saraha Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 After she ruined my birthday lunch a few years ago, I stopped making the trip to her house for her birthday. This year I am feeling a little more charitable. I was already wondering if I wanted to invite her to meet us half way for lunch, when she called today and kept it short and sweet, basically are you all still alive. She didn’t mention her birthday or Easter, bit did say she was going to call dd15 on her birthday, which is after moms. Part of me wonders if it was a fishing expedition, but the other part of me thinks I’m reading too much into it. If I did meet her, it would be at a restaurant halfway between us with an eye doctor appointment for one dd in a whole other town, so a way out. The last time we met for lunch, she was obnoxious and rude to dds boyfriend she brought to meet everyone. The time before that I picked the restaurant for my birthday and she complained the whole time. I’ve been working on myself and my attitude and reactions to her, so kind of want to do it so that I am teaching the kids to love the hard to love, but in a way that keeps yourself safe, iykwim. Dh says either way. We have an out in place and can literally just get up and get in our car and walk away. He also said it’s not that long til we will see her for Easter. What do you guys who know some of my story think? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jaybee Posted March 20, 2023 Share Posted March 20, 2023 Well, if it were me, I'd just send a card. Or maybe make a birthday call. But birthdays are not huge deals in our family. We celebrate with the ones who are in the house, and call/card for those who aren't. And the ones who aren't live too far to get together. I don't think I would backtrack and reinstate anything that you have managed to drop out of the routine, personally. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) 31 minutes ago, Jaybee said: Well, if it were me, I'd just send a card. Or maybe make a birthday call. But birthdays are not huge deals in our family. We celebrate with the ones who are in the house, and call/card for those who aren't. And the ones who aren't live too far to get together. I don't think I would backtrack and reinstate anything that you have managed to drop out of the routine, personally. I feel the same way and this is how I would handle it. Especially if you'll see her for Easter. But if you think you might have regrets if you don't do it then maybe you should as long as you are mentally prepared. These situations are so tough and it's sad that it has to be that way with our closest family members. ETA - if you don't think you'll regret not doing lunch than I would definitely advise to just skip it. Edited March 21, 2023 by Kassia 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) I would skip the birthday lunch since you'll see her soon enough for Easter, and if the lunch goes badly and everyone leaves mad, then Easter will be super awkward — or if it goes really badly then you'll end up skipping Easter instead of her birthday, and I'd rather do Easter since that's more of a family thing. I think doing a birthday lunch is just tempting fate. Edited March 21, 2023 by Corraleno 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie_0801 Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 Not smacking your head into brick walls is an important life lesson too. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 Agreeing with Rosie here! Send a card. Don't open the door to more stress, drama, and abuse. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Not_a_Number Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 I've been working on the same kind of thing: dealing with my mom but also staying safe. But for me, it's trickier with the kids. Because while I might know how to stay safe at this point (or at least am getting a good idea), I feel like it's too much to expect from the kids to have to tolerate unsafe people. Do you know what your kids would like? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kassia Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 30 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said: Not smacking your head into brick walls is an important life lesson too. 24 minutes ago, Faith-manor said: Agreeing with Rosie here! Send a card. Don't open the door to more stress, drama, and abuse. Wise advice. 🙂 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 It's a tough call. I think it's fine to send a lovely card or in some way commemorate from afar. If you do go for the lunch, have a finite time period and an exit plan. Perhaps bring along someone who helps you feel safe and relaxed (dh?) or perhaps an outsider who might motivate your mother to her best behavior (a friend?). I've done all three options with varying success. My very best strategy by far was asking my beloved mother-in-law to come to my family gatherings--she was such a smiley, happy, chatty woman. Everyone relaxed in her presence--they not only behaved, they actually enjoyed themselves. Any of these options depend a lot on your comfort level and also on your best guess for how you think you mother will react. The bottom line is to choose that which you can carry the most easily. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted March 21, 2023 Author Share Posted March 21, 2023 45 minutes ago, Corraleno said: I would skip the birthday lunch since you'll see her soon enough for Easter, and if the lunch goes badly and everyone leaves mad, then Easter will be super awkward — or if it goes really badly then you'll end up skipping Easter instead of her birthday, and I'd rather do Easter since that's more of a family thing. I think doing a birthday lunch is just tempting fate. I hadn’t thought of this, Very Good Point 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 Don't do it, send a card. How is your DH doing? 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 (edited) It is my birthday on Thursday as well. I advise you to take yourself out for lunch and have a dessert for me in peace and quiet since I will be at work and do not get a lunch break. 😄 A card or a call for your mom is plenty. Edited March 21, 2023 by fraidycat 5 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LifeLovePassion Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 I would probably not go to lunch either. Easter is soon enough. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saraha Posted March 21, 2023 Author Share Posted March 21, 2023 11 hours ago, Katy said: Don't do it, send a card. How is your DH doing? He is optimistic. He has an appointment next week with a new doctor who will hopefully be able to help him improve even more. 13 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Beth S Posted March 21, 2023 Share Posted March 21, 2023 An alternative is to mail some photos to her, or even send a small floral arrangement. Something that marks the day, but doesn't require your direct in-person time with her. 3 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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