I hope my reference to caring for yourself didn't make you feel worse. I meant just what Sadie said. By seeing the doctor and resting as advised, you are taking positive action to get better. Give yourself credit. You're setting a good example for your dd, too. Hope you feel better soon.

Sounds like good advice. I'm glad you're taking care of yourself. Hugs.

(((Terabith))) Might it be a good idea to check in with your doctor? I hope your family is around and showing you that they care. Do they know how bad you feel?

Thinking of you this morning and hoping she's home and feeling better.

I'm so sorry you're feeling awful. Sounds like the doctor was right to recommend resting in bed. I hope you feel better soon!

How wonderful! Congratulations!

😎👩😃😃ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ´ðŸ¶â¤ï¸â¤ï¸ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ Oh, frabjous day! Thanks!

For Christmas specifically, I wish I had more to offer. The whole holiday season feels "on edge" for us too. There's just too much excitement (and we don't even do anything all that exciting, lol). One thing that I do think helps us is that we've always stuck to a very, um, archaic definition of Christmas. For us, it begins on Christmas Eve, not before. This is how it's always been, and the kids are sufficiently rigid that they think the rest of the world is wrong starting early, not us wrong starting late. The tree goes up and gets decorated on Christmas Eve, presents appear under it overnight, then they get immediately opened the next morning. Then there's vacation from school and playing and good food, but no more surprises, so no more real anticipation, just relaxing and fun. At least, that's the theory. It mostly works, I think, but somehow a degree of stress seems inevitable. Whether one could institute this with a kid who has always had Christmas stuff start earlier, I'm not sure.

I know you've probably tried all the obvious things, but for anticipation about when to leave, would a written or visual schedule help? Maybe with an extra activity to fill the anticipatory time? So, if the class is at 4, the schedule would say "Lego play, 3:00-3:30"; "get shoes on, brush hair, put on coat, 3:30-3:40"; "leave for class, 3:45." Or would that just push the anticipation earlier?

Atta girl! I am really impressed by how hard you're working at this, too. Keeping my fingers crossed for you.

This, exactly, right down to the bucket analogy. We've used that figure of speech for years. The only difference I'd give in the answers is that now dh does understand very well what is going on, thank goodness. Since we do have a child on the spectrum, any talk of consequences would be completely inappropriate for us, at least in the moment. Actually, any chastisement, dirty looks or maybe even just any *talking* would be inappropriate, because all of that would just add more stress when she's already unable to handle what she's got. Really, we're not into consequences so much as encouraging strategies to make that bucket bigger, and we're very proud of the progress she's made. Ymmv.

Thinking of you and hoping things are looking better.

Hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. You're right, the respite provider has no clue what you are dealing with.

It isn't called Cappies, but there is a one-act competition that the director seems very focused on. Maybe she wants things to look good for that. I don't mind the competition, per se, but it bugs me if that's what is driving the parent involvement. They do have about 4 students doing stage crew and lights and sound, but not designing anything or making props, set or costume. When we did it, we did have the advantage if a school with a long history of theatrical productions. We had a costume room stuffed (stuffed!) with clothes parents and grandparents had donated over the years. We could pull out anything from 1890's dresses hardly any one could fit in to flapper beaded numbers to 1930's gangster-looking suits. It was great. (Can you tell I was Head of Costumes?) We learned to sew making the things we couldn't pull from storage or borrow from professional or college companies in town. We didn't have home ec classes, but following a simple pattern isn't that hard, and several of us had moms who could explain what notations meant. Same for props, sets, etc. : some things pulled from storage, others located or built. We did some pretty elaborate sets, and that was *how* we learned. The experience was just so good. There was a big group of kids involved: each crew had a student or two in charge, and as many as they needed to help. We sold ads, ran the house, sold concessions (less elaborate, but fine), hung lights, did everything. It was how I got past not being comfortable placing phone calls to strangers and got experience supervising others. Heck, when I got my first real post-college job, I remember being shocked because I had less responsibility there than back in high school running the costume crew. So, I'm just sad all that isn't available to my dd, and wondering about the reasoning behind it. I appreciate hearing others share their experiences.

Yes, I was a backstage kid, and I had a friend who went on and has done very well as a set designer professionally. It was really a great experience for a lot of us. I wondered if liability issues might be at fault, if this was a general trend. Maybe it's just this area.

Anyone have kids doing theatre? I'm intrigued by differences in how dd's school manages things compared to my school years ago, and wondering if this is widespread. We always had crews of kids managing sets, costumes, lights, etc. There'd be an experienced kid heading the crew, and others working under their direction. It was a lot of fun and a fantastic learning experience. There was an adult director and, in my later years, an adult tech director who supervised, but kids did all the work and had leadership roles. At dd's school, parents do all that stuff. They build the sets, find the props, make the costumes. The results may look more polished (not actually convinced, but they may), but the kids get none of that experience. I'm wondering if this is the standard experience now or if it's unusual.

Does she have a diagnosis? Can you tell what the root of the problem is? Are her mistakes based on a lack of understanding, or memory issues, or short attention span, or poor frustration tolerance? If you're sitting with her as she works, some of this should be observable. Then that helps you figure out how to address the issue. It might not be a matter of curriculum at all, but of addressing her own specific needs.

I'm so glad you posted, I was thinking of you a little while ago. I hope the hospital can help.

Spork, this is a valuable post. Thank you. I'm so sorry you have had to deal with that treatment.

Thinking of you, Terabith. How's it going?

Your Defiant Child: Eight Steps to Better Behavior, by Russell Barkley. So much better than the Riley book!

I have to be quick, but I couldn't let that recommendation for The Defiant Child by Riley pass without comment. My child was diagnosed with ODD when she was five, before we later got a more accurate diagnosis of ASD. In our experience, that book was not on target, but actually contributed to more problems. Riley assumes your child actually has the capacity to do what you want, when you want it. Many of our children do not. Riley's approach is to pile on more punishments and bigger punishments until the child finally yields. He thinks the problems are caused by willful disobedience. *That is very likely not true.* Our kids have a variety of brain-wiring issues which make it much more likely that what looks like defiance is actually a product of frustration because they can't do as well as they'd like. Alleviating that frustration and providing problem-solving tools will be more helpful than thinking of bigger and better consequences. Rewards are better than punishments, and understanding goes farther than meeting the child's rigidity with your own. I'd return that book and, instead, find a copy of The Explosive Child. There's another I am trying to remember as well which focuses on rebuilding a relationship with your child by spending uncritical time with him, just appreciating his interests. Maybe someone else knows it. It was very helpful to us.

It will get better. I know it is so hard, but it will get better. Do you have another adult helping you in person, day to day? A dh, friend, parent? I'm glad you're seeing a professional every day. I wish I could offer in-person support, but I am thinking of you. You have more support out here than you will ever know.

N/m

Thinking of you, Terabith, and hoping things are improving.