Thanks, Kinsa. Yes, this is the sort of thing which has confused me. The diagnosing doctor might have not understood the system clearly herself. Social Security is just such a pain to deal with that I haven't pursued the matter very far, but if there's a benefit in doing it now, I don't want to miss that chance, kwim?

The thread about Benny brought to mind questions I've been putting off addressing, and it sounds like there are folks here with experience in this area. The income limit for parents has discouraged us from pursuing SSI for dd12. But when she was diagnosed, the neuropsych told us she was sufficiently disabled that we should look into a disability designation, and that it was easier to qualify as a child than as an adult. Has anyone gone through the process knowing that they would not qualify for any assistance, but wanting to establish that a disability exists during childhood? Is that possible? And, do you think there are disadvantages to obtaining a disability designation? This is for a child who can go for days seeming pretty much normal, but has a very hard time coping under stress. It is hard to know how much she may change as she matures. Some kids with ASD do very well, others seem to diverge more from their peers as time goes on.

Hugs, mama. Lots and lots of hugs. I hope your boys feel better soon and the oven and dishwasher are cheap, easy fixes.

Four hours a week? Melissa, forgive me; I respect what you have done for your twins and what you're trying to do for the new arrival more than I can say. And I know you know, better than I, what I'm about to say. But kids diagnosed with autism get ABA prescribed up to 30-40 hours per week. There are differing opinions about whether that's the right approach, but still, under some circumstances, it gets prescribed and the kids get the therapy. Your new arrival, poor kid, needs help just as badly. You and your other kids do too. As I said, I know you know this. I am just outraged on your behalf that someone isn't providing therapy in your home or wherever it would help you most for 40 hours or so a week. I do not begin to know if that would suffice to repair some of the damage that child has endured, but it might help you help him. We need to do better by our children. We are all appalled by child abuse, but we can't seem to provide the support an abused child needs to recover. (And I am using "we" in the broadest sense here; I doubt any of our countries really have this down pat). You, all on your own, are doing so much more than most of us. You deserve as much support as you need. I wish I could offer more than hugs and outrage.

Okay, thanks. That confirms my concerns. She started out with Lukeion and did well with their Latin 1, but then circumstances forced us to put her in school and I have not been impressed. But I know Lukeion is considered rigorous, so I wasn't sure what the average high schooler was getting. I wish to goodness I could homeschool this kid again. Thanks!

My dd14 is a freshman in public high school taking Latin 3. I'm starting to get worried about the low expectations of her course, but maybe I'm off base. It seems to me that by the time I was at her level an eon ago, we were starting to translate some original works. I think I remember doing a fair bit of Caesar's Gallic Wars toward the end of Latin 2, and Latin 3 was the Aeneid, all year pretty much. Does anyone know what is standard these days? I'm concerned that her teacher has stated they won't do any original works this year. They are still in the middle of a Latin 2 textbook. The only remaining class the school offers is an online AP Latin class, and even that apparently offers only a few isolated extracts. What is the expected background for the AP exam? I'm afraid dd will be at a disadvantage if other schools offer more rigorous courses, and we are wondering if I should try to find her a summer class or tutoring to fill some gaps. I'll be grateful for any guidance.

Ratties are wonderful pets. They really are very loving if they get plenty of gentle handling. We've had several that would lick us like little dogs and go to sleep in our laps. There are a few important things to know, though. The biggest drawbacks in our experience are their short lifespans and the high rates of cancer, especially among females. Be prepared to have them only live two or three years (three is extreme ratty old age, and many don't make it that long). It's awfully hard to spot a mammary tumor on a much-loved pet. Our vet discouraged surgery, saying most regrew the tumors quickly. Sometimes short-term is what you need, though. We loved our rats and miss them, and they filled a real need at a time when our kids weren't ready for their own dogs. Oh, and be sure to get more than one. They are very social and really need cage mates.

I think you're on the right track, but I agree with Lecka that you want her to earn frequent rewards right away. We've spent a year and a half working on this with my dd with ABA. She's 12, and she has made enormous progress. But if I told her that her reward was a week away she'd still collapse in a heap of despondency. You want her to experience success as immediately and frequently as possible. She probably feels an overwhelming sense of failure connected with all these hard "thinking" jobs. You want to absolutely guarantee that she experiences success, and gets rewarded for it, as soon as she starts trying to apply herself. That will help her keep trying. What you're really rewarding is the effort she makes. We do have small immediate rewards and also bigger longer-term rewards. Here, when dd is working at something that is hard for her, I hand out the small rewards after each problem or two. Once she starts to master a concept, we stretch out the distance between rewards to maybe one per page for her CLE math. For us, this is just what we need to do. It's all a big adjustment in thinking, I know. This is not how I taught my older dd, but it is the reality of autism for us. I think you're doing really well taking stock of the situation and finding ways to adjust. Best wishes!

OhE's first paragraph is spot on. (The rest too, but that first part about playing with her, doing things she likes, really resonates with me.) OP, this is how ABA works. You build the relationship first. You start with small demands and good rewards. Then, very gradually, you increase the demands while maintaining the relationship and the rewards. Eventually you can back off on rewards a bit while maintaining demands. It's a balancing act. At least, that's how it works for us.

If her currency is Pokemon, use that. I'm not very familiar with it myself, but if it's at all reasonable, I'd stock up on Pokemon stuff to use as rewards. At first, as you're overcoming ingrained resistance, low demands and high-drama rewards are your friends. There will be plenty of time to moderate things later. She sounds very much like my dd with autism.

Yes, it's happening here this evening.

OP, I'm hurting for both you and your dd. I have been in a similar situation in regard to dd's behaviors at least, and I know how hard it is. So, first, big hugs. Second, take this for what it's worth as an internet stranger's advice, but it sounds like you do believe your dd has some genuine issues. I would give her the benefit of the doubt and act on the assumption that when she shuts down, it actually is because, right then, she cannot do that work. She may, in a calm moment, understand the work. She may, by exerting great effort, be able to do it for someone else. But she trusts you as her safe person, and she is relaxing more around you and showing you all the good and bad feelings. You get to see her real limits. I know getting professional help may be hard or impossible. What I learned through ABA was *to give *very frequent* breaks, as someone mentioned above; *to reward good behavior: seriously, give her a chocolate chip for each problem she completes. You might even start with something more dramatic. Plan on continuing this for weeks or months, but you can scale it back after she gets in the habit of working harder and longer. Give her lots of praise, too. *to ignore bad behavior, insofar as possible. If she shuts down or starts whining or goofing off, ignore her, do something that keeps you calm, and start up again in a few minutes. The bag of chocolate chips in your hand helps with starting up again. The bad behavior might be there as a way to avoid hard stuff, or as a way to get your attention. Don't reward it with attention. Of course that's basic, but that is the recipe that has changed life for us. It does take time and patience, but it's made a huge difference here. Best wishes.

Just saying, my dd with HFA can most definitely manipulate people. Her diagnosis was late, because she's a long way from classic autism. But it's been confirmed in two additional evaluations since the first diagnosis. Eta the neuropsych noted that, unusually, dd does have theory of mind. She still got the ASD diagnosis. In the op's situation, I'd really recommend ABA, if it is an option. The waiting lists are often long, and getting access without a diagnosis might be hard. But it has helped us enormously.

I like Sparkly's suggestion of games. Maybe checking out the "relaxed math" thread pinned on the General Education board would yield some ideas, too.

This bears repeating. My child's anxiety looked like furious, angry, oppositional, destructive behavior. It was still anxiety, and responded well to being treated as anxiety.

We're getting a quote on these: https://www.carterlumber.com/certainteed-landmark-solaris-platinum-premium-designer-shingles-coastal-tan They look like they might be a good compromise between practicality and respect for all the neighbors. ;-)

Thanks for all the good ideas! I'm in a hurry at the moment, but wanted to say I'm still listening and appreciate everyone pointing out different things to consider. :-)

Thank you! Yes, that is the sort of thing I was thinking of.

Honestly, I'm probably not brave enough to go with a stark white roof, and my own style preferences run more to slate and traditional metal. But the environmental benefits of widespread white roofs sound compelling, and if more people had them I'd happily choose one also. So, I feel a bit of a moral push to be the one who does what she'd like others to do, if that makes any sense. We may end up going with the "cool roof" shingle option. My guess is that might be more generally acceptable.

Ahh, thanks. You're quite right, I didn't mention the trees between houses. I'll have to walk the neighborhood and pay attention to lines of sight, but no one directly overlooks the house except pilots and satellites. I wouldn't want to cause glare in anyone's windows.

Help me understand how the reflectivity is a problem, please? I can understand it maybe being a distraction by a highway. But, in a neighborhood, where trees separate the lots, while I can understand that it might not be appealing aesthetically to everyone, I'm not sure I understand what problem it would cause. But that's exactly why I posted. I appreciate the Hive's collective wisdom! We get plenty of rain and no dust to speak of, so I don't think dirt is likely to be an issue.

I love the light green metal roofs I've seen. There are some nice metal tile options as well as standing seam roofs.

Yes, I'd love to do solar, and we might at some point. But we still need a new roof underneath any panels. Actually, I have seen solar tiles that interlock somehow with roofing... but there's still roofing around the edge.

We will need to replace our roof soon, and I am strongly tempted to go with something different from the charcoal-gray asphalt shingles which are the norm in our area. For background, we are in a fairly ordinary brick ranch house, in a suburban, wooded neighborhood in the Mid-Atlantic. Houses around us are fairly traditional, ranging from colonial revival to ranches, built 1960s-70s. We have no HOA. We do not plan to move in the foreseeable future, and have considered this our permanent home. Our house is in full sun. Winter temperatures are mild, but summers are scorching. We spend more on air conditioning than on heating. I've been reading about cool roofing options. https://mobile.nytimes.com/2009/07/30/science/earth/30degrees.html?referer= There are a range of possibilities, from fairly standard-looking shingles in lighter shades to metal roofing to smooth surface treatments. I need to do a lot more research, but broadly, it looks like the shingles are a bit better at reflecting heat than standard shingles (40% reflected vs 10-25%). The more unconventional roofing types are much better (60-70% + reflected). So, how would you feel if a neighbor installed a light/white/metal/nonstandard roof? I'm not interested in causing angst or worries about resale values, but it does sound to me like something within the cool-roof range would be a sensible option. And, actually, the least conventional choices sound most sensible, though they may prove unaffordable. Thoughts?

I was not surprised, but I was sorry. Hasn't poor Flavia gone through enough?