When someone says "I have never cheated on my spouse"....

[Tammy]

What exactly does that mean? Does it mean they never had s*x with another person? What do you consider 'cheating'? Can someone tell me what the Bible says about this?

 

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[i.love.lucy]

Well, we know the bible tells us not to commit adultery, that is to cheat on your spouse. I think that is entering in to an emotional, lustful, or otherwise intimate relationship with another person who is not your spouse. We also know that Matt 5:28 says that whoever looks upon another with lust has committed adultery already in his heart.

 

What would constitute adultery, or cheating, in my marriage would be the intimate relationship part, and certainly sex, with someone else. I would not leave my husband for looking lustfully at another woman, but I would expect him to not continue in that line of behavior and clear it up with God.

 

Is this what you're asking?

[Sputterduck]

Job 31:1

 

"I have made a covenant with my eyes;

How then could I gaze at a virgin?"

 

That tells me it isn't okay to even look. No emotional affairs, no kissing, and certainly nothing beyond that. Don't even look.

[Tammy]

is the same as doing it 'according to the Bible'?

[cin]

The Bible does state that looking lustfully at another woman is the same as bedding her. But, knowing how men are wired, I doubt there are many that have NOT looked upon other women lustfully.

 

That being said, I would not leave my husband for anything except repeated physical cheating. I know that he can make a mistake. It's that repeated thing that would get to me. I also think that there is one other area that I would consider borderline cheating. And that would be the emotional affair. If my husband started becoming emotionally attached to a female co-worker, I would have problems.

 

tha'ts my 2 cents worth :) And I'm so tired that I can't really elaborate much more.

[Sputterduck]

is the same as doing it 'according to the Bible'?

 

Not necessarily. If you stop the thought you did the right thing... If you actually carry it out well... you took it even further than you needed to.

 

It still falls under the category of cheating, but I wouldn't say it is the same thing. Definitely not good either way. And the spouse would be rightfully hurt either way.

[HeatherInWI]

I suppose it depends who's doing the saying. We all know now that Bill Clinton has a much different idea of what constitutes adultery than most of us do.

 

I'm guessing that most people would mean that they'd never had any kind of sexual involvement with another person other than their spouse during the time that they've been married.

 

 

I think, to be truthful, it should also include never contemplating doing anything of the sort -- not "mentally" cheating, either.

[Hedgehogs4]

i don't know what your marriage vows said, but mine said "keeping only unto him as long as you both shall live?" i said "i will."

 

that was tested severely for me when i was caught up in a relationship that led to an infidelity of a most unusual sort...no s-x so no "cheating" or at least that's what i had reasoned out. but i had allowed a part of my heart to become so distracted from its calling to "keep only unto him" that i might as well have carried it out all the way and called a spade a spade. swim? yes, adultery lives in the heart, not the final act.

[Joanne]

I can't take the "look at lustfully" passage absolutely literally. I'm sorry, but my understanding of God does not include a Maker that would make sexual attraction/attractiveness so strong and therefore make every married person in sin for fleeting thoughts. That would be like a parent trapping a child with a set up. Not good parenting; and God is the best parent.

 

For me, cheating on a spouse is:

 

1) Continued activity with a person the spouse has asked for a change. For example, if a spouse says "no more business lunches with "X", continuing is cheating.

 

2) Playful, flirty interaction that the spouse has asked be stopped or minimized.

 

3) Any deliberately hidden communication or interaction.

 

My xh met his wife (#4) online. They were having an affair LONG, LONG, LONG before they ever met in person.

[LUV2EDU]

Admiration is one thing, but to lust after, fantasize, and desire to be with the other person is where the sin comes into play.

 

If you have eyes, you will notice that a man or a woman is good-looking. To say "she is pretty" or "he is handsome" is not a sin. The sin is in the lustful thoughts of being with this person. Also, if you are emotionally intimate with someone other than your spouse, this is considered emotional cheating.

Edited May 10, 2009 by LUV2EDU

[HiddenJewel]

I can't take the "look at lustfully" passage absolutely literally. I'm sorry, but my understanding of God does not include a Maker that would make sexual attraction/attractiveness so strong and therefore make every married person in sin for fleeting thoughts. That would be like a parent trapping a child with a set up. Not good parenting; and God is the best parent.

 

The initial thought is not the sin. That is called temptation which Jesus also experienced. If you continue on in the thought, that is sin.

[LUV2EDU]

The initial thought is not the sin. That is called temptation which Jesus also experienced. If you continue on in the thought, that is sin.

 

:iagree:

[Kelli in TN]

I don't know about anyone else, but I know that when I say it I mean "I have not had sex, I have not kissed, I have not hugged (past the platonic side hug), I have not spoken intimately with, been alone with, spoken on the phone outside of your (my dh) hearing with, texted, emailed, or any other communication, fantasized about (really, I keep tight control on my thought life), compared you, to any other man since I made the choice to marry you."

 

And this has not always been easy. During the torturous early years of our marriage this took serious effort to keep my mind clear of thoughts of comparison and fantasies. It has been worth it.

[i.love.lucy]

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

[Natalieclare]

The initial thought is not the sin. That is called temptation which Jesus also experienced. If you continue on in the thought, that is sin.

 

 

Temptation is a little bird flying through your head. Sin is letting the bird build a nest there.

[sagira]

What would constitute adultery, or cheating, in my marriage would be the intimate relationship part, and certainly sex, with someone else. I would not leave my husband for looking lustfully at another woman, but I would expect him to not continue in that line of behavior and clear it up with God.

 

This articulates well how I feel about this.

[Tammy]

Thanks Kelli.....that is what I wanted to know....what people actually consider 'cheating'.

[*Inna*]

 

Temptation is a little bird flying through your head. Sin is letting the bird build a nest there.

:iagree: That's very good!

[ChristusG]

What do I consider cheating?

 

A physical affair is definitely cheating, but my range is also much broader than that. Sharing intimate details about your life with someone of the opposite sex, going out alone with them, texting/emailing/calling them, thinking lustfully about them, fantisizing about them.

 

Everyone thinks a member of the opposite sex (other than your spouse) is attractive from time to time....it is fine to do that. But when you start constantly thinking about them, focusing on them, trying to catch their attention, etc....that's when it becomes wrong.

[stripe]

Personally I'd be suspicious of anyone who runs around talking about how they're not cheating. Rather like a college friend who never missed an opportunity to mention her virginity. Suffice it to say that "the lady doth protest too much."

 

I wouldn't appreciate fantasizing and intimate conversations, but I am not sure I'd call it "cheating." Though I would likely consider it a betrayal. I am not sure I could make a clear distinction between the two synonymous words otherwise!

[6packofun]

ITA. My first thought on reading the original post was to wonder when that statement would ever come up in conversation without sounding like TMI or trying a little too hard to convince someone of their fidelity. Huh.

 

To me, cheating is when someone's response to the temptation in their mind leads to any action that takes their heart away from their spouse and towards someone else. Becoming emotionally involved by sharing too much can be cheating. I think a lot of adult men and women friends who are married fall into this trap whether or not they ever do anything romantic or sexual. That doesn't mean that married adults can't be friends with someone of the opposite sex, but guarding one's heart needs to *always* be on one's mind if one is going to allow a close friendship of that sort. Not to mention making sure that your spouse is OK with it.

 

I think intentional flirting can be cheating because often there is an underlying, subtle hope that it will move beyond that.

[AuntPol]

I can't take the "look at lustfully" passage absolutely literally. I'm sorry, but my understanding of God does not include a Maker that would make sexual attraction/attractiveness so strong and therefore make every married person in sin for fleeting thoughts. That would be like a parent trapping a child with a set up. Not good parenting; and God is the best parent.

 

For me, cheating on a spouse is:

 

1) Continued activity with a person the spouse has asked for a change. For example, if a spouse says "no more business lunches with "X", continuing is cheating.

 

2) Playful, flirty interaction that the spouse has asked be stopped or minimized.

 

3) Any deliberately hidden communication or interaction.

 

My xh met his wife (#4) online. They were having an affair LONG, LONG, LONG before they ever met in person.

 

 

I agree

[Spy Car]

I don't know about anyone else, but I know that when I say it I mean "I have not had sex, I have not kissed, I have not hugged (past the platonic side hug), I have not spoken intimately with, been alone with, spoken on the phone outside of your (my dh) hearing with, texted, emailed, or any other communication, fantasized about (really, I keep tight control on my thought life), compared you, to any other man since I made the choice to marry you."

 

And this has not always been easy. During the torturous early years of our marriage this took serious effort to keep my mind clear of thoughts of comparison and fantasies. It has been worth it.

 

"Been alone with"? Really???

 

Good golly gosh, I've been about as straight an arrow as I can imagine in my marriage, but I've certainly been alone in the company of women and/or a woman without any sense I'd cheated on my spouse.

 

And spoken on the phone with a few. Plus I sometimes hang-out with y'all.

 

Hmmm.

 

Bill

[mrsrevmeg]

I don't know about anyone else, but I know that when I say it I mean "I have not had sex, I have not kissed, I have not hugged (past the platonic side hug), I have not spoken intimately with, been alone with, spoken on the phone outside of your (my dh) hearing with, texted, emailed, or any other communication, fantasized about (really, I keep tight control on my thought life), compared you, to any other man since I made the choice to marry you."

 

And this has not always been easy. During the torturous early years of our marriage this took serious effort to keep my mind clear of thoughts of comparison and fantasies. It has been worth it.

 

 

:iagree:What she said. Well.... with the exception of the phone calls. I have had to talk to our pastor a couple of times while my husband was at work. His wife was home at the time, so I guess that makes it okay. :D People who know me know that I am not a free-hugger. If I didn't marry it or give birth to it, I probably don't hug it. We both made the agreement when we first got married not to be alone with someone of the opposite sex. It is not always easy, but it can be done.

[BigMamaBird]

I always use the sibling test. Would any behavior, thought or action I have toward a man be icky if that same activity were directed at my brother? If yes, then I consider it inappropriate.

 

Of course, this doesn't always apply. There are many things I have the freedom to do with my brother that would be inappropriate with a random man. For instance, I would never go fishing alone in a boat with a man other than family, but you get the general idea.

Edited December 19, 2009 by BigMamaBird

[stripe]

I've emailed men since I've been married, and I don't consider contacting customer support or whatever to be cheating. . . I posted and then I realized I said exactly the same thing 8 months ago!

 

Why has this thread been brought back from the dead, anyway?

[sarawatsonim]

I think that cheating is any physical or emotional interaction that you wouldn't DO it with your spouse standing next to you, then you know it's wrong.

[Mrs Mungo]

I can't take the "look at lustfully" passage absolutely literally. I'm sorry, but my understanding of God does not include a Maker that would make sexual attraction/attractiveness so strong and therefore make every married person in sin for fleeting thoughts. That would be like a parent trapping a child with a set up. Not good parenting; and God is the best parent.

 

For me, cheating on a spouse is:

 

1) Continued activity with a person the spouse has asked for a change. For example, if a spouse says "no more business lunches with "X", continuing is cheating.

 

2) Playful, flirty interaction that the spouse has asked be stopped or minimized.

 

3) Any deliberately hidden communication or interaction.

 

My xh met his wife (#4) online. They were having an affair LONG, LONG, LONG before they ever met in person.

 

:iagree:

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I know that when I say it I mean "I have not had sex, I have not kissed, I have not hugged (past the platonic side hug), I have not spoken intimately with, been alone with, spoken on the phone outside of your (my dh) hearing with, texted, emailed, or any other communication, fantasized about (really, I keep tight control on my thought life), compared you, to any other man since I made the choice to marry you."

 

And this has not always been easy.

 

Mostly, :iagree:, except for...

 

"Been alone with"? Really???

 

Good golly gosh, I've been about as straight an arrow as I can imagine in my marriage, but I've certainly been alone in the company of women and/or a woman without any sense I'd cheated on my spouse.

 

And spoken on the phone with a few. Plus I sometimes hang-out with y'all.

 

Hmmm.

 

Bill

 

:iagree: I have been alone with men and my husband has been alone with women. However, in those cases, it is extremely platonic. For example, we are good friends with a couple-she's an Air Force officer, her hubby works from home. He and I ride together to spouse events sometimes, we talk on the phone about spouse stuff. My dh has given the wife a ride to/from work or events on occasion. There is zero sense that it is anything but on the up and up. There are a lot of couples like this that we have been such good friends with that sleeping with them would really be like sleeping with a relative.

 

That said, there *have* been women who worked with my hubby who set off my radar and my hubby respected me and those feelings enough to avoid being alone with *them*. Sort of along the lines of what Joanne is saying.