Yes, I think this is spot on. She has been through treatment programs but has never acknowledged that she is an alcoholic. She merely has a drinking problem. Her DH appears to have given up this battle. My DH has talked with her about mental health and neurological issues that plainly run in the family, but she does not agree that they exist.

She complains because she thinks others don't do things the right way, and because she feels badly treated. Many of the grievances are decades old. She doesn't intend to attack others but sees herself as a downright, plain spoken sort. The kids are the main victims of this, because kids should listen to their elders. She is elaborately courteous to me. And don't worry, the alcoholism bit is covered. She is never responsible for the kids' safety, and the subject has been thoroughly discussed. Kids, btw, are 12 and 14.

Well done! I hope he's as proud of himself as you are of him.

SIL and family retired to this area specifically to be near us. She feels strongly about staying (literally and metaphorically) close to family, and the older generation is gone. The trouble is that she drives me bonkers. She talks incessantly, is an alcoholic, expresses opinions freely and has views about people's economic circumstances, sexual orientation and behavior that make me twitch. Nothing is as good as it was in the past, and grievances are never forgotten. She is usually at least slightly tipsy. She has had a hard life in some ways, though she has always been economically comfortable. She is also generous, and intends to be kind. She wants to be close to the kids, but she says things that sound like criticism to them (often the criticism is real). So the kids try to avoid her and don't want to share personal information. Phone calls from her are hour-long monologues. Even DH, who loves her, tries to avoid them. I'm fine with visits on major holidays and certain birthdays. Distant cordiality has seemed the best path, with the distance helping to maintain the cordiality. According to this pattern, we see them maybe eight times a year. But she really wants more, and I'm having a hard time deciding appropriate boundaries. How much of an obligation would you feel to cultivate a closer relationship with a SIL whom, truth be told, you really just don't like? I feel a lot of sympathy for her, but if I have to be around her more than about an hour, I start to get very antsy. She asks us out to dinner periodically, so we need to reciprocate. Personally I'd decline some of these, but DH won't. She keeps inviting the kids to things they don't want to do, and is hurt when they decline. She bluntly says that she wants me to spend more time with her. During the school year she reluctantly accepts that school keeps us busy, but summer is coming. Last night she had more ideas for things we could do. Ugh. How would you handle this relationship? How guilty would you feel about not being the close SIL she wants?

Thinking of you and all your family.

Nexgard here also.

Congratulations! He's so beautiful!

If stern discipline solved it all, your children probably would not have qualified for a diagnosis. Many of us have tried stern discipline. The point is, when children genuinely qualify for diagnoses, stern discipline not only *does not work*, it may make behaviors significantly worse. There are valid reasons many of us tend to recommend asking about possible diagnoses rather than resorting to punishments. If the skills necessary for self-control and good behavior do not exist, one cannot punish them into existence. Punishment may work with kids who *already have the capability* to control themselves, but the OP seems to be saying her son shows consistent difficulty with this issue, and has had other flags for speech issues. Asking about possible needs for extra support seems far kinder and more productive than adding extra punishments. I would certainly agree that there are many good ways to raise children; I just regret the times we (acting on advice) resorted to punishment before getting a diagnosis.

I'm so sorry. How very sad and difficult this must be. Please do consider talking to your doctor about anxiety and depression, and exploring the possibility of grief counseling.

I'm so sorry. It's an awful decision to have to make, and yet the most loving thing you can do for her now. Hugs.

Very much the same here (tried it reluctantly and hated it), but I know some kids love them. I think it really depends on the kid and the group.

Oh, I'm sorry. Hugs.

I've been worrying about you and your cat too, MedicMom!

I'm so sorry. That's a lot of stress and grief.

Ummm... Generally when I like a series I don't so much choose which to read next, as go to the library and check out either the next five in publication order, or the whole series if it's shorter. 😄😄😄 YMMV Poirot is fantastic. You can hardly go wrong!

Thanks, this is all interesting. I probably didn't express myself very well on chemistry vs. wiring. I agree they're both important, and some things (tumors) are clearly structural. But I wonder how much the chemistry affects the structure; to some degree, it must. And when we talk about strengthening neural pathways, that is structural. But the brain is soused in chemicals. A psychiatrist once told me behavior and emotion were "all biochemical." It's these intersections and boundaries between structure and chemistry that intrigue me. And that's all a bit of a sidetrack from this discussion, and more than enough to occupy my retirement years trying to gain a better understanding, lol.

This is a question which has puzzled me. I do not have sufficient understanding of neurology to know if, for example, "wiring" (autism, learning differences, etc.) is really physically different in the brain from "chemistry" (mental illnesses). Presumably neural connections are what we mean by wiring, but how much do we know about how chemistry affects wiring? All I know is that others know far more than I do but I suspect that collectively we still know very little. My own dd showed signs of something amiss very early. Her primary issue has always been emotional regulation. How does one distinguish between "autism behavior" and "mood disorder behavior" in a single child with both diagnoses? It's easy to say sensory stuff is autism, but mood stuff is not so easily pigeonholed. I think discomfort with mental illness has a role in our terminology. Ravin's point about developmental disabilities is valid, but in our case at least the emotional element was present from, certainly, two years old. Babies are inherently emotionally unstable and extreme, so I'm honestly not sure how an earlier issue could be identified, even if it is already present in some form. I would agree there is no adult onset autism. Editing to add that I think some of the confusion stems from the lack of any physical test to diagnose these conditions. Genetic testing may help, but is not there yet. Conditions overlap; diagnosis is not foolproof. So was there a period in her life when my dd could have been diagnosed with a future Star Trek tricorder as having autism but not yet a mood disorder? Or would it tell us now that really it's all autism? If we had perfect diagnosis, maybe things would look different.

I'm in a similar situation, and will be interested to hear suggestions. Thanks for asking this question.

Boiled because the dye won't attach properly to the shell otherwise. Or, at least, that's what I remember. The sterilization is a fringe benefit. 😉

When we were kids my mom would start blowing eggs weeks before Easter. She'd clean, dry and boil the shells, and those were the ones that were colored, filled and hidden. I tried to do the same when my kids were little, but they could never bear to part with the decorated, crumbling real eggshells after Easter. After a year or two of that I decreed we were switching to plastic for egg hunts, and dyeing only hard-boiled eggs for immediate consumption.

Yes. Hugs.

Thanks, guys. I appreciate all the ideas. I'm not sure our house actually allows for truly private conversations. Even if I'm huddled in my bedroom or the bathroom, she can hear conversations if she's in the next room. But if we establish the pattern of always making phone calls private, maybe she wouldn't pay attention any more. That is an idea which had not occurred to me. The current call was to a therapist who does employ CBT, so that is certainly on the table. And thank heavens, he just returned my call while I was away from the house!

Jean, I honestly don't know. That might be worth trying. Truth is, I guess she's got me conditioned to avoiding the conflict. It isn't the unexpected nature of the calls that's a problem, though. She really just doesn't want to acknowledge that there is anything to treat. She doesn't want to go see therapists, have me discuss her with therapists, or have a diagnosis at all. Autism, paired with a mood disorder, is far from a benign diagnosis for her. It isn't quirkiness with special interests. It's always been major emotional dysregulation that in the past has led to aggression. She knows society frowns on aggression in a major way, and so while we have bent over backward to be neutral or positive about her diagnosis, the associated behavior tends to "infect" the diagnosis with negativity, if that makes any sense. Today she shut down while doing her spelling and crawled back in bed. I figured while she was sleeping I could make my call, but of course they had to take a message and call back. So instead of getting her up and moving as I normally would, I've let her sleep while waiting for the call. They still haven't returned the call, so I've let her waste the morning for nothing. I do need to figure out a better way to deal with this. It hinges on being able to accept and discuss autism and the mood disorder, and we don't seem to be there yet. I'm afraid it sounds to her like I'm attacking her, because she knows there are negative elements that need to be discussed, whether that part is done on the phone or later in an office.

I guess this is mainly a vent, but I'm wondering if anyone else has this issue. It seems so stupid and trivial, but is actually so disruptive, and so hard to handle. Dd12 does not do well overhearing phone calls I make or receive about her care or treatment. She gets angry and surly. She might shut down, or in the past she might explode. It's been some months since I had to go through this rigmarole, but I need to today. I can feel my blood pressure rising and I just broke down and raided the Easter candy, so my diet is shot for today. I'm not really sure if the explosions are over for good. I try so hard to place the calls when she isn't around, but then so often the practitioner needs to return my call, and that timing is beyond my control. I find myself grabbing the phone and dashing to the garage or my bathroom to talk, but often she figures out what is going on, and we still have a confrontation. I am so tired of all this stress. I've been thinking about the whole business of parents of kids on the spectrum having PTSD. I don't have panic attacks, per se, but if I get in a situation where I think dd might have problems, I definitely feel significant stress because I know the possibilities. All that cumulative stress cannot be good. Anyone else deal with this sort of thing?

We did not take our younger dd to the discussion meeting. She was 10 at the time. Recently I made a different decision when we got an evaluation for our 14yo dd. She had requested the evaluation herself, and had specific concerns and questions. Although dd was on the young side for attending the discussion, the psychologist agreed to her presence. I think that overall it went well.