What are the top features that make you consider someone a friend?

[Ginevra]

Or a good friend? 
 

What does someone do that solidifies them in your mind as a good/true friend? And how long does this generally take for you to feel like, this person is really my true friend? 
 

Im not going to give suggestions yet because I want to see what people say. 🙂 

[Jean in Newcastle]

We connect on a deeper level.  We don't agree on every single thing but we do agree on those things that we share as priorities. 

They are dependable.

They are loyal.

They are honest.

Things that don't matter to me in my very close relationships (some of which have gone for over 40 years):  how often we see each other or communicate (though we do try to connect at least a few times a year or more).  What matters more is that when we do connect, it's like no time has passed at all. 

[Sneezyone]

- longevity/shared experiences over time (YEARS…three or more).

- honesty, they say things no one else will/give unpopular or contrary opinions.

- loyalty/don’t betray confidences

- shared values

Like Jean, I can go months without talking to my friends but when we connect it’s like no time has passed. We do not value politesse and piddling platitudes or tokens. Casseroles are all well and good but my friends know I’m a better cook anyway and don’t want their food, lol. No, come SEE me, FaceTime me, check in on me when you know I’m struggling (b/c reaching out isn’t something I do often). The connections run much deeper than those acquaintances I regularly see in person.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Arcadia]

Integrity and someone who would be there if and when you need help. Usually it takes me years because time will tell if someone is a true friend or it is mutual benefit or one sided. The fastest was friends that are friends of a close cousin. My cousin has known them for decades and could vouch for them. 

[Katy]

Similarities that make me feel connected on a deep level initially. Shared experiences, selflessness, and time. 

[Indigo Blue]

In my mind a true friend would be someone where:

If I can feel that that person isn’t going to stab me in the back the minute I turn around….

If I can feel that that person isn’t going to mistake my quiet nature for weakness and take advantage of me….because I won’t let you know I can see through you; I will just not let you get any closer, rather than confront you. 

And most of all, if that person is genuinely honest and if I could just feel that…

Sadly, what happens in reality is I keep getting hurt because my people picker seems to be broken.

But…live and, hopefully, learn.

 

Short answer…TRUST. 

[Grace Hopper]

Trustworthiness 

 

[Grace Hopper]

3 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

Trustworthiness 

 

I realize that was a very short answer but, really, until I know I can really truly trust someone, they are a friend, but not a Friend, iykwim. I have a lot of dear acquaintances. It takes time to reach that place, capital F friend level, but not time quantified in months or years. It’s  quantified by shared experiences and quality conversations. 
 

I’ll add that at my age and stage of life, I also prefer to have as confidantes others who share some base level values. An understanding of my faith position. An understanding of what position I would likely take on major issues. They don’t have to agree with me, they just should know me well enough to notice that my actions fit with my stated beliefs - that my walk matches my talk iykwim. That our conversations don’t always get stuck on why I think the way I do about something, because they already hold similar convictions. That takes time spent together and at this stage of my life, I have less available time and emotional energy, so though it’s sad to say, I do tend to gravitate towards those who are, for lack of a better description, like me. These are people I am most intimate with. I have recognized this as a pattern and lately have made it a goal in the last year or so to cross boundaries to make broader acquaintances. I wish I were younger and am honestly jealous of college students who have so many more opportunities to do this. 

[Sneezyone]

3 minutes ago, Grace Hopper said:

I realize that was a very short answer but, really, until I know I can really truly trust someone, they are a friend, but not a Friend, iykwim. I have a lot of dear acquaintances. It takes time to reach that place, capital F friend level, but not time quantified in months or years. It’s  quantified by shared experiences and quality conversations. 
 

I’ll add that at my age and stage of life, I also prefer to have as confidantes others who share some base level values. An understanding of my faith position. An understanding of what position I would likely take on major issues. They don’t have to agree with me, they just should know me well enough to notice that my actions fit with my stated beliefs - that my walk matches my talk iykwim. That our conversations don’t always get stuck on why I think the way I do about something, because they already hold similar convictions. That takes time spent together and at this stage of my life, I have less available time and emotional energy, so though it’s sad to say, I do tend to gravitate towards those who are, for lack of a better description, like me. These are people I am most intimate with. I have recognized this as a pattern and lately have made it a goal in the last year or so to cross boundaries to make broader acquaintances. I wish I were younger and am honestly jealous of college students who have so many more opportunities to do this. 

My best friends are my college roomies. Soooooo many nights with TV, dominoes, cards, junk food, and conversation. No one knows me like those women do.

[Grace Hopper]

8 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

My best friends are my college roomies. Soooooo many nights with TV, dominoes, cards, junk food, and conversation. No one knows me like those women do.

Right! And while I am very pleased that my kids have each gone on to mcollege with much more focus than I had when I went, and likely to have more quality conversations, there’s something strongly bonding about holding someone’s hair back while she tosses up Ladies’ Night. In two words, vulnerability and proximity. I let a lot of my college friendships lapse because post college life took us in different directions. I wish I’d been more diligent about keeping up with them. 

eta I think at this stage of life, vulnerability and proximity look more like sitting with a friend through her chemo appointment. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Rosie_0801]

Mutual affection, respect, investment in each other's children's wellbeing, giving me the benefit of the doubt.

I've got a person I'm not even friends with any more because he's too messed up, but I know if I texted to ask if my dd could borrow his tools, he'd make them immediately available for pick up, even if he hid in his room and pretended not to be home so he didn't have to speak to us.

[She Travels]

My good friends are those I can feel comfortable sharing my ideas and opinions with, even when knowing full well they may have differing ideas and opinions. We get along despite our differences because we know we share the same foundational beliefs of prioritizing our families, working to make a better world, and showing compassion. I would say it usually takes years before I consider someone a good friend. Oh, and a good friend is one that can drop in unexpected and I don’t have worry that they may be judging the cleanliness of my house. 

[Guest]

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

[JustEm]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

We connect on a deeper level.  We don't agree on every single thing but we do agree on those things that we share as priorities. 

They are dependable.

They are loyal.

They are honest.

Things that don't matter to me in my very close relationships (some of which have gone for over 40 years):  how often we see each other or communicate (though we do try to connect at least a few times a year or more).  What matters more is that when we do connect, it's like no time has passed at all. 

All of this! Minus needing to agree on any particular thing.  Just that if we don't agree we can discuss it repectfully and love each other while disagreeing.

[Grace Hopper]

6 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

People I count as Friends know me well enough to know I do not like surprises! 😂
 

A friend calling me and saying hey, I’ve got two tickets on this date for this thing I know you also love and you are the one I want to take with…. That’s something special. 
 

etclarify - it would be special because the approach I described includes the person knowing that I personally don’t like surprises, that I really like the thing being offered, and gives me the opportunity to decline. 

Edited July 21, 2022 by Grace Hopper

[Katy]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

I think this is more of a love languages thing than a standard for everyone. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

3 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

A good friend would know that I would want to be consulted first. I would feel railroaded by the tickets. But a good friend would say “Let’s go see Straight no Chaser on the 10th “ and would let me make the decision. 

[JustEm]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

I have never had a friend surprise me with tickets to anything, other than dh.  Or really spend any significant amount of money on me.  But tangible things aren't important to me.  

[Sneezyone]

13 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

None of those things would matter to me as a friend-development offering. It’s a nice gesture and a fun time(!!). DH just bought me tix to see Kat Williams again (IYKYN) but that’s the bonus not the core and I was consulted on dates and seats (!!). The core is quiet nights talking around a cheap (DIY) hibachi chicken dinner at the beach.  My friendships don’t Peter out in 2yrs. I have super good friends that I haven’t seen or spoken to in depth in five years. I know I could call them up tomorrow and they’d do what they could to help. They have little kids (or none at all) and I don’t want to impose (or just sometimes). We all know what that’s like and respect the struggle. The grace is real.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

2 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

A good friend would know that I would want to be consulted first. I would feel railroaded by the tickets. But a good friend would say “Let’s go see Straight no Chaser on the 10th “ and would let me make the decision. 

That’s me too. 

[Brittany1116]

I had a major surgery recently and I feel like I knew who counted me as a true friend based largely on what they brought us to eat when I couldn't cook. That sounds silly but some people went out of their way to get stuff they knew we loved even if I had only mentioned it in passing once. I was kind of awestruck how specific a few people were, versus generic "oh yeah, they like pizza". I hope that I am that kind of helpful and considerate to others. That isn't to say I base my relationships on anything like that. It just struck me really deeply.

[Rosie_0801]

11 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 

What are the consequences if I say no?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Good friends can and have mistepped. But we talk about it honestly. 
 

another thing important to me is that my good friends have a maturity commensurate with their age. My friends and I have all grown up considerably over the extent of our friendships but they have all had a measure of emotional maturity. No mind games. 

[Sneezyone]

5 minutes ago, Brittany1116 said:

I had a major surgery recently and I feel like I knew who counted me as a true friend based largely on what they brought us to eat when I couldn't cook. That sounds silly but some people went out of their way to get stuff they knew we loved even if I had only mentioned it in passing once. I was kind of awestruck how specific a few people were, versus generic "oh yeah, they like pizza". I hope that I am that kind of helpful and considerate to others. That isn't to say I base my relationships on anything like that. It just struck me really deeply.

This. My friends would be like, ‘we know you need help and you’re not gonna ask so tell us what food your peeps would actually eat so we can send it anyway.” (Via door dash, meal-train)

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Indigo Blue]

4 minutes ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

Hmmm…good questions. For me, personally, the idea of “I bought you these tickets and we’re going” would make me SO happy on the one hand…because it would show such thoughtfulness. On the other hand, it might have an effect on the introvert side of me. Like, on that same weekend, if something else came up on the day before or the day after the concert, I’d be feeling that for sure. But, after having done that for me, I’d suck it up and have fun. It’s a energy level thing, nothing at all to do with the concert. But surprise thing would mean so much, still, and I’d know that you valued our friendship.

Now, if you never did anything like that, and we sat at home and popped popcorn and binged something, or just talked, that would be great, too. I wouldn’t EXPECT a friend to do this in order to be a “good” friend. 

But that would make me wonder what things I could do to surprise you or that you would like. 

[Sneezyone]

7 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Hmmm…good questions. For me, personally, the idea of “I bought you these tickets and we’re going” would make me SO happy on the one hand…because it would show such thoughtfulness. On the other hand, it might have an effect on the introvert side of me. Like, on that same weekend, if something else came up on the day before or the day after the concert, I’d be feeling that for sure. But, after having done that for me, I’d suck it up and have fun. It’s a energy level thing, nothing at all to do with the concert. But surprise thing would mean so much, still, and I’d know that you valued our friendship.

Now, if you never did anything like that, and we sat at home and popped popcorn and binged something, or just talked, that would be great, too. I wouldn’t EXPECT a friend to do this in order to be a “good” friend. 

But that would make me wonder what things I could do to surprise you or that you would like. 

My bestie and I learned an important lesson in college. Prince (the man, the myth, the legend) was performing locally and another friend of ours was gonna go with me to wait in line for wristbands (for the right to purchase tix). I asked bestie (who was broke) if she wanted me to buy her a ticket with my credit card. I explained the debt could be repaid but the decision about the ticket was final. We could only get them on that one day by waiting in line. We ditched class to wait in line. We bought the tix. On the NIGHT of the concert, bestie is all…are you sure I can’t go/get a ticket? I nearly ripped her throat out. Those memories are irreplaceable. She doesn’t play like that anymore, thankfully! Lessons were learned.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

What are the consequences if I say no?

To the first part or the second, lol

*I’m* extremely unlikely to ever do that, surprise someone like that, probably because I’m not a big fan of that directed at me. You would have to be a rock-solid inner circle friend for me to not be annoyed at being surprised. 
 

 

[Guest]

3 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

My bestie and I learned an important lesson in college. Prince (the man, the myth, the legend) was performing locally and another friend of ours was gonna go with me to wait in line for wristbands (for the right to purchase tix). I asked bestie (who was broke) if she wanted me to buy her a ticket with my credit card. I explained the debt could be repaid but the decision about the ticket was final. We could only get them on that one day by waiting in line. We ditched class to wait in line. We bought the tix. On the NIGHT of the concert, bestie is all…are you sure I can’t go/get a ticket? I nearly ripped her throat out. Those memories are irreplaceable. She doesn’t play like that anymore, thankfully.

Ugh! So she said, “No, don’t get me one” and then later was like, “Can I still go?”

I did have a recent kerfuffle over tickets to something that was the other way; I paid and then it looked like friend was flaking out. (She didn’t actually but it looked like that.) 

[Indigo Blue]

I think, after reading the other replies about the concert, I might be a tad codependent? Lol. This board helps so much sometimes. 
 

Seriously, I’d be flattered, but too afraid to say my energy bucket was full for fear of hurting your feelings or disappointing you. 

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

Ugh! So she said, “No, don’t get me one” and then later was like, “Can I still go?”

I did have a recent kerfuffle over tickets to something that was the other way; I paid and then it looked like friend was flaking out. (She didn’t actually but it looked like that.) 

YEP. That’s EXACTLY what happened. I still give her a hard time about it. Like, are you sure. Sure?!!! Fortunately, lessons were learned!

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Guest]

9 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

I think, after reading the other replies about the concert, I might be a tad codependent? Lol. This board helps so much sometimes. 
 

Seriously, I’d be flattered, but too afraid to say my energy bucket was full for fear of hurting your feelings or disappointing you. 

Self-awareness is the first step. 😄

[Farrar]

I have a friend who does like that. She will text me up and be like, are you home because I'm coming by and I'd like you to make me a salad and give me a popsicle after church in like ten minutes.

She knows I love it though. She's a true force of nature. 

Sigh. She's abroad right now and I miss her.

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Quill said:

Self-awareness is the first step. 😄

Yes!

But, sometimes, you know, you do have to sacrifice. You just can’t always know exactly what to do or not do to make someone feel cherished. If you buy me surprise tickets, then will it kill me to go? If we really have a good friendship, we’ll figure it all out eventually. Life is short. Let’s go to the concert. 

[Indigo Blue]

5 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I'm coming by and I'd like you to make me a salad and give me a popsicle

I’ll be there in ten minutes for my salad and popsicle.

[Sneezyone]

1 minute ago, Indigo Blue said:

Yes!

But, sometimes, you know, you do have to sacrifice. You just can’t always know exactly what to do or not do to make someone feel cherished. If you buy me surprise tickets, then will it kill me to go? If we really have a good friendship, we’ll figure it all out eventually. Life is short. Let’s go to the concert. 

IJS. Prince’s short self  is dead now. Who’d have thunk?!

[Indigo Blue]

Just now, Sneezyone said:

IJS. Prince’s short self  is dead now. Who’d have thunk?!

What does IJS stand for??😬

We still have The Eagles. They still sound like they always did. 
 

[Sneezyone]

2 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

What does IJS stand for??😬

We still have The Eagles. They still sound like they always did. 
 

I’m just saying=IJS. You never know when an opportunity that presents itself is your first, last, only. His show was AMAZING. If you have the chance to see Bruno Mars today…on par. Musicianship/live band, dance, theatricality…all there.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[Indigo Blue]

1 minute ago, Sneezyone said:

You never know when an opportunity that presents itself is your first, last, only

So true!

[Grace Hopper]

16 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

What does IJS stand for??😬

We still have The Eagles. They still sound like they always did. 
 

Not all of them. 😢

[Guest]

31 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

IJS. Prince’s short self  is dead now. Who’d have thunk?!

That’s accurate. It is a cautionary tale. 

[sassenach]

Low maintenance, funny, wise... those are my immediate thoughts.

Low maintenance encompasses a lot of features that are super important to me. The ability to not take my schedule limitations personally, to enjoy the slivers of time that we get, to have a balance in our conversations (not all about you, not all about me), to not be easily hurt, no drama. 

Funny, I love to laugh. It's not that I don't like serious people but I'm not going to be drawn to them. There has to be some joy and enjoyment in my friendships. 

Wise, I need depth. I don't have a lot of time for friendships so I need someone who can bring some wisdom to the table. 

 

I am blessed with several friendships like this. I also have a few that miss the mark a little and they end up being second tier friendships, which still have value but are not my first people to go to.

[Sneezyone]

49 minutes ago, Farrar said:

I have a friend who does like that. She will text me up and be like, are you home because I'm coming by and I'd like you to make me a salad and give me a popsicle after church in like ten minutes.

She knows I love it though. She's a true force of nature. 

Sigh. She's abroad right now and I miss her.

FTR- I resemble this remark. Sooo…I have the chance to head your way for the weekend. Can I crash/eat your food/drink your booze/ and be off at sunrise? 
 

In my defense, She lives alone/has no local family and I happily host her siblings for holidays under the same conditions. Spontaneity isn’t everyone’s cuppa.

Edited July 21, 2022 by Sneezyone

[sassenach]

1 hour ago, Quill said:

I’m wondering where tangible things fit in for other people. Like, if I surprise you with tickets to Straight No Chaser (whom I know we both love) and say, “I hope you’re available on Nov 10th because we’re going,” does that make you feel like, “Wow! Such a good friend!” Conversely, do people who never surprise you with tickets not register as a good friend? 
 

How much in-person communication is essential to keep the fires burning? If two years go by, does the friendship Peter out? 

Tickets- if that person coordinated with my husband and made sure my calendar was clear/that the timing was good for me, my immediate reaction would be panic and then I would settle into excitement. If they didn't do any legwork, it would be a HUGE turn off for me. I would go, but I would feel weird about the friendship because this person clearly doesn't understand my life and they just threw themselves on me- Big red flag in the low maintenance category.

In-person communication matters zero to me. Nearly all of my very best friends are people I rarely see in person. Even people I live near are people I see every few months at best. I talk almost every day with my childhood best friend and it's been years since we've seen each other. 

[Jean in Newcastle]

Oh and I should say that there is some intangible “something “ there as well. Because there are tons of kind, funny, mature etc etc etc people who look like we could be besties on paper but somehow we just aren’t. And I couldn’t tell you what that is that makes one person click and another one a near miss. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Katy said:

I think this is more of a love languages thing than a standard for everyone. 

Is it though? I have been thinking about this and I think some of the “love languages” things are a reflection of maturity and emotional development. Like, a person with some emotional development issues might think they are a “gifts” person. So they shower you with gifts because they want you to shower them with gifts back. And when you don’t, they get all butt-hurt. 

[Melissa Louise]

Laughter is a good clue.

Can we laugh together? 

Being able to be yourself, even in the quirky ways, and that's not a big drama. 

Reciprocity. Turn taking. Mutual interest. 

Available! (within reason).

Trustworthy. 

That's my list. 

[Melissa Louise]

It's definitely nothing to do with tickets or gifts or surprises. My good friends know I'm not a fan of surprises. 

 

[JustEm]

I tried to edit my earlier post to answer the time question but it wouldn't let me, so here it is. 

 

As for communication,  it depends.  The longest my closest friend and I went without talking to each other (not in a fight or anything) was a year.  But it used to be common that we'd go many months between talking or hanging out. After a year we ended up at the same party, which we knew we'd both be at, it was like we hadn't missed an entire year of each other's lives.  It happened when I was a  new mom and she was living an hour away trying to figure out what to do because of the recession she was fresh out of college with few options. We were just so busy and had no time to connect. But no amount of time without contact will change our friendship.  She lived with my family in college, she's been to family weddings, she was my second support person when I was in labor with my oldest, she's supported me during marital issue and vice versa, and so much more.  Her and her girls just spent 3 days at my house just for the heck of it in June so those long periods of no communication haven't ever hurt our friendship

[Guest]

12 minutes ago, Sneezyone said:

FTR- I resemble this remark. Sooo…I have the chance to head your way for the weekend. Can I crash/eat your food/drink your booze/ and be off at sunrise? 
 

In my defense, She lives alone/has no local family and I happily host her siblings for holidays under the same conditions. Spontaneity isn’t everyone’s cuppa.

No, it’s definitely not my cuppa. If anyone stays at my house, I feel like I can’t just go about my business. 

[Grace Hopper]

15 minutes ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

Oh and I should say that there is some intangible “something “ there as well. Because there are tons of kind, funny, mature etc etc etc people who look like we could be besties on paper but somehow we just aren’t. And I couldn’t tell you what that is that makes one person click and another one a near miss. 

Not unlike people assume all home schoolers think alike!