Sometimes we have that issue with one of our kids, but it is easy for me to see where the roots are. Sometimes not so easy for the other parent. I think its worth looking to see why there is no (or little) respect. Is it because boundaries were too loose, or perhaps too tight? Is it because enough time wasnt taken to really listen to the child, or now teen? Why was respect lost? Did the parent stay rigid and not stay open to being wrong, to apologising when they lost their temper etc? Is the parent too serious and cant laugh at themselves? Can the parent bear to listen to some teen music in order to connect with the teen, or will the parent stay in their parent box? Teenagers respect integrity, they respect apologies, and they respect sincere attempts to connect with them on their own level. I am finding that having teenagers can be very humbling because i am honestly not always right, not always a good parent, I don't always listen, and sometimes I make mistakes. My teens notice all these things and unless I am willing to stay humble and human, they lose respect when I hold them accountable to where they go wrong. As my teens get older I am letting go of "you must" and "you should" and am learning to ask, as I would wish to be asked...."would you be willing to....?". I am free with hugs and welcome homes, and make time every day, especially now that they are out of the home much more, to connect. One of the things i learned with homeschooling that i have valued so much is to remember to put people and my relationship with my kids before things and responsibilities and right and wrongs. Connection and "keeping their heart" is first. I think that could be a priority if one has "lost their heart" for any reason. Connect back heart to heart first, and dont break the trust, because its hard to build any healthy relationship without that first.

Zen is actually a type of buddhism that encompasses all things that religions cover- including a certain flavour of aesthetics which in zen's case is fairly sparse, stark, simple, and often exquisitely beautiful. It might use techniques such as Japanese flower arranging or zen painting to help awaken people to the present- but it is far, far more than a set of aesthetic or lifestyle principles. Zen has different offshoots in other countries ( such as chan buddhism in China) but is Japanese and so has that Japanese flavour. Feng Shui is Chinese- I found this definition- An ancient Chinese system of designing buildings and space arrangement according to special rules about the flow of energy, aimed at achieving harmony with the environment; In Chinese mythology, a system of spiritual energies, both good and evil, present in the natural features of landscapes ... Feng Shui is not a religion in itself but may be part of the culture's expression of their religion, so to speak. It is more ....architecture mixed with Taoism and understanding of energies such as flow, stagnancy etc. For the purpose of "uncluttering" - both can be very useful. For me, the zen part is the letting go of stuff part- the stripping back to the essentials, including the emotional letting go of my attachment to stuff and the past. The feng shui part is the arrangements, the making sure there is a flow, that all parts of the house and yard are functioning well and serving their purpose.

It comes from the concept of Zen Buddhism which is the way Buddhism flourished when it went to Japan. Zen buddhists traditionally live quite simply and starkly, but there is also a deep appreciation of beauty. Think monasteries, koans, bare walls with a single ornament in the room, bonsai, sand gardens beautifully raked, everything immaculately clean and simple- a calm, aesthetic, uncluttered environment. Emptiness is a central concept in buddhism, and zen buddhism, so a sense of space, of spaciousness, is characteristic of zen. Hence the coining of the term for living more simply, with less clutter, giving a sense of peace and space.

It would be the same book- he has written several- similar ideas in them all. Another concept from the book that brought up resistance in me at first but that I think is really useful, is that our partners generally ask from us exactly what is most difficult to give- but it is also exactly where we need to go for our own growth, our own wholeness. For example, since opposites tend to attract, one partner might prefer to be alone a lot more than the other- leaving the other partner feeling needy more often (its a common pattern). But for the partner who is withdrawn and more self sufficient- it can be realyl healthy for them not to always go into that withdrawal pattern, and learn to meet their partner's needs for intimacy and connection more. ANd of course for the needy partner, it can be good to learn to let their partner have space more often. I like that idea...it means when my partner is being "demanding" in some way, or critical- it might be communicated in a clumsy way, but essentially there is likely to be something in there it would be good to listen to and be open to changing. So, he encourages people to try and meet their partners needs to some extent, and really hear them...rather than defending. Sees like common sense but its more common not to do it!

As I said in the other thread, I don't want to be the only one who isn't laughing- my dd certainly laughs too, though she rarely instigates the jokes. She is just good humoured. I have noticed that she sometimes looks at me because she doesn't want to offend me- hence my own decision not to make a fuss at all and to laugh if that feels natural. (OK< sometimes I do roll my eyes!)I dont want to be sour and morally righteous while everyone else is having a good time :) I didn't really grow up with a lot of potty humour- my family was open about nudity and even farted freely, but it wasn't considered funny- just natural. So its not really a morally righteous thing for me- it just never occurs to me that things like that are *that* funny. But I think they are funny to kids *because* they are forbidden to some extent. ANd to men like my dh, whose mother would have been mortified and definitely would have tried to control it, its not wonder it is still funny.

I agree its highly likely (and it has certainly happened to me- I cant eat all sorts of things I used to and even my kids can only eat so much cr*p before asking me "for something healthy, please"), but the other possiblity is that you are in a 3rd world country..who knows what they put in their Big Macs. I have been to McDonalds in India and it was...kinda wierd :) For starters they had no beef, which I thought was very unique but understandable considering the religion of most Indians considers the cow sacred. Considering the disgusting things that these fast food places do to their food even in the West (according to many teenagers who work there), who knows what it was you actually ate :) Sorry, thats just where my mind goes:001_smile:.

I think #1 was a huge, life changing event, but relatively easy for various reasons, probably the main one being that she was a very easy baby and i was just ready for motherhood and it felt very natural for me. I thoroughly enjoyed myself and her. #2 came hard on the heels of #1 though (17.5 months apart) and my body, while still young, didn't handle it so well in retrospect (my hair went straight and stringy for quite a while), our living situation was different and I felt very isolated, I tandem breastfed and for a while didn't get any support for that (but I don't regret it), and he was a difficult baby with colic and an angry temperament. So he was definitely the more difficult of the 2. Often people have easier 2nd babies because they are better at the mothering thing by then, but it didn't work like that for me. I would have had more kids- at least one more- but dh already has an older dd and didn't want more. He has an autistic sister still in the care of his elderly mother and one of his main concerns was getting a disabled child. He wanted to stop while we were ahead.

:lol::lol::lol: It is a technique of communicating. I will try to explain it. You sit opposite each other but close. The space in between you is the space of the relationship. You imagine a bridge going between the 2 of you. One partner then invites the other partner across the bridge into their world. They verbally invite the other across the bridge- actually saying the words "I invite you into my world, would you like to come over the bridge? " or something like that- which immediately puts them in a vulnerable space, and the partner agrees (generally) and lets go of their agendas and their "world" to go into their partner's "world" and listen to them. So partner who is speaking then shares one issue or problem or "the" issue. The listening partner is totally present for them and listens without comment. After a little bit, they repeat back to the speaker what they thought the speaker was saying- just mirroring it back, not adding anything. Its kind of like doing a narration of what the speaker said. They then ask "did I get it all?" and the speaker then gives feedback as to how well they feel heard, whether they feel heard, whether the listener missed something etc. It keeps going- with the speaker sharing and the listener listening and narrating back what they think they heard, until the speaker feels finished, and heard. Then, you can swap over and the listener invites the speaker into their world and shares. What we find is that it really helps us to put ourselves aside and really LISTEN to the other's perspective. And just when we want to jump in, defend, say something, justify etc- all we are allowed to do is repeat back to the speaker what we heard them say (in our own words). It is amazing for forcing you to listen and empathise. There are more parts to it- such as validating the speaker's point of view, even if you don't agree with it. Its common for couples to invalidate each other and it can be very healing to have your partner validate your perspective and say something like "I can see, from your perspective, why you would think that, or do that, now that I have heard you speak". SO thats the general idea. I learned it from reading it in the Getting the Love You Want book, but also from this really beautiful documentary called Crossing the Bridge, which is a documentary of these two Jewish holocaust survivors who found the Imago therapy and run workshops. I havent got the audios- I just watched the DVD. A beautiful DVD on relationship therapy and what it can do.

Same here. I tried. Gave up. I dont want to be the one sour person while everyone else is cracking up, including dh. So I surrendered :) I find they do actually know when it is appropriate NOT to do it, most of the time.

My books seem to always gravitate towards the spiritual and "self help" genres and I cant bring myself to "make" myself read something different when thats what I want to read right now (and most of the time for years). So, I have read For Women Only and Life With a HOle IN It last week and am now reading Radical Acceptance. I still have Story of a Soul half read next to my bed but altohugh I can feel the sweetness of it, its not as pulling, for me, as I expected, because I dont subscribe to her beliefs. I thought I would be able to overcome that, and to some extent I can...but I find myself picking up other books instead. For Women Only was interesting and a good reminder (and I did check with my dh and he especially emphatically agreed with the respect aspect) but not quite earth shaking. Life With a Hole In It is a beautiful autobiographical read of a woman's spiritual journey as her husband is dying of cancer- also reflecting back on when her young daughter died of cancer. Very touching, real, and uplifting. Radical Acceptance- I love Tara Brach, a modern Buddhist teacher who is also a psychologist. I listen to her lectures frequently, and her book is beautiful.

Lol, yes the top one is dd16 and I. The bottom one was my ds15 jumping off a cliff into the river just down the road. Now its him doing a backsault over a log (photo is a couple of years old now) :) Its a bit small to see properly, I realise- I just dont have many close up ones :)

No, I didn't and wouldn't do it- I prefer to make a rite of passage out of it when they are older. As in "for your ........" b'day you can get it done. I think for dd it was around age 9. I wanted her to be old enough to look after them herself. However, its really not something I think is a big deal and it doesn't bother me that others get it done whenever. I noticed that many Indians and some other foreigners seem to get it done for their baby girls so I guess it is a cultural thing for some people.

Its true. Fires are normal, though still devastating. The thing about the fires here though is that they were fanned by the winds from Cyclone Yasi which is incredibly bizarre because that hit the coast in QLD days ago now, we are west and south of QLD on the opposite coast thousands of kms away and the weather shouldn't be coming this way, and whats a cyclone in QLD getting over here for anyway? Its incredible. We have had very strong winds. However central Australia has had some great rain so that is a good thing (its all desert). Also, the houses burned here were really on the edge of the city in virtual suburbia- it came as a shock that there would be a fire right there but no one predicted the winds, which also kept changing direction. Also we will have food issues here as well, just like Sandra was mentioning in Victoria and QLD- because the cyclone that fizzled before it hit Perth the week before Yasi hit QLD, actually did hit inland and devastated many farms. Thanks Amber...I dont know any farmers but will keep it in mind.

The truth is that this has helped me many, many times over the years, as well- I am pretty sure it is natural for a woman to want to talk it out with friends. It does depend on who I share with, but I have learned who NOT to share with pretty well from experience (eg my mother). If I share with the right person, I feel supported and it does help me get things in perspective- and at the same time I know they are mature enough not to think any less of dh. I know there is a big no no about sharing with other women and its because there can be a tendency for it to get very catty and not go anywhere healthy. But if one is aware of that possibliity, and has appropriate friends or relatives, I think it is as valid an option as any. Sometimes we just need to be heard and our dh is not in the right space to be bombarded.

I homeschool so I don't have to test. You are not allowed to test me. I refuse to test.

We email each other when its too "hot" to talk. Recently I have come across some good things that I am using. One is Harville Hendixes Getting the Love You Want and Imago Therapy. WHen I taught my dh about using the technique of Bridging, it changed our ability to listen to each other and really feel heard and we use it a lot nowadays. The other is Non Violent Communication. I read the book last year sometime, but did a foundation workshop in it 2 weeks ago and I love it. Its been around for years. I have read other books over the years, such as The Surrendered Wife, which at the time was good for me but I have probably integrated it and moved on now. I find that the only person I can change is myself but that honing my communication skills helps a lot too. ANd if you have trauma left over from a previous marriage (or from anything), I really recommend getting some trauma counselling. I just keep on keeping on at it. ANother useful tool is The Work by Byron Katie. ANd really...my husband does not do any of this stuff. I do. I read the books and do the workshops- he is not interested. However, I find that is often enough, and if I can handle a situation well- the relationship benefits- and he grows too.

If you haven't used it in a year (or 6 months) AND/OR you don't love it. For stuff you are not really sure of, you can box it and hide it and if you didn't miss anything in it in a certain period of time, then you can safely get rid of it. I dont have a replacement limit and i have never needed one. However I do play the 2nd hand market (hence the clutter:001_smile:) so I always know I can replace things cheaply. I have thrown half a dozen pairs of Thai fishermans pants in the last few months. Yesterday at swap meet I saw a pair that I really loved and bought it. DH was stunned to hear me say it was now my only pair. But I love THIS pair now, and dont miss the others at all. Go for it! I get ruthless and I really very rarely miss anything that i have got rid of. I call it "zen-ning".

While the clean up after the cyclone is happening in Queensland, the storm clean up in Victoria, and floods are still happening in NSW..... WA got off relatively lightly from its recent cyclone......but now we have bushfires here that have destroyed 60 homes already, right on the edge of the city, 45 minutes drive east from me but also north and south. And the fires are still going. Very sad. What is it this season?

This is me too. I do appreciate the thought that goes into them but I am not one for keeping everything, so unless they are the sort of thing I might frame, I might toss it after a while OR I might cut the back off it and use the front part as a card and forward it to someone else. I really appreciate it when people dont write on the back of the front of the card, for that reason. I also like making home made cards (although I usually get dd16 to do them), but I wouldnt want anyone to feel obligated to keep it (clutter and all) so I try not to get too invested in it, and keep it simple.

Its all relative, isnt it? It depends who is doing the judging. Birds of a feather tend to flock together. In the community and environment where we live- we are both weird to the more conservative element (the policeman next door is convinced we are way out whackos) but generally speaking we are among like minded people (I guess a bit like living in southern California if you are crunchy- something like that). In our more inner circle of friends, dh is way out there but my level of eccentricity is considered quite normal. Its all relative. To my family, dh is definitely the weird one though, although I am sure they also think I am pretty out there- its just that *my* type of out there they are proud of, wheras *his* out there is just plain weird :). But I cant say its a generalisation I would make about all the couples I know.

Cleaning up after dinner and also preparing for a women's meeting tomorrow. I didn't sleep well last night and for some reason I seem to think that sitting like a zombie in front of the computer will make me feel better.

I think the big, patriarchal God based religions- Christianity, Judaism, Islam- have sin as a central concept. I dont think Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoism, Shintoism etc do. The concept of karma is quite different from the one of sin. Sin denotes an ultimate code by which one should live- as given by some authority- (in my mind, anyway), wheras other religions, while encouraging moral behaviour, allow it to be more directed from within and from being in touch with ones own naturally moral nature, rather than an objective concept of "sin".

I was reading a book recently that talked about how in most marriages one partner is the "maximiser" and the other is the "minimiser". The maximiser tends to over dramatise and make a fairly big deal out of things that to the minimiser, seem not worth getting upset over. So the minimiser tends to under dramatise them and try to calm the maximiser down using various strategies, but then the maximiser feels unheard etc. Even with 2 calm people it tends to polarise, especially with parents. In our marriage, dh is definitely the maximiser and provides enough drama over what I consider to be insignificant issues, for an army of marriages. So no, he is not calm and even by any means. :001_smile: Be careful what you wish for :)

I have a dh and a ds with addictive personalities. I guess it comes with a sort of *totality* about everything they do. They cant just do thinks half heartedly- its all extreme. Dh cant have a drink- has to drink to excess (therefore he abstains). I know you have had issues with your son and computer games- that seems very common and has been an issue here. We limited certain types and limited access- nowadays its social networking rather than games. And nowadays, we don't limit it much- we allow it to be self limiting- homework, chores, etc must be done. But when he was younger- lots of boundaries. I guess its an acceptance of that sort of totality and encouraging it wherever I see it directed in a healthy way. My son has come from from his first days at school desperate to do well, and spent 3.5 hours doing homework on his 2nd evening. Thats totality! So I encouraged it and literally sat with him to support him (he asked for and needed it.) Projects, attitudes, obsessions, emotions - things tend to be all or nothing. Not much moderation. When I see dh, I see it may not change much- its kind of a personality trait. So I try to accept the heart of it and direct the surface energy, if that make sense. Its not a negative thing altogether- perhaps it is a sort of high energy attitude to things and I think many leaders have this quality. I guess its just a case of

:lol::lol::lol: But I am so enjoying all the free time I have now that I am not homeschooling! In between getting them off to school, and spending all evening helping with homework, that is. Seriously though, don't you think there are enough nutrition books out there? i know I wanted one a while back for my teens...but if I were to write one, which audience would I write for? There are SO many different perspectives on nutrition its enough to drive anyone batty...which is probably why we need more balanced ones with a fairly broad perspective and an understanding that we dont know it all yet rather than "this is the one and only way"....but really, just thinking about it puts my brain on overload. But I will continue to consider it.