lovinmyboys Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 (edited) My middle two boys are in 8th and 7th grade at an international school. My 7th grader seems to be good at everything, while my 8th grader is not as much (school, athletics, “popularity” etc). My 8th grader got invited to play in an away basketball tournament with the “A” team and I was so excited for him to have the opportunity to spend time with teammates and get to travel and have a thing that was “his.” So today I got an email that one student had canceled so they want my 7th grader to go too. I don’t want to hold him back, but if he goes he will be more of the center of attention and my 8th grader will not have his “thing.” I can pretty easily dissuade my younger one from going, but I want to do right by both of them. How should I handle it? ETA: any other tips for handling this dynamic in general. My ds14 is such a wonderful kid. I really want him to find something that is his and not feel like he is in his younger brother’s shadow. (Ds13 is great too) Edited January 23, 2023 by lovinmyboys 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Tick Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Perhaps ask your 8th grader how he would feel and then go with that? Sometimes just being asked and "seen" for the position he is in can help. There are a limited number of opportunities where you have the power to affect things like this. Tricky position to be in. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tenaj Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 If the older one wasn't on the team, would you let the younger one go? If the answer is "yes" then I would let him go. We have seen this situation play out in our family and on various teams we've been involved in. Two of my middle kids were like this, the older not as athletic as the younger. We were concerned as they were both in the same athletic program. Younger moved to varsity first - he deserved to be there - a natural athlete. Older kept playing for another year and then dropped and developed other interests. He is now a successful adult living on his own, full-time job. This stuff has a way of working out but holding back the younger would not have changed anything for the older. Oh, and they are great friends so no resentment which I think would have developed if we had tried to interfere in the younger's advancement. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J-rap Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Do you think the differences in abilities bother ds8th? Sometimes these things concern parents more than the children. Does ds7th treat ds8th kindly around peers? How do you think the social part will play out for ds8th if ds7th is there vs not there? (Will ds7th take away friends from ds8th, for example?) Do you think ds8th wants to continue in this sport or is he doing it just because he thinks it's the thing to do? 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Tough question. I think I'd let 7th grader go because it's a good experience for both, but I can understand your hesitation. Then again, it might give 8th grader some comfort to have his brother along, especially if he's not that confident in sports. Someone suggested asking your 8th grader. If I did that here, my eldest would probably go along to get along. Of course only you know how your son would react. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
footballmom Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 How is your 8th grader’s self confidence? I would generally say each sibling should be given the offer to go, but since your 8th grader was asked first and this could potentially help him get a boost with his confidence, I would want to better understand his self confidence feelings first before offering to 7th grader. Like SKL, I would not put that back on my 8th grader bc in my kids’ dynamic, they would go along to get along. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Corraleno Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 I feel like purposely depriving the younger brother of a fun trip just punishes him for being good at things, which he really can't help, and that seems even more unfair to me than the inherent "unfairness" of one brother being more athletic and sociable than the other. I don't think that artificial efforts to "even the score" by holding one brother back is the way to address that issue. So I would let both brothers go and then look for other opportunities for the 8th grader to do something by himself. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Is there another 8th grader in the school who could be recommended/invited to make the trip? Younger students may get another shot next year. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spy Car Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 I would think that if the 8th Grader discovered why the 7th Grader was denied an opportunity to join the team for this trip, it might be more injurious to his self-esteem than having his younger brother come along. One of many reasons I would not block one son's opportunities. Bill 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 This really doesn't feel like that big of a deal to me for a one day/weekend event. If your 8th grader was asked first and could use his own thing for this one event, I think decling for the younger kid is fine assuming he has good ongoing outlets for his talents. He'll get his chances for that kind of thing. I mean, if you decide it makes sense to send both, I think that is fine too. It's a middle school event, it's just not that big of a deal either way IMO. I'd maybe think on how older kid can have his own time, space, activities and talents without always having sibling right there. Since this popped into your head as the mom of both, maybe being mindful about this going forward is good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 1 minute ago, Spy Car said: I would think that if the 8th Grader discovered why the 7th Grader was denied an opportunity to join the team for this trip, it might be more injurious to his self-esteem than having his younger brother come along. One of many reasons I would not block one son's opportunities. Bill I agree. It is tough for sure. I think that this is a good time in life to help them learn to cope with these things. There will always be someone at your heels who is equally or more talented. It is just the way of things. Open communication and full support for both young men is the way to go. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 I talked to ds14 (he brought it up) and he said he is fine but doesn’t want to room with him and he is worried ds13 will play better than him. Overall I think he doesn’t mind him going. I think he has had the most self confidence of my kids until the last year or so- probably around 13. I think that is probably fairly normal to lose some self confidence in that age range. It isn’t terrible. I do worry about him the most of my kids, but dh says he is the most like him and dh turned out fine- family he loves, job he likes, friends, opportunities for hobbies. Overall, ds14 is doing fine. I just wish he had his own thing. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Feel free to ignore my advice, as it is not what most have said. I would find an excuse to decline the 7th grader’s spot. Let the 8th grader have an opportunity to escape the shadow. In my family, I was the younger sister who was recognized more readily. I think it impacted both my sister’s feelings about herself and our relationship. Part of this was that I was good at the things my parents valued, while my sister was good at things they didn’t care about. I also saw how much my second child blossomed at school once the first child had graduated. It made me realize how much the second child needed space away from the first child, so that he could be seen. I think it would be harder now, though, because you discussed it with the 8th grader. If you *now* come up with a reason to decline for the 7th grader, the older will know it has to do with this. 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 (edited) I used to assume my kids would have plenty of more opportunities if I said no to this one. Thanks to Covid shutdowns, sports injuries, etc., it turned out that many of those expected opportunities didn't come back another time. So in my mind, there's no guarantee that 7th grader will definitely have his chance next year. Especially if he's aware of this opportunity, I'd find it hard to deny it to him. Edited January 23, 2023 by SKL 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 Would the 8th grader be in a different school for 9th grade or does the international school goes up to 12th grade? I have seen twins being split into different schools because of one twin being overshadowed. However, I won’t be worried about a weekend trip since any overshadowing is already done in school. I would think differently if it is a competition team (e.g. synchronized swimming) that would be training together for months because that kind of environment has a higher chance of developing friendships. @Quill my aunt had similar issues with her oldest and second oldest sons. The second son overshadowed his brother totally. There wasn’t actual resentment but the oldest did have low self esteem. He ended up working in another country for good. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grace Hopper Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 We had this dynamic for a while. We steered each a bit into separate extracurricular activities so they would not naturally be competing with one another (ie, football & debate for one, baseball & scouts for the other; martial arts and music for both). 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lovinmyboys Posted January 23, 2023 Author Share Posted January 23, 2023 @Quill is there anything your parents could have done to help? Right now I would say the two of them have a good relationship. I just want ds14 to have a chance to be his own person-he has a 16yr old brother who also does well, and then the 13yr old who is starting to surpass him. He is kind of in the middle and it seems like he is in one of their shadows no matter what. I have thought about sending my two middle boys to different high schools when we go back to the US- oldest ds will have graduated by then. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Farrar Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 I was going to suggest different schools long term, so I'm glad it's on your radar already. I don't think I'd deny the 7th grader the opportunity, but I think you're right to be concerned. Sil is still bitter at dh for stealing the show with teachers and adults her whole childhood because he was academic and very well-spoken and she wasn't really. She was also a year older and nothing hurt her pride more than being known as "dh's sister" when she was the older one. I know this because she still routinely brings it up. Still. It wasn't good for dh in the long run either, though a lot of that is because she bullied him a bit when they were kids to compensate. I would do whatever you can to separate their social worlds without it becoming a parental dictate to not do activities or go certain places. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 1 hour ago, lovinmyboys said: @Quill is there anything your parents could have done to help? Right now I would say the two of them have a good relationship. I just want ds14 to have a chance to be his own person-he has a 16yr old brother who also does well, and then the 13yr old who is starting to surpass him. He is kind of in the middle and it seems like he is in one of their shadows no matter what. I have thought about sending my two middle boys to different high schools when we go back to the US- oldest ds will have graduated by then. First question: yes; they could have displayed more value on the things my sister was good at. They did not do this because they had very clear ideas about what skills ver desirable; for ex., my parents loved music, so a singer or instrument player in the family got a lot of admiration and praise. They don’t care about athletic ability, though, and did not support sports for girl in any case, so my sister’s ability to do well at any kind of physical game was largely ignored. Second paragraph: I *used* to think it was crazy to send kids to different high schools. (One friend had three kids in different private schools in three different *counties*! When there was inclement weather, she had to find out what three different school systems were doing, lol.) But now I think it’s a good strategy for addressing this problem. My two oldest kids went to the same private high school. 9th grade was turbulent for my son, because of the high expectations raised by his sister. Even teachers are prone to comparing students in the same family, not to mention peers. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 We lived rural in high school, so there was only one school to talk about. And I was the 3rd of 6 kids, so .... I don't think kids need to attend different schools in order to find themselves. I do think parents need to learn how to value kids' different virtues and talents, even if they are not things we were raised to value much. I have tried to live this with my daughters, who are very different and who have always attended school together. My very capable youngest has struggled the most at defining what she values about herself. It's not that she doesn't have numerous interests, talents, and hobbies. Those are all fun in the moment, but she struggles to see a future in any of it. I hope your son finds something he is passionate about. 🙂 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 23, 2023 Share Posted January 23, 2023 25 minutes ago, Quill said: Even teachers are prone to comparing students in the same family, not to mention peers. My teachers used to tell my younger siblings about all of us older ones ... in front of their whole classes. 😛 For better or worse! Even my niece had to hear some of those stories decades later. 😛 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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