Graciously discussing your child with others

[Marie463]

Oh boy. DS 3.5 is reading. Very well. Like 2nd grade well (I think). My dh and I make a conscious effort not to boast (or even mention) his reading skills to others - particularly those with children of a similar age. Many of his 3-year-old friends are learning their letters and doing other normal 3-year-old things...so when other parents mention to us that think that their precious little one is gifted because they just recognized the "C" on the Cheerios box, we just nod, smile, gush over them...all the while thinking to ourselves that ds did the same at about 16 months. But I digress...

 

Despite our best efforts not to boast about our little guy, he has been innocently demonstrating his abilities in front of others recently. For example, we went with several other moms and kiddos to McD's for lunch after preschool today. During a lull in conversation, he clearly read the sign on the playplace door in a loud voice: "Please do not enter without socks. Socks available for purchase for $1." The other moms just looked at him in awe. Then asked me: "Is he really reading?" Not wanting to lie, I of course said, "Yes." But, then I tried to make light of it by following up with "...but he also still picks his nose." :001_smile:

 

How do you all graciously handle others recognition of your kids abilities? I truly believe that all kids are exceptional...and would love to convey that to other parents and not have them feel bad b/c their little one is not yet reading. At the same time, I don't want to deny/diminish ds's abilities - particularly when he is right there and listening. Any suggestions?

[2cents]

I also had early readers and this is familiar to me. I didn't boast but I would accept compliments. I didn't feel the need to add any comments that would lessen or diminish my child's ability (ie..the picking nose comment). I think that kind of response is counterproductive and not necessary. Just a polite affirmation that the child was reading and a thank you if complimented is IMO enough. Just because people may comment on a child reading doesn't automatically mean they are assuming their own should be reading or are not as advanced. You might be making some assumptions that don't fit the facts. Less is more. :)

[Mommy22alyns]

Just a simple answer and thanks if complimented... I agree, less is more. I also resist the urge to diminish my child(ren) to make others comfortable. :)

[SunshineMom]

People will often say "wow, she's really smart." I just say thank you for I am not sure what to say to that. I really don't talk to people about what we are doing because I find I am uncomfortable and I sense they are too. Some family members will throw jealousy stuff at me like "so, ..I hear the kids are accelerating over there." I just say, "we are having a good time with school." I would just rather duck or not answer, than deal with other's insecurities.

[Catwoman]

Just a simple answer and thanks if complimented... I agree, less is more. I also resist the urge to diminish my child(ren) to make others comfortable. :)

 

I agree. I don't believe in diminishing a child's accomplishments -- a bright child will pick up on it, and start to think he or she isn't good enough. I hate people who brag about their kids, especially when most of them tend to also... shall we say... "embellish" along with the bragging, but if someone compliments my child, I accept graciously, and if I'm asked a direct question about what he's reading or studying, I am truthful about it, even if I know their dc are doing much less challenging work.

 

I think it's all in the delivery. If you're matter-of-fact about things, and don't make everything into The World's Smartest Living Child Has Done Something Else Your Kid Could Never Do, most people are ok with it. And if they're not, it's their problem, not yours, right?

 

Cat

Edited March 27, 2009 by Catwoman

[Reya]

I said more when DS' problems were interfering more. Now I only mention it when I'm saying how well the phonics training worked!

[musicianmom]

What I have found myself facing is people asking in a semi-accusing manner if I taught my daughter to read or if she taught herself. The implication is that it's fine if she taught herself, but I must be some sort of pushy parent if I actually taught her. I usually respond by telling them of how she would wake me up in the morning, climb into bed with me and do her reading lesson while I struggled to keep my eyes open so I could follow along.

 

(Not to say that I never push her, because sometimes I do. But my pushing is more of a "come on, either quit goofing off or we're going to close the book" kind of thing.)

[~Jenn~]

Ditto to the advice the other posters have given you:iagree:.

 

I've always found it helpful to compliment something the child of the other parent is excelling at as well..."Yes, ds does enjoy reading. I can't help but notice how thoughtful and kind your little Suzie is!".

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

Oh boy. DS 3.5 is reading. Very well. Like 2nd grade well (I think). My dh and I make a conscious effort not to boast (or even mention) his reading skills to others - particularly those with children of a similar age. Many of his 3-year-old friends are learning their letters and doing other normal 3-year-old things...so when other parents mention to us that think that their precious little one is gifted because they just recognized the "C" on the Cheerios box, we just nod, smile, gush over them...all the while thinking to ourselves that ds did the same at about 16 months. But I digress...

 

Despite our best efforts not to boast about our little guy, he has been innocently demonstrating his abilities in front of others recently. For example, we went with several other moms and kiddos to McD's for lunch after preschool today. During a lull in conversation, he clearly read the sign on the playplace door in a loud voice: "Please do not enter without socks. Socks available for purchase for $1." The other moms just looked at him in awe. Then asked me: "Is he really reading?" Not wanting to lie, I of course said, "Yes." But, then I tried to make light of it by following up with "...but he also still picks his nose." :001_smile:

 

How do you all graciously handle others recognition of your kids abilities? I truly believe that all kids are exceptional...and would love to convey that to other parents and not have them feel bad b/c their little one is not yet reading. At the same time, I don't want to deny/diminish ds's abilities - particularly when he is right there and listening. Any suggestions?

 

You do exactly what you're doing. And you just shrug, and smile and say, "Isn't that the funniest? That's just 'his thing,' I guess. We're just kinda standing back and watching to see where he'll go with it. Hey, did you hear about that controlled burn they're doing over in Unicoi? I almost didn't get to sleep last night because of the smoke. Did it affect you over your way?" And I love the "picks his nose" line! That's great. It puts the other mom at ease immediately.

 

There are people who will think you are pushing your child, of course. And they will think that your hand on his back is doing just that, pushing, when in reality you are just trying to grab on for dear life and keep up. But it's all good. Just be humble and ready for the time that he frustrates the daylights out of you because he can't figure out how to possibly tie his shoes, or (like my friend Paula whose very brilliant son is now grown and married and a successful graphic designer) find out when you go to repaint his bedroom that he's picked his nose AND he's wiped his boogers behind his bed. Every night. For, oh, five years or so.

 

I can remember her telling me a story about him when I had a very little baby (my eldest) about when he was three and he kept riding his tricycle into the [active for traffic] alley. She says she would scold him and scold him, then finally just spanked him because of the danger, then FINALLY, when she figured it was just too many spankings and starting to border on abuse, she asked him, "Aaron, WHY are you riding your tricycle into the alley when you *know* you're going to get a spanking??" She says he looked her dead in the eye and said, "Because it's *worth* it."

 

Hoo boy. That scared me and taught me to not underestimate the scary and not mature thought processes of a bright 3 y/o!

 

(And yes, she did at that point just take the tricycle away, which would be the first choice of many of us, but hey, it was her first kid and he was three. And she was not prepared for that level of reasoning! LOL)

[Laura Corin]

I usually turn it around to what the child likes to do. So the conversations goes like this:

 

'Wow! He's reading already?'

'Yes, he really likes books.....'

 

'He's taking that biology exam this early?'

'Yes, he got really interested in science..'

 

Then we can carry on to what the other children are interested in. I used to add in something along the lines of 'but he still picks his nose', but realised that it was unfair on him to be running him down in front of others in order to help me deal with my own embarrassment. I might still say something like that if the child couldn't hear.

 

Best wishes

 

Laura

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

I might still say something like that if the child couldn't hear.

 

Absolutely true. And there's a point of respect to think about -- I was always horrified as a child when my mother shared private foibles about me in front of her friends. As mamas, we do share this stuff. But we run a big risk of pushing our child away and hurting his heart if we do that where he can hear. It's hurtful.

 

I mean, I want to teach my child discretion about private family matters by more than demanding he keep his counsel away from the house. Modeling it is a pretty important part of that.

 

Once again, Laura, thank you for the reminder to pull the child toward me and not push her away. I often get too cavalier about taking care with tender feelings.

[CAMom]

You do exactly what you're doing. And you just shrug, and smile and say, "Isn't that the funniest? That's just 'his thing,' I guess. We're just kinda standing back and watching to see where he'll go with it. Hey, did you hear about that controlled burn they're doing over in Unicoi? I almost didn't get to sleep last night because of the smoke. Did it affect you over your way?" And I love the "picks his nose" line! That's great. It puts the other mom at ease immediately.

 

Just be humble and ready for the time that he frustrates the daylights out of you because he can't figure out how to possibly tie his shoes, or (like my friend Paula whose very brilliant son is now grown and married and a successful graphic designer) find out when you go to repaint his bedroom that he's picked his nose AND he's wiped his boogers behind his bed. Every night. For, oh, five years or so.

 

 

 

 

Oh! My! Goodness!:lol: Are you sure you're not talking about my son?? I had that exact same experience while painting my brilliant son's room when he was about 8! I gave him a scraper and made him scrape every booger off of every wall he'd been wiping them on (he had them behind the bed and in his closet)! It was one of the most disgusting parenting moments ever!

 

And, I've always answered like you suggested above, Pam. My oldest is extremely brilliant academically. But, the kid has no common sense nor can he find his way out of a paper bag.;) At 4yo he was sitting in the back seat on the way home from the dentist. He says, "I guess I can wait 900 seconds for a snack." I asked him what he meant. He said, "Well, the lady said I couldn't have a snack for 30 minutes after I got the flouride thingy. That was 15 minutes ago. So....I have 900 seconds left." As he sat in the back seat, he had converted minutes into seconds and multiplied that by 15 to get his answer.

 

In a similar situation, he piped up from the backseat (again at 4) and said he knew how much it would cost to laminate a football field's length of paper at Lakeshore Learning Store (we'd been there just a few days earlier). I asked him how much and he blurted out a number. My dh just said, "Is he right?" I pulled my calculator out of my purse (;)) and figured it out and he was! We asked how he figured it out and he told us he knew the price per foot so he just converted the hundred yards into feet and multiplied by the price per foot.

 

He would do this type of thing in public all the time. So, I got used to saying, "Yes, that comes naturally for him but he has his weak areas just like everyone else.....change subject....":)

 

At age 16, I still deal with it some. Now I have to add in talking to the kid himself about remaining humble as he hears people around him commenting on his academic ability.

[kpupg]

I used to add in something along the lines of 'but he still picks his nose', but realised that it was unfair on him to be running him down in front of others in order to help me deal with my own embarrassment.

 

I so agree with Laura. Be wary of the child learning that he embarrasses you or whatnot (whether or not you really think that -- remember he can't read your mind), because come middle school age, it will start coming from other kids. He needs to have that solid inner security from Mom&Dad.

 

Of course, teaching the child to practice humility is another topic altogether ...

 

Karen

[lionfamily1999]

When other people bring it up, gee your kids are so smart, I tend to shrug and say, yes, they're great kids. I don't really want to discuss it. Conversations like that feel like mine fields to me, one false step and kablooey! So, I avoid them.

 

However, when I get that arched eyebrow, you homeschool, oh... well, then the gloves come off and I, admittedly, brag to beat the band. It's not pretty and I know I shouldn't, but it's so hard to shut up when that happens.

 

I'd have to say, the most gracious way to discuss your dc is to keep their accomplishments to a minimum and avoid comparisons like the plague. Advice easier given than followed. ;)

[violin69]

What I have found myself facing is people asking in a semi-accusing manner if I taught my daughter to read or if she taught herself. The implication is that it's fine if she taught herself, but I must be some sort of pushy parent if I actually taught her.

 

I heard the same questions especially when dd started to read early.

[Reya]

I only talk to people WITHOUT kids about my DC IRL! :-) Other than that, I take a compliment and try to find something to compliment in return (after a suitable time has lapsed so it doesn't sound forced). I'm not that much of a natural complimenter, so if this sounds artificial, that's why. :-)

[Reya]

I usually turn it around to what the child likes to do. So the conversations goes like this:

 

'Wow! He's reading already?'

'Yes, he really likes books.....'

 

'He's taking that biology exam this early?'

'Yes, he got really interested in science..'

 

 

*blinks* You know, that's how I've always automatically responded. "He's a math fiend!" or "He's going through a big anatomy kick right now."

 

I really can't say that I've ever had negative responses to my kids after they turn 3 or so. It's mostly before then that people are ugly.

[SunshineMom]

We were visited by my MIL a few weeks back and she was impressed with the girls school progress. She was a former ps teacher. Apparently my MIL talked about this with my SIL who was very antagonistic with me on the phone. She is the one that said "so I hear you are accelerating over there" and "well at least you can say you have taught them one thing (to read)." I just said we are having fun homeschooling. She wanted more but I didnot give her any info. Sheoften way too dramatic about everything and enjoys humiliating others in public family functions. She then proceeded to tell me that her 8yr was tested upon entering K with a 12th grade reading level. I never knew that...was some kind of secret however she didnt allow him to go into psK until he was 6 even though his b-day fell on the 1st day of school. I am not sure whether to believe her or not but that is not the issue. I donot know why she is choosing to be so jealous or insecure. In order to keep the peace, I feel like I can no longer share what we are doing w/ my MIL. My kids are brightish and I am proud of them. My SIL and I have never gotten along so I feel like my MIL is stirring the pot. There is a long history of this stuff and I think I finally learned my lesson. It is just so hard to realize that the kind of relationships I wanted with my inlaws is just not possible. Can anyone relate?

[Storm Bay]

I've made the mistake of embarassing my dc, so now I just take the compliment. Of course, my baby is now 8, so I usually just get comments like, "Wow, so and so is so smart" and I just agree calmly. No point in denying it. Kid are usually the ones to say it now.

 

When I was trying to find a pediatrician I liked, I went to a woman once who refused to believe some of the things dd was doing and wanted dd to demonstrate things in the office. How many 9 month old babies do this kind of thing in a doctor's office? Dd didn't do things for show, and I didn't expect her to. Thankfully, we found a doctor, by the time she was a year, who took everything in stride. He's been around long enough to have seen it all, and when I told him about her speech when she was 18 months, he simply said, "Are you sure you're not really x yo?" But not scoffingly (he has a dry sense of humour and said it quite kindly to her.)

 

I used to use the line about mine being early learners (except ds), but, in fact, that is really more applicable to gifted kids than to all kids. Not all gifted kids speak early, walk early (none of the ones in my family walk early), etc. However, it was the best I knew to say at the time, and it usually worked.

 

I think I'd have a lot more trouble if my dc were more academically motivated. But they'd rather read/play/make up languages/draw/design costumes or countries/learn to fold complex paper airplanes etc than sit and do math. One of the different things about my kids compared to most kids is the amount of planning and writing they will do. My kids will spend all day planning their play. Bedtime will come and they'll complain that they haven't actually played yet. Their games are usually extremely elaborately planned.

 

Of course, doing math as part of a game they've made up isn't really math ;). The same with writing a play or story on their own. Reading about science, history, etc, isn't work if it's done because they want to.

[mchel210]

I have had this problem ever since my girls had been babies. All our friends have kids the same age.

 

But my 3 month old was crawling, walking by 6 months, talking full sentences by 1, reading by 3...the other was potty trained at 13 months, walking at 8 months, same path as her older sister.

 

I get mean looks all the time. We never try to speak to other parents about our children's abilities. I find that they get turned off and get kind of mean. Like I am lying?? Hello. I dont want to boast about them...they just ask at what age your child did this? and you tell them and they get this look like you are not being truthful.

 

According to PS here, my dd is in K at 6yo. She is 4 months younger then my neighbors kid. My neighbor doesnt believe that my dd is working 2 grade levels above her dd and brings out her dd homework and asks my 6 yo to do it and prove that she can!!! OMGoodness. I cant stand it.

 

I just keep my mouth shut now...and I dont tell anyone unless they ask. And I leave it at that. :)

 

 

I dont discuss class or work anymore with any friends! Unless I know they have kids working at the same level! If they mention how proud they are of their kids I smile and agree. I dont know what the average 1st grader is doing.

[Lucy the Valiant]

Taking notes here from all of you wise mamas . . . I have (first grandkids) early reader twins, and we hear a LOT of this.

 

Some great ideas in this thread!

 

I usually reply that Tad (from LeapFrog videos) taught my girls how to read early! LOL

[Lizzie in Ma]

Just a simple answer and thanks if complimented... I agree, less is more. I also resist the urge to diminish my child(ren) to make others comfortable. :)

 

:iagree:

[Catwoman]

We were visited by my MIL a few weeks back and she was impressed with the girls school progress. She was a former ps teacher. Apparently my MIL talked about this with my SIL who was very antagonistic with me on the phone.....

.... In order to keep the peace, I feel like I can no longer share what we are doing w/ my MIL. My kids are brightish and I am proud of them. My SIL and I have never gotten along so I feel like my MIL is stirring the pot.

 

Personally, I would keep sharing the info with your MIL. If she's sharing it with your SIL, it's probably because she's proud of your kids. She's probably also telling her hairdresser, her best friend, the next door neighbors, and anyone else who will listen.

 

If the problem is your SIL, let it be her problem, not yours. If she has issues, there's nothing you can do about it, but keeping good news about your kids from your MIL isn't really fair to your MIL, is it?

 

I would think that you could improve your relationship with your MIL by keeping her updated on your kids, but keeping her out of the loop is only going to cause confusion and hurt feelings. It doesn't sound like she has done anything but pass some info along to your SIL; your SIL is going to have to learn to deal with it.

 

Honestly, if my SIL made such unpleasant comments to me, I wouldn't have been nearly as polite as you were, especially if it wasn't the first time she'd acted like that.

 

Cat

[greta_elisif]

But my pushing is more of a "come on, either quit goofing off or we're going to close the book" kind of thing.

 

Oh, this sounds so familiar! Inga begs for reading lessons in the afternoon or evening, and Latin lessons right before or sometimes instead of a bedtime story (which has to be something moralistic, like Heidi or A Little Princess, or really advanced like Flatland or The Færie Queene—I need an “amused” smiley-face to go here) and starts messing around about halfway through, so I say we’re going to have to stop the lesson if she doesn’t co-operate, which gets her upset. :)

[2smartones]

I say something like:

 

"Is your son reading"

 

"Yes. Some are born with a basketball in their hand, and some are born with a book in their hand. He just likes books, I guess. Everybody likes something."

[Crimson Wife]

I usually say something along the lines of reading being her strong suit and that she's all over the map in terms of what she can do. In some things she's way ahead but in others she's behind. I usually finish by saying that kids have their own individual timetables.

 

It's true and seems to work well in defusing the situation.

[HeidiD]

It is just so hard to realize that the kind of relationships I wanted with my inlaws is just not possible. Can anyone relate?

 

Yes. I've learned to "stay in the closet" when it comes to my kids' unusual intellects because simply sharing information can be mistaken for bragging. And I don't discuss homeschooling with in-laws, either, because the ones who have their kids in school think homeschooling is a weird thing to do and don't want to hear about it. In the past when I mentioned it, they would immediately change the subject. :tongue_smilie: