BellaMama Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I would appreciate some advice about my DD6 behaviour. While she has many wonderful qualities, I am struggling with her habit of insisting on being first/winning. Board games are a disaster as she sabotages the game when she sees someone else is ahead, Legos apparently all belong to her, etc. She is a very smart little girl, again waaay top of her class, with minimal effort. Our point of friction these days is getting dressed to go outside. While getting dressed rapidly is great, DS4 would also like a turn being first (although he's much more layed back). I think it is important for her to come in second graciously and for my little guy to sometimes be first. If by any chance he is ahead of her she throws a tantrum, her world comes crashing down and it is all blamed on me. It is so obnoxious and I am weary and well, angry... All advice, brutal or gentle, is appreciated! TIA, Isabelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Is she your first? Totally normal and they mostly do grow out of it. I've seen it so many times with kids this age. One thing I can suggest is to have them dress at separate times and/or in separate rooms. Have one dress before breakfast and the other after breakfast, for example. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Plucky Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 Don't react emotionally to her hysterics. This is totally normal. Play games just you and her. Let her win 2 out of 3 times. Don't react. Give consequences for bad behavior and eventually she'll get it. Really she will. Don't let it get to you and she'll get it even faster. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AnnetteB Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I would not ignore it, but try to teach her how to share and behave graciously. I was unaware that my niece "had to win" and that at home they always let her. My sil sat silently by and watched four of us play a friendly board game. I was unfortunate enough to win that day. My niece ran from the table in a huff crying. I actually apologized for winning, but she hasn't spoken to me in 8 years. I would never have played a game with her if I had known what would follow. She is a doctor now, married and all grown-up, but she still has to be first and win at everything. It isn't healthy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaMama Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Thank you. Yes, she is my first ! I've tried speaking to her about it at a separate time and she agreed to letting DS4 get a turn being first with a smile and a wink ( since the whole scenario is staged anyway), but when came the time, she hurried as much as she could all the while assuring me she couldn't help herself for being fast...or she hides. It's for snowsuits by the way. I agree about consequences, although I wish I could speak to her heart to change some behaviours without having to use the ol' "stick/carrot" approach. I end up punishing her sooo much more than DS4. Thank you for your perspective. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris in VA Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 I don't play in to that. The first time, ok, I may go to the child and say something like, "Wow, winning seems (or being first seems) very, very important to you. I can tell by your face how upset you are. Let's talk about that." I'd listen a bit, identify with the strong feelings, but not accept rude or tantrum behaviour. Second time and subsequent--off child goes to room. Consequences ramp up after that. I might even (gasp!) spank. But ymmv. There's a fine line for me between allowing kids to have strong feelings, and allowing them to act on those feelings in a way that is detrimental to others in the family (or elsewhere). I always acknowledge their right to the feeling, but also stress our rights to be treated with kindness, not rudeness. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ElizabethB Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 A book I read (?One of Sally Clarksons maybe?) suggested that whoever says "me first" has to go last! You could do variations of this--reward the last person dressed, penalties for saying "I won" or "I'm first." (Last to go outside? Last to get a turn on something at the park?) Maybe a small reward for her if she helps her brother get dressed and he get dressed first? My daughter is the opposite. She'll try to lose on purpose or give me or her brother all her money to keep the game going longer. She also says, "I don't care if I win or lose, I just like to play." My husband and I are both 1st children and fairly competitive, so her behavior is a shock to us, although we think it is a good attitude. She does push herself to excellence in other areas and is a bit of a perfectionist, so it's not for lack of drive overall. (She does have other issues, don't worry! There's always something.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RebeccaS Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 A book I read (?One of Sally Clarksons maybe?) suggested that whoever says "me first" has to go last! I have used variations of this. "Me first" gets you last place. Pushing to get out of the van first nets you last place. Depending on the nature of the infraction, it can even net the kiddos a spank. For board games and such I will not play for x amount of weeks if there is bad behavior in losing or winning. I do not tolerate a gloating winner either. My oldest was pretty bad about being first. These have worked for us. YMMV Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 ...I actually apologized for winning, but she hasn't spoken to me in 8 years. ... No, seriously? "Not healthy" is an understatement. I agree with the advice that demands to be first win a definite last place. We have that rule in place for demands about what color plate they'll have (obviously, Fiesta ware was not a good decision on our part), what chair they'll sit in, etc. Nobody goes out to play until everybody is dressed and has their shoes on. If there is pushing, the pusher gets glued to me for a period of time, while the others play... that sort of thing. I would also suggest cooperative games, where she has to work with other players so that they all finish. (Our favorites are Wildcraft! and Caves & Claws) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Amanda's Mommy Posted February 18, 2009 Share Posted February 18, 2009 This book has helped my 6yo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
In The Great White North Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Could I recommend sports? I know six years old is young for most sports, but winning and losing graciously is a goal for sports, especially for younger competitors. Good sportsmanship is talked about frequently and they get plenty of opportunities to practice it. I would be sure to pick a sport where excelling is obviously (to a six year old) based on work, so she can't say it's someone else's fault. Not something where she could say "so and so won because the coach likes her better and lets her play more." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
joannqn Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I think it needs to be treated like any other discipline issue...firmly and with consistency. My middle child had a hard time not winning at board games. We talked a lot about not needing to win every time and about enjoying the game rather than the outcome. When push came to shove though, we didn't put up with fits and tears over not being first. Time outs and not being allowed to play with the rest of us were consequences. We play games in which everyone has a fair chance at winning and games where age and experience play a part in who wins. When he wins, we point it out. "Look you won but we aren't crying about it. Want to play again?" In the games that require more strategy, the kids lose until they get better enough to compete. We never lose on purpose. It helps that I can honestly tell my kids that my husband and I have been playing Scrabble together for 11 years and, in all that time, I've only won twice. We can chose to either play nicely or to not play at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ria Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 You realize that the behavior is not healthy. Speak to her. So she cries and carries on. You are the adult. Chris in Va had excellent advice. Explain the rules in your house, and move on. Enforce as needed. No guilt necessary...this is part of raising a healthy person: self is not always paramount. Ria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mom0012 Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I haven't read the other posts, but I really think this is a phase a lot of kids go through. Mine sure did. I just continually reinforced that it was okay not to be first and that other people like to have a turn being first as well. A few years ago, my son would be so upset over losing a game, I didn't even want him to play them. Now, it's just no big deal. Lisa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FriedClams Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I don't play in to that. The first time, ok, I may go to the child and say something like, "Wow, winning seems (or being first seems) very, very important to you. I can tell by your face how upset you are. Let's talk about that." I'd listen a bit, identify with the strong feelings, but not accept rude or tantrum behaviour. Second time and subsequent--off child goes to room. Consequences ramp up after that. I might even (gasp!) spank. But ymmv. There's a fine line for me between allowing kids to have strong feelings, and allowing them to act on those feelings in a way that is detrimental to others in the family (or elsewhere). I always acknowledge their right to the feeling, but also stress our rights to be treated with kindness, not rudeness. I totally agree. This is a serious heart issue - I would define it as one of selfishness - and it needs to be dealt with. I would react the same way - one chance. Then the child is removed from the game while everyone else continues to play peacefully. When the child learns to behave - they may rejoin the family. I would not allow that child the chance to go "first" for a long time. It's time to train "the last shall be first" and having an attitude of service and thinking of others first. I totally applaud you for your desire to help your DD learn how to behave. This is a tough one - and you are doing her such a service by helping her learn. Hang in there mom - you rock! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snickerdoodle Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 Like I said before I think it's a phase that many kids go through. Just like I wouldn't call a two year old who knocked down another 2 year old a bully, I don't think this behavior in a very young child is necessarily about selfishness. I think for some kids getting a greater sense of autonomy makes them aware of inequalities between themselves and others. I think for them it's a period of comparing themselves and seeing how they measure up and fit in with others around them. Of course, I'm sure there's anecdotal evidence to prove otherwise. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiana Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 My parents had this experience with me -- the consequence they implemented was that every time anyone scored, everyone else had to congratulate them. For example, when we were playing Memory, if anyone got a match, everyone else had to say "Oh, good! You got a match!" Sometimes it was spluttered through tears, but it was said every time or the game ended. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 I think playing politely, winning and losing well are needed for family function. Some kids require greater coaching and training in this area. Some require very firm lines. I suspect your dd requires much coaching *and* firm lines. If it were my child (and I've had one like this), I'd make sure this child was 2nd or later for a while. And I'd give a "one chance" to play a game pleasantly. If my child blew it with a bad sportspersonship behavior, their participation in the game ends. Tantrums over related issues = loss of play privileges and additional being last/not first situations. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BellaMama Posted February 19, 2009 Author Share Posted February 19, 2009 Lot's of food for thought. Thank you so much! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KJB Posted February 19, 2009 Share Posted February 19, 2009 With my 5 and 3 year olds I have them work cooperatively to "beat the clock" when we have to go somewhere. So, in the case of your example, your dd wouldn't "win" unless your ds was ready to go outside too. Once she hurried and got dressed she'd have to help him so they could both "win". In other words, have her compete cooperatively so they can win together. Declare they both won because they beat the clock. You can use this for anything. When they get in the car you can time how long it takes for them both to get on seatbelts. Then they can try to beat their old record. Make her "win" dependent upon her brother's win. After all, you're the ultimate judge. You get to call who's a winner. Another idea: Have an ongoing kindness competition. Explain that you've decided to give a special treat for whoever is kindest. Let whoever ends up second all the time "win" a treat for being second and kindly allowing the other person to be first. Do this frequently enough at first to make being polite a well rewarded state of being. Then back off the frequency, but still reward occasionally for whoever lets the other person go first. Good Luck! I agree that this is a stage and will pass eventually. Better to work with the stage than fight it, imo. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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