One more thing: culling & cleaning--

[Aubrey]

I know y'all are big on tossing what we don't need, esp in small spaces. What do you do when dh wants to hang on to stuff?

 

And I don't mean *his* stuff--that is all crammed in his closet, falling out onto the hs room floor.

 

I mean the dc's stuff. My stuff. He doesn't want me to get rid of *anything.*

 

Between the move & the dc & *life,* I need to clear stuff out. For my sanity. He says it's a compulsion. But the other night, when I wanted to throw out one of those sticker-picture-paint kits that dd5 completed over a yr ago, he was firm. She loves this. I could not possibly throw it out in good conscience. :w00t:

 

It's times like that, that I want to go get a job. :lol:

 

The only ideas I'm not open to are sneaky-getting-rid-of-stuff. I harbor a deep-seated fear of being treated the way I treat dh, so I try to play it safe & be nice. ;)

[newlifemom]

No real help here. Just :grouphug:. I have sooooo btdt. It is probably the one thing we argue about more than anything else. We have too.many.stuffed animals. Too many. I purged before our x-cnty trip, but couldn't get rid of any that family and close friends gave us, b/c of their perceived sentimental value. I am still working on this. Trying to give away toys they don't play with and let them go to a good home where they will be played with. As for art, I keep a few things and make dc part with them. (Don't want them to be like dh ;)) Why don't you take a picture of art to save for memories. Good luck.

[Macrina]

I'd call trump as the household organizer and be done with it. It's my jurisdiction, and around here, if we don't USE it, LOVE it or NEED it- it's gone.

 

trust me, I am an expert, we're spending 6 months in a 300 sq foot RV :)

[Ria]

You get rid of the stuff when he's not at home. Put it in a bag, and stuff it somewhere for a while. If a few weeks go by and he hasn't mentioned it, drop it in the nearest dumpster or bury it in your trashcan.

 

My dh is really strange about certain work shirts...they are old and worn out, but he won't part with them if I mention it. So, every now and then one doesn't make its way back upstairs from the laundry. He never misses it. I keep the shirts hidden for a few weeks, but if he doesn't mention them by then, they leave.

 

Ria

[Parrothead]

You get rid of the stuff when he's not at home. Put it in a bag, and stuff it somewhere for a while. If a few weeks go by and he hasn't mentioned it, drop it in the nearest dumpster or bury it in your trashcan.

 

My dh is really strange about certain work shirts...they are old and worn out, but he won't part with them if I mention it. So, every now and then one doesn't make its way back upstairs from the laundry. He never misses it. I keep the shirts hidden for a few weeks, but if he doesn't mention them by then, they leave.

 

Ria

:iagree: That is how I do it, except I don't bother to store it for a time in the future when he may as about it. We have been married 10 years and he has yet to ask about anything I've thrown away. And he knows I do this.

[Melinda in VT]

I know y'all are big on tossing what we don't need, esp in small spaces. What do you do when dh wants to hang on to stuff?

 

And I don't mean *his* stuff--that is all crammed in his closet, falling out onto the hs room floor.

 

I mean the dc's stuff. My stuff. He doesn't want me to get rid of *anything.*

 

Between the move & the dc & *life,* I need to clear stuff out. For my sanity. He says it's a compulsion. But the other night, when I wanted to throw out one of those sticker-picture-paint kits that dd5 completed over a yr ago, he was firm. She loves this. I could not possibly throw it out in good conscience. :w00t:

 

It's times like that, that I want to go get a job. :lol:

 

The only ideas I'm not open to are sneaky-getting-rid-of-stuff. I harbor a deep-seated fear of being treated the way I treat dh, so I try to play it safe & be nice. ;)

 

Make the discussion theoretical at first. Talk about why stuff needs to go in the first place. Do not be afraid to pull rank here. When the kids can't find a toy they want to play with, or a pair of matching shoes, or any clean underwear--who has to find it? Him or you? Do you dread putting laundry away or putting dishes away or filing paperwork because there is no room in the dressers/cupboards/filing cabinets? Then some stuff has to go.

 

Then, in my experience, it works best if I step back from the decision of *what* goes. I give my kids a box for drawings/papers/creations, for example, and they have total control over what gets saved, as long it all fits in the box.

[Aubrey]

Make the discussion theoretical at first. Talk about why stuff needs to go in the first place. Do not be afraid to pull rank here. When the kids can't find a toy they want to play with, or a pair of matching shoes, or any clean underwear--who has to find it? Him or you? Do you dread putting laundry away or putting dishes away or filing paperwork because there is no room in the dressers/cupboards/filing cabinets? Then some stuff has to go.

 

Then, in my experience, it works best if I step back from the decision of *what* goes. I give my kids a box for drawings/papers/creations, for example, and they have total control over what gets saved, as long it all fits in the box.

 

We've been doing that a lot lately. He's come as far as agreeing w/ me in theory. But when it comes to actual things, ea one is a long discussion. Or worse.

[Melinda in VT]

We've been doing that a lot lately. He's come as far as agreeing w/ me in theory. But when it comes to actual things, ea one is a long discussion. Or worse.

 

Well heck, if (a) he agrees with you in theory, and (b) it's not his stuff, I'd just toss it when he isn't around. (I don't consider this sneaky, given a and b.)

[snickelfritz]

At least for a while.

 

Beyond that, don't ask him. I don't consider that sneaky, ESPECIALLY since it's not his stuff you're throwing out. It's taking care of the household.

[Macrina]

You could use the "conflict card" when you come head to head over a certain item. You get to rate how very strongly you feel about a specific topic, or in this case, item. You could give him an allowance, like only 3 "tens" a week!

 

DH and I had actually cards once when we got married, someone gave them to us. We never really used them, but every once in awhile, if someone is really passionate about something and the other person is just not getting it, we'll say "do I need to go find a conflict card?!?" then we laugh and someone usually finds the compromise.

Rating the Depth of Your Disagreement

Use this scale to measure where you and your

spouse stand when a conflict heats up:

 

1. I’m not enthusiastic, but it’s no big deal to me.

2. I don’t see it the way you do, but I may be wrong.

3. I don’t agree, but I can live with it.

4. I don’t agree, but I’ll let you have your way.

5. I don’t agree and cannot remain silent on this.

6. I do not approve and I need more time.

7. I strongly disapprove and cannot go along with it.

8. I will be so seriously upset I can’t predict my reaction.

9. No possible way! If you do, I quit!

10. Over my dead body!

[Ellie]

If there's something he wants, then he can keep it. At his house. Put it in a bag and hand it off. The end.

[Reya]

He who cleans decides!

[Chris in VA]

I think it's nice that you don't want to cause conflict, and that you respect your husband--I've heard that's what many man crave.

 

If he agrees with you in theory, as was said, I'd continue to toss as you wish, unless he says to save something. Then I'd ask him what evidence he has that certain things mean a lot to the kids. I would not toss anything of his without his permission, but I would ask him to trust your judgment as the manager of your household. And, I'd check myself, to make sure there's not a grain of truth in what he says about you throwing out too many things.

[yvonne]

I understand your not wanting to be sneaky.

 

What if you just got rid of things that neither of you loved/wanted/needed without bothering him about it?

 

I know I feel like I can't throw out, well,.... I can't throw out pretty much anything, but, if my husband throws out things he knows I don't have some strong attachment to, I don't mind. In fact, it's something of a relief to be able to see the floor and the counter again! Catalogs, magazines, most of the countless pictures the children have made, toys the children don't really play with anymore (unless they're wooden or expensive), etc. I really do not mind if he takes it upon himself to get rid of those. But, if he asks me, "Do you still want x?" even if I know objectively that I don't want/need it, it's hard to get rid of. (What if...? Maybe .... would want it?.... Gads, I spent $xx on that, I will never in my life be able to get rid of it unless I find someone else to take it.... There was that one recipe in there, somewhere. I think it was in that one.... Yes, it's a plastic toy, but maybe it would be good for....)

 

I would bet that, if you asked your husband if he'd mind if you stashed the stuff you didn't think either of you or the kids would ever miss and then got rid of it after a month if nobody noticed it missing, he would be ok with that. It's nice to have a neat, uncluttered home!

 

Hopefully that made some sense!

 

yvonne

[Aubrey]

I think it's nice that you don't want to cause conflict, and that you respect your husband--I've heard that's what many man crave.

 

If he agrees with you in theory, as was said, I'd continue to toss as you wish, unless he says to save something. Then I'd ask him what evidence he has that certain things mean a lot to the kids. I would not toss anything of his without his permission, but I would ask him to trust your judgment as the manager of your household. And, I'd check myself, to make sure there's not a grain of truth in what he says about you throwing out too many things.

 

No, what really got me was when my neighbor came over to help me w/ the last bits & pieces of unpacking & *she* said *I* keep too much stuff!!!

[Aubrey]

I understand your not wanting to be sneaky.

 

What if you just got rid of things that neither of you loved/wanted/needed without bothering him about it?

 

I know I feel like I can't throw out, well,.... I can't throw out pretty much anything, but, if my husband throws out things he knows I don't have some strong attachment to, I don't mind. In fact, it's something of a relief to be able to see the floor and the counter again! Catalogs, magazines, most of the countless pictures the children have made, toys the children don't really play with anymore (unless they're wooden or expensive), etc. I really do not mind if he takes it upon himself to get rid of those. But, if he asks me, "Do you still want x?" even if I know objectively that I don't want/need it, it's hard to get rid of. (What if...? Maybe .... would want it?.... Gads, I spent $xx on that, I will never in my life be able to get rid of it unless I find someone else to take it.... There was that one recipe in there, somewhere. I think it was in that one.... Yes, it's a plastic toy, but maybe it would be good for....)

 

I would bet that, if you asked your husband if he'd mind if you stashed the stuff you didn't think either of you or the kids would ever miss and then got rid of it after a month if nobody noticed it missing, he would be ok with that. It's nice to have a neat, uncluttered home!

 

Hopefully that made some sense!

 

yvonne

 

I've suggested this. He says NO.

[Anne]

In your shoes, Aubrey, I would start boxing up everything you wish to cull. Just fill up the boxes. Stack them in his space, or in the garage, or outside.... Tell him something on the order of, okay, I'm willing to honor your wishes by keeping xyz, but it needs to relocate out of my everyday space, so I've boxed it until you decide where it's permanent home will be....

 

You have to be able to say it in a non-snarky manner.....

 

Anne

[Sebastian (a lady)]

You could use the "conflict card" when you come head to head over a certain item. You get to rate how very strongly you feel about a specific topic, or in this case, item. You could give him an allowance, like only 3 "tens" a week!

 

DH and I had actually cards once when we got married, someone gave them to us. We never really used them, but every once in awhile, if someone is really passionate about something and the other person is just not getting it, we'll say "do I need to go find a conflict card?!?" then we laugh and someone usually finds the compromise.

Rating the Depth of Your Disagreement

Use this scale to measure where you and your

spouse stand when a conflict heats up:

 

1. I’m not enthusiastic, but it’s no big deal to me.

2. I don’t see it the way you do, but I may be wrong.

3. I don’t agree, but I can live with it.

4. I don’t agree, but I’ll let you have your way.

5. I don’t agree and cannot remain silent on this.

6. I do not approve and I need more time.

7. I strongly disapprove and cannot go along with it.

8. I will be so seriously upset I can’t predict my reaction.

9. No possible way! If you do, I quit!

10. Over my dead body!

 

These cards sound facinating. My two older kids are hard for me to read. Or maybe they're too much like me for me to be able to not tread on their toes. For a while, we actually had a code word that meant something like, "You are hurting my feelings. I don't know how to say this but in a moment I'm going to blow up at you." I think that cards like this would help us to articulate our feelings with each other.

Was there something that went along with this like a book?

[Aubrey]

In your shoes, Aubrey, I would start boxing up everything you wish to cull. Just fill up the boxes. Stack them in his space, or in the garage, or outside.... Tell him something on the order of, okay, I'm willing to honor your wishes by keeping xyz, but it needs to relocate out of my everyday space, so I've boxed it until you decide where it's permanent home will be....

 

You have to be able to say it in a non-snarky manner.....

 

Anne

 

I like this. If only we had a garage...:lol:

[Reya]

I like this. If only we had a garage...:lol:

 

You can move it to the part of the house that he exercises control directly over, in day-to-day maintenance. That's what I mean by "he who cleans decides." If he wants to extend his control (and therefore responsibility), great! But if he want YOU to keep cleaning it and keep putting the NEW things that are constantly generated into it, you HAVE to be allowed to get rid of things!

[WTMCassandra]

You can move it to the part of the house that he exercises control directly over, in day-to-day maintenance. That's what I mean by "he who cleans decides." If he wants to extend his control (and therefore responsibility), great! But if he want YOU to keep cleaning it and keep putting the NEW things that are constantly generated into it, you HAVE to be allowed to get rid of things!

 

I agree with Reya.

 

I've actually been sort of steamed about this for a couple of hours. I believe it is patently unfair to expect you to be the one who "keeps" the house yet not have decision-making authority about the items in the space. I mean within reason, of course, but you're not talking about something outrageous.

 

OK, I'm going to quit now before I break my personal rule about not getting embroiled in threads that make me emotionally riled.:D

[Aubrey]

I agree with Reya.

 

I've actually been sort of steamed about this for a couple of hours. I believe it is patently unfair to expect you to be the one who "keeps" the house yet not have decision-making authority about the items in the space. I mean within reason, of course, but you're not talking about something outrageous.

 

OK, I'm going to quit now before I break my personal rule about not getting embroiled in threads that make me emotionally riled.:D

 

:grouphug: You don't know what it means to me to have someone "emotionally riled" on my behalf. That surely makes me a bad friend, but nonetheless, I'm smiling! :001_huh:

[Peela]

Dh is the same.

I am sneaky, so I have no suggestions :)

[CalicoKat]

I'd call trump as the household organizer and be done with it. It's my jurisdiction, and around here, if we don't USE it, LOVE it or NEED it- it's gone.

 

trust me, I am an expert, we're spending 6 months in a 300 sq foot RV :)

:iagree:....and he doesn't always need to know I (unless it's his) what's getting rehomed. Less fuss and circumstance if you just quietly head for the exit with a big black bag.

[FO4UR]

In your shoes, Aubrey, I would start boxing up everything you wish to cull. Just fill up the boxes. Stack them in his space, or in the garage, or outside.... Tell him something on the order of, okay, I'm willing to honor your wishes by keeping xyz, but it needs to relocate out of my everyday space, so I've boxed it until you decide where it's permanent home will be....

 

You have to be able to say it in a non-snarky manner.....

 

Anne

 

This is what I would do.

 

I like this. If only we had a garage...:lol:

 

:lol::grouphug:

[Macrina]

These cards sound facinating. My two older kids are hard for me to read. Or maybe they're too much like me for me to be able to not tread on their toes. For a while, we actually had a code word that meant something like, "You are hurting my feelings. I don't know how to say this but in a moment I'm going to blow up at you." I think that cards like this would help us to articulate our feelings with each other.

Was there something that went along with this like a book?

 

 

http://www.realrelationships.com/docs/conflictcard.pdf'>http://www.realrelationships.com/docs/conflictcard.pdf'>http://www.realrelationships.com/docs/conflictcard.pdf'>http://www.realrelationships.com/docs/conflictcard.pdf

 

http://www.realrelationships.com/

 

HTH!

[WTMCassandra]

:grouphug:You are very welcome.

[Tutor]

It sounds like your dh is hanging onto the emotions that those things brought at one time, the memories. I'd see if he'd be willing to have you take pictures of the items he feels you, the kids, or he are most attached to before getting rid of them. You can print the pictures and put them in an album that will take much less space. Maybe he could even make it a project with he and the kids and help them write little entries for each picture sharing the memories that each item brings. Those he really, really has problems letting go of, make a treasure box to keep them in. Anything that fits in the box can stay. We did treasure boxes with our kids (thier albums are also in those boxes), and I think they are a life saver when it comes to clutter!

[WTMindy]

You get rid of the stuff when he's not at home. Put it in a bag, and stuff it somewhere for a while. If a few weeks go by and he hasn't mentioned it, drop it in the nearest dumpster or bury it in your trashcan.

 

My dh is really strange about certain work shirts...they are old and worn out, but he won't part with them if I mention it. So, every now and then one doesn't make its way back upstairs from the laundry. He never misses it. I keep the shirts hidden for a few weeks, but if he doesn't mention them by then, they leave.

 

Ria

 

:iagree: Yup!!

 

I also give my kids a bin and tell them they can keep whatever they can fit into the bin so that the lid closes. When it starts to overflow, they can choose what they want to get rid of. You can determine the size of the bin! :-)

[MamaT]

I haven't read all the posts on this thread, but your dh sounds like mine. He is very sentimental. He has kept all of my dd's ballet shoes that she has outgrown since she was 3, AND all my dc's baby teeth. Gross, huh?

 

I wait until he's not home, and unless it's something ireally mportant to him I toss it. If I didn't, our house would be overflowing. Most of the time he doesn't even miss it. :001_smile:

[Once]

I'm not sure this will help but I have a daughter just like your hubbie. My solution, after many years of trying to convince, educate and cajol, was to let her live in it. Eventually, she could not find a thing and everything was bits and pieces of broken junk. She had help cleaning out every few months and noticed how much she enjoyed her space again.

 

This sounds like it would be difficult but it may work faster with your dh. Just quietly move his stufff over to his side of the bedroom each day and keep it piling up. Your dh might find that your side of the bedroom looks so much nicer than his that he starts to follow your patterns.

 

My sympathies go out to you. I hate it when our house is too full.

[AnnetteB]

What if you start a "Blessing Box?" Label a large cardboard box and enlist the family to add items to it that they have outgrown that could bless someone else. When the box is full take it to Goodwill and start another box. Likewise, they could start a "Recycle Box" with old magazines, books, paper, etc. that could be put out for paper recycling. I go through our house with an eye for what "blesses" and what "burdens" us and cull accordingly. We always have a bag or a box in the back of the van to donate and encourage the kids to part with items before birthdays and holidays to keep a "balance" in the house. Even then, their drawers and shelves overflow with plenty. I do hide dh's old work t's and wait a few weeks before they show up in the rag closet. He doesn't usually mind once the habit of wearing them has been broken. I have been burning our really old first readers as our youngest finishes reading them...they are too grubby to be a blessing to anyone and we've loved them too much to throw them in the trash. I'm the one having a little trouble letting those go. I hope that you find a peaceful solution.