Faith-manor Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 21 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I am over here SMH, because he is going to have a difficult finding this mythical age appropriate woman who wants to have his child while he is spending most of his free time with the age appropriate woman he appears to be fond of who does not want more children. My thoughts exactly! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartstrings Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 1 hour ago, Scarlett said: I am over here SMH, because he is going to have a difficult finding this mythical age appropriate woman who wants to have his child while he is spending most of his free time with the age appropriate woman he appears to be fond of who does not want more children. I agree! Although this may be saying something important about his character or personality. He seems to be afraid of commitment, someone who has dreams but no plans, there all sort of deeper things that this might be telegraphing. Deeper things that might make him ill suited as a long term partner. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 36 minutes ago, Heartstrings said: someone who has dreams but no plans This is exactly what it sounds like. (Without actually knowing the man, of course). I fear he's going to wake up one day realizing he's wasted his life chasing a dream without any substance. Maybe it'll be sooner rather than later; for your sake, Heart, I hope so. Take care of yourself (I know you are). 💗 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 At least he started going to therapy. I went to his other house and no wonder family weighs heavily… it’s full of family photos etc. I’m understanding him a bit more. He says none of the pics on the wall or stories would mean anything to an adopted kid. I said you don’t know that and you don’t know that history would mean much to a biological kid (I never got really intrigued by genealogy). I didn’t say that to be mean just to share another perspective. So right now things are up in the air on how we’ll spend our time. I gave him a loose invitation to attend the WWII museum (I can get another adult in). I KNOW that might be a dumb move to let him meet the kids but it would be in a no strings attached way. He’s just my local friend. They have already met a few. I did putt putt with ds and Mr we broke up at christmas. We’re on decent terms. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 (edited) 58 minutes ago, heartlikealion said: He says none of the pics on the wall or stories would mean anything to an adopted kid Pictures or stories about him would mean plenty to a kid who loved him. Same for his family pictures and stories: ultimately, they’re about what’s important to him. Edited June 10 by Innisfree 11 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 1 hour ago, heartlikealion said: He says none of the pics on the wall or stories would mean anything to an adopted kid. That’s really odd to me, based on my experiences. But if that’s the way he feels, then he’s probably not a good candidate for adopting a child. It sounds like he feels like an adopted child wouldn’t be his “real” family. I wouldn’t encourage someone adopting a child into that situation. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 Family pictures often don't mean anything to children born into the family either. Your friend has a very unrealistic view of families, I think. Being born into a family does not guarantee closeness, interest in family history/photos, etc. And being adopted into a family doesn't mean that closeness, interest, etc., can't be there. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 51 minutes ago, marbel said: Family pictures often don't mean anything to children born into the family either. Your friend has a very unrealistic view of families, I think. Being born into a family does not guarantee closeness, interest in family history/photos, etc. And being adopted into a family doesn't mean that closeness, interest, etc., can't be there. That’s what I told him. And I never brought up adoption that day, he just said that. Continuing a bloodline matters to some people. I’m not one of them I guess. I told him I have family I only talk to because we’re related but otherwise wouldn’t. Blood doesn’t guarantee much imo. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted June 10 Share Posted June 10 1 hour ago, KSera said: That’s really odd to me, based on my experiences. But if that’s the way he feels, then he’s probably not a good candidate for adopting a child. It sounds like he feels like an adopted child wouldn’t be his “real” family. I wouldn’t encourage someone adopting a child into that situation. Yes, and Heart, I think, doesn’t want more kids so adoption wouldn’t possibly be on the table anyway? My adopted kids are all in on our family heritage. Founding Father family here, on both sides (different Fathers, of course!) and they embrace it. They’re all listed on the official family trees, stepkid, too, and treated as family by museum/heritage staff. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 1 hour ago, Spryte said: Yes, and Heart, I think, doesn’t want more kids so adoption wouldn’t possibly be on the table anyway? My adopted kids are all in on our family heritage. Founding Father family here, on both sides (different Fathers, of course!) and they embrace it. They’re all listed on the official family trees, stepkid, too, and treated as family by museum/heritage staff. Yeah I would only expand my family of kids if the guy had them already (and I avoid dating anyone with infant/toddler/very young kiddos). I could be a step mom but not go through the bulk of early child rearing. It was so hard on me and I need more sleep than the average person. I had a full night’s sleep last night and still napped on my lunch break. I started taking my vitamins again to see if it helps. I don’t know why I’m like this and couldn’t afford the last sleep study test offered to me. besides, I just want to enjoy the honeymoon stage that I never had and how can you possibly do that if there’s a rush to produce babies. That’s nice about the family trees etc. I told him my female cousins are adopted and they are my family. Edited June 10 by heartlikealion 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 10 Author Share Posted June 10 (edited) 10 hours ago, Scarlett said: I am over here SMH, because he is going to have a difficult finding this mythical age appropriate woman who wants to have his child while he is spending most of his free time with the age appropriate woman he appears to be fond of who does not want more children. That’s why I feel bad hanging out with him. Like I’m going to sabotage him. Though I don’t think he’s exactly missed out on the one because of me, either. But in my defense he invited me to bike etc. He owns two bikes. And he made a comment while we were out that most girls wouldn’t want to do that (I’m not sure that’s true but it’s like yeah duffus, we can do a lot together. I even offered to go sit through the extended LOTR movie with him that is currently in the theatre. Our timing was off for getting to the showing in time so we did other things instead). Edited June 10 by heartlikealion 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted June 11 Share Posted June 11 4 hours ago, heartlikealion said: That’s why I feel bad hanging out with him. Like I’m going to sabotage him. Though I don’t think he’s exactly missed out on the one because of me, either. But in my defense he invited me to bike etc. He owns two bikes. And he made a comment while we were out that most girls wouldn’t want to do that (I’m not sure that’s true but it’s like yeah duffus, we can do a lot together. I even offered to go sit through the extended LOTR movie with him that is currently in the theatre. Our timing was off for getting to the showing in time so we did other things instead). I don’t think you should feel bad at all. You have been upfront and he can choose to move on to a baby making woman or he can keep seeing you. No one is forcing him. Just enjoy his company and see what happens. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted June 11 Author Share Posted June 11 2 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I don’t think you should feel bad at all. You have been upfront and he can choose to move on to a baby making woman or he can keep seeing you. No one is forcing him. Just enjoy his company and see what happens. Last time we spoke I said I don’t know if we’ll see each other again… do you plan to never text again? (mind you he went radio silent for weeks. Then hours before the event this Friday texted saying he looked forward to seeing me!! I was completely thrown and on the fence about attending). He said no, he plans to connect again. But he admitted that texting for him is terrible and gets him into trouble lol he’s not wrong! I said you can always call or make plans to meet in person. Also, I think because of his job as a welder, texting is hard on his eyes. I noticed he had large text settings on his phone and struggled if he wasn’t wearing his glasses so texting is just not an ideal form of communication for him. Also, I learned through our time together this weekend that spelling isn’t his forte (he asked me how to spell somethings when sending an important text) and he told me he didn’t finish high school because his mom needed help with expenses so he went to work FT early. I hated that for him as he was so driven and would have finished otherwise. Anyway it makes so much more sense now that he doesn’t do much via text and I don’t take it real personally. He does read and write a lot, but texting is another story. ——- I’ve been fumbling through the Anxiously Attached book but it hasn’t been very useful. Mostly I already know this stuff. Then the author jumps into dealing with the feelings of “little me” like our childhood beliefs and I think she may be referencing the Internal Family Systems model that I was using with my last therapist. I’ve fallen asleep twice trying to make it through this chunk of the audiobook. I’m just working on when/if to share how my brain operates and know if the person cares they will modify their behavior or at least understand me better. I told him I felt blown off the night of goth prom and assumed that was it… we were no longer in communication. But he said he didn’t realize he hurt my feelings and looking back he said he should have seen me that night and apologized. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 7 Author Share Posted July 7 I got the physical copy of the Anxiously Attached book but breathing exercises etc isn’t what I’m looking for. I sorta pursued this guy that works at another branch. I invited him to a group bowling night after bumping into him at goth prom. The bowling night was something I arranged with a bunch of workmates. It happened a couple weeks ago. He was on time (unlike a lot of the attendees) and we chatted off/on all night and he paid more than his share for the lane I reserved. Fast forward I invited him to my 4th of July thing at my house but he couldn’t make it. I told him about a monthly goth night and we ended up making plans to meet up there Friday night. We chatted a lot and I learned that we aren’t quite compatible for a couple reasons (smoking is a deal breaker for me) but I hope to hang out with him again as friends if he’s interested. I think I’m just out here collecting male friends 🤣 Oh and Mr I thought we dated last Christmas showed up first to my 4th of July party. At one point he told me that he never thought we dated (what a gaslighter) and I explained from my POV what I thought happened and he said we just had a misunderstanding. Back then I told him I thought he might have a thing for his best friend and he denied it. The guy I went to goth night with knows the people and validated me. He said he’s hung out with them and dude is in denial and definitely has a crush on the girl. He said he’s big on communication in relationships and doesn’t like ambiguity. I have a lot of respect for him. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 15 Author Share Posted July 15 Had a date with a new guy last night. This is the second or third time a guy vaped on our date after I was pretty clear about that being a thing I don’t want to be around. It’s very explicitly said in my dating profile (vaping, cigarettes, weed, cigars). Guys don’t read or don’t care about these things. Then he said he wasn’t going to quit (I said I’m not asking) and suggested maybe he just not do it around me. Then he proceeded to puff on his vape 2 more times over the course of the evening. He seemed a bit pushy (tried to get me to come inside his home nearby). We had a date scheduled for this coming Friday and he suggested seeing me again before then. A dating coach I watch online said good pacing is 1 date a week at first, with some communication in between. So I told him no, things were moving too fast. After he walked me to my car he said just text me if you want to see me again. So I don’t intend to text. I'm more and more comfortable being single lol 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, heartlikealion said: Had a date with a new guy last night. This is the second or third time a guy vaped on our date after I was pretty clear about that being a thing I don’t want to be around. It’s very explicitly said in my dating profile (vaping, cigarettes, weed, cigars). Guys don’t read or don’t care about these things. Then he said he wasn’t going to quit (I said I’m not asking) and suggested maybe he just not do it around me. Then he proceeded to puff on his vape 2 more times over the course of the evening. He seemed a bit pushy (tried to get me to come inside his home nearby). We had a date scheduled for this coming Friday and he suggested seeing me again before then. A dating coach I watch online said good pacing is 1 date a week at first, with some communication in between. So I told him no, things were moving too fast. After he walked me to my car he said just text me if you want to see me again. So I don’t intend to text. I'm more and more comfortable being single lol Good for you for holding boundaries! It is a weird, weird world out there. Dating is a mine field. I don't blame you at all for getting comfortable with singleness. My bachelor sons have made the comments that, "We have seen the insane thing called dating, and are just fine not participating." Both would make wonderful life partners, but they prefer to avoid the drama of finding someone. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hyacinth Posted July 15 Share Posted July 15 1 hour ago, heartlikealion said: I'm more and more comfortable being single lol Carrie Underwood sings a song that says something like: The more guys I meet, the more I like my dog. 🐶 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 15 Author Share Posted July 15 I only even activated the dating apps because I was trying to move on from the guy that wants bio kids. I’m sick of lopsided communication with the men in my life so I’m not initiating any plans with the males that haven’t reached out and likely won’t. I’ll save my energy for others. A friend of mine has a birthday this week and I offered to celebrate with him but it will probably be too late for me on a week night. Guy from last night couldn’t wait and texted me this morning. I let him down. He wished me well and I said the same. I am trying to prioritize myself. I didn’t stay out late last night and I swam laps this morning. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 That is disgusting that you say you dont want a smoker or vapor and they just ignore you. Gross. I would probably leave a date like that mid date. If my Dh lost his mind and started smoking I would not live with him or be around him. I don’t have any smoker friends and my family that smokes or vapes I really limit my time around. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 16 Author Share Posted July 16 (edited) 14 hours ago, Scarlett said: That is disgusting that you say you dont want a smoker or vapor and they just ignore you. Gross. I would probably leave a date like that mid date. If my Dh lost his mind and started smoking I would not live with him or be around him. I don’t have any smoker friends and my family that smokes or vapes I really limit my time around. They are idiots. A guy that I know thought he only shouldn’t smoke around me if he was trying to date me. I said no, it still bothers me. You should care because I’m a friend. This is why I limit my time with smokers. If I date anyone else I’ll literally have to go down a checklist! Like “did you read my profile? Do you vape? Smoke cigarettes? Smoke weed? Do drugs?” lol I’m not trying to judge them as people… just don’t want that crap in my life. And this week’s vaping guy argued with me about whether or not the thing emits chemicals so I shut up and thought enjoy it alone. Edited July 16 by heartlikealion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heartstrings Posted July 16 Share Posted July 16 25 minutes ago, heartlikealion said: If I date anyone else I’ll literally have to go down a checklist! Like “did you read my profile? Do you vape? Smoke cigarettes? Smoke weed? Do drugs?” lol You need to hide a clause in there like send a skyscraper emoji in a text to prove you read my profile. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 6 hours ago, Heartstrings said: You need to hide a clause in there like send a skyscraper emoji in a text to prove you read my profile. I thought of similar lol with my luck they would still ignore the smoking thing but send the emoji 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 (edited) Wrong thread Edited July 17 by heartlikealion Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 I got a text today telling me he quit vaping today 🤷🏻♀️😆 The guy didn't get my Wednesday Addams shirt… I had to tell him who that was. And I’m pretty sure he practices negging (“you’re sorta cute.” Thanks for the weak compliment?). Not for me. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 20 minutes ago, heartlikealion said: I got a text today telling me he quit vaping today 🤷🏻♀️😆 The guy didn't get my Wednesday Addams shirt… I had to tell him who that was. And I’m pretty sure he practices negging (“you’re sorta cute.” Thanks for the weak compliment?). Not for me. Think of it like fishing. You are casting your line in the hopes of taking home a trophy trout. This one might not be a mudfish, but definitely a carp, and well, not a keeper. 😁 1 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 4 minutes ago, Faith-manor said: Think of it like fishing. You are casting your line in the hopes of taking home a trophy trout. This one might not be a mudfish, but definitely a carp, and well, not a keeper. 😁 Like if you wanted to put your best foot forward you should have done that. Not decide to try to suck up later. Blahhh. I made other plans Friday. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
maize Posted July 17 Share Posted July 17 Even if he is trying to quit, the chances of it sticking are very slim. It's not as easy as just deciding. And there's a good chance he isn't really even trying to quit, just to make you think he is. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 17 Author Share Posted July 17 Just now, maize said: Even if he is trying to quit, the chances of it sticking are very slim. It's not as easy as just deciding. And there's a good chance he isn't really even trying to quit, just to make you think he is. Exactly! His heart isn’t in it, he’s just trying to look good. I already deleted the apps again. What I want is so specific I don’t think I’ll find it there. Just trying to focus on other things at the moment. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted July 30 Author Share Posted July 30 I reactivated my Facebook in case I needed to browse cars on marketplace. With that came my Facebook dating app and a few guys messaged me. I’ve already closed the app. Apparently if I don’t want to date a stoner I have to be even more explicit because they might not smoke but they eat gummies all the time 🙄 There’s really no polite way to tell a guy your habits turn me off. I have said it doesn’t mesh with my lifestyle or I don’t like being around smoke. The gummies is a new one. I wouldn’t say it to a prospective partner but I don’t even want to worry about them leaving gummies somewhere my kids could access them. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
heartlikealion Posted August 4 Author Share Posted August 4 Today my friend (the one that wants bio babies) and I hung out all afternoon/night with dd. He took us to lunch, laser tag, the park (played with us on the equipment, pushed dd a million times on this chair zip line), frozen yogurt shop and time at our separate homes together. He asked if he wa invited when I discussed taking dd to a place tomorrow for breakfast and I said sure. when we were alone (dd was in the restroom) I asked him point blank if he could ever see us together again as a couple. This man is still hung up on having his own kids, so no, not unless I had kids with him. This is infuriating and heartbreaking but I told myself not to get my hopes up so it’s not shocking. I basically said then why want to spend all this time with me and dd if you see no future? He just gets attached to this family dynamic I guess. He has no family. I told him being just friends is hard for me and realistically we are just going to drift apart. I’m going to discuss this with my new therapist but I feel like we are going to become acquaintances. My logical side says he doesn’t get to have your time & energy. He made his decision to seek someone else. He must feel your absence. I mean that more for my self preservation. I’ve been attempting to make new friends and I’ve talked to a few guys but it was all dead ends. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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