Thanks. I probably gave the wrong impression with twitching -- it's more the always fidgeting, always touching, never on the seat behaviour that drives me crazy and, I think, is driving the ballet teacher nuts. I spoke with a few OTs a few years ago when ds's crazy K teacher (at crazy school, which we left) complained about him acting like a 5 yo. OT here is the usual business of long waitlists, long travel times, not very knowledgeable, so I'm just dreading trying to start that up. I'm highly unlikely to get anywhere with ADHD or ADD, as according to the NHS we have to go through the GP and get the school involved etc, and I'm quite sure neither of them would be helpful as he does well in school (school is great at understanding that 8 yo is 8 yo!). If addressing sensory issues does not help, then I may go private on ADHD but I'd like it not to be the first thing we try. I'll have a look at the book, thanks. I think the ballet teacher is simply unpleasant and may well be the only adult on the planet who does not like my ds! DS, while he can be full-on, has a remarkable ability to charm even complete strangers as he genuinely loves people and it shows. Ballet teacher is probably still ticked since I complained about something he did at the beginning of term and I suspect he knows he was in the wrong. I've told DS just to work on paying attention and stay out of his way, and we'll reevaluate in a few months. It's interesting about the physical activity -- I worry that he doesn't get enough, since all he gets is break at school, pe at school and ballet twice a week. I'll keep an eye on that and see how what affects him. He's definitely a screen addict, and I limit that pretty strictly. No TV on school nights and only occasionally at the weekend. IPad is limited as a reward for good behaviour (maybe counterproductive!) and has to be split between educational and non-educational. I definitely think that too much screen time throws him off. Thanks.

Not around here. It's very difficult to get good evaluations and since we're on the NHS, could take months and months, and that's if the GP agrees to proceed.

I'd appreciate some views on what I think are sensory processing issues my ds 8 has. He is constantly twitching, wiggling, touching, etc. IOW driving me batpoopcrazy. I have three older dcs, each of whom has had various amounts of PT, OT, speech, etc etc, so I feel pretty confident that I'm seeing with ds 8 is not entirely "normal". My standard for intervention has always been to avoid testing and therapy unless/until the issue has a negative impact on the child in some way. I think we've hit that point here, and I'd appreciate some advice from anyone with experience or thoughts to share. What's gotten us to this point is that ds takes ballet (special audition-only outreach program for very talented kids, with LOTS of perks, so I really don't want to pull him out). Wednesday classes are fine. Saturday classes are not as fine. One of the teachers is a jerk. We had an issue at the beginning of term that I had to deal with, but it seems like the teacher is one of these people who doesn't get that 8yos are 8 yos and that not all of the group of 20 something kids is likely to behave perfectly for the lesson. Today ds gave the wrong answer to a question to which teacher responded "Oh God!" and at another point told ds that his concentration was "appalling." While I think this was entirely inappropriate, I'm pretty darn sure that ds's concentration was pretty appalling at the moment. I'm with him during piano and harp lessons and I have seen how he can be and only the fact that his music teachers are saints and ds's talent keep those lessons going! Anyway, I think there are two possible issues, one an attention issue and one a sensory issue, but I think the sensory one may be the one to focus on first. Where we live it's difficult to get services or evaluations, so I'd like to get input on what I should be looking for, what we could do at home to help, books to read, etc. Many thanks.

If you want chocolate sprinkles (hagelslag), a number of companies in the US import it and all the other types of hagel for Dutch expats. My kids like the ones with "funnies", regular hagel/vlokken with specially-shaped bits mixed in. I'm not so crazy about it because we then have a huge debate over who got the most funnies and shaking the box to get the funnies out etc!

I don't think you sound ungrateful. I've had people offer me things/vacations/etc that I haven't really wanted, for a variety of reasons. I'm still grumpy because of being "forced" to go on vacation in Hawaii a few years ago, simply because I was TOLD what I had to do rather than asked what I would like. Being told what to do pushes my buttons. I'm working on it and will get there eventually. It sounds like you and your dh are coming at this from different perspectives, each of which makes sense on its own. Could you show your dh a version of what you've written above? I would look for a way to merge your needs and desires into an amazing trip, wherever that would be. And, frankly, having lived in Paris for a few years, I get that there are people who aren't that into Paris, people who adore it, people who are "meh". I don't see why people should have to love Paris because it's the sort of place you're supposed to love. Personally, I quite like it and want to go back for a short visit, but that's just me.

My (ex)ILs do this constantly! Except they also add the schools the "brilliant" person attended. They'll meet someone standing in line at a checkout and tell us (or used to, now they don't communicate with me anymore), oh I met someone at the grocery store who graduated from (insert Ivy League college) and has a PhD from (prestigious grad program) and is doing (public service work, because that's the only kind of work worth doing you know). Just once I'd love to hear them talk about meeting someone who was kind or good or generous! I think this attitude has had a negative effect on their three dss, though, as two of them did not go to super-prestigious schools, while one did. All three have been raised to see this as a measure of their worth as human beings.

My DS has been at boarding school since he turned 9. He's never been in a therapeutic boarding school, but he's the sort of kid who does far better in boarding school than he would in regular school or homeschool. I think some of the advantages of boarding school in general are relevant to therapeutic schools as well. The positives have been not having to transition between home, school or outside classes, sports, activiites. He is with the same group of kids for classes and outside activities. This is better for him because he does not do well with transitions. Another positive is the full scheduling. He is kept super-busy. Some sport is required, so he is getting exercise 6 days a week. Homework is supervised for the younger boys. Older boys are given responsibility for the younger ones (to a degree). Since academics and activities are all run through the school, there is good overlap of communication among the various teachers, coaches, tutors, etc. There's also enough going on for each boy to be able to find something he can be good in, which of course builds confidence.

I have a friend whom I've known since I was small and so spend time with her and her family. She's the sort of friend I wouldn't befriend right now but am friends with because we have known each other forever, IYSWIM. I like her generally but she consistently makes comments about my educational choices for my ds, who goes to a specialist boarding school by HIS choice -- "oh, I could never send one of my children away to school" (okay, but if your dc WANTS to go to boarding school and he can get an education there that he will get nowhere else...) or "how sad that he has to wear a uniform to school" (ds finds it easy because he doesn't have to think about what to wear) or "how terrible that the school won't let the boys stay up until 11 p.m. to watch the football' (umm, the boys have professional commitments the next day that they need to honor, it's called being responsible and they know this going in), etc etc. She never asks after how he's doing in school or how he's liking it, even though I ask after her kids and she will ask after my other kids. The omission is quite pointed, actually. It's petty, but it bugs me. I don't agree with her choices for her ds as she has known for years that he struggles in school but is reluctant to get him specialist help because, as she says, she wants him to enjoy himself and have fun rather than doing extra work but at the same time is then gutted when he didn't qualify for an academic high school but had to go to a "special" school. I NEVER make comments to her about this but ask about her ds and try to commiserate with her when appropriate. Anyway, typing this out makes me realize that it's definitely time to distance myself from her!

I tried this this summer (before our vacation, so the kids wanted extra money). I made up a list of chores that I wanted done, mostly extra things that didn't fall under their regular chores list. The list included a header ("books" eg), a step by step description (take books off shelf, sort out those too young for you, dust shelf, put back), and a space for their initials and mine. I printed it out, cut it into strips, with one chore per strip, then paperclipped the money to the strip and put everything into a small basket. The kids could look through, take a slip, initial it and leave it with me. Once the chore was done, I would inspect, then initial the slip (if satisfied) and the money was theirs. It worked well until they decided they had enough money. I did have a deal with them from the get-go -- basically, I said that I had extra work that needed doing, and they could either cheerfully do the chores and take the pay, or be grumpy and reluctant and be required to do the chores for no pay with no choice.

Maybe have a backup plan if the relatives are delayed? So meet at an airport coffee shop or something if they miss each other or are delayed in traffic. Does he have everyone's phone numbers? Maybe double/triple check the ticket? We had a hellish time this summer when we sent dd to China, as the ticket agent refused to accept her ticket for some weird reason (couldn't find her name, claimed it had been cancelled, etc etc). It's the first time in a lifetime of flying that this has ever happened to any of us. Since then I've been super-paranoid about this happening again and calling the airlines to confirm everything. Other than that, what you have in place sounds like what we had for dd16 this summer when she went to China. She came back two weeks ago and managed just fine on the 20 hour flight back (including change of planes).

I remember a few years ago, when MIL and MIL's mother, then 90 yo, were visiting us. It was Saturday, so DH spent the day on the sofa, watching tv, etc etc. I spent the day as I spent every other day, transporting dc all over the place to various activities. I came home and cooked dinner for everyone. After dinner DH said he'd clean the kitchen. After a few minutes, I saw him 90 yo grandmother in there alone, cleaning. I spoke to DH, who said he'd been sent out of the kitchen. When I went in to help grandma, I got an earful -- all about how men worked so hard all day and how the least women could do was to clean up in the kitchen etc etc. I was so ticked and mortified that a healthy able man was lazing around while his 90 yo grandmother was doing what was supposed to be his work. Of course there's nothing you can say to someone that age that won't be rude, so I kept my mouth shut. It was a good insight into how dh had been raised though and explained a LOT.

Yes, if it was on your list or if it's too expensive to justify buying otherwise. I asked for and got socks and heat tech shirts. DS got his favorite namebrand underpants that are ridiculously expensive. He likes to have these, they're good quality and I think the price makes it unreasonable to buy them otherwise. Otherwise, heck no.

What is the difference between the classes your ds is doing well in and those he is not doing well in, in terms of his effort? Is his attendance in all of his classes the same? Is his attention to homework and tests the same? Or is he doing better in some classes because he has higher attendance and a higher rate of compliance with the work required? If he's going to all of his English classes and doing all of the homework, eg, but missing quite a few CS classes and failing to turn in assignments for CS, then what is the reason for this? Is it because he likes the English classes better, or because these are at a time of day that works better for him? Or is it because he has difficulty understanding the prof for CS but the prof for English is speaks clearly? Or because of something structural, like where he sits in class?

Why did you put putty in your pull-up? Apparently, to find out if it glows in the dark.

Here's a nitpicky one -- I never understand why doctors think they should be addressed as "Dr. So and so" while addressing their patients by their first names, regardless of age difference. I know not all doctors do this, but I have seen it happen and find it disrespectful.

DD and I came down with the flu ion Monday. I cannot remember the last time I was so ill. 13yo ds has been taking care of us and watching his 8 yo brother. Both boys got sick yesterday. Dd2 is singing all Christmas services in her cathedral choir and we will miss everything. Fortunately she can get a lift home with a friend tomorrow afternoon. Oh, and there are still presents to be wrapped.

I'm a long way from having grandkids, but I would want to do things differently from the way my parents and in-laws do. My in-laws are "feast or famine" types. They'll ignore the kids for months on end, so no emails, no phone calls, nothing, then send an email suggesting I put them on a plane and send them to visit for a few weeks. My kids aren't terribly fond of them and don't like spending time with them. It's too bad, but my in-laws have brought it on themselves. My parents see my kids two or three times a year and speak with them weekly. It's not the best situation because (as I JAWMed elsewhere) we are expected to spend two or three weeks with them in the summer and have them here at Christmas for two or three weeks. My mom will usually come out for a week to see the kids and help out at another time. It's gotten to be too much as the Christmas visits are incredibly annoying -- every morning I get a phone call asking what we're doing today and who is available to do what etc etc. They then take my kids out to do fun stuff and leave me to take care of the stupid boring stuff like cleaning etc that has to get done. My mom can be quite opinionated and interfering with the kids and is particularly bad at disciplining the 8 yo, who is a handful and needs a consistent approach 100 per cent of the time. It would be better to see them more frequently but for less time. My parents see my brother's kids maybe once a year for a short week. They are not allowed to visit, per my SIL, unless they are invited and this happens once every four years or so. My brother has to take the kids to visit my parents. SIL won't go -- the last time she visited my parents' home was ten years ago. I think this means my parents focus overly much on my kids. For instance, brother and SIL are visiting Europe this Christmas. We live in the UK. Brother wanted to come visit us here, my mother said no, it would be too stressful for me to have everyone here (I was not consulted). BUT my parents aren't bothering/allowed to go see brother and co at any point during their three weeks here with us. While I would like to have a good relationship with any possible grandkids, the last thing I want is for my kids to feel the way I do now and so will take my cue from them and respect whatever they want, even if it's the opposite of what I would like.

Yes. Not liking Christmas much. I think I may just ignore it as much as possible. I still haven't gotten a tree and am wondering just how bad it would be if I didn't get one?

There's a fun app called High Low Glitter that I've used with my three big kids, who are all away on various programs this year. We are all part of one group, and each individual is supposed to write about the high point of their day, the low point and the "glitter", or unexpected funky part of the day. Mine don't don't do it every day, because we end up speaking by phone or texting a lot most days, but on those days when they're super-busy with school and activities, it's a great way for us all to keep in touch. I like that it's not just about good parts but also about the down side to the day. I also like that one update from DD in China updates me, her sister and brother. Your kids might be a bit youngish for it, but I imagine they could do it with your help.

Thank you all. This was exactly what I needed to hear. I need to set boundaries and recognize that this may come with consequences, but it's better to set boundaries than not. I guess I just figured that as long as my parents are doing what they do because they care and want to help, that I shouldn't set boundaries as that would be selfish. They don't realize that they are the cause of much of my Christmas stress and, I think, genuinely believe that their presence is helpful. A while back I decided to cut off contact with my brother and SIL for the time being, not that we had much contact before, but I unfriended them and decided not to have anything to do with them for the next year or so. That felt really good! Of course they haven't noticed and won't.

JAWM please. I know I'm being ungrateful and selfish but I really cannot take anymore. I have spent literally every single Christmas of my entire life with my parents. And not just Christmas Eve/Day, at least a week or even three weeks of the holiday with them visiting us or us visiting them. My parents are wonderful, kind, generous people. But I would really really like to have the choice of not spending Christmas or summer vacation with them. I could say no and refuse, but it's clear that they would be so very hurt that I just cannot do that. They're here again for three weeks this time (not staying with us thank goodness) and I'm just done. Last year they agreed not to come, after the episode two years ago when they were here for Christmas, along with 13 other relatives, two months after my divorce was finalized and I had moved into a new place. This was so clearly stressful for me that my mother said they would skip last Christmas and do something else. They changed their minds and asked to come, and of course I said yes, because how do you say no? They have been supportive of us in the last few years, which have been very difficult, providing financial and emotional support etc. But it's just too much. It seems like every vacation I've had in the last three years has been a command performance -- spending two weeks at a reunion at the horrible ex in laws, two months before the divorce, with most people not knowing what was going on. Then when I decided, after the 15-person Christmas, that the kids and I would not spend our summer holiday with my parents, my mother decided that they would join us on our holiday. And then decided that it would be a celebration of my father's 75th. And then decided that my father didn't want to go to where we wanted to go, but wanted to go to Hawaii. They were extremely generous and paid for flights and an apartment, but then made sure my SIL had the better of the two apartments they rented for my brother and me, because she needs to be indulged in every way or she makes my brother's life miserable. So four kids and I crammed into two bedrooms, SIL and co had three bedroom and the ocean view. SIL's kids need to be indulged in their every whim or they go running to my brother, who then complains to my mother. It was so awful that on our last day I fell apart at the airport and just burst into tears at security. This year my dd sings Christmas services in a major cathedral choir for the only time, so I had to agree to my parents coming because otherwise dd would have been hurt. It's not that my parents do anything that's terrible, they're wonderful. They're also getting older and I know there may not be many more Christmases. But they are getting older and it's difficult to deal with helping my parents with stuff when we're out with my 8 yo, and my mother tends to cross boundaries and discipline/indulge my children when it's really my job. She also buys loads of stuff for them for Christmas, which drives me nuts, but I can deal with that (just wish she wouldn't have bought them Christmas pajamas -- I look forward to doing that every year). They don't like doing Christmassy stuff, which I love, and it's just about having a Christmas dinner, going to church but not paying much attention to the religious aspect and buying loads and loads of presents. I can do the Christmassy stuff, with or without them, but it feels like I'm the only one trying and I don't have much energy to spare. I think that's what makes it so difficult. I would like to do Christmas in my own way, with our own traditions etc., but it's difficult when you're still celebrating Christmas with your parents. I just have so much stuff going on -- four kids each doing something completely different this year, a job search, a mentally unstable xdh (as in, not allowed to have overnights with DS until the New Year because he had another breakdown), etc. Anything extra to deal with, no matter how little, is just too much. Anyway, rant over. The good news is I just got a job (yesterday) and so now I will be financially more independent and will not need to depend on my parents for financial help. And this summer we have to do a college tour for DDs and, because of my job, will probably not have time to spend our holiday with them. Although my mother will undoubtedly offer to join us for the college tour and "help".

Pretty sure the general consensus is that it doesn't translate!

At DS's school Christmas play last year, the opening act featured one kid puking all over the place. Teachers stepped in, cleaned up, removed sick child, no biggie. This year at least one child began to cry and was comforted, and one of the bigger boys was clearly just getting over a meltdown (wiping tears away). It happens. They're kids. Go fight them.

DS8 had surgery last week, on the NHS. The whole experience was great. He was really anxious about the prospect of the surgery (he's adopted and had surgery as a toddler in China, so I was very concerned about triggering past trauma). I mentioned this to the hospital staff, who then arranged for us to meet with a child psych to discuss his feelings. The surgery went great, the surgeon is top notch. The nurses and all the staff were fantastic. The overnight stay went great. I had a bed right next to his. The staff went out of their way to get him food he can eat with his limitations. It was SO nice not to have to worry about insurance and co-pays and all that and be able to focus on DS and what he needed. I could have gone private because we have private medical insurance, and I would have taken DS to the States for surgery if I thought the care would be better, but it wasn't necessary.

Sorry you have sick ones. My DS is in bed listening to and singing along with Sinterklaas liedjes. He's also been watching Sinterklaasjournaal. Very happy that I have one that is still into the lieve goede Sint!