Would you want to know if your 12 yo was an impolite dinner guest at someone's home?

[Ria]

What I find interesting in this thread is that there seems to be a distinct division between those who feel it's a hostess' responsibility to please a guest no matter what, and those who feel it's a guest's responsibility to be polite no matter what.

 

I fall on the side of the guest having responsibility to be polite. The kid at Colleen's house wasn't polite, quite frankly. I can't see any excuse for any child - and especially a child of that age - to behave so rudely as a guest at someone's home. The question about the lettuce isn't the dealbreaker for me, but the fanning, etc. sure would be. And no, I wouldn't let that pass at my table, no matter whose kid it was. I would have said something along the lines of, "If you are having trouble eating the soup, you may be excused."

 

I'm sure some kids have sensory issues, but it doesn't sound like this was the case. This sounds like flat-out rude behavior. Obviously, his mom suspected that he might act this way, given her comment to Colleen.

 

If a child can't be trusted to eat politely at home, he should just stay home. I hope Colleen will avoid having him over for a meal again. I know I would.

 

Ria

[HappyatHome]

I haven't read any replies. I would want to know, but I would only want to hear it from a close friend.

[Erica in PA]

What I find interesting in this thread is that there seems to be a distinct division between those who feel it's a hostess' responsibility to please a guest no matter what, and those who feel it's a guest's responsibility to be polite no matter what.

 

I fall on the side of the guest having responsibility to be polite. The kid at Colleen's house wasn't polite, quite frankly. I can't see any excuse for any child - and especially a child of that age - to behave so rudely as a guest at someone's home. The question about the lettuce isn't the dealbreaker for me, but the fanning, etc. sure would be. And no, I wouldn't let that pass at my table, no matter whose kid it was. I would have said something along the lines of, "If you are having trouble eating the soup, you may be excused."

 

I'm sure some kids have sensory issues, but it doesn't sound like this was the case. This sounds like flat-out rude behavior. Obviously, his mom suspected that he might act this way, given her comment to Colleen.

 

If a child can't be trusted to eat politely at home, he should just stay home. I hope Colleen will avoid having him over for a meal again. I know I would.

 

Ria

 

Yes, this is turning out to be like that "shoes in the house" conversation!! :tongue_smilie: As in that conversation, I guess I do fall more into the position that it is the host's responsibility to be hospitable, and try to make guests comfortable. "My house, my rules" always has seemed harsh to me, and not a motto that I would feel comfortable espousing myself (except in obvious cases that are moral or health issues.) I also think it's more the adult's responsibility to be polite than a child's, because they are still learning.

[MyThreeSons]

And she said she hoped he was polite here at dinner. Well, he wasn't, imo. At all. But does she genuinely want to hear that? Would you? And if I do mention it, what should I say?

 

You should have responded when she first made this comment.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

If a child can't be trusted to eat politely at home, he should just stay home. I hope Colleen will avoid having him over for a meal again. I know I would.

 

Ria

 

And I would hope that she (and I, if I'm in this position) can invite him over often and open a whole new world of possibility for him. Gently correct the drama, perhaps. Maybe with a little humor, or with a word to her older sons to sorta "coach" him beforehand.

 

I'm a believer that unless the kid is a true bad character influence on my child, being the human instrument of grace and salt and light in a child's life is a good, good thing. I'm certainly grateful that there were adults who looked past my amazing limitations (I couldn't cut meat with a knife before I was 15 -- didn't know how to hold the utensils) and my lack of verbal self-control (I meant well, just didn't have it all figured out yet) and loved me into their normal families anyway.

 

I lost one of my substitute parents this week. I'll never forget the love and genuine acceptance that family showered on me when I was not really worthy. And as I recall, one of their grown daughters gave me a talking to once about wasting food! I was 16 at the time. I'm glad they didn't just decide behind the scenes to quietly ban me or speak to my mother about my poor choices. And remembering back, I learned to cut meat properly with a sharp knife at their dinner table on a Sunday afternoon when I was 15.

 

Anyway, just another perspective.

[SnowWhite]

Is it just the phrase, "In our house we _________," that you object to, or do you dislike any direct request or correction of someone else's child?

 

 

I'm not the person you quoted, but personally, I would say, "Please don't jump on my couch." "Oh, no! Don't hit my dog, you will hurt him."

 

In the situation described, if the drama of the boy fanning his mouth and gulping his water was disturbing, I would say, "Please stop eating loudly, you're making it hard for the rest of us to eat."

 

This does not make statements about the boy or his family's rules, while still asserting my own request.

[bumbledeb]

What I find interesting in this thread is that there seems to be a distinct division between those who feel it's a hostess' responsibility to please a guest no matter what, and those who feel it's a guest's responsibility to be polite no matter what.

 

I fall on the side of the guest having responsibility to be polite.

 

Ria

 

I do not believe that the host has any greater responsibility to be polite than does the guest.

 

In my opinion, both guest and host should display good manners.

 

When either guest or host are impolite the other should continue to be as polite as possible and this would include not drawing attention to the bad manners of the other.

 

The only possible difference I would allow for the age of either guest or host would be to say that it would be all the more important for the adult to show good manners, taking into account the lack of experience of the child, and the possible advantage to the child of seeing a good example.

[WTMindy]

And I would hope that she (and I, if I'm in this position) can invite him over often and open a whole new world of possibility for him. Gently correct the drama, perhaps. Maybe with a little humor, or with a word to her older sons to sorta "coach" him beforehand.

 

I'm a believer that unless the kid is a true bad character influence on my child, being the human instrument of grace and salt and light in a child's life is a good, good thing. I'm certainly grateful that there were adults who looked past my amazing limitations (I couldn't cut meat with a knife before I was 15 -- didn't know how to hold the utensils) and my lack of verbal self-control (I meant well, just didn't have it all figured out yet) and loved me into their normal families anyway.

 

I lost one of my substitute parents this week. I'll never forget the love and genuine acceptance that family showered on me when I was not really worthy. And as I recall, one of their grown daughters gave me a talking to once about wasting food! I was 16 at the time. I'm glad they didn't just decide behind the scenes to quietly ban me or speak to my mother about my poor choices. And remembering back, I learned to cut meat properly with a sharp knife at their dinner table on a Sunday afternoon when I was 15.

 

Anyway, just another perspective.

 

Great post, Pam!

[MBM]

I'm a believer that unless the kid is a true bad character influence on my child, being the human instrument of grace and salt and light in a child's life is a good, good thing.

 

:iagree:

 

If you wrote a book, Pam, I'd have to read it. IMO, there is a lot of wisdom in what you say.

 

The way I look at situations like this is that they give me the opportunity to practice patience and understanding. I especially want to model that in front of my son.

[readwithem]

And I would hope that she (and I, if I'm in this position) can invite him over often and open a whole new world of possibility for him. Gently correct the drama, perhaps. Maybe with a little humor, or with a word to her older sons to sorta "coach" him beforehand.

 

I'm a believer that unless the kid is a true bad character influence on my child, being the human instrument of grace and salt and light in a child's life is a good, good thing. I'm certainly grateful that there were adults who looked past my amazing limitations (I couldn't cut meat with a knife before I was 15 -- didn't know how to hold the utensils) and my lack of verbal self-control (I meant well, just didn't have it all figured out yet) and loved me into their normal families anyway.

 

I lost one of my substitute parents this week. I'll never forget the love and genuine acceptance that family showered on me when I was not really worthy. And as I recall, one of their grown daughters gave me a talking to once about wasting food! I was 16 at the time. I'm glad they didn't just decide behind the scenes to quietly ban me or speak to my mother about my poor choices. And remembering back, I learned to cut meat properly with a sharp knife at their dinner table on a Sunday afternoon when I was 15.

 

Anyway, just another perspective.

 

 

This made me smile. I'm very grateful for the OLDER (not old,:glare:) children in my dd's life who love her unconditionally, speak the truth gently to her, and intentionally have developed a relationship with her outside of me. These women are truly living the gospel in my dd's life.

[Dooley]

OK, I cant even believe this thread is still going....

 

I tried to edit and put in a smilie...but cant

Edited March 5, 2009 by Dooley
smilies

[Alicia64]

I don't have time to read all the posts, but, as the mom of a picky eater, I would be incensed that my child would act like that at someone else's house. Or mine.

 

Being a picky eater doesn't mean you have a "get out of jail free" card to be rude.

 

If a mom asked me, I think I'd write her a kind email letting her know what happened. Yes, I'd want to know.

 

But if the mom didn't ask, then no, I wouldn't say anything and wouldn't have the boy over again.

 

Having said this, I find it odd to come across moms who clearly don't want to hear feedback about their kids. I don't get it.

 

Someone else probably already said this!

 

Alicia

[Jill- OK]

...it'd be unlikely that I'd send him back to the person's house again.

 

I can't really accurately judge tone, etc., just from your post (not saying you're misleading anyone, just that interpretations can differ), but what he said really wouldn't have offended me to the point that I'd mention his mother to him, at the table. Sometimes kids have melodrama moments about weird things, and aren't intending to be rude.

 

Like others have said, we'd probably joke with him about it, a little, and overlook it.

 

As for what I'd want, with my own kids...I know that even though I get good feedback about my kids' manners from folks, and I think they're fairly well-behaved...there's been a time or two when even the older ones have shocked me with some totally unexpected mannerism or comment, lol. One of those "Well, I guess we never covered *that*" type things, you know?

 

While my teenage son is not a rude kid, it wouldn't surprise me to know that he'd had some sort of brain misfire and said something that was interpreted as rude, even though he didn't mean it. I don't know whether or not that's what happened in your case, but if it *was* (and I'd lean that way, if I didn't know the kid well)...I'd shrug it off.

 

If someone told me about my normally-well-behaved boy having a brain f@rt during a dinner he wasn't familiar with (that's unlikely, since I can't think of much he wouldn't eat at someone else's home, lol), I'd appreciate the chance to correct him, and address that...but it's not likely I'd send him back. I'd know it was a misstep, in an otherwise good kid, but if it wasn't perceived as that by the hostess, or if I knew her standards didn't allow for missteps...I'd worry that he'd offend her again, and I'm just not eager to do that, *or* put my child in situations where he's likely to fall short of someone's expectations.

 

I know you've already said that you've decided not to say anything to her, and some of this may not even apply, if you know him well, and it's a pattern of behavior with him...but I thought I'd throw in two pennies anyway, lol.

[Miss Sherry]

I agree with the other poster that said if he comes again to eat to ask his mother to pack him a sandwich.

You really cannot change someone elses child's eating habits in just a couple of meals and it's not worth having any anxiety over. I'd just let it go and ask for the sandwich.

 

Yes, he was rude, in my opinion. Also, immature for an almost 13 year old. But there's not much you can do about it so try not to let it bother you. That's what I'd tell myself but I would have been a little annoyed too.

[Colleen]

What I find interesting in this thread is that there seems to be a distinct division between those who feel it's a hostess' responsibility to please a guest no matter what, and those who feel it's a guest's responsibility to be polite no matter what. I fall on the side of the guest having responsibility to be polite.

 

Both should be polite, of course, but I have to admit that I don't view a 12 year old who happens to be at my home during a meal in the same light as an adult whom I specifically asked to dinner. In this case, for example, this boy happened to come home with us after church. I didn't know ahead of time that he'd be here ~ although even if I had, I wouldn't have drastically changed my meal plans. Since he was here, and since I suspected he wouldn't be an adventurous eater, I made a point of not using "mixed greens" for the salad, and of keeping the soup simple (imo).

 

The fact that another child is around for a meal doesn't mean he needs to be catered to. Should he be forced to eat what doesn't appeal to him? No, of course not. But neither should I make something separate for him. I wouldn't do that for my own child and not for a minute would I expect anyone to do it for me, much less my child. The meal is what it is.

 

Now, if I specifically invite people over to a meal, that's somewhat different. I ask if they have any special dietary restrictions, and I usually run past them what I plan on making, e.g. "Does roast chicken sound good to you?"

 

Honestly, reading this thread, I'm led to wonder if there aren't a preponderance of picky eaters who frequent this board. I've never had an issue with food ~ from "plain" fare to that which strikes me as out-of-the-ordinary ~ served to me at someone else's home, and as far as I know, no one has had an issue with what I've served. There's an abundance of wonderful foods available to us in this world and I'm happy not to have narrow tastes ~ and that the people with whom I share meals don't have narrow tastes, either. Again, I'm not referring to people with special dietary needs, or those who prefer to avoid meat, etc. I'm talking here about people who refuse to break out of the box in terms of what they consume.

Edited March 5, 2009 by Colleen

[MBM]

Honestly, reading this thread, I'm led to wonder if there aren't a preponderance of picky eaters who frequent this board. I've never had an issue with food ~ from "plain" fare to that which strikes me as out-of-the-ordinary ~ served to me at someone else's home, and as far as I know, no one has had an issue with what I've served. There's an abundance of wonderful foods available to us in this world and I'm happy not to have narrow tastes ~ and that the people with whom I share meals don't have narrow tastes, either.

 

Ahem. I believe you admitted earlier you were not fond of hot and spicy food. ;)

[Colleen]

Ahem. I believe you admitted earlier you were not fond of hot and spicy food. ;)

 

Yes, We all have preferences; that's natural and I never said otherwise. I said I think it's a shame to eat in such a narrow fashion that one isn't willing to break outside the box. I would actually love it if I could tolerate more "hot spiciness" in my foods. I loved Cajun food while living in New Orleans, and enjoyed great Tex-Mex while living in Houston, but I couldn't fully go for the gusto, kwim?:)

[5kidsforME]

They should already know. Their parents should have made sure they knew this was bad manners before they ever let them be a guest in someone else's home. If the host corrects a guest's manners it is a clear indication that the host believes the guest's manners are lacking. To express this belief is bad manners on the part of the host, I believe.

 

 

 

.

 

Again, I completely disagree as already explained why I completely disagree. I think it is funny that you think the host (me) has bad manners when they ask kids not to jump on the couch! :lol: So a good host would just let them do it?? :lol::lol:

[MBM]

You will have to watch this boy as he grows up. He might end up being the one who eats really crazy things and is especially polite. (Or not!)

 

Btw, I have trouble with oatmeal. I've tried to eat a spoonful at least 100 times, but the texture just bothers me. Now, oatmeal cookies on the other hand... :D

[Ria]

Again, I completely disagree as already explained why I completely disagree. I think it is funny that you think the host (me) has bad manners when they ask kids not to jump on the couch! :lol: So a good host would just let them do it?? :lol::lol:

 

LOL. Do you know, I actually asked a woman (and her two children) to leave my house one time? The situation: she had 3-year old twins and had come over to visit with me and my 4-yr old twins. Her twins ransacked the basement playroom - ran hither and yon tipping over toy bins, throwing everything they could on the floor, etc. She made no move to correct them. I suggested that we go upstairs (we had a smaller play area) thinking that she'd be a little more involved....uh, no. This time the duo ran into my kitchen and began emptying (ie, throwing the contents) every kitchen drawer and cabinet that I had. At this point I politely asked her to contain her children and stop them from destroying the kitchen. Her response, to this day, baffles me. She said, "Oh, I can't do that. I don't believe in disciplining my children if we are not at home." I smiled and suggested that perhaps she go home then. She did. The bizarre thing is that she didn't seem annoyed or upset at all. In fact, she invited us over the next week. Need I say I politely declined?

 

Anyway, good host, bad host, whatever. I know my limits. In the case of the child eating at Colleen's, I would have been polite, but like Colleen said, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to find something else for him to eat. I won't do that for my own kids, either.

 

Ria

[5kidsforME]

LOL. Do you know, I actually asked a woman (and her two children) to leave my house one time? The situation: she had 3-year old twins and had come over to visit with me and my 4-yr old twins. Her twins ransacked the basement playroom - ran hither and yon tipping over toy bins, throwing everything they could on the floor, etc. She made no move to correct them. I suggested that we go upstairs (we had a smaller play area) thinking that she'd be a little more involved....uh, no. This time the duo ran into my kitchen and began emptying (ie, throwing the contents) every kitchen drawer and cabinet that I had. At this point I politely asked her to contain her children and stop them from destroying the kitchen. Her response, to this day, baffles me. She said, "Oh, I can't do that. I don't believe in disciplining my children if we are not at home." I smiled and suggested that perhaps she go home then. She did. The bizarre thing is that she didn't seem annoyed or upset at all. In fact, she invited us over the next week. Need I say I politely declined?

 

Anyway, good host, bad host, whatever. I know my limits. In the case of the child eating at Colleen's, I would have been polite, but like Colleen said, I wouldn't have gone out of my way to find something else for him to eat. I won't do that for my own kids, either.

 

Ria

 

Certain people on this board AHEM....would say you are a bad host. :lol:

 

Ironic that she doesn't discipline her children while they are at OTHER peoples houses?? :001_huh: I would have said "Oh so you are fine with them destroying other people houses but not your own? How convenient for you."

 

Un B lievable.

[MBM]

Jumping on the couch? Throwing toys hither and yon? Unfortunately, I can beat that. I cared for a friend's child who tinkled all over my son's bedroom and the inside of our car. (He was about five.) My friend was going through chemo, and her hubby was deployed to Iraq, so I got the unfortunate job of dealing with the Tinklator. (My solution was to make him clean it up.)

 

:ack2:

 

I like to believe I must have earned a spot in heaven after that.

[5kidsforME]

Jumping on the couch? Throwing toys hither and yon? Unfortunately, I can beat that. I cared for a friend's child who tinkled all over my son's bedroom and the inside of our car. (He was about five.) My friend was going through chemo, and her hubby was deployed to Iraq, so I got the unfortunate job of dealing with the Tinklator. (My solution was to make him clean it up.)

 

:ack2:

 

I like to believe I must have earned a spot in heaven after that.

 

A nother bad host on the boards today!! :lol: You should have let him tinkle all over. You wouldn't want him to think his parents are wrong for not telling him different. :tongue_smilie:

[Ria]

A nother bad host on the boards today!! :lol: You should have let him tinkle all over. You wouldn't want him to think his parents are wrong for not telling him different. :tongue_smilie:

 

:lol::lol::lol:

 

Ria

[Murphy101]

They should already know. Their parents should have made sure they knew this was bad manners before they ever let them be a guest in someone else's home. If the host corrects a guest's manners it is a clear indication that the host believes the guest's manners are lacking. To express this belief is bad manners on the part of the host, I believe.

 

I think that well-mannered people do not draw attention to the failings of others' manners.

 

 

Yes, they should have, but obviously didn't. And to be fair, my kids have done lots of things that I didn't think to say they shouldn't do. It just never occurred to me until they did it that they would think to do it. After all, I know not to pick my nose and eat it at the table, but I once had a 3yr old son decide easter brunch was the perfect time. He was quickly informed otherwise. I'd hope that if he was doing it when I wasn't around some kind mom would take a moment to set aside her own nausea to tell him not to do it.

 

I don't see how it's better manners on the part of a host to let someone continue on blissfully unaware and ignorant of their faux pax, when a simple sentence or two can set them straight. I don't think it draws attention to their failings. I think they can do that without assistance and it's mean to not correct a child and just leave them floundering clueless.

 

I had in mind an image of a younger child jumping on the sofa or hitting the dog.....

 

I certainly would agree that a 12 - 13 year old should know better than jump on the sofa or hit the dog. Just as an adult should. In fact I simply can't imagine a situation like that arising.

 

yes, but you are the one who gave the example.

I'm simply working with what you gave.;)

 

However, theoretically, if such a thing should happen, I would react in the same way as if an adult was behaving like that. I would not take it upon myself to correct their manners - that, I believe, would be bad manners on my part. If I didn't want my sofa jumped on or my dog hit I'd try to politely put a stop to the situation. Perhaps by suggesting an alternative fun activity. Like taking the dog for a walk or having a snack or something. As I say, I don't think this situation could arise. I'd most likely not invite the person back to my house.

 

See now I think that's just condensending. A 12 yr old or adult should not have to be distracted from their own bad mannered like a 2 yr old. I would make such suggestions with a toddler, not a 12 yr old and not an adult.

 

I think that there is no reason to treat a 12 - 13 year old guest with less good manners than an adult guest. Or indeed a guest of any other age. Our guests' manners are none of our business. It is up to people to inform themselves and their own children as to acceptable behaviour when in the homes of others.

 

Well what can I say? I disagree and I doubt we'll ever see eye to eye on it. Children (and 12 is a child) are not adults. They are still learning the ropes and boundaries and they are still expected to be under supervision of some sort. If they are under MY supervision, then yes I will inform them as to what is not permitted in MY home.

 

I'll even go so far as to say that if my 12 year old was jumping on furniture and being rude and the mother in charge not only didn't tell me, but didn't tell him to stop and that he was being rude - I'd not send my child over there without me again because I don't know that I'd trust the mom to properly supervise.

 

The only possible difference I would allow for the age of either guest or host would be to say that it would be all the more important for the adult to show good manners, taking into account the lack of experience of the child, and the possible advantage to the child of seeing a good example.

 

Again, I completely disagree as already explained why I completely disagree. I think it is funny that you think the host (me) has bad manners when they ask kids not to jump on the couch! :lol: So a good host would just let them do it?? :lol::lol:

 

I just don't get how it's better manners on the host's part to not instruct the children on what is expected of them. How is that a good example? A good example, would be kindly pointing out them where they are in error and then moving on. The only example I see them getting otherwise is that it's okay to be blissfuly ignorant of their offense to their host?:confused::001_huh:

 

I don't think anyone is suggesting that we beat the kids over the head with their youthful mistakes or make them feel like poo for not knowing better.

 

Of course they will make mistakes and not know all these things yet.

 

That's what adults are supposed to be around for - to correct and instruct!

[bumbledeb]

Again, I completely disagree as already explained why I completely disagree. I think it is funny that you think the host (me) has bad manners when they ask kids not to jump on the couch! :lol: So a good host would just let them do it?? :lol::lol:

 

Well, as I said, I had a picture of small children jumping on the sofa - I don't think it would be an issue with an older child. I personally don't mind if small children jump on the sofa - especially if they are visitors and will be leaving soon :lol: so I'm trying to imagine some other thing they could be doing that I WOULD mind.

 

The point I keep getting hung up on is that manners are manners regardless of age and that it is bad manners to point out some other person's bad manners.

 

I'm not necessarily saying a good host would 'just let them do it', but that a good host would find a way to handle the situation without humiliating the guest or making the guest feel ashamed.

[Ria]

I personally don't mind if small children jump on the sofa - especially if they are visitors and will be leaving soon so I'm trying to imagine some other thing they could be doing that I WOULD mind.

 

 

 

To each his own. There's no way I'd let any child jump on any of my furniture.. Ever. Guest or resident child. I expect that children in my house will obey the house rules. If they don't know the rules, I will politely help them learn how things are done in my house.

 

Ria

[bumbledeb]

To each his own. There's no way I'd let any child jump on any of my furniture.. Ever. Guest or resident child. I expect that children in my house will obey the house rules. If they don't know the rules, I will politely help them learn how things are done in my house.

 

Ria

 

Just so you know, although I'm fine with it in my own house, my children, even the youngest, are well aware that it is NOT good manners to jump on other people's furniture. And as far as I know they never, ever have. If they did, I wouldn't be deeply offended or anything if their host reminded them of their manners. It's not an issue that I have terribly strong feelings about. But I would never want to make a guest feel embarrassed in my home.

[bumbledeb]

That's what adults are supposed to be around for - to correct and instruct!

 

I completely agree with you, but I'd substitute the word 'parents' for 'adults'.:)

[Ria]

Just so you know, although I'm fine with it in my own house, my children, even the youngest, are well aware that it is NOT good manners to jump on other people's furniture. And as far as I know they never, ever have. If they did, I wouldn't be deeply offended or anything if their host reminded them of their manners. It's not an issue that I have terribly strong feelings about. But I would never want to make a guest feel embarrassed in my home.

 

I don't want to embarrass anyone, either. One can ask someone to stop doing something without causing embarrassment, you know. Just think of the mixed message one could give their children if their own kids had rules but visiting kids were allowed to do whatever they liked.

 

As an additional example of needing to correct a guest: we have an inground pool. We have certain rules pertaining to the pool. I always go over those rules with kids who come to swim, but sometime kids ignore or disobey our rules. I simply cannot and will not allow those rules to be broken - they are for the children's safety. So, I always talk to the child if I see them do something that is not allowed, and have, on occasion, made a child leave the pool for continued infractions (ie, dunking, pushing, etc). If that child is embarrassed, well, that's not my fault at all. I began by explaining the rules nicely.

 

Ria

[MBM]

A nother bad host on the boards today!! :lol: You should have let him tinkle all over. You wouldn't want him to think his parents are wrong for not telling him different. :tongue_smilie:

 

He did tinkle all over! LOL. I think the only thing that prevented him from further destruction was that he ran out of ammunition.

 

Btw, he and my son were playing oh so quietly while this was happening. Beware when they're quiet!

[5kidsforME]

Just so you know, although I'm fine with it in my own house, my children, even the youngest, are well aware that it is NOT good manners to jump on other people's furniture. And as far as I know they never, ever have. If they did, I wouldn't be deeply offended or anything if their host reminded them of their manners. It's not an issue that I have terribly strong feelings about. But I would never want to make a guest feel embarrassed in my home.

 

 

This bolded part contradicts all your previous statements in this thread.

 

I know from past parenting threads you and I have totally different Points of view on parenting in general. This one takes the cake IMO. :D

[Murphy101]

He did tinkle all over! LOL. I think the only thing that prevented him from further destruction was that he ran out of ammunition.

 

Btw, he and my son were playing oh so quietly while this was happening. Beware when they're quiet!

 

:lol: yep. quiet boys full of ammo never ends well does it?:lol:

[bumbledeb]

I don't want to embarrass anyone, either. One can ask someone to stop doing something without causing embarrassment, you know. Just think of the mixed message one could give their children if their own kids had rules but visiting kids were allowed to do whatever they liked.

 

As an additional example of needing to correct a guest: we have an inground pool. We have certain rules pertaining to the pool. I always go over those rules with kids who come to swim, but sometime kids ignore or disobey our rules. I simply cannot and will not allow those rules to be broken - they are for the children's safety. So, I always talk to the child if I see them do something that is not allowed, and have, on occasion, made a child leave the pool for continued infractions (ie, dunking, pushing, etc). If that child is embarrassed, well, that's not my fault at all. I began by explaining the rules nicely.

 

Ria

 

I think, (in fact I know because we've discussed it) that my children understand that different families have different standards and that just because other children don't always show the same good manners that my children do that doesn't make bad manners OK. There is no mixed message. They are also learning how to be polite hosts.

 

The pool example is something different from manners though. The safety of a visiting child IS your responsibility (though their manners are not, in my opinion).

[bumbledeb]

This bolded part contradicts all your previous statements in this thread.

 

I know from past parenting threads you and I have totally different Points of view on parenting in general. This one takes the cake IMO. :D

 

I don't think I do have terribly strong opinions on this particular matter, but I do have opinions. I meant to say that I would not be up in arms if another adult corrected the manners of one of my children. I would not confront the parent or anything. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I didn't think this thread was about parenting. It is about manners. I think most of what I have said would apply in a situation where it was an adult guest displaying an ignorance of good manners.

 

I do believe children should be taught good manners. By their parents.

[Ria]

The pool example is something different from manners though. The safety of a visiting child IS your responsibility (though their manners are not, in my opinion).

 

How is correcting a child who is jumping on the sofa any different? That child could fall off and get hurt, thus the reason for my rule about not jumping on the furniture. Now, it probably does cross over into manners, but, believe it or not, most of the rules we have in this house of five sons are based on safety issues (no running, no throwing, no climbing on roof, no shooting bb guns into bowls of soup (don't ask), etc).

 

Now, I wouldn't ask a visiting child to use the proper fork, lol. But I sure might ask him to use a napkin if his face was covered in food which was likely to get smeared somewhere in my house. And, in a situation like the OP experienced, if a child was making a scene at my dinner table, I'd say something if the demonstration was enough to draw attention to the eater.

 

Ria

[5kidsforME]

I don't think I do have terribly strong opinions on this particular matter, but I do have opinions. I meant to say that I would not be up in arms if another adult corrected the manners of one of my children. I would not confront the parent or anything. I wouldn't lose sleep over it. I didn't think this thread was about parenting. It is about manners. I think most of what I have said would apply in a situation where it was an adult guest displaying an ignorance of good manners.

 

I do believe children should be taught good manners. By their parents.

 

So when (IYO) said children are not displaying good manners in a persons home that person (host) should just deal with it...if they ask politely that the child stop the bad behavior the host is then a bad host?

 

So in your opinion a child is NEVER wrong only the adults around them?

 

Am i getting this right? :001_huh:

[bumbledeb]

So when (IYO) said children are not displaying good manners in a persons home that person (host) should just deal with it...if they ask politely that the child stop the bad behavior the host is then a bad host?

 

So in your opinion a child is NEVER wrong only the adults around them?

 

Am i getting this right? :001_huh:

 

No.

 

I fully acknowledge that the child should not behave this way. The child's behaviour was wrong, ill-mannered. Children (and other people) are often wrong. The child should have been instructed as to what are or are not acceptable manners, by his parents.

 

My point is, again, that it is the child's parents' duty to carry out this instruction.

 

A child displaying bad manners in one's home should be treated (I think) in the same way that an adult displaying bad manners should be treated. Sticking to issues of manners only and not potentially dangerous or destructive behaviour (for the sake of this particular discussion), children should be shown the same manners by their host as adult guests should be. That would, in my opinion, include NOT drawing attention to the failure of their own manners.

 

I believe that when a person shows that they are ignorant of certain points of good manners, the polite thing to do is to pretend you didn't notice. Age has nothing to do with the matter.

[5kidsforME]

No.

 

I fully acknowledge that the child should not behave this way. The child's behaviour was wrong, ill-mannered. Children (and other people) are often wrong. The child should have been instructed as to what are or are not acceptable manners, by his parents.

 

My point is, again, that it is the child's parents' duty to carry out this instruction.

 

A child displaying bad manners in one's home should be treated (I think) in the same way that an adult displaying bad manners should be treated. Sticking to issues of manners only and not potentially dangerous or destructive behaviour (for the sake of this particular discussion), children should be shown the same manners by their host as adult guests should be. That would, in my opinion, include NOT drawing attention to the failure of their own manners.

 

I believe that when a person shows that they are ignorant of certain points of good manners, the polite thing to do is to pretend you didn't notice. Age has nothing to do with the matter.

 

See again, I disagree.

 

With a child: If a child comes to my home and starts jumping on the couch I would ususally say somthing along these lines "You goof ball, we don't jump on the couches here, we are Boooooo-ring", while laughing. Or "Hey silly willy, we don't jump on our couches here, okay?" All the while smiling to let them know I am not upset with them. FTR I am not thinking this child is naughty nor do I think the parents haven't already taught him not to do this. There is no judgment. I just think its a child being a child.

 

With an adult: First if they are jumping on my couch I would look at them incredulously and say something along the lines of "Are you serious?? Get off the couch!." Judgement? Absolutely. If they were acting out in a physical way, I would definately say something. If they said something inappropriate it just depends. I have had people that worked on my house around and when they cursed I called them on it. Something along the line of "Little people in the house, please don't use that kind of language."

 

SO again, I disagree with the bolded. I don't have any tolerance with adults acting out compared to a child.

[Ria]

See again, I disagree.

 

With a child: If a child comes to my home and starts jumping on the couch I would ususally say somthing along these lines "You goof ball, we don't jump on the couches here, we are Boooooo-ring", while laughing. Or "Hey silly willy, we don't jump on our couches here, okay?" All the while smiling to let them know I am not upset with them. FTR I am not thinking this child is naughty nor do I think the parents haven't already taught him not to do this. There is no judgment. I just think its a child being a child.

 

With an adult: First if they are jumping on my couch I would look at them incredulously and say something along the lines of "Are you serious?? Get off the couch!." Judgement? Absolutely. If they were acting out in a physical way, I would definately say something. If they said something inappropriate it just depends. I have had people that worked on my house around and when they cursed I called them on it. Something along the line of "Little people in the house, please don't use that kind of language."

 

SO again, I disagree with the bolded. I don't have any tolerance with adults acting out compared to a child.

 

 

LOL. This just begs for another thread...

 

Ria

[5kidsforME]

LOL. This just begs for another thread...

 

Ria

 

 

What, that since I don't let adults act any way they want in my home I am a bad host AGAIN?? :tongue_smilie:

[Ria]

What, that since I don't let adults act any way they want in my home I am a bad host AGAIN?? :tongue_smilie:

 

OH. MY. WORD.

 

I must tell you the sponge story. But right now I am going to eat. I simply cannot tell that story prior to food. Look for another thread...

 

Ria

[5kidsforME]

OH. MY. WORD.

 

I must tell you the sponge story. But right now I am going to eat. I simply cannot tell that story prior to food. Look for another thread...

 

Ria

 

O, you've piqued my curiousity...:bigear:

[Amy loves Bud]

No.

 

I fully acknowledge that the child should not behave this way. The child's behaviour was wrong, ill-mannered. Children (and other people) are often wrong. The child should have been instructed as to what are or are not acceptable manners, by his parents.

 

My point is, again, that it is the child's parents' duty to carry out this instruction.

 

A child displaying bad manners in one's home should be treated (I think) in the same way that an adult displaying bad manners should be treated. Sticking to issues of manners only and not potentially dangerous or destructive behaviour (for the sake of this particular discussion), children should be shown the same manners by their host as adult guests should be. That would, in my opinion, include NOT drawing attention to the failure of their own manners.

 

I believe that when a person shows that they are ignorant of certain points of good manners, the polite thing to do is to pretend you didn't notice. Age has nothing to do with the matter.

 

 

Well, when I allow my children to go to another person's house when I am not there, the adults there have been given authority over my child in my absence. And I fully expect them to correct my child should it be necessary because something is either bad manners or simply against their house rules.

 

And I feel the same way when a child is entrusted to my care.

 

Which is one of the many reasons I don't allow my children to play at the homes of people that we don't either know well or see eye to eye with.

 

In this specific case, I have a hunch that this behavior is okay at home. Colleen has done the young man a favor, and we can hope that he will realize that not everyone thinks it's okay to act this way. Like possible employers or the like.

[gardening momma]

Long thread. I don't have time right now to read the whole thing, just the first page. From your initial post, it doesn't seem to me that he behaved terribly. He was just unfamiliar to the food. It doesn't sound rude, unless he had an attitude that you left out of your post.

 

I never had any lettuce other than iceberg when I was a kid. And we never had soup and salad for a meal, either. I'm not sure if we ever had soup for a meal.

[Barb_]

Well, when I allow my children to go to another person's house when I am not there, the adults there have been given authority over my child in my absence. And I fully expect them to correct my child should it be necessary because something is either bad manners or simply against their house rules.

 

And I feel the same way when a child is entrusted to my care.

 

Which is one of the many reasons I don't allow my children to play at the homes of people that we don't either know well or see eye to eye with.

 

In this specific case, I have a hunch that this behavior is okay at home. Colleen has done the young man a favor, and we can hope that he will realize that not everyone thinks it's okay to act this way. Like possible employers or the like.

 

Here, here! I have been wanting to post something along these lines but my arms have been full of sad, teething baby all day. At school, church, scouts, sports, or other organized activity, one expects the adult in charge to act in the place of parents. Bad manners or rude behavior is rightfully addressed as it arises. Any time there is an adult present, particuarly when the parents are not, he or she has the responsibility to address bad behavior or risk being perceived as condoning the behavior. Why wouldn't this apply when a child is visiting?

 

When my kids have friends over, I don't see these kids as my guests. They are my kids' guests. I am feeding and entertaining the kids on my dime as a favor to my child. While I can be fun and warm with kids I enjoy, I don't feel compelled to put up with nonsense I wouldn't tolerate from my own kids. I would also hope that my friends would correct my own kids if the situation warranted it.

 

Barb

[Lovedtodeath]

My first reaction was NO. I would not want you to tell me. I am sure that I could probably catch this behavior in another way.

 

If she asks then give her a run-down of the facts with absolutely no opinion of his manners, KWIM?

 

And while he was fanning himself, did you ask him why? Was there a lot of garlic and onions in the soup maybe?

[Pretty in Pink]

I'm not going to wade through 21 pages of replies but I did read both the first and last pages. As several others have already stated those foods are not really typical fare for many children these days. Red leaf lettuce? My mom only ever served iceberg with either ranch or thousand island. White bean soup? We only ever had Campbell's soup from a can and that was for lunch. Wheat rolls? As if! Just those doughy white dinner rolls that come 12 to a pack for us, thank you very much.

 

My own children, on the other hand, routinely eat the foods you served and would have loved your meal. I'm sorry your guest didn't enjoy your food. I know how annoying that is.

 

Reminds me of something that happened to my son recently. He spent the night at a friend's house and his mother served "Raw Lasagna." My ds politely sampled a small bite and then heaped his plate with salad!

[FlockOfSillies]

My point is, again, that it is the child's parents' duty to carry out this instruction.

 

And if I never hear about it from the dinner host, how am I to be expected to carry out such instruction?

 

This is precisely why I would want to be informed of my child's rudeness in such a situation. Frankly, I think it would do my child a world of good to find out, on the spot, that his behavior was rude. Then he'd have the opportunity to apologize to the host right away.

[FlockOfSillies]

While I can be fun and warm with kids I enjoy, I don't feel compelled to put up with nonsense I wouldn't tolerate from my own kids. I would also hope that my friends would correct my own kids if the situation warranted it.

 

Barb

 

:iagree: The people to whose houses I'd send my kids for dinner are people I trust to come alongside me as I raise my kids. I can't fix what I don't know about.