Struggling that I'm not feeling as grateful as someone thinks I should.

[Lisa R.]

How's that for confusing? Teen Dd helps out and feels I should be grateful as she's going over and above what she's asked to do. However, sometimes she doesn't do a great job.

 

For example, she offers to clean up the kitchen. I go in the kitchen later to find that the counters aren't wiped off and a dirty pan is in the sink. I feel a little irritated on one hand, but on the other hand, I'm happy to get all the help I can get. Dd feels somewhat insulted because she offered to take care of something for me and doesn't fine me appreciative enough. Note that I didn't require her to clean up. She offered. I wonder why she offers if she doesn't feel motivated to do a complete job.

 

I don't want to get into a discussion about the proper cleaning of kitchens--please realize this is an example.

 

Am I wrong to be only slightly appreciative? Should I be grateful that she even offered as many teens wouldn't give it a passing thought? How do I show genuine gratitude over a job that was volunteered but is only partially complete?

[LBC]

Do you think that maybe she's offering to clean up because she needs a bit of encouragement, and thinks that might be a way to get her needs met? That would explain why she's upset if she's not getting what she's hoping for.

 

I think that when my dc offer to do something nice for me, it's often their immature way of getting my attention. In a perfect world, I would be proactive, and give them the attention they need, but since I don't live in a perfect world, sometimes they need to get my attention.

 

Just a thought.

 

Lori

[Kris]

Am I wrong to be only slightly appreciative? Should I be grateful that she even offered as many teens wouldn't give it a passing thought? How do I show genuine gratitude over a job that was volunteered but is only partially complete?

 

I'm dealing with this, too, and I've started using "now" instead of "but." I really think *he* thinks he's done a good job -- he doesn't seem to actually *see* the crumbs on the counter or the pan in the corner. And there *always* is one.

 

I just tell him thank you for the help! "Now" let me catch this one little thing. I don't make a big deal out of it -- I just wipe off the counter and give him a hug. Next time, the counter's wiped off! But now there are *two* pans in the corner. :lol:

[dawn of ns]

I'd definitely recognize all the work she did nad not bother with what she missed. That will come in time. As a kid I'd do similar things but all my mom seemed to notice at times was the pan in the sink. It really saps the energy to do things like that in the future.

[Melinda in VT]

I'd definitely recognize all the work she did nad not bother with what she missed. That will come in time. As a kid I'd do similar things but all my mom seemed to notice at times was the pan in the sink. It really saps the energy to do things like that in the future.

 

I agree. What's the thing Flylady always says? "Housework done imperfectly still blesses your family" or something like that.

 

Maybe instead of thinking of it as your daughter volunteering to clean up the kitchen, you could think of it as her volunteering to load the dishwasher. Then you can be appropriately appreciative without getting upset that she didn't clean the kitchen completely.

[keptwoman]

Well had she not cleaned the kitchen you'd have to do the whole lot yourself right? OR organise someone else to do it. It's not done perfectly but it's still lessening your workload. So I think it would be reasonable to be greatful.

 

J makes me a coffee every morning. Darling boy realises that Mum doesn't wake up until she has one so he makes it for me. Often he brings it to me in bed. And we have an espresso machine so he has to grind the beans etc. He makes an almighty mess around the machine most mornings. But I just show appreciation for the coffee and from time to time (later) ask him to sort out the mess around the machine.

 

What about having a job manual? When my children were first starting chores I made one up which detailed every single job in the house step by minute step. This made a huge difference to the quality of the job the kids did. Would something like that help without seeming like a lack of appreciation?

[Oak Knoll Mom]

Well had she not cleaned the kitchen you'd have to do the whole lot yourself right? OR organise someone else to do it. It's not done perfectly but it's still lessening your workload. So I think it would be reasonable to be greatful.

:iagree:Think of everything she did do to help you and don't dwell on the five minutes it will take you to wash that last pan and wipe off the counter. As she gets older the job will be done better. :001_smile:

[PariSarah]

You don't have to go overboard with the thanks, but I would definitely let dd know that she made your work load lighter. And perhaps also let her know, gently and subtly, that she's not doing a thorough job.

 

One thing you could say when she offers to do something is, "Great! Let me know if there's something you don't get to." That way, you won't come into the kitchen hours later to find something undone--she'll (hopefully) say something like, "Mom, I'm leaving this yucky pan to soak!" You'll also be adjusting your own attitude--saying it out loud reminds you that she does, indeed, tend to leave stuff undone. BUT it also might trigger her to look a little harder at what she does. Combine that with Kris's little "Oh THANKS!--just let me wipe off this counter, and it'll be all done!" maneuver, and you'll be teaching her about as gently as it's possible to do that she's doing an incomplete job while still giving her the thanks she appears to want.

 

Obviously, I would treat required chores differently. She does have required chores, right? 'Cause with those, I don't even release the child from duty until I've inspected the job and found it adequate. If she doesn't have required chores, I'd get on that pronto, just so that she gets used to the sensation of having her work scrutinized and corrected. If she can't deal with THAT sensation, she's going to have a very difficult adjustment period when she leaves the nest.

[Melinda in VT]

Apologies for a quick thread-jack.

 

Sarah, when you get a second, can you update your sig? I'm getting stressed about you still being on page 19. :-)

[A.J. at J.A.]

I am a 37 year old version of your daughter. Even now, after I manage to keep my own house well (in my opinion), if I try to help out when I visit my mom she is never pleased. And frankly, I just gave up trying. It is sad, because my mom complains about how nobody ever helps her, but honestly when we do help all we get is a list of things we didn't do right. It is very discouraging and upsetting and I have just resolved (sadly) to not help rather than feel the deflation of being told what I did wrong, rather than for having appreciation for what I did right. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and am so blessed to have her. But in this area, we have a disconnect.

 

Go easy on her. I know you are a parent of a teen and so you still have some training to give her, but let that be separate from a free gift she offers you.

 

Blessings,

Angela

[PariSarah]

Sarah, when you get a second, can you update your sig? I'm getting stressed about you still being on page 19. :-)

 

And my MIL, who mistakenly believes that once I finish, I will have another grandbaby for her. :lol:

 

Unfortunately, I've spent the last month and a half filling out job and scholarship apps (my funding runs out this year, and I'm not going to graduate), right after which end-of-the-semester grading hit. :sneaky2:

 

That page count is going UP soon, though!!

[Haiku]

Am I wrong to be only slightly appreciative? Should I be grateful that she even offered as many teens wouldn't give it a passing thought? How do I show genuine gratitude over a job that was volunteered but is only partially complete?

 

If someone offers to help, don't criticize their work. Ever. That's a great way to guarantee that they won't help again.

 

If my teen dd helps me out and doesn't do the job to my standards, I thank her anyway. If she has left some things obviously undone, I simply thank her specifically for the things she has done and then do the rest myself.

 

For example, if she offered to "clean the kitchen" but left pots in the sink and the counters unwiped, I would say, "Thank you for putting away the leftovers and loading the dishwasher."

 

I have never had the standards of housekeeping my mother had. She used to say to me, "How can you look at this and think it's clean?" Well, I just did. I didn't see what she saw.

 

If you assign a task, it should be done completely. If someone volunteers to help out, accept their help graciously and don't pick over the results.

 

Tara

[melissel]

What about having a job manual? When my children were first starting chores I made one up which detailed every single job in the house step by minute step. This made a huge difference to the quality of the job the kids did. Would something like that help without seeming like a lack of appreciation?

 

This is a bit OT, but since I struggle with the same issues as the OP and have nothing useful (to her!) to add, I just wanted to say that I LOVE this idea! We're just starting chores here, and I think this kind of thing would help my DD immensely. Thanks for posting it!

[LisaKinVA]

Some children need a lot of specifics (Clean Kitchen means...) -- however, when my children volunteer to do something for me, I say thank you! My oldest occassionally will surprise me by making my bed. It is never done the way I would do it -- but I say thank you anyway.

 

As a child/young teen -- I have very strong memories of spending an hour scrubbing the bathroom or the kitchen to "surprise" my mom. Instead of thanks! I got -- "well, I can see you cleaned, but I can tell you didn't do it the way I would have." :glare:

 

Guess who STOPPED helping out?

 

When I was younger, I managed at a restaurant. We had to break each job down into a check-list -- to ensure things didn't get missed. I will probably do the same thing for my kiddos -- because it does get tiresome to "repeat" the same things.

[Peela]

I'd focus on the positive and the work she did do- then, only if it feels appropriate in the moment, light heartedly ask her to finish off. Only focusing on what she didn't do is not balanced either.

Part of chore training here is to get more and more complete and detailed with cleaning the kitchen. My kids-both teens now- do alternate weeks on kitchen duty and they are learning- still learning mind you, not yet automatic or experts- to do a good job, remembering to wipe down counters and check around for pans on the stone that need washing etc.

[Melinda in VT]

And my MIL, who mistakenly believes that once I finish, I will have another grandbaby for her. :lol:

 

Unfortunately, I've spent the last month and a half filling out job and scholarship apps (my funding runs out this year, and I'm not going to graduate), right after which end-of-the-semester grading hit. :sneaky2:

 

That page count is going UP soon, though!!

 

Sorry. I thought about that possibility right after I hit Submit.

 

Good luck with everything!

[lovemywhirlygirls]

I am grateful for this thread as a reminder TO BE GRATEFUL for the things my children and husband do and offer to do unsolicited. I am too often guilty of the comments that focus on what isn't right being more heavily weighted than the words of affirmation. I do try to be careful....but I confess I get or I allow myself or maybe I cultivate (if I'm really being honest) irritation about getting help and then still having to do work. I remember being crushed when my mom only noticed what wasn't done. Why is it that I can so easily forget that and act in such a selfish way? Thanks to all of you for this timely reminder. I think I will start immediately and add this as a practice for the new year...cultivating gratitude in this area.

 

Have a great day! I'm hunkering down with some yummy coffee to wrap the presents. My children are DELIGHTED to clean their rooms so they can't see what I'm wrapping. They'll get the reward of seeing presents under the tree when they're done. (Their words, not mine.)

 

ETA: To the OP, apologies for taking this space to work out my own issue. Hope that you are encouraged that you are not the only one that struggles with this. From my perspective, I'd encourage you to build your daughter up with affirmation for these unsolicited offerings. As others have said, I'd recommend (and I'll do it myself) that you use any assigned chore time you may have to teach the specifics about what various chores entail. If your dd is anything like my kids (or me for that matter) specifics given will, over time, create an understanding of what "cleaning the kitchen" means in your language.

Edited December 22, 2008 by lovemywhirlygirls

[phathui5]

I'd show some gratitude, even if it's not what you're feeling. She's more likely to help out in the future if she feels like you appreciate what she's doing.

[dawn of ns]

I'd show some gratitude, even if it's not what you're feeling. She's more likely to help out in the future if she feels like you appreciate what she's doing.

 

Yup. And she'll grow to feel more pride and when she feels more pride she'll do a better job.

[Lisa R.]

This has really helped adjust my perspective. I love the idea of thanking her specifically for what has been done and thinking that she volunteered for a portion of the whole job. It is that portion that I'll gratefully acknowledge and not be disappointed that the whole job wasn't done. The last thing I want to do is discourage a helpful child.

 

Thanks to all who responded.

[TraceyS/FL]

Next time, the counter's wiped off! But now there are *two* pans in the corner. :lol:

 

I had such hope.

 

FOr a minute.

 

HMPH. Party pooper!

 

:tongue_smilie:

[Kris]

I agree. What's the thing Flylady always says? "Housework done imperfectly still blesses your family" or something like that.

 

I don't know the exact quote, but I do know that the philosophy has been working. I never could get this place "together" because I couldn't do it all at once -- so I got discouraged and just didn't try anymore. Boy, did it show.

 

The past couple of months, I've been doing bits and pieces here and there, generally following the week's "zone" but not even really too worried about that. It never fails that if I'm supposed to be working on the living room, it's the bathroom or the kitchen where I want to be. :lol:

 

My kitchen now looks pretty good! And the rest of the house isn't as overwhelming, either. It definitely works.

[coffeegal]

When I was a teen and trying to help out, Mom always showed her appreciation. Later, when we were in the kitchen together making cookies or cleaning, she would take the opportunity to train me in how to clean a kitchen. :001_smile: But she always kept a clear division between chore training time and a child attempting to help Mom out. I don't see any reason you can't do the same. Say "Thank you" and give your dd a big hug, then later take an opportunity to teach your dd how to clean a kitchen.

[Lacie]

As FlyLady says: "Housework done imperfectly still blesses your family"

[Garga]

I'd be grateful.

 

Later (like a week later) teach some Home Ec and go over how to clean different rooms of the house. Or not. Just let it go.

[Tap]

We went through something similar at our house and what helped me was to teach ds14 to use more specific words to describe what he did.

 

We talked about the difference between washing dishes, washing counters, sweeping and mopping, doing the pans, and 'cleaning the kitchen'. This helped both of us to be more satisfied by the work done.

 

If he tells me that he "did the dishes" I don't expect every thing else. If he says he "cleaned the kitchen", I expect it all done.

 

Our discussion led into having pride in ones work and setting up expectations for someone else. If I only expect 'dishes' done, an I walk in and find them done, I am very happy to have one less chore to do. But if he said that he cleaned the kitchen and then I walked in to only have half the work done, then I am only half as happy. It is about setting someone's expectations. Being appreciative is hard when your disappointed. It is about being forthright and honest too.

 

We talked that it is like telling someone you planned dinner for them and when the walked in you only had green beans heated up. While technically that is part of dinner, it would be disappointing..

 

This doesn't just apply to the kitchen, it is the bathroom, laundry or anything in life. As a teenager they are getting prepared for the real world and you can't tell your boss that you did a project to find out that you only did half.

 

I give my kids tons of praise, but they have to deserve it and I am honest in my praise. This way they know it is sincere and that I notice when they really go above and beyond. My praise is also tempered with reality when it need to be. If they did a half hearted job, then I may say "I appreciate that you folded the towels and put them away, but I would appreciate it more if you would have placed them nicely under the cupboards instead of cramming them under there."

[Carol in Cal.]

We went through something similar at our house and what helped me was to teach ds14 to use more specific words to describe what he did.

 

We talked about the difference between washing dishes, washing counters, sweeping and mopping, doing the pans, and 'cleaning the kitchen'. This helped both of us to be more satisfied by the work done.

 

If he tells me that he "did the dishes" I don't expect every thing else. If he says he "cleaned the kitchen", I expect it all done.

 

Our discussion led into having pride in ones work and setting up expectations for someone else. If I only expect 'dishes' done, an I walk in and find them done, I am very happy to have one less chore to do. But if he said that he cleaned the kitchen and then I walked in to only have half the work done, then I am only half as happy. It is about setting someone's expectations. Being appreciative is hard when your disappointed. It is about being forthright and honest too.

 

We talked that it is like telling someone you planned dinner for them and when the walked in you only had green beans heated up. While technically that is part of dinner, it would be disappointing..

 

This doesn't just apply to the kitchen, it is the bathroom, laundry or anything in life. As a teenager they are getting prepared for the real world and you can't tell your boss that you did a project to find out that you only did half.

 

I give my kids tons of praise, but they have to deserve it and I am honest in my praise. This way they know it is sincere and that I notice when they really go above and beyond. My praise is also tempered with reality when it need to be. If they did a half hearted job, then I may say "I appreciate that you folded the towels and put them away, but I would appreciate it more if you would have placed them nicely under the cupboards instead of cramming them under there."

 

I agree totally.

 

Except for the last line. I would say "I appreciate that you folded the towels--but I can't find them under the cupboards where they belong--where are they again?" That way I'm still thankful and not complaining, but I'm also in a flat way conveying where the towels go.

 

But the main thing is, don't tell me that you cleaned up the kitchen when all you did was move the dishes into the dishwasher and then fail to start it. In that case, say, "I loaded the dishwasher," and leave it at that. Otherwise it makes me feel bad about what you didn't do instead of good about what you did do. (This especially applies to grocery lists. TELL ME WHAT YOU DIDN'T GET or I will FIND OUT in the MIDDLE of making a COMPLICATED RECIPE for which I am suddenly MISSING A KEY INGREDIENT!) Ahem. Issues. Right.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

I understand your frustration. Since she said she was going to clean the kitchen (for example), you were counting on it being done, and not having to worry about it. I don't know how many times dh or one of the dc has "helped" me load the car (for another example), then I later discovered that something important was forgotten because I hadn't personally loaded everything. It is frustrating to count on something, then be disappointed.

 

However, I agree with the other posters that she needs to be commended for what she does do, even if she falls short. You could join her in the last few minutes, to help her "see" the things she's missing, in a friendly sisterhood sort of way, joining together to finish the task at hand.

[Blue Hen]

I'd be grateful, and I really, really make an effort to express my gratefulness to my boys whenever they do a job---whether they were asked to do it or not-----if it is done up to my expectations or not. Period.

 

This is where I'm coming from. Growing up whenever I did a job around the house my mom always let me know all that I did wrong, or incomplete, or not up to how she would have done the job. I can still hear her saying--you didn't wash down the backsplash, you didn't clean under the faucet, you didn't....... Believe me, it is not how I want my kids to remember me when I am dead and gone, or across the state, or......

 

I do sandwich my appreciation --- Lots of praise on what they did do, how it was a great help, and while I'm saying all this I might put a few things away that 'should' be put away, or wipe the counter that was missed, so they see from my example that there was still something left to do. Also, when I am the one cleaning the kitchen and they are 'just' helping out I will make comments such as---- how nice it is to finish up the job by emptying the dishpan and putting it away clean.

 

DH and I do have a funny in this house though---when we tell they boys to clean up their room or the living room or.... we tell them whether it is to be cleaned to the boys standards, Mom clean, hospital clean, or Grandma clean. LOL!

 

Carole

[lionfamily1999]

Okay, here's the deal. If you want people to do nice things for you, or go above and beyond for you, if you want them to do things without asking, then you need to be grateful when they do. Imagine your self in her position. You try, and in response you're told the task was incompletely or incorrectly done. How many times would you do this, if the response was the same?

 

Perhaps, you should be more considerate in your reaction to what your dd does?

[lionfamily1999]

I am a 37 year old version of your daughter. Even now, after I manage to keep my own house well (in my opinion), if I try to help out when I visit my mom she is never pleased. And frankly, I just gave up trying. It is sad, because my mom complains about how nobody ever helps her, but honestly when we do help all we get is a list of things we didn't do right. It is very discouraging and upsetting and I have just resolved (sadly) to not help rather than feel the deflation of being told what I did wrong, rather than for having appreciation for what I did right. Don't get me wrong, I love my mother dearly and am so blessed to have her. But in this area, we have a disconnect.

 

Go easy on her. I know you are a parent of a teen and so you still have some training to give her, but let that be separate from a free gift she offers you.

 

Blessings,

Angela

Me too. The response we always got was, "I guess I should have done it myself." That was for everything. Now that Mom's older, she wonders why none of us will lift a finger in her house or yard. We still get Dad cups of coffee and things, but Mom's on her own. My brother finally told her, after years of being inadequate, we've all decided she deserves the best to be had, which can only come from her own two hands.