Help Me Be OK with Three

[MrsWeasley]

My husband doesn't want any more kids. I would ideally like five kids, but I want to reconcile to his decision to stop at three. There are lots of things that make it hard. Every milestone my youngest hits is so bittersweet knowing this is the last time I will do it. Every baby at the library, on Facebook, at the store makes me feel so sad that my kids are no longer tiny anymore. I also really fear becoming an empty nester so young. I dropped out of college to care for our firstborn. I had my last at 26 years old. I have been parenting pretty much my entire adult life. I have no career or degree, and I hated working fast food like I did while pregnant. I love caring for my kids, but I kind of hate cleaning and the idea of being a homemaker with an empty nest also sounds horrid. I worry about the financial sense of going back to school at that age, and if we're going to be completely honest, I can't imagine a job as fulfilling as raising and educating my kids. My mother-in-law came from a family of five, and he grew up with many cousins. My father's brother died very young, leaving him an only child, and my mother only had a brother who never had children. My husband used to frequently comment about how I had pretty much no extended family, and though he's stopped saying that after he learned how much harder this makes the end of our childbearing years for me, I still really want a family life like his for my kids and their kids.

 

My husband has many good reasons for wanting to stop: we've gone over and over and as much as I hope that one day he will change his mind, I need to learn how to be okay with the idea that he might not. Any advice on how to let go of a dream for more children?

[Night Elf]

:grouphug:  I went through the same thing. DH wanted to stop after 3 kids. He even made it permanent and got a vasectomy. I took a long time grieving. I don't want to discourage you though. Basically, I focused on my kids and tried to enjoy every moment with them. We did lots of fun things when they were young. I played with them and we were all really close. For example, sometimes we would stay up super late, sometimes all night, playing games or watching movies. Those were special times. I was the cool mom that their friends liked. I worried that throwing myself into raising them would make the empty nest even much more harder, but our relationships changed as they've gotten older. We're still all close but I'm not nearly as involved in their lives as I was when they were young. I spend a good deal of time on my own. I don't like house cleaning either, so I do not have a perfect house. Thankfully DH doesn't mind. I do things I enjoy such as watching certain tv shows, some movies, reading, and playing games. To be honest, I'm perfectly content with my life. I did go back to college several years ago but had to quit after a year because my kids were struggling with homeschooling and I needed to spend more time with them. I figured I'd go back at some point, but now I'm thinking I'll never go back. It was fun while it lasted, but with kids near college, I can't justify the expense of my own education when I have no plans to use any degree I might earn. The next thing I'm looking forward to is DH retiring, probably in about 7 years. We'll see. You'll eventually come to terms with the decision, although you may always feel a little wistful when you see babies. The pain fades after time. I can't tell you how long it might take. That's a very individual thing.

[MrsWeasley]

bumping...surely this is more common?

[Guest]

I'm sorry. I have BTDT. I also lost a baby at birth and I think that further complicates things. My DD never got to "really" have a sister and it adds to my sorrow. I am still not really happy about it, but I am resigned to it. Regardless of what you think about going to college/training for a career later in life, this has probably been one of the biggest helps to me. I am very glad I began college at 38. It has helped me find other things to focus on.

[momacacia]

Ummm, I wish we'd stopped at 3 but I'm 42 with surprise #4 coming along. There will not be a 5th, even though DH would be happy with 10.

 

I'm struggling to figure out how I will get #2 to her violin lessons without 2yo there, much less a baby, how to get everyone everywhere and have the energy to teach them and stay sane. I'm grateful I did my career in my 20s before I married and had kids, but I definitely feel I've given up having a "life" doing the SAHM hs mom lifestyle. It's all about them now.

 

I hate to sound rude. I'm sorry you're sad about not having more, but maybe a hobby or interesting job or going back to school would help. ??? Even my MIL who had and homeschooled 9 is now 65 with an empty nest. She I'm sure has less energy to do anything with, but she'll have to figure out her life sans kids. And frankly, Christmas with all the in laws and her now 20-something grandkids (and counting) is just too many people to really get to know and have a relationship with. She'll never get to really know all of them and she and FIL spend all Christmas cooking for all the events.

 

Guess I'm just saying, the grass is always greener, sadly. Now I need to start a post about how to cope with having a 4th you were not hoping for. :-/ But at least you sound like a good person. I don't. :) I just think 3 would have been the perfect number for us. Everyone's different.

[Daria]

I always pictured myself with a large family, but I ended up with one for a variety of reasons.  I still have fantasies that somehow I'll end up with another, but I know that's not really going to happen.  I also think very much about the possibility of grandchildren, but my 15 year old swears that that isn't going to happen.  Coming to terms with that hasn't been easy, so I don't have great suggestions, but I just wanted you to know you aren't alone.

 

Since you've loved raising your kids so much, is there work you could do that's related to that?  I work as a special education teacher, and find it very rewarding.  I love the connections I form with kids.  I've also thought that I'd probably make a good nanny, especially for a child with special needs, and would probably love that work.  It's not in the cards because it doesn't pay enough for my needs as a single parent with college on the horizon, but it might be an interesting option for you to explore.  

 

If your youngest leaves the nest at 18, you'll be 44, that would give you 20+ years for a career, definitely worth the expense of school, if that's what you decide you want to do.

[twooakharborhicks]

We only had two but I always wanted three and our situation was a tiny bit different because we had to stop because my babies kept getting earlier each time and I spent my entire last pregnancy on bed rest in the hospital so we made a joint decision and he got a vasectomy.  It was incredibly difficult at first.  It still is sometimes because it seems like everyone in home schooling circles has four or more and there's a new baby every other week.  There were times when I wouldn't go into the family room at our co-op because I couldn't stand to be around all the babies.  I also had my last baby young (24) and I really didn't know what to do with myself because I'd sort of given up everything to be a mom and to home school.

 

Here's the thing though, I've actually found that it's gotten easier to take as my baby got older.  I stopped grieving what I'd lost and started celebrating all of the things that I could do that I couldn't do when we had a baby hanging around.  We got out more, we took spontaneous trips to the beach, we got the puppy that we'd been talking about getting for years, we had so much more mobility than so many other young families and I was so much less stressed out and more fun than I was when they were babies.  All families are different and I'm not knocking any of them, I'm just saying that I think this was really good for our family in particular.

 

I don't know what the future will hold.  Maybe someday we'll change our minds and want to adopt.  My husband was pretty much desperate for a daughter and he still talks about it occasionally.  The boys want another brother for some reason. :blink:   The thing about being young is that adoption will be an option for us for many years to come and we don't really have to make a decision on it until we're good and ready.  For the time being, I've settled into the family that I have and not the one that I had in my head and after years of angst and heartache, I finally figured out that it wasn't so bad.

 

So I guess, feel what you need to feel and take things one adorable baby at a time.  It's hard and some days it really sucks but the most important thing is coming to a conclusion that's right for everyone in the family and that everyone can live with.  Maybe talk to your husband about some sort of long term birth control method (personal beliefs permitting) and give it a few years.  In any case, I promise that it does get easier.

[marbel]

I'm sorry.

 

It might help to remember that even if your husband wants another baby, another baby might not come! 

 

As a young mom, you may have many years ahead of you to have a second career after your kids are launched.  Many people, myself included, who are older, envy that a little bit.  I agree with those who suggest thinking about a career in a related field. 

 

:grouphug:

[Tsuga]

::hugs:: To you all.

 

Going back to school, particular for early childhood ed, may provide some distraction and activity. Many students start in their 30s and 40s.

[Guest]

We only had two but I always wanted three and our situation was a tiny bit different because we had to stop because my babies kept getting earlier each time and I spent my entire last pregnancy on bed rest in the hospital so we made a joint decision and he got a vasectomy. It was incredibly difficult at first. It still is sometimes because it seems like everyone in home schooling circles has four or more and there's a new baby every other week. There were times when I wouldn't go into the family room at our co-op because I couldn't stand to be around all the babies. I also had my last baby young (24) and I really didn't know what to do with myself because I'd sort of given up everything to be a mom and to home school.

Same here. In my hs co-op, not only was there a rash of babies, but there was a rash of over-40 babies and also some later in life adoptions. I kept thinking it was a "sign." Look! All these surprise babies later in motherhood! One mom I know had two unexpected cabooses!

 

Well...I have had to reconcile that it is not a "sign." It is just the blessings of others that are not for me to covet.

 

eta: fix my tag

[LibraryLover]

Put it on the back burner for now. My dh thought he was done, but he wasn't.  It took a few years. The day our youngest was born he said, "If we are going to do this again, we should do it soon." He was that excited. I never took him up on that offer, although sometimes I wish I had. 

 

And PS. Just because you want to have another baby does not mean you actually want to be an ECE teacher.  Don't rush into anything. I know it's difficult, but try to enjoy these busy times, and let the future unfold as it might.

[Gentlemommy]

My husband doesn't want any more kids. I would ideally like five kids, but I want to reconcile to his decision to stop at three. There are lots of things that make it hard. Every milestone my youngest hits is so bittersweet knowing this is the last time I will do it. Every baby at the library, on Facebook, at the store makes me feel so sad that my kids are no longer tiny anymore. I also really fear becoming an empty nester so young. I dropped out of college to care for our firstborn. I had my last at 26 years old. I have been parenting pretty much my entire adult life. I have no career or degree, and I hated working fast food like I did while pregnant. I love caring for my kids, but I kind of hate cleaning and the idea of being a homemaker with an empty nest also sounds horrid. I worry about the financial sense of going back to school at that age, and if we're going to be completely honest, I can't imagine a job as fulfilling as raising and educating my kids. My mother-in-law came from a family of five, and he grew up with many cousins. My father's brother died very young, leaving him an only child, and my mother only had a brother who never had children. My husband used to frequently comment about how I had pretty much no extended family, and though he's stopped saying that after he learned how much harder this makes the end of our childbearing years for me, I still really want a family life like his for my kids and their kids.

 

My husband has many good reasons for wanting to stop: we've gone over and over and as much as I hope that one day he will change his mind, I need to learn how to be okay with the idea that he might not. Any advice on how to let go of a dream for more children?

 

No advice OP, but I feel exactly the same way. Dh points out that we have three heathy wonderful kids ( and I agree, and am beyond grateful for them) but it doesn't change the fact that my heart is breaking.💔 It's very hard. ((Hugs)))

[PentecostalMom]

I can't really help you be okay because we are kind of in the same boat. We are both unsure if we want more, but don't use contraceptives, so we are kind of consciously avoiding until we decide. I am an older mom now, but unlike you, I do want to do something when the children are grown. Dh is working on his third degree (necessary due to career changes) and when he is finished I will continue my education. I want to do something to help the homeschool community in my area and state.

[JennyD]

First, hugs to you {{{}}}.  Coming to terms with the end of childbearing can just be really hard.  It's such an amazing stage of life, but eventually, no matter how many kids you have, it does come to an end.  

 

My situation is somewhat different from yours, in that I had my first at 33 and my third at 38.  I'm now 42 and while I have to admit I get a pang when I see a baby or a family with four, I know in my heart that we are done, and that that is the right decision for our family.  

 

FWIW, perhaps the most useful thing I have ever read on these boards, on any subject, was a few years ago on a thread on this same topic.  A poster said something about it being time to invest in the children that she had rather than making more.  That resonated deeply with me, and ever since I have tried to consciously live this idea.  When I get one of those pangs, I do my best to reinterpret it as a cue that I should -- right at that very minute -- turn to my children and focus on what they're saying, or stop and read them a story, or just notice how lovely they are.   It helps.

 

I also agree with others who have noted that you will still have plenty of time to build a career for yourself after your kids are grown, and that's a wonderful thing.  While there's no reason you have to figure out now what you're going to do later, it might be worth just holding the thought in your mind and keeping your eyes open for opportunities that come up as your children grow.  

 

 

 

 

 

[Jerico]

Hugs to you. I had my kids at 21, 23, and 25. We chose to be done for many reasons but that didn't make it less hard. When I put the baby to bed on the night before his first birthday I sobbed hysterically for a very long time. It was the last time I would ever hold a "baby" of my own.

 

It has gotten easier over time. I'm enjoying all of the things I couldn't do with my kids when pregnant (cause I was not a good pregnant lady) or had a young child (walking zombie for at least a year).

 

I'm just living in the moment. I don't know what I will do when they are grown. I will see what is the best fit then. I suggest you do the same. Plus, your dh may feel differently later. Grieving is okay, but missing out on the kids you do have now will only compact the pain later on.

[MicheleinMN]

My youngest is 13 and while it doesn't hurt anymore, it still makes me sad now and then.  

I can't tell you how to make it not hurt, but I can tell you that letting bitterness take hold will do nothing good for you, your marriage, or your family.

[Ausmumof3]

It's hard and one of the few downsides of contraception...

 

For me, it helps to think of things that we have been able to do that I couldn't if we had another baby on the way, holidays and museum visits etc. it's hard not to be resentful sometimes though.

[nevergiveup]

In your post, you sound like the main reason to have more kids is that you are scared of your future and what you will do without the daily job of caring for children.

And that is making you hyper focus on others' babies.

Realize that that is a poor reason to have more kids regardless of your age.

The empty nest will happen but that does not have to mean that your life will be empty.

[maize]

You need to give yourself room to grieve, and if necessary help your husband understand your need to grieve. Someone close to me is in a similar situation and one of the hardest bits has been that her husband doesn't want her to be sad about not having another child. It is one thing to accept that one's spouse feels the family is complete, but another thing entirely to be expected not to grieve for the loss of potential hoped-for children.

 

Disappointments and changes in plans and expectations are a normal part of life, but so is grieving over those disappointments. The way to move beyond grief is to allow oneself to move through the grieving process.

[RebeccaS]

:grouphug:  My dh is significantly older than I am.  We married when I was a month short of 23 and I had my first baby at age 24.  Numbers two and three followed in quick succession and suddenly I was 26 with three small kids.  When ds was 5 months old, we had a pregnancy scare that sent dh to make things permanent.  I grieved then because he was done and I really wasn't-I just needed a bit more of a gap between my kids.  ;)  Fast forward a couple years and he was open to having more kids.  We ended up becoming foster parents through our county and we have since adopted two more boys.  Now, our finances dictate that we MUST be done or we could not afford to save for college for our kids (and this is very important to dh).  I'm grieving again.  I loved fostering and wanted to adopt more.  It's been several months since we gave up our license and I still feel sad sometimes.  I don't know that I'll ever not feel a little bit sad about it.  Just wanted you to know you aren't alone.   :grouphug: