. wrong". (This might include discouraging building a relationship of any more depth than "Good afternoon, How are you?") If they are minors, they really have to remain quiet. It's tough enough for an adult to know when, effectively, to speak versus to remain silent. We have similar situation with regard to religion. Our niece is being raised outside of the faith, which deeply upsets our dc. Even though I disagree all the way down to my core (and then on beyond) with what the parents are doing, it simply is NOT my place to interfere with how they raise her. Our dc are instructed firmly to stay quiet. Not to praise the situation, but definitely not to attack it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Adult conversations are for adults. Period. If your dh feels the need to have this discussion then he should have it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Why do your children have such intimate knowledge of this relationship and the facts surrounding it? Why would children be passing judgement and/or gossiping about an adult relationship? At 28, she isn't their peer and it is really no one else's business. Because she is always talking about it! How his kids walked in on them last weekend when he had them for the Saturday. How his wife keeps calling. And so forth... No one has to gossip about her. She's shameless and has a big mouth of her own. Complete with a facebook page. She's not exactly keeping anything private.:glare: As for passing judgement... I'm confused about that... Kids, esp older kids, aren't supposed to notice the people/world around them and make decisions about what is right and what is wrong?:confused: I totally disagree. My littler ones are probably not the issue. but yeah, 10 year old and certainly teens notice these things, but aren't known for having particuliarly well honed discretion yet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tammy Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 It sounds like you want to 'set them straight'....but it isn't your place...and I would stay out of it. Have the party....and have fun....that is what parties are for! . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Laurie4b Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I think I would tell them about the situation in an age-appropriate way ahead of time so they don't say something like that. dh can say something in person if he cares to. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 It is just a "day outing", and not one where the pair would be "shacking up" overnight. They are comming in from out of town and staying iwth my in-laws. And they are already shacking up. Adult conversations are for adults. Period. If your dh feels the need to have this discussion then he should have it. I agree. And he very likely will. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 What I meant is that your family would not be staying overnight in the same house as the other two. A day visit at some outside, neutral place is ok. For my own family, we would not stay overnight in a place with "room assignments" contrary to our beliefs. They are comming in from out of town and staying iwth my in-laws. And they are already shacking up. . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I think I would tell them about the situation in an age-appropriate way ahead of time so they don't say something like that. dh can say something in person if he cares to. Ack. Man, I must be really, really weird. I don't even KNOW what half my relatives are up to, nor do I particularily care, let alone all the details. I can't imagine explaining someone else's personal life to my children. I honestly consider it to be one of those situations that fall under the heading of Nunya. They aren't asking to stay in your home over night, etc. So its really, absolutely, Nunya. And double, triple, quadruple Nunya for the kids. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoyfulMama Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Because she is always talking about it! How his kids walked in on them last weekend when he had them for the Saturday. How his wife keeps calling. And so forth... No one has to gossip about her. She's shameless and has a big mouth of her own. Complete with a facebook page. She's not exactly keeping anything private.:glare: As for passing judgement... I'm confused about that... Kids, esp older kids, aren't supposed to notice the people/world around them and make decisions about what is right and what is wrong?:confused: I totally disagree. My littler ones are probably not the issue. but yeah, 10 year old and certainly teens notice these things, but aren't known for having particuliarly well honed discretion yet. Maybe this week your family can practice the art of speaking words only with kindness, and practice changing the topic away from something "maybe not quite appropriate" to something else! Some topics (discussions about what is right and wrong, as you put it) should take place at another time and place so as not to seem as if they are passing negative judgement. I think you have an opportunity for a great lesson on diversity and tolerance here. Good luck, and have fun at the picnic! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 It sounds like you want to 'set them straight'....but it isn't your place...and I would stay out of it. Have the party....and have fun....that is what parties are for!. the closest I would like to come to "putting them in their place" is to say that they need to keep that kind of talk to themselves instead of speaking like that around/to children and then getting ticked when the kids make an innocent comment about it being in appropriate, tyvm. for example, his phone rings and it's his wife and she says, "oh the b--- is calling to guilt him about the kids I bet"... which I've heard her say on the phone or via facebook...:glare: ug. maybe I'm over-thinking this... and should just let things play out as they will and take it as it comes.....maybe we'll get lucky and she'll be too busy making gooy eyes at him to talk much with the rest of us...:tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nmoira Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Dh says he hopes our kids are terribly unsocialized and comment on it and such because he is old-school and personally thinks some bum needs kicked. (keep in mind dh views this cousin like a baby sister, a not the brightest bulb needs watching over kind of younger sister) I think we should tell the kids to mind their manners regardless. Adult confrontations are for adults. I agree with you. How would your DH react if young nieces or nephews came up to him and remarked about how narrow minded or judgmental he is? [i'm looking for an extreme example and not passing judgment on your DH, whom I obviously don't know.] And then found out that this was condoned by their parents? It's an understatement to call this an insidious family dynamic. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 27, 2009 Author Share Posted June 27, 2009 Maybe this week your family can practice the art of speaking words only with kindness, and practice changing the topic away from something "maybe not quite appropriate" to something else! Some topics (discussions about what is right and wrong, as you put it) should take place at another time and place so as not to seem as if they are passing negative judgement. I think you have an opportunity for a great lesson on diversity and tolerance here. Good luck, and have fun at the picnic! hmmm... I really don't want to talk to her about this at all, much less unkindly. If dh feels it a kindness to point out to her the negatives of her relationship, then as family - that's his choice, not mine. My question is how to handle her talking about it around the kids. I can try to change the subject or tell the kids to go play, but I'm not sure that will work. She one of those folks that really doesn't get a hint unless it's delivered via 2x4 to the head.;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom4him Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 My opinion. Children need to be well mannered and not tell adults what they should or should not be doing. My child would be in trouble if they said anything to an adult along those lines. (in private is different) It's your in-law's house - their rules. Go, be polite, have fun and discuss the moral issues in private with your children. If it bothers you too much or you don't want your children exposed to it, don't go. We've been in a somewhat different but similar situation before and that's how we handle it. One time I stayed home with the girls. Janet :iagree:We struggle with a similar situation as my oldest daughter, 39 is living with her bf. He just recently got his divorce. I guess we have distanced ourselves to a point but they are always a part of family get togethers. They know how we feel about this and if a marriage doesn't come pretty soon I will address it AGAIN but I don't ever want to put my daughter in a position of feeling that she can't come to me. It gets complicated but so far my two haven't really asked about it and we don't go to their house, at all so I feel all I can do is teach them as it comes up and believe that they will have better scene than their older sister. They DO NOT SLEEP AT OUR HOUSE, UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonesloonybin Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 If you are throwing the party..I would just tell her.."I am sorry, but can we not talk about these things around the kids." I agree that it is their business what they do. However, if I am throwing a FAMILY party, I expect people to behave appropriately. That includes no cursing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
secular_mom Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 the closest I would like to come to "putting them in their place" is to say that they need to keep that kind of talk to themselves instead of speaking like that around/to children and then getting ticked when the kids make an innocent comment about it being in appropriate, tyvm. for example, his phone rings and it's his wife and she says, "oh the b--- is calling to guilt him about the kids I bet"... which I've heard her say on the phone or via facebook...:glare: ug. maybe I'm over-thinking this... and should just let things play out as they will and take it as it comes.....maybe we'll get lucky and she'll be too busy making gooy eyes at him to talk much with the rest of us...:tongue_smilie: Aaaah, this is quite a bit different. I would have no problem just saying, "This is a family gathering that includes children and you really need to keep those comments to yourself". She probably wouldn't like that, and wouldn't agree with it, but I wouldn't feel one bit 'guilty' about stating my opinion especially considering that she's spouting hers. I'd probably keep saying "that's really TMI" every time she says something inappropriate. But I'm obnoxious. :D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 Because she is always talking about it! How his kids walked in on them last weekend when he had them for the Saturday. How his wife keeps calling. And so forth... No one has to gossip about her. She's shameless and has a big mouth of her own. Complete with a facebook page. She's not exactly keeping anything private.:glare: As for passing judgement... I'm confused about that... Kids, esp older kids, aren't supposed to notice the people/world around them and make decisions about what is right and what is wrong?:confused: I totally disagree. My littler ones are probably not the issue. but yeah, 10 year old and certainly teens notice these things, but aren't known for having particuliarly well honed discretion yet. I agree and I say let the kids say what comes natural and let it prick her conscience. I'd rather that than my kids be confused as to what is or is not acceptable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyFL Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I just don't think I would allow my kids to be around them period. Especially since she is revealing the torrid details when she opens her mouth. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EmilyK Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I would have no problem just saying, "This is a family gathering that includes children and you really need to keep those comments to yourself". She probably wouldn't like that, and wouldn't agree with it, but I wouldn't feel one bit 'guilty' about stating my opinion especially considering that she's spouting hers. I'd probably keep saying "that's really TMI" every time she says something inappropriate. I wanted to say how interesting I have found this. I am most in agreement with the above quote and don't find that a rude approach at all. I guess my feeling (but it is interesting to read the diverging thoughts) is that we keep adults' romantic lives out of my kids' knowledge as much as possible. If my husband and I need to talk about divorces, affairs etc among friends and co-workers we do it after the kids are asleep. Ditto illnesses etc unless relevant to them. So much of it isn't their business and we try to reduce/eliminate gossiping anyway so that makes us think twice about discussing others. So far it has worked (kids are 10 and 7). At most we've noted when asked that so and so aren't married anymore or are married to someone else now. That seems to be all they need to know. And if they probe we (gently) try to explain how other people live is their choice and not ours. But that's our perspective, and everyone's different -- I just know I got happier when I decided I would start judging people again when I got all my ducks in a row. :001_smile: (knowing me, that won't ever happen) That said, I think it is perfectly in the same vein to shut cousin down if she gets into stuff she shouldn't. Even if she was talking about her boyfriend's ex-girlfriend, that kind of talk (I feel) isn't appropriate around kids. I would have no problem being direct about that. YMMV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 And how well they know this gentleman already. If they already know him well and know him as someone else's wife, and if your sister is likely to be smoochy with him, it would alarm me. If your children don't know him, there is no reason to tell then what his legal divorce status is. Even older children are unlikely to ask if he's legally divorced if your sister is holding his hand and it comes out that he has children. They just probably won't think about it. If none of the adults make a big bru ha ha about his marital status, your children may be totally unaware of what his marital status actually is. That alone is a good reason for your husband to keep his thoughts to himself. If the cousin isn't asking for advice, I wouldn't give it and would really hope my husband wouldn't either. Family picnics are just a really annoying time to have to handle questions and advice about family size, educational decisions, the decision to drink or send your kids to camp or live without tv or breastfeed (or not) or date someone who hasn't finalized the divorce. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 If your children don't know him, there is no reason to tell then what his legal divorce status is. Even older children are unlikely to ask if he's legally divorced if your sister is holding his hand and it comes out that he has children. They just probably won't think about it. If none of the adults make a big bru ha ha about his marital status, your children may be totally unaware of what his marital status actually is. That alone is a good reason for your husband to keep his thoughts to himself. Good point. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 :glare:4th of July is a BIG deal in our house. We celebrate with bigger fireworks than the city until 1am out on my in-laws property. We bring the fireworks and most of the food. Anyone who wants to join us just shows up. We've done this for 16 years without issue or problem. Well this year my dh's cousin is bringing her boyfriend. Her married with 2 kids boyfriend who hasn't filed divorce, is just separated (not a legal separation either). Yes she is a 28 yr old adult, but well.. it's still rude, tacky, and immoral imho. Dh says he hopes our kids are terribly unsocialized and comment on it and such because he is old-school and personally thinks some bum needs kicked. (keep in mind dh views this cousin like a baby sister, a not the brightest bulb needs watching over kind of younger sister) I think we should tell the kids to mind their manners regardless. Adult confrontations are for adults. Also, please keep in mind, my I am the only religious person in the family. Dh is not religious, but he is very old-fashioned - esp in matters of marriage. Altho this is certainly our party, it's my in-laws place, so the notion of just not welcoming them is not as clear-cut a thing as if the party was at our own home, kwim? Her mother and my dh's parents don't mind this at all. In fact, her and her boyfriend are staying at my in-laws house for the weekend. So. Opinions? I think you should mind your own business and am appalled you want your children to display rude and tacky behaviour just because you don't agree with her choice in boyfriend. My husband and I have been separated for 8 years, not a legal separation either. Does that mean it is immoral or rude to date someone else already? I certainly don't think so. My concerns for her is whether or not he is still active in his kids lives, or if the separation is brand new(like within the last 6 weeks), or if they started dating BEFORE he separated from his wife, beyond that they are both grown ups capable of making their own decisions. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kate CA Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 If you are throwing the party..I would just tell her.."I am sorry, but can we not talk about these things around the kids." I agree that it is their business what they do. However, if I am throwing a FAMILY party, I expect people to behave appropriately. That includes no cursing. I agree with this completely. It isn't rude IMHO. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 27, 2009 Share Posted June 27, 2009 I don't see where the kindness is in your response to these people. I dont think its your job to think how they should live their lives. Find the good in them instead of focusing on your moral judgements. That would be setting a good example to your children. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
the4Rs Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Ok. I do not condone kids saying anything (most of the time) to an adult about how they should live their lives. In fact, you can't really say anything because in reality the cousin and the boyfriend are the only ones that will have to answer for their sins. I do however want to say one thing. We make judgements every day about everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong with passing judgement on this behavior because it is immoral and wrong. It does not matter if the separation was 2 days ago or 2 years ago. If it is that long and he is shacking up with someone else it is WRONG. He made a commitment to that person and broke that commitment. That does not mean you treat the person horribly. You can treat a person honorably without condoning their life choices. I am so tired of this world wanting to be PC about everything and not judging others. We all judge. And frankly, if my kids were to find out the truth while at the party because of some uncouth things said by cousin or boyfriend and they voiced something, I would have no problem with that. You want people to stay out of your business don't air it for all the world to see. But I wouldn't encourage it nor would I tell the kids the truth unless asked and then I would tell them to mind their manners and we'll discuss it later at home. I am sorry this makes for an uncomfortable family get together. Just grin and bear it. A relationship started in this fashion doesn't stand a good chance of lasting and before long he'll probably be out of the picture anyway. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SquirrellyMama Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Ok. I do not condone kids saying anything (most of the time) to an adult about how they should live their lives. In fact, you can't really say anything because in reality the cousin and the boyfriend are the only ones that will have to answer for their sins. I do however want to say one thing. We make judgements every day about everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong with passing judgement on this behavior because it is immoral and wrong. It does not matter if the separation was 2 days ago or 2 years ago. If it is that long and he is shacking up with someone else it is WRONG. He made a commitment to that person and broke that commitment. That does not mean you treat the person horribly. You can treat a person honorably without condoning their life choices. I am so tired of this world wanting to be PC about everything and not judging others. We all judge. And frankly, if my kids were to find out the truth while at the party because of some uncouth things said by cousin or boyfriend and they voiced something, I would have no problem with that. You want people to stay out of your business don't air it for all the world to see. But I wouldn't encourage it nor would I tell the kids the truth unless asked and then I would tell them to mind their manners and we'll discuss it later at home. I am sorry this makes for an uncomfortable family get together. Just grin and bear it. A relationship started in this fashion doesn't stand a good chance of lasting and before long he'll probably be out of the picture anyway. :iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlockOfSillies Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 As for passing judgement... I'm confused about that... :iagree: Good heavens, if we're not to say anything "judgmental" about something as heinous as open adultery, then how do we expect to teach our kids how to stand up for what's right? This is why the whole world is falling to pieces. Ogres run the world, flaunting their depravity in front of everyone, but everyone else is supposed to be "polite" and say nothing, to do nothing. Gimme a break. :glare: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 :iagree: Good heavens, if we're not to say anything "judgmental" about something as heinous as open adultery, then how do we expect to teach our kids how to stand up for what's right? This is why the whole world is falling to pieces. :iagree::iagree::iagree: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 It's the worst kind of sanctimoniousness IMO. Love is what changes people, not judgement. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 "...stop associating with him that he may become ashamed."--2 Thess. 3:6,14,15 2 Tim 4:1,2 "reprove, reprimand, exhort" 1 Cor. 5:11-13, 15:33 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 Ok. I do not condone kids saying anything (most of the time) to an adult about how they should live their lives. In fact, you can't really say anything because in reality the cousin and the boyfriend are the only ones that will have to answer for their sins. I do however want to say one thing. We make judgements every day about everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong with passing judgement on this behavior because it is immoral and wrong. It does not matter if the separation was 2 days ago or 2 years ago. If it is that long and he is shacking up with someone else it is WRONG. He made a commitment to that person and broke that commitment. That does not mean you treat the person horribly. You can treat a person honorably without condoning their life choices. I am so tired of this world wanting to be PC about everything and not judging others. We all judge. And frankly, if my kids were to find out the truth while at the party because of some uncouth things said by cousin or boyfriend and they voiced something, I would have no problem with that. You want people to stay out of your business don't air it for all the world to see. But I wouldn't encourage it nor would I tell the kids the truth unless asked and then I would tell them to mind their manners and we'll discuss it later at home. I am sorry this makes for an uncomfortable family get together. Just grin and bear it. A relationship started in this fashion doesn't stand a good chance of lasting and before long he'll probably be out of the picture anyway. :iagree:This is exactly what I was trying to explain. Good heavens, if we're not to say anything "judgmental" about something as heinous as open adultery, then how do we expect to teach our kids how to stand up for what's right? This is why the whole world is falling to pieces. Ogres run the world, flaunting their depravity in front of everyone, but everyone else is supposed to be "polite" and say nothing, to do nothing. Gimme a break. Thank you ladies. For a minute there I thought I'd entered the twilight zone and was the only one to see the problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I see the problem. I don't see it as being a problem for children to be dealing with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 28, 2009 Author Share Posted June 28, 2009 I see the problem. I don't see it as being a problem for children to be dealing with. whcih is what I am trying to avoid!:confused::001_huh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renee in NC Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 I see the problem. I don't see it as being a problem for children to be dealing with. :iagree: I think the situation is terrible, but you or your children saying anything about it isn't going to change the situation either. If your dh is that bothered then he should approach them directly. The problem I have with judgement (to respond to a few other posters) is that it seems to go hand in hand with gossip and pride (also sins.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 whcih is what I am trying to avoid!:confused::001_huh: How is hoping your children would comment upon it hoping to avoid them being involved? Now I'm lost. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 How is hoping your children would comment upon it hoping to avoid them being involved? Now I'm lost. Dh says he hopes our kids are terribly unsocialized and comment on it and such because he is old-school and personally thinks some bum needs kicked. (keep in mind dh views this cousin like a baby sister, a not the brightest bulb needs watching over kind of younger sister) I think we should tell the kids to mind their manners regardless. Adult confrontations are for adults. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 Ah. Gotcha. I'm still baffled as to why the children need to be informed as to the cousin's personal life. If she starts yapping about it, I'd send the kids out of ear shot, not make a point of explaining the details to them. I'm sorry, today's not a great pain day for me, so I might not be putting things together as well as I ought...I just don't understand how or why the kids should know anything about this adult mess at all. I think the best thing to do is to shield them from learning any details about the situation. Its just stuff that kids don't need to worry about, not to mention how it may effect them. I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, its not my intention. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted June 28, 2009 Share Posted June 28, 2009 For a minute there I thought I'd entered the twilight zone and was the only one to see the problem. I think almost all of us see a problem with the behavior and said so. I think what we disagreed on was whether it was appropriate for the children to get involved (you think no, your DH apparently wishes they could) and whether a family picnic is a good time for the adult confrontation. Most of us would probably have responded really differently to the question, "Do you think DH could try to lovingly talk to his cousin in private about his concerns for her in this relationship." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Peela Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 :iagree: Good heavens, if we're not to say anything "judgmental" about something as heinous as open adultery, then how do we expect to teach our kids how to stand up for what's right? This is why the whole world is falling to pieces. Ogres run the world, flaunting their depravity in front of everyone, but everyone else is supposed to be "polite" and say nothing, to do nothing. Gimme a break. :glare: Thank you ladies. For a minute there I thought I'd entered the twilight zone and was the only one to see the problem. Lol, it is very much the twilight zone to me for the opposite reasons. I just can't fathom many of the opinions here including those above. My dh and I got married when our kids were ages 3 and 5. That immediately makes me depraved according to many of you. I didnt think so many people still thought like that. There is a big difference between being politically correct, and just minding your own business. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 (edited) So. Opinions? My opinion is that it's none of your business and that your kids AND you should keep quiet about it. I would think that modeling hospitality and love for family members would be a far better lesson to teach your kids than pettiness and exclusion. The worst I can see any of my kids commenting is my teens might say something like, "Oh that doesn't sound appropriate..." or "I'm not sure that's right." If something like that came out of my kid's mouth, directed at an adult about something that is absolutely, positively, under no circumstances any of that child's business, my child would be the one on the receiving end of a long talk about what's not "appropriate." ETA: If your dh's cousin is open about her relationship issues, and you feel that she's going to say something around your kids, I think you should inform your kids that this woman's love life is none of their business no matter what she says about it. Just because an adult volunteers information doesn't make it the kids' business. I think this is a fine time to employ the old adage "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." Tara Edited June 29, 2009 by TaraTheLiberator Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lovedtodeath Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I have had to explain to Emily that not everyone has the same beliefs as we do, and that we need to be more polite than to flat out say that they are wrong. (They are but they just don't know any better, so for that reason they are not judged harshly.) It is a difficult balance, teaching our children right from wrong but at the same time not judging others. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SonshineLearner Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 Lol, it is very much the twilight zone to me for the opposite reasons. I just can't fathom many of the opinions here including those above. My dh and I got married when our kids were ages 3 and 5. That immediately makes me depraved according to many of you. I didnt think so many people still thought like that. There is a big difference between being politically correct, and just minding your own business. I doubt that your husband/boyfriend had another family that he left for you...and just didn't bother to divorce. In other words, while I might not agree with living with a man before marriage, I really don't agree with living with a married man.... (and things like this do affect the children...) You, Peela, had a family. You were with each other... Isn't that different? (And no, I wouldn't want my children to say anything about an adult. I'd just tell them that what Auntie so and so is doing is wrong, but they are children and don't need to ask any questions about Big People topics) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loupelou Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 I would have to respectfully disagree with some of the posts. While I agree that it would be wildly inappropriate for any of your dc to openly approach this person and make comments, I also can see where you could and should discuss with them the relationship before or after the event depending on your dc. This is me assuming that with 9 children at least some of your dc are teenagers. I am also assuming from your comments that you and your dh consider this behavior not in keeping with the moral standards you have taught your children. Kids are not stupid, they are very perceptive, however, it doesn't appear that they need any special radar to figure out what is going on in this woman's life! In this case you would be remiss in not at least discussing the situation with older children, letting them know that it is not condoned behavior, but that you love this family member and will treat them with respect - Love the sinner, hate the sin. Secondly, I would talk with her about her use of language, and inappropriate subject matter at family gatherings. And if your dh is as close to her as you say he should let her know how he feels about her relationship. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Haiku Posted June 29, 2009 Share Posted June 29, 2009 And if your dh is as close to her as you say he should let her know how he feels about her relationship. If they are that close, I would imagine that she already knows how he feels about it, and perhaps her openness about it is partially bravado. A friend of mine's little niece once told him, "I love you, Uncle Travis, but it's bad that you are gay. My parents said so." Highly inappropriate. Tara Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Murphy101 Posted June 29, 2009 Author Share Posted June 29, 2009 If something like that came out of my kid's mouth, directed at an adult about something that is absolutely, positively, under no circumstances any of that child's business, my child would be the one on the receiving end of a long talk about what's not "appropriate." nope. I'm not going to punish my kids for responding when spoken to in as polite a manner as one can to such outragious indecentcy as open adultery. I would imagine the younger kids would be told to get out of the adult conversation and go play But my specific concern is the somewhat grey area of young teens, which typically do not go off to play and do tend to participate in family discussions more. esp when they will the oldest children in attendance. This is me assuming that with 9 children at least some of your dc are teenagers. thanks! the world of teens is not quite the same as the world of the younger kids. and just telling them to go play doesn't cut it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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