Any suggestions for good current, not vintage, shows to encourage 11 and 14 year old girls to watch? Dd's ABA therapist thinks seeing social situations play out would be good, but I'm just not up on what's out there. The girls are familiar with Looney Tunes, nature shows, old BBC stuff like Jeeves and Wooster and Jeremy Brett's Sherlock Holmes, the British Bake-Off show. Attempts to encourage Star Trek and Dr. Who have elicited little interest. They don't like action shows or movies like Star Wars. They do like a lot of vintage sitcoms, but the BCBA specifically wants current shows. Since the purpose is to expose them to language and social situations which might be familiar to middle schoolers, my normal standards of basic good taste do not necessarily apply. Sigh. Still, we don't want anything really gratuitous: 5th grade potty humor yes, Game of Thrones no. I know they know my standards by now, and we'll discuss things as they come up. So, what are your middle schoolers enjoying? Or what do they hear that their friends watch?

Kat, it's just weird sometimes, isn't it? But actually I can understand being self-conscious in an organized setting, as opposed to clowning around on their own. I guess that's essentially the issue here. Maybe at some point the time will be right, he'll be ready and things will work out.

Terabith, yes, you are absolutely right. I've been referring to it as a social skills class, and she has actually acknowledged in theory that such a class could be helpful. We'll see. Negotiating works pretty well with her, and she's just decided she wants the new Harry Potter book. ;-) For us, negotiating is a good skill.

Yes, this class is supposed to be acting and improvisation exercises, but the whole thing is geared to kids on the spectrum, and the real point is to use those exercises to address social skills. I've talked to someone who said it was really good for her dd. Anxiety is the big barrier to participating for dd. She has absolutely no wish to be on stage, lol. But when she relaxes she is a natural ham, so I'm hoping these people have the skill to help her relax and draw that out. And as I said, I've got to get her there first.

For us the autism is maybe less of a problem in the school setting than the anxiety is. But trying to tease anxiety out as a separate condition actually seems almost dubious to me, but that's how it's labeled. In general the day was just so overwhelming. And for dd, sensory overload isn't actually much of a problem, but social overload certainly is. And then there are IQ/learning issues on top of that. So, do I want to stress her out at school, while clearly proving to her that she's not so hot at academics, in pursuit of social goals? So far the answer is no. We are looking at a social skills group which gets started next week, and I'm hoping she ends up liking that. Right now she's stuck in refusal mode, so I have some work to do there. As she gets older the social issues are becoming much more obvious to me. :-( And then there's the difficulty of being a girl with a condition largely diagnosed in boys. You'd have better luck with social skills classes around here than we have so far, OhE, because most are 100% boys and focused on Legos. Dd hates Legos. This class we're trying is focused on acting, and she's not crazy about that idea either, but at least I know of one girl taking part. So anyway, that's why we aren't doing school right now, and what we're trying instead.

I don't think I can link this, but it's on Spectrumnews.org today, entitled "Timing is key to understanding sensory, social issues in autism," by Mark Wallace. It ties these issues together with reading and cognitive challenges in a really interesting way. Sounds to me like it provides support for the idea of interactive metronome, too.

Would it help at all to think in another direction here? Can she start to see that some jobs are a calling, vitally important but not well-paid? That their worth is beyond pay? I'd make a list: ministers, certainly care of children, animals, the elderly and disabled, lots of advocacy in the non-profit world, museums, etc. I know this ignores the very important point that she actually needs a decent wage, but maybe as a beginning step, she can see that there are some jobs people do for love rather than money. It might help her sense of self-worth if she could view the vitally important work she already does as a vocation. And then, maybe find a way to do it in a setting that reinforces that view. For example, many years ago my mother taught preschool to children of low-income working mothers in a sort of Head Start-like program. She knew she was helping those kids, though she never earned much money.

Very true.

Hoping you get the information you need. ((()))

Actually, given the probable costs of evaluations and remediation, I like hornblower's idea. Get a math tutor. Shorter route to the same goal.

Is it actually clearly established that she does have a low IQ as opposed to learning disabilities? Has she had full, relatively up-to-date evaluations? Because some things might be able to be remediated. Unfortunately, of course, all that can cost $$$. But depending on insurance, maybe it's possible. I don't begin to know how insurers look on evaluations for adults. I like the idea of playing to her current strengths in child care in some fashion.

Anyway, everyone, thanks for the ideas and hugs. I appreciate all your ideas. You've given me a lot to think about.

Yes, of course you're right, and we have said this. Part of the problem is dd's own outlook. She really isn't interested in having her friend at the activity at all. She thought of taking the friend to see the activity's event as a one-time thing. She wants to focus on *the activity itself* when she is there, and doesn't want to be distracted by social life. She really is fond of the friend, but is used to seeing her in a different context. This is probably the autism talking... It doesn't even occur to her that friends become closer by sharing activities. This is, of course, the sort of thing we are trying to talk through with her. But to her, social involvement at the activity is an unwelcome distraction. But if they could both be participating on the same level, it would end up being okay. It's the status difference which really hurts. It's just hard to help her grasp that this was probably intended to be something they could share.

This has given me a lot to think about. I'll have to look for those videos. Dd is not comfortable with *anyone* discussing her autism. Me, doctors, therapists, anyone. She has fled from (necessary) medical appointments where it had to be mentioned. That's part of why this is such a big deal. The first time she was brave enough to do this with a friend, it has come back to bite her. But the whole theme of all of us being comfortable with ourselves is one I've been trying to reinforce. She is registered for a social skills class starting next week. I'm just hoping I can actually get her there. She is not happy about it. Thanks for the ideas, I need to think about this.

Yes, thank you. This is a big part of what I've been thinking since the friend sent the "I want to help you" text. All dd wants is for her to be a friend, as she has been for years. She doesn't want help, and the offer feels condescending. But this is a child, and she means well. I don't expect her to understand all these implications. Honestly I guess I'd been so focused on dd, and how big a step it was for her to share this information with anyone, that I hadn't thought ahead to how the friend might react and process this. I knew she was kind enough not to tease. The whole chain of events has happened pretty fast.

Yes, I can speak to the parents. They are good people, and I know this is new to them. But I'm not sure it would even be right for me to discourage their dd in any way. She is a good kid. She sent dd a text about "I still want to be your friend and I want to help you," and dd just rolled her eyes. The volunteering was just too much. I guess I'll have to speak to them, if only to explain why dd isn't answering her friend.

Dd11 is really, really loves an activity designed for special needs kids (she has autism). She is really good at it, has developed a lot of confidence, and thrives in that setting. She has been so proud of herself. She's been working at this activity for several years. The activity requires a lot of volunteers, who usually can start at age 14. Some participants have gone on to volunteer, dd knows this, and she is on track to probably be able to do so when she is 14. Dd has always been really reluctant to talk to anyone about having autism. This includes doctors and therapists, but most especially it includes friends. She's been afraid of being teased, of being different, of losing control of that information. So we were thrilled when she trusted a friend with that information and invited her to see a special event at dd's activity. It was major progress, a sign that she was seeing the autism as part of the spectrum of normal and not something she had to hide. I was so proud of her. And then the friend took part in a summer camp this activity holds for neurotypical kids alongside kids with special needs. And then the friend decided she wanted to volunteer at the activity. By ordinary guidelines, which dd has known, Friend is three years too young, but apparently on a case-by-case basis some kids judged mature enough are allowed to do so. So, if all has gone well with a test Friend was taking today, she'll be a new volunteer in dd's favorite activity. Dd is furious and heartbroken and angry at herself that she, dd, can't volunteer at age 11, after devoting years to this activity, but Friend can go for a week-long day camp, take a test and have what dd sees as a higher status in this activity. She trusted this friend with something huge, let her into her world, and Friend hopped ahead to something which is a distant goal for dd. I am heartsick for her. Friend is sending dd chirpy enthusiastic texts about how excited she is to be volunteering. Dd doesn't want anything to do with Friend. Ick, yuck, I hate the whole situation. Of course the friend is a nice kid, a kind kid, and any parent would be delighted she wants to volunteer with this group. Of course she doesn't understand. Apparently she didn't really get it when dd told her about the autism. And why would she? She's 11, and this hasn't been her life. But maybe it should have occurred to her parents that it wouldn't be all right with dd for Friend to do this? Or maybe they don't have the experience to understand, either. A place which was special to dd, really deeply important, where she was the skilled and successful one, has just become a reminder that her friend can effortlessly surpass her. I could just cry. I don't see any way it could be reasonable to ask the group to have Friend not participate, or fail the test, or anything. It wouldn't be reasonable to ask her parents to hold her back. Would it? I just don't see any way I can fix this. Any ideas?

I am in a swing state. In most years, I would vote based on philosophical principles, with an eye to Supreme Court composition. In this year, I will vote for the candidate I think will do the least harm to the nation.

Any and all Beverly Cleary books

Twig Big Susan

What riches! Thank you all so much. :-) I can't wait to start sorting through these.

I'm so sorry he didn't make it! I've been hoping that he would. But you gave him all the comfort and love you could. Well done.

This looks very helpful. Thank you!

Autism can certainly be expressed differently in different kids. This sort of situation (sudden, unexpected change; the loss of something which is highly valued; a perception of injustice because the child had been following established rules) would be a guaranteed trigger for my kid with autism. However, I suspect it would be a trigger for many neurotypical kids too. If you suspect this son is on the spectrum, evaluations are really the way to go. Otherwise you're just guessing. Something as small as tone of voice is just one individual element, when it's the total picture that counts. But giving advance notice of big changes is good parenting that works well for everyone. ;-)

Thank you! That's a fantastic list.