At what age did you "teach" your daughter's the birds & the bees as well as puberty?

[Kate in VA]

I know each child is different. however my dd doesn't show any interest in this subject at all! However I just know that a friend will mention it first and it will hit me when I least expect it.... Just wondering around what age did this become an "issue" (for a lack of a better word) in your home.....

 

Are there any books that you could recommend? Was you dh present at the time or did that make it uncomfortable on your dd? Don't think my dd would mind but me dh might freak out !:p

 

What are your thought? Should I be ready for this? I am so lost..... :eek:

Kate

[Jean in Newcastle]

In our house my dd6 already knows about menstration ("why do you wear diapers sometimes, Mommy?"). She knows very basically about how babies grow and where they come out. She knows that babies (of most species - not just human) need an egg and sperm to be made. These are all things that just came up in science or life. She knows some of the changes that happen to boys and girls at puberty.

 

My ds10 knows more than this. (He read through my dh's Anatomy and Phyiology book - dh is a RN). He finds some of the talk embarrassing at times (but still feels free to ask me all sorts of questions). One day I had to explain "condoms" and "tampons" within 10 min.! (The dangers of letting him read Time magazine!) But we are going to specifically go over a book on puberty. Just so we hit all the bases.

[Whisperlily]

My DD and I had a more in-depth conversation about sex just a few days ago (she's nearing 11), but it wasn't so much a "talk" as much as the next step in our ongoing conversation about life and growing up.

 

My DH is very uncomfortable talking about these things, so having him there would have been uncomfortable for both her and I.

 

I firmly believe in giving them age-appropriate information in a steady trickle rather than have them flooded in facts and information. This particular conversation was prefaced by a conversation with ALL the kids in the car (DD, DS almost 8, DS almost 6 and DD, 2). We were talking about how and why bodies change to prepare for adulthood and the "chemicals" in our bodies called hormones, and what they do. I wasn't shy about mentioning that as we prepare for adulthood, our bodies are preparing for the ability to make babies as adults. We didn't talk about *sex* that day, just growing up, body changes, growth, hair, and how a child's body goes through the change to become an adult. We talked about the differences between adult bodies and children's bodies, and how teenagers were in between.

 

It was actually a fascinating, very comfortable conversation. I will often ask them pointed, or starter questions... in the case of that last conversation... why do you think men have to shave their faces and women don't? (Intro to Testosterone/Estrogen conversation).

 

Also, more specifically, I felt it was important that DD become comfortable with the idea and fact of menstruation with plenty of time *before* she has to deal with it. The menstruation talk came long before the more in-depth *how sex works* talk.

[katilac]

I second Whisperlily: they need a steady trickle of information, not one or two big 'talks.'

 

We answer all questions, and I bring things up when I think they really ought to know (but haven't asked). For example, I would start telling a girl about menstruation starting at 7 or so, if it somehow didn't come up from her seeing commercials or stuff around the house.

 

I have definitely found that the info needs to be repeated - - my kids have made inaccurate comments about things that have been explained to them. Once is rarely enough!

 

In addition to casual conversations that they or I start, I make sure to address various things as part of science class. It makes it more matter-of-fact, just one more thing to learn about.

 

My girls are 7 & 9. So far, I have chosen to NOT hand them books like "What's Happening to My Body?" to read alone. These books tend to cover a lot of ground - - the details on development, etc are great, but they also usually cover lots of 'extras' like body image, eating disorders, dating, and so forth. If you have a child who isn't comfortable bringing things up or asking questions in this area, you might need to do this (but I'd still pre-read).

[beansprouts]

I like what Whisperlily had to say. I would like to maintain that natural, ongoing conversation both as a means of educating dd as well as opening the doors for discussion in the future if/when she needs it. I want her to be comfortable talking to me about anything, and it is going to take more than a book to develop this relationship.

 

With that said I do think books can provide a very useful basis for discussion. Sonlight Science includes a book called "Almost 12:The Story of Sex" in their 5th grade curriculum. I have not decided yet whether this book will be appropriate for my (to be) 9 1/2 year old girl but in general, I do like the book. The book begins with where babies come from then follows the path through growth and development to sexuality. The book is a Christian perspective, ending with God's plan for sex and an abstinence message.

[Joanne]

I know each child is different. however my dd doesn't show any interest in this subject at all! However I just know that a friend will mention it first and it will hit me when I least expect it.... Just wondering around what age did this become an "issue" (for a lack of a better word) in your home.....

 

It's a commonly held cultural belief that when it comes to sex, we should not offer info until the child asks or shows need.

 

But, IMO, this is not a part of our culture that holds up to scrutiny. I've told my kids about credit cards, organic food, Republicans, biased news stories and the day the garbage gets picked up - they didn't even ask. I think it's interesting and possibly damaging that somehow we put sexual education in another category and hang an immunity necklace around it that effectively says "Never bring up the subject unless your child sends a memo requesting info". :D:p:p

 

Remember there is a difference between accelerating sexuality and sexual maturity and knowledge of biology. Accelerating sexual maturity involves pop culture, media, clothing, "boyfriend/girlfriend" encouragement and a bunch of other things.

 

Telling a kid about their bodies' design and function and other biological tales won't sexualize them or compromise their age appropriate "innocence".

 

My kids have "always" known about sex, procreation, affection, romantic relationships, menstruation and such.

[cin]

All I can say is I am SOOO dreading this talk because for us, it opens a whole 'nuther can of worms...My 2 are adopted...Why did I grow in someone else's belly? Why do some mommies keep their babies? And the list goes on.....

[LG Gone Wild]

the Miracle of Life. There is the birth scene but mostly, you just felt like you were in water slide the whole film.

 

I then bought the book God's Design for Sex from SL. I've read it twice to ds(8) and although he understands body changes, egg, sperm, womb, blah, blah, the part about how the sperm meets the egg escapes him. The book I got was very clear but I think he must have been so repulsed that he blanked it out twice. Oh well, I'll just keep rereading the book. Next time, his sister (5) will join us.

 

Every time I feel uncomfortable, I remind myself that this is just information. This is how we beget people, no more and no less.

[Ottakee]

I have been talking to my kids all along, esp. the girls. They are adopted and we talk openly about this and why they were adopted (came at 7 1/2 months for one and 2 days for the other), etc. They both have some delays, the 12 year old more than the 11 year old.

 

Anyway, one night the BIG question came and I gave the full details. My 11dd just hopped away. My 12dd looked at me and said in all seriousness, "I AM JUST ADOPTING".

 

Now likely 12dd will never marry or be a parent but I just thought it was funny that her first response to hearing the full story was to avoid the whole thing and just adopt.

 

 

 

 

 

I know each child is different. however my dd doesn't show any interest in this subject at all! However I just know that a friend will mention it first and it will hit me when I least expect it.... Just wondering around what age did this become an "issue" (for a lack of a better word) in your home.....

 

Are there any books that you could recommend? Was you dh present at the time or did that make it uncomfortable on your dd? Don't think my dd would mind but me dh might freak out !:p

 

What are your thought? Should I be ready for this? I am so lost..... :eek:

Kate

[Doran]

Back when our oldest was about eight, she read an article in a girls' magazine (New Moon) that mentioned the pregnancy of a thirteen year old. Dh was the one home to field the questions at the time (I love that man for not being squirmy about this stuff!). When he asked her if she understood how women become pregant and her reply was, "Well, I think it has something to do with a bad diet" (!!), we knew it was time.

 

My feeling is, if you're thinking about whether or not it's time, it's probably time. I suppose that might not be true if you dread the whole subject...you may have been worrying about this day since she was born. LOL!! But, I think many of us get those niggling feelings about "when" around the time when it would be most appropriate. Some then put it off, waiting - as Joanne says - for the child to do the asking. But, the child never asks because from day one there has been this unspoken taboo about sexuality in the house. From my personal experience, as a child, I can tell you that putting off discussions meant I knew almost everything there was to know before my mother gave "the talk".

 

We're pretty open about human biology in this family. It's hard not to be when you all share the same bathroom. Not that dh and I are in there demonstrating or anything :D but in terms of how bodies are, and what happens when a woman menstruates -- well all that has been fairly accessible to our kids.

 

If it feels awkward to you, you might seek out some books to use as a guide. If your child(ren) is reading, you can leave a couple lying about the house while choosing one to go through together. Sorry I can't offer suggestions, though.

 

Doran

[Carol in Cal.]

But, I did the slow, steady, let's try to talk in a natural voice thing all along. I distinctly remember covering adultery when DD was 5 or 6 because I read her the story of David and Bathsheba. I explained it as pretending to be married in a bad way. And we talked about bad secrets from about age 5 as well.

 

I use a book series called "Learning About S*x" from Concordia Publishing House that I think is excellent -- but that's just for when I want to really focus on this. Lots of other conversations occur along the way. I really, really want to get there first with my version, rather than respond once she hears a version from someone else. This is one of my primary parenting values about everything that I think is important.

 

Another great resource for me is a book called "My Body is Private", which is geared toward empowering kids to recognize and try to reject s***l abuse attempts

[AKshanmar]

...it would be tricky if your child showed no interest. But when my kids asked questions, I always answered very directly and specifically. We used to laugh, because for the longest time, my kids knew that you needed an egg from mommy and a "seed" from daddy to make a baby, but it took them a long time to ask how that seed got there!

 

Two years ago, we studied reproduction in Biology. That was a little awkward, but it was a good thing.

 

Good luck!

[Kissy]

I think every child is different on what age it needs to be told. If you are asked then definitely you have to answer. I do think the trickle of info is good too. My son is 9 almost 10 and the dr did his one year check up and then he told me that my son had not yet even began puberty and is not likely to begin for a while. So we leave and then my son says what is puberty so I told him it is a time when your body is changing rapidly and you will becoming a man it takes a span of several years. So he is like ok is that when my male part gets bigger..:confused: so we did have a talk about that. I had a baby and he was 8 and of course he says to me wow that is really going to hurt your butt..:eek: so we had that talk too. I think life presents itself or otherwise God will lead you. Pray about it and you will do fine.

[Liz CA]

All I can say is I am SOOO dreading this talk because for us, it opens a whole 'nuther can of worms...My 2 are adopted...Why did I grow in someone else's belly? Why do some mommies keep their babies? And the list goes on.....

 

fantastic resources available for adopted parents/kids talks. They suggest answers for a lot of the questions you mentioned.

If your children already know that they have a *birth/bio mom* and a *real life mom* (these are terms a friend used with her daughter), then the conversation will perhaps not be so difficult.

[Liz CA]

Back when our oldest was about eight, she read an article in a girls' magazine (New Moon) that mentioned the pregnancy of a thirteen year old. Dh was the one home to field the questions at the time (I love that man for not being squirmy about this stuff!). When he asked her if she understood how women become pregant and her reply was, "Well, I think it has something to do with a bad diet" (!!), we knew it was time.

 

My feeling is, if you're thinking about whether or not it's time, it's probably time. I suppose that might not be true if you dread the whole subject...you may have been worrying about this day since she was born. LOL!! But, I think many of us get those niggling feelings about "when" around the time when it would be most appropriate. Some then put it off, waiting - as Joanne says - for the child to do the asking. But, the child never asks because from day one there has been this unspoken taboo about sexuality in the house. From my personal experience, as a child, I can tell you that putting off discussions meant I knew almost everything there was to know before my mother gave "the talk".

 

We're pretty open about human biology in this family. It's hard not to be when you all share the same bathroom. Not that dh and I are in there demonstrating or anything :D but in terms of how bodies are, and what happens when a woman menstruates -- well all that has been fairly accessible to our kids.

 

If it feels awkward to you, you might seek out some books to use as a guide. If your child(ren) is reading, you can leave a couple lying about the house while choosing one to go through together. Sorry I can't offer suggestions, though.

 

Doran

 

nt

[Suzanne in ABQ]

A book I really like, and my 11yodd references regularly, is The Care & Keeping of You - The Body Book for Girls It's published by the American Girl company, but you can get it at Amazon. It is written in clear language, and gives straightforward about the various changes they will experience, emotionally, physically, etc.

I got this book for her at about age 9. She and her cousin have referenced it frequently. Sometimes they bring questions to me, and I answer.

You can see it here:

http://store.americangirl.com/agshop/html/ProductPage.jsf/itemId/2852/itemType/FG/webTemplateId/3/uniqueId/138/saleGroupId/247

 

Or, here:

http://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-American-Library/dp/1562476661/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1203485816&sr=8-1

 

Other than this book, and to answer your first question, we've had an ongoing (well, off and on) conversation about body functions, reproduction, mating (of plants and animals, including humans), etc. since they were preschoolers. We got into more detail when we studied the human body as part of our 1st/2nd grade science, and we've always been very open and honest.

 

My older children are 10 and 11 now, and I'm finding myself explaining a lot more, on a more personal level, as they realize that their dad and I had to do more than just kiss in order for them to exist. 10yods still thinks the whole idea is gross, but 11yodd has a quiet interest. They don't hesitate to ask questions, and I don't hesitate to answer.

 

One thing I use as a trigger, to let me know it's time to talk some more, is when I notice a "change" in my dd. When she started having mood swings, she was kind of scared. She didn't understand her own over-reactions, and she didn't understand why she wasn't in more control. I used that as an opportunity to explain the hormonal changes that were happening, and also to tell her some of the other things that would be happening. Since then, I look for other changes (developing chest, oily hair, etc) as ice breakers to bring the subject back up again. I don't hit her with everything at once. I just touch on the things that are farther in the future, and go into more detail with the things that will happen sooner.

 

Hope this helps.

[Barb_]

I dread it more with each child. When I was in my 20's I was game...open, honest, and humorous about the whole thing. But at this point I'm so over the horrified stares and disbelief that I've been actively avoiding the subject with my 8yo. I keep hoping one of her sisters will clue her in, but they seem to be saving that particular pleasure for me

 

Barb

[Soph the vet]

My dd was 8 when we had the official sit down talk about birds and bees but it is an ongoing conversation. She learned about menstruation a little earlier than that. We have a very open relationship and I hope it stays that way through adolescence:eek:! Generations of Virtue has some good resources on these things.

[Robin Hood]

[quote name=katilac;60257

My girls are 7 & 9. So far' date=' I have chosen to NOT hand them books like "What's Happening to My Body?" to read alone. These books tend to cover a lot of ground - - the details on development, etc are great, but they also usually cover lots of 'extras' like body image, eating disorders, dating, and so forth. If you have a child who isn't comfortable bringing things up or asking questions in this area, you might need to do this (but I'd still pre-read).

 

 

I gave my dd a book, but we read it together. Through the years I have answered all the questions that have arisen but one, so I was comfortable with the book. But....it did have body image image and eating disorder information that they had never heard. I skipped it. It came up later when dd found it herself and I discovered it was a non issue after all. She even thought it was horrible.

 

At 9yo, the idea of dating and so forth seemed a bit over their heads yet. They were not interested. It's still all about their own bodies as they see changes occur.

 

As far as The Question, "How does the sperm get to the egg?", which one dd has asked frequently, I have told them that when they find out, let me know and I'll tell them if they are right. ???? I don't know quite how to tell them yet - but I am exposing them to animals a lot (we live in a ranching community) hoping they willl "see" it done in nature and make the connection. No luck so far. Not even when we bred out dog. I'll probably end up opening the secret to them after all, but not yet. They are around me 24/7 so I am not worried about somebody else telling them. My girls are 9.

 

My idea is to make it as naturally as possible, then down play it a lot. To discuss it to death would take away their innocense and remove respectable border lines, imo, but keep communication going. Up play modesty and discretion. Dh and I are still developing how to reveal the rules and presentation.

[Joanne]

As far as The Question, "How does the sperm get to the egg?", which one dd has asked frequently, I have told them that when they find out, let me know and I'll tell them if they are right. ???? I don't know quite how to tell them yet - but I am exposing them to animals a lot (we live in a ranching community) hoping they willl "see" it done in nature and make the connection. No luck so far. Not even when we bred out dog. I'll probably end up opening the secret to them after all, but not yet. They are around me 24/7 so I am not worried about somebody else telling them. My girls are 9.

 

I don't understand this at all. Why not just tell them?

[Robin Hood]

But, I did the slow, steady, let's try to talk in a natural voice thing all along. I distinctly remember covering adultery when DD was 5 or 6 because I read her the story of David and Bathsheba. I explained it as pretending to be married in a bad way. And we talked about bad secrets from about age 5 as well.

 

 

I had to explain adultry at age 5, too. Next door neighbor, who has a dd my dd age, was quite open about her affair. It was disgusting. I still have a hard time because the kiddos want to play together but this woman is lacks discretion and my fear is that the apple won't fall too far from the tree, so I don't want them playing together. She eventually moved.

[PixieKris]

This has been a lifelong conversation... Starting with discussions about bodies and private parts at a rather young age. We had the book "Before You Were Born" that she really liked. (It is beautiful.) And, the amazing ultrasound photobook "A Child is Born" set low on tables and shelves for a long time. My mom told me a bedtime story about "the sperm and the egg" practically from birth on. I didn't do that necessarily, but was always open about bodies, and respected her body needs - she went through a time when she didn't like kids or unfamiliar adults to hug or touch her, and I respected that. She needs way more privacy than me when getting dressed and showering, and I respect that. There was also a great book called "enjoy your cells" that you can do as part of a human body study, and while the focus is cells, it introduces the topic of reproduction.

 

I do think The Care and Keeping of You is a good resource for the 'preteen' agegroup. There is also a great video (it was at our library) called The Birds, The Bees and Me (a boys version and a girls version) that talks about body changes and sex and values. It falls on the abstinence side of the equation, but informs about protection, and has a line art animated drawing of the sex act, so I'd encourage parents to preview it if they aren't sure it is in line with their families values or comfort level.

 

I also REALLY like the book Girlology. It's written by a mom/daughter team I believe, and encourages lots more though and personal exploration of your own body and values. It has stimulated WONDERFUL discussions.

 

We talk about sex alot, and we have slowly been introducing the genre of romantic comedy's to talk about our society's values about sex and relationships. I never wanted my daughter to get the idea that sex was simply about procreation. Sex and love are basic human needs, and I hope that she is developing an appreciation for the way our biology and culture interact to form customs and values around these topics (as well as everything else.)

 

If you need a good 'mom read' "What's Love Got to Do with It" by Meredith Small is a GREAT book from an evolutionary biologist/feminist cultural anthropologists point of view. I just read it, and it's amazing.

 

:) Kris