Wanna play therapist?

[Carrie12345]

Might not have time to respond until later. Also, it’s not THAT serious, but it’s irking me.

So, I’ve been a sahm for 23 years, homeschooling for 17, various volunteer roles including founding, directing, and teaching in a coop of 100 kids for a few years, and I’m in school for social work.

Dh’s job has always involved schmoozing, and he’s always enjoyed the responses when people find out he has 5 kids and a homeschooling wife. It brings a lot of questions from intrigued people.

At his event last night, he said I was a business owner and entrepreneur. My insides cringed when he told me that!

I know part of my reaction is because I don’t feel I have a “real” business yet. It’s a small hobby thing that I’m slowly working towards creating, mostly just for the challenge. I needed an outlet for the entrepreneurial spirit, but I have no plans to make it more like a career.

After 24 years, I know that this was a way of him showing he’s proud and supportive, but I didn’t like it! I didn’t tell him that at the time, but I plan to. I just don’t know how to explain it.

Is it my imposter syndrome?   
Is it an attachment to my other identities?  
Is it added pressure to turn this into an actual business?

Huh. I guess it’s all 3.

Thank you for this session. Who gets my copay?

[wintermom]

I've been doing a program evaluation with people involved in an entrepreneurial progam, and they were explaining the steep learning curve that there is in the process of building a business. One mentor mentioned a "100 steps 2 startup" resource. Perhaps you haven't done enough of the steps to actually feel like you are 'all in?' It's a lengthy process, though, and a very challenging one.

Also, it can be awkward hearing someone else 'define' your personal journey, and it seems like you dh may not have the same vision about your journey as you do.

Edited Wednesday at 03:54 PM by wintermom

[Katy]

I’d be irked because it implied everything else I’d done over the years wasn’t worth mentioning, but I wouldn’t say anything unless I figured out what I wanted him to say instead. I’d likely ultimately decide it didn’t matter & not say anything at all. And I’d still find it annoying, like a mosquito bite that irritates for days. 

I recently heard someone say that PTA’s are unjust because they’re just another way society benefits from the unpaid labor of mothers. And I agree. It bothered me for days. But I’m still participating because I want my kids to go to a better school and I find that being involved gets my kids the benefit of the doubt in situations where they otherwise wouldn’t. But even that irks a little because it’s privilege. 

[Carrie12345]

Pondering while I was driving, I also think it’s the least interesting thing about me.

I’m having a good time with it because I enjoy running numbers, managing inventory, setting goals, and handling other tasks that are relatively cut and dry in my otherwise “squishy” life. But the interesting (I think) stuff is in the squishy chaos, lol. 

[wintermom]

4 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

Pondering while I was driving, I also think it’s the least interesting thing about me.

I’m having a good time with it because I enjoy running numbers, managing inventory, setting goals, and handling other tasks that are relatively cut and dry in my otherwise “squishy” life. But the interesting (I think) stuff is in the squishy chaos, lol. 

Maybe your dh is trying to gently push you a little in this area, perhaps to build your confidence or to help you get used to talking about it to others. It's hard to know when you don't even mention what your business is here. It seems a little like it's a 'secret closet industry.' 😉 

[Lecka]

I have been really angry before when family members (never my husband) decide to take over the narrative of my life and define me on their own terms, because they “happen to prefer it based on their own values” or “because it sounds cool and gets better comments if they mention it to others.”  This really grates on my nerves.

 

My husband just does not do this, it’s not his personality.  
 

So for example I might value about myself “x” and choose to present myself to others as “someone who does x, or is interested in x.”  While my family members might prefer to present me wrt “y.”  I can feel like it’s just to reflect on themselves and they don’t know or don’t care or don’t value the things I care about or the way I see myself.

 

This has been a huge issue for me at various times and with various family members.  It’s a big deal to me.  But I can say that I am much better now at pushing back against it, or just communicating, or just really saying more about “here’s why this is important to me, here’s why I value this.”  And I used to feel like no one would care and no one would be willing to take a “social status cut” to like me for who I am.  
 

 

[Boymama5]

Is he maybe observing your new found excitement and you don’t realize yet how much joy it’s bringing you?  Along with being proud you’re adding to your already long list of accomplishments?

I can understand it making you feel that it is negating who you’ve been for the majority of your marriage and life together but I’m also guessing since it’s what you’re currently pursuing he’s recognizing that. 

[SanDiegoMom]

It would make me feel that the audience wouldn't be impressed or even understand the previous 24 years of your very fulfilling life and will only be impressed by your latest growing job title.  It would make me cringe as well. 

My husband introduces me by my current job but quickly adds the homeschooling bit (which isn't nearly as lengthy as yours! Only six years!) It makes it clearer that he is just as proud of that aspect of my life and weights it as much as what I do now. 

 

 

[saraha]

So I have not once been in a situation where my dh introduced me to someone and needed to add any more information than “this is my wife Sarah” but I would be super annoyed if he did and somehow inflated something about me. It would put me in a defensive position, making me super conscious of anything I said to make sure it lived up to his description. Not imposter syndrome per se, because I wouldn’t have defined myself that way but, oh I don’t know, just yeah, that would bug me and make me feel on the defense.

[Janeway]

I think it is possible that it felt like he did not feel like being a homeschool parent was enough and had to label you as something else that he might feel as being more. That is not likely what he thought, but it might be how you feel he thinks. 

[Clarita]

12 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

After 24 years, I know that this was a way of him showing he’s proud and supportive, but I didn’t like it! I didn’t tell him that at the time, but I plan to. I just don’t know how to explain it.

Is it my imposter syndrome?   
Is it an attachment to my other identities?  
Is it added pressure to turn this into an actual business?

I've been married to DH less than 24 years, but I am finding that I don't always have to come to him with an explanation with why something he said hits me wrong. I can come to him and just say "I understand that you were being proud and supportive, but this didn't sit well with me." Sometimes his response is something like I knew it came out all wrong after it came out of my mouth, etc. Other times we explore why I feel the way I do and it helps him phrase things better next time or is kind of a therapy session for me. 

[Heartstrings]

Honestly I would think he was considering your founding and running a large co op as you having a business.  A non profit is still a business.  In his mind you’ve already been an entrepreneur.  

Edited Thursday at 12:33 PM by Heartstrings

[Carol in Cal.]

There are many facets to almost every adult’s life.  Our convention in this society is to preference the paid work descriptor.  That’s the default, and that’s what he did.  He probably didn’t think about it much at all.

For instance, I weave, sing choral music, cook international and gourmet foods, hike, grow fruit trees, knit, and study the Bible/theology in addition to my paid employment.  But most of the time no one would say, Carol is a hiker, upon introducing me.  They would instead refer to my paid employment.

Now, that’s not my own view of my most important identity but it’s the conventional way to express it.

 

[Pam in CT]

So, I giggled a bit at your OP because

On 9/18/2024 at 11:33 AM, Carrie12345 said:

...After 24 years, I know that this was a way of him showing he’s proud and supportive, but I didn’t like it! I didn’t tell him that at the time, but I plan to. I just don’t know how to explain it.

Is it my imposter syndrome?   
Is it an attachment to my other identities?  
Is it added pressure to turn this into an actual business?

Huh. I guess it’s all 3.

Thank you for this session. Who gets my copay?

...it'd take a good therapist with a good fit at least six sessions to get to these three excellent points, and many less-good therapists or good-enough therapists who for whatever reason didn't click well with you might well never get there.

So, well done and use that copay for whatever splurge makes you feel indulged and infused with joy.

 

This...

On 9/18/2024 at 12:04 PM, Katy said:

I’d be irked because it implied everything else I’d done over the years wasn’t worth mentioning, but I wouldn’t say anything unless I figured out what I wanted him to say instead....

... is generally sound marital counsel.  Particularly if your husband tends toward concrete / linear / solutions-based conversation rather than looping exploratory sounding-board trying-to-work-out-what-moshpit-of-feelings-you're-feeling.

(see: my own husband, forex)

(and: that is why God created therapists, and non-judgmental best friends, and WTM boards)

 

If you happen to be among the minority of women married to men who are tolerant of squishy iterative discussion of still-messy emotions swirling about, first of all, count your blessings, and in which case...

12 hours ago, Clarita said:

I've been married to DH less than 24 years, but I am finding that I don't always have to come to him with an explanation with why something he said hits me wrong. I can come to him and just say "I understand that you were being proud and supportive, but this didn't sit well with me." Sometimes his response is something like I knew it came out all wrong after it came out of my mouth, etc. Other times we explore why I feel the way I do and it helps him phrase things better next time or is kind of a therapy session for me. 

... you might try to explore the three excellent questions in your OP with him.

 

In any event. Congratulations on your long stint of valuable work approaching its natural end; and also on your emergent project.

[Carrie12345]

2 hours ago, Pam in CT said:

it'd take a good therapist with a good fit at least six sessions to get to these three excellent points, and many less-good therapists or good-enough therapists who for whatever reason didn't click well with you might well never get there.

So, well done and use that copay for whatever splurge makes you feel indulged and infused with joy.

I deeply appreciate that! As someone who has done a lot of therapy, has a sister who is a therapist, a close friend who is a psychologist, and is studying to maybe counsel in a non-clinical setting, it is very nice to know that my instincts and experience are heading in a good direction! 😁