Okay, I can see the issues the boy is having, and I can see your concern and good intentions. I'm not sure why you feel the mother is overwhelmed and needs help. Could you clarify? Eta: not implying that she does not need help, just not seeing the specifics. For example, maybe she is trying to keep the boy engaged with his group, but maybe her goals are accomplished by what is already happening.

I do agree with this. Lots of teachers handle this sort of discussion with great sensitivity, I'm sure. I do believe the primary issue here may be inexperience.

I'm sorry, things came up and I didn't get back to this right away. My understanding is that he told the students to include all grief experiences. He wanted them to identify the various "losses", rate them on a numerical scale, discuss how they felt, and choose one experience to discuss with reference to their coping techniques. My dd had turned the paper in before she told me about it. I'm waiting until it is returned so I can take a look at it before I take this any farther.

I'm sure whoever designed the unit has the very best intentions. Actually, I'm pretty sure this teacher does too. From dd's description he does not sound punitive or intentionally inappropriate in any way. He just sounds young, eager, inexperienced and therefore a bit insensitive and oblivious. He has apparently been very open about losses he has experienced, which sound like they are few and relatively recent. That's why, when I posted, I intended my tone to be more of "Gosh, why don't these teachers think things through?" rather than "I think this guy is a danger." That possibility hadn't crossed my mind, and I'm fairly sure he hasn't realized that's how his style could be perceived. He has unquestionably pushed the discussion farther than he should. That has become clearly apparent. The "loss line," with the personal details he wanted the kids to include, does seem to be the most egregious violation. There are a few other details which have come out as well. I think you're right that most of the kids are self-censoring. I just don't think he should be asking questions which require that. Make no mistake, he is pushing things to the point that students would have to lie by omission at least in order to avoid talking about significant grief and trauma. Stress is a great topic for freshmen, I'd completely agree. But he has added to it this year. I think he could turn this situation around just by explicitly saying that no one needs to share more than they wish, and perhaps offering the options of fictional or hypothetical situations. Instead, he has been explicitly saying that students need to answer questions with a variety of personal details. Anyway, we've had a good talk about boundaries this morning, and the fact that yes, kids can enforce them, even with teachers. I think I'll be heading in for a chat with the teacher and counselor next week.

As far as hours: we're supposed to get 10/week, with (I think) one of those really being supervision. In reality, because scheduling and trying to get through schoolwork are issues, we've been getting more like five hours. Dd is theoretically level 2, though mostly looking like level 1 now. We've been getting this for a bit over a year now, and because of the way the funding is done, it may not last much longer.

I *think* at this moment we most need to just bring in another person who can work with her and keep her going on some things which are fairly clearly laid out and give me a break. We need a positive person who will take instruction from the ABA folks and me, and then work with her and cheer her on and keep her going. See, the thing about our ABA is that they cannot *do* academics. They can provide support for me doing it, and that's been great, but they can't do anything like that themselves. So I have to be there, every moment. And, really, I think there's some rule that I have to be there anyway. When dd is working well, I feel pretty foolish using our ABA hours having me sitting there teaching while the behaviorist is twiddling her thumbs, pretending to ignore dd (because that's how she works best) and occasionally making notes. When dd is not working well, I get good advice and support, but little work gets done. And either way, the process chains me there. I want to be able to step away and hand some of that to someone else with a reasonable chance of the work getting done. Right at this moment, the person needs to be a reasonably educated adult who can follow instructions. But, soon, that person is going to need to actually be able to teach a fifty-minute class. I would love to get to the point of being able to say " okay, dd, your math tutor is here," and *walk away* for a while. And then at the end of an hour the French tutor would come strolling up the path. This may be hopeless fantasy. I don't want to hand over everything, and I don't want to follow in lock step with everything that would be happening in a ps classroom. I want materials dd can work with well and reasonably happily. But I want her to learn to work with others and me to get a break. Right now the main behavioral issue is just shutting down when she is overwhelmed. That's hard, apparently even from an ABA perspective. They cite the "dead man rule": if she isn't *doing* anything, i. e., if she's acting "dead", there's apparently no ABA response. And of course that's what happens when she gets overwhelmed most of the time. So what they've done is help me learn to keep her engaged and notice the warning signs before that happens, to head it off. So that is the biggest behavioral problem a tutor would need to cope with. Not to say there haven't been others, but those are getting far less frequent. Actually, when I type all this out, the list of requirements seems significant. :-( Maybe this is a good business for someone to set up, lol. I bet every town has a few kids who need tutors with somewhat better-than-average skills and a bit of ABA.

No, please don't worry about that. I didn't read that as minimizing, but rather as a very valuable insight. I'm so sorry you experienced that sort of trauma.

Okay, I'm listening and thinking here. I'm going to try to get copies of the various assignments. And, as stated, we'll be talking over the weekend.

I talked with dd after picking her up this afternoon, and offered to send an anonymous letter to the teacher and the principal. She seems to like the idea of doing that after the class is over at the end of this semester, and she agrees that he clearly needs some counseling of his own. She still is not willing to do anything right now, though. She says he's the sort of teacher who is trying to be friendly with his students, bumping fists with them and being chummy. She is quite certain that he would bring up the receipt of a letter in class and press to know who sent it, and she'd feel on the spot and uncomfortable. When I met him briefly at orientation he just seemed very eager and earnest. I don't think he's straight out of college, but probably under thirty. I told her on the way home that I wouldn't do anything she was not comfortable with. Then I got home and read the responses that suggested the teacher's behavior really needed to be changed immediately for the sake of all the students, and the question of grooming behavior. This clearly puts a different light on things which hadn't occurred to me. I'm going to spend the weekend having a few conversations about this with dd. I don't want to push too hard, but I will bring up the concerns that have been expressed here. I am certain based on what she has already said that she will understand these concerns. We'll be talking over how to proceed.

We're already getting ABA, which has included a bit of work on things like getting through a math lesson without shutting down. It has helped a lot. But our hours are limited, and we have a lot of other areas that need help. What I'd like to find is one or more tutors who get autism, preferably without breaking the bank. Dd is almost 12. We need to deal with middle school work now, but I'm also looking ahead. Her older sister has just started the local high school, and I cannot presently see dd11 thriving in that environment. I *do* have ideas I think are workable to get her a high school education, but I think I need help and support from others. I can't do this alone if I'm going to do it for the long haul. I want her to learn to work with and for other people. She needs to be able to do this as she matures. I want to take advantage of people who know their subjects better than I can or will, preferably people who can share their excitement in their subjects. I want her to be able to work with someone else for a while so I can do that load of laundry and genuinely clean the house without feeling like I'm short changing her education, kwim? Because she can't really keep going on her own yet. So, hiring college students is an option I've thought of, but when I hear the term ABA tutor it sounds really good, lol. The point about turnover among college students is a good one, of course. Maybe I should talk to the local tutoring agencies and see who they have. Someone with experience as a school aide could be good, if they can really teach. Or, I guess, even if they can just encourage her to keep working with material I've assigned, for now. I guess teaching is really a different role from supervising and encouraging, but either would help.

Okay, I still need to think through a lot of this. Just as a quick note, though... For us, insurance won't cover anything. Our ABA is funded through a county program, but it won't cover tutoring. So this is going to be a strictly self-pay situation if I can find people to make it work. Our BCaBA has actually just gotten qualified as a BCBA. She's really good, but she's hired through an agency where the lowest-cost help is a BCaBA at $80/hour. So the agency isn't going to be a source of anyone for tutoring. There is a local university I can check with. So, maybe I just need to ask about students with some knowledge of ABA, at least in theory.

Yes, you know, usually I'm really not pleased by anonymous notes. But this might be one situation in which I might consider that route. You are correct that other kids might have much more serious issues than my dd does, and his questioning is not limited to one assignment. It seems to be his basic methodology. He is young, and new at this school. He may need some mentoring from the principal or someone.

Me too!

Thanks, everyone. I appreciate knowing I'm not the only one who feels this is really inappropriate. All dd wants right now is to find her way around in this school without attracting attention until she feels a bit more comfortable. Since she's the one in the classroom and she doesn't believe this teacher would handle my intervention well, I am going to respect her wishes. I will suggest she makes up imaginary, low-key situations as needed; that's a really good idea. Once she's done with this class she may not ever need to deal with this teacher again. She'll only have one more semester of gym in her four years there. I may speak to him and/or the principal about the class at that point if she agrees.

Thank you so much! I've got to come back and study this when I have time. We're trying to get through some work here (wishing I had an in-the-trenches style emoticon on my phone). I want to spend some time thinking this through and get back with you.

Mostly a vent, I guess, but glad to hear any ideas... Dd, age 14, is a 9th grader in her first public school since we pulled her out years ago. Most things are going pretty well, but she's already fed up with her health teacher. They've been talking about stress and grief, and the guy wants the kids to give personal information in class discussions and on written assignments. Now, dd has experienced about as much stress as any kid who is not in an abusive situation. She has a younger sister with autism whose behavior has sometimes been over-the-top in a whole host of ways. She has watched her grandmother's decline through dementia, hospice and death, and a similar progression minus the dementia for her grandfather. The kid knows stress and grief. We have utilized counseling. This teacher is asking for personal examples of stress experienced, a "loss line" of grief experiences, and examples of how kids have responded to grief. Dd doesn't care to discuss any of it, but there is a participation grade, and written assignments exploring personal situations. She's entirely new in this environment; most of the kids were in middle school together, but she has no friends there, though there are neighborhood kids she had bad experiences with in elementary school. Even if she were among people she considered friends, a lot of this information is just private. She has neighbors in her class who have younger siblings. If she shared information about her sister's autism, that knowledge would very quickly be public among younger dd's friends. But the teacher's questions are constantly putting her in the position of awkwardly withholding this information. And talking about grief is just very personal, and lots of people prefer not to discuss it. So why the heck don't teachers understand that lots of their students may have issues like these? Why can't they say, " these are some ways people may respond to stress or grief. *Think* about which ways you have responded, and if it's a concern, here's what you can do." Why on earth do they demand kids share this stuff? I know she or I could contact the teacher and ask him to back off. I've offered, she doesn't want me to because she's seen him make some ham handed responses and she's afraid he'd end up calling more attention to her. Without talking to him, there's not much that can be done. So, mostly just a vent here. But, seriously: what are teachers like this thinking? I guess I'd appreciate hearing the other side. I'm all for connecting kids with appropriate help, just not putting pressure on kids to share private information.

I've seen references to these several times and I'm very intrigued. Are these people primarily BCBAs who tutor on the side, or tutors who have some knowledge of ABA, or what exactly? Where and how did you find them? They sound extremely helpful and I'd like to see if we could find similar people. Thanks!

What sort of absence would have been normal and expected for him in the past? That's what I'd probably go with as an explanation. Will she actually realize that it's night and he should be home?

This is a question I periodically ponder, too. Dd11 gave me another reason to come down on the side of keeping her home today. She was having a lousy morning trying to get through math, and grumbled, "I wish I was in public school. I could just give up and fail." I guess she at least knows I won't let her do that.

Not many signs here. A few bumper stickers. My favorite bumper sticker by far reads "Aubrey / Maturin 2016: there's no time to lose, for all love!" (Apologies to Patrick O'Brian, and wishing they were viable write-in candidates.)

I was the one who suggested dyscalculia. I was responding to when you said numbers didn't make sense, and the examples of needing to see "4" demonstrated in lots of different ways. Based on what you said above, though, it isn't entirely clear to me. Does she *want* to play with each number and explore every aspect of it? Is she doing this from a sense of fun? Or because she can't understand it without that exploration?

Try posting on Learning Challenges. I think what you're describing may in fact be dyscalculia. You're seeing lack of number sense, right? A lack of understanding what "four" is, and how it relates to, say, "two" or "ten"? Ronit Bird produces books which are probably going to be the most help in addressing this, but they are really more for you than for your dd. They are not open-and-go; they'll take a certain investment of time on your part, but can be very helpful. Folks on LC can give you more guidance.

Yes, I think OhElizabeth is right that it is likely to be very individual. When I first saw your question my reaction was "I'd like to know that too," because my dd isn't a teen yet. But, already, her ABA isn't just like anyone else's ABA. There are commonalities. I know her BCaBA has her car trunk filled with games, so she must play them with more kids than just my dd. But a bunch of other things we do are just because of who my dd is, and what her needs are, and what she enjoys. I do know the BCaBA mentioned helping a teen get adjusted to a new high school once: basically going along but sitting in the back, observing and just being available if needed. So it is likely to vary based on what you need. It should be positive, supportive, and respectful of your dc. That would be my requirement, and has been my experience. Beyond that, I'd ask when you call and talk to potential providers what it might look like.

I'm so sorry. I hope the school's administrators are caring and sensible, and turn out to be able to help you and your ds.

Maybe just fix him his favorite salad. You fix it, sit down with him, and chat. No blame, no criticism. And ask him what's up with him not wanting to fix food. See what he thinks.