Help me word a text to someone who has NPD

[footballmom]

My mom has/is NPD and we are very low contact.  Two of her specialties is to create drama / ruin special days and no sense of boundaries.  My oldest will be graduating soon and she has been trying unsuccessfully to manipulate her way into any graduation celebration we might be planning.  I saw her briefly this weekend and she said something off handed about how she will be at the ceremony.  We did not invite her.  I have not even shared a graduation date with her.  I was not planning on inviting her.  This means she researched the details on her own.  It is  open to the public as it is outside and there are no tickets.  My oldest doesn’t care if she attends.  However, if it rains, it will be moved inside with a ticket limit and we will only have enough for me, my husband+children.  Attending this graduation is supply for her - two of her closest friends also have grandchildren graduating locally and it would be unbearable for her to not be there.  
 

Please help me word a text to confirm that she has, in fact, invited herself and draw a couple of boundaries - we do not post pictures of our kids on social without their permission and if it’s moved inside she’s out of luck.  I also want to make it clear I won’t accept any drama but spelling that out is like a shiny nugget to her so I’m conflicted. 

[Catwoman]

Can you just say nothing at all to her?

[Jean in Newcastle]

I am not sure why you hope to achieve with the text. She knows that she wasn’t formally invited. If it rains,  the natural consequence will be that she won’t have a ticket to go indoors. You can ask her not to post photos or to make a scene but that can be like waving a red cape at a bull. I think it’s better to just ignore her “announcement “. 

[gardenmom5]

gray rock.   I wouldn't respond to her announcement.

At a relative's funeral - we discussed what we would do afterwards.  When toxic person made suggestions - we were all so sorry, but we had previous obligations and wouldn't be able to get together with him afterwards.

previous obligations was - we all met at a restaurant.  as bad as I felt for the toxic one - everyone else would have been uncomfortable and unhappy had T been there. - so- plan what you're doing afterwards.  and how to "we're not available" in such a way that she won't just follow you.

[Elona]

No matter how you word it, if she is anything like my MIL it will stir up drama. Has she had a problem with posting photos in the past? If you want to remind her of that family rule you could just send a very short response with something like: Just FYI, if the ceremony gets rained out we are only given tickets for our immediate family. Also, as I am sure you will want to get photos of this happy day, please remember to ask (child) before posting any photos of them online.

I wouldn't get into anything about her inviting herself. It's an open ceremony and your oldest is okay with it. If she tries to invite herself to any after party/celebration, you can draw a firm line, saying simply that there have been too many upsetting incidents at past events and that you simply aren't going to risk such an incident on this day.

However, what others have said about saying nothing seems the best choice to me. If she posts photos online that your child doesn't want posted, then you or your child can request she remove them. Or you could offer the reminder when the camera is clicking. 

The rainout tickets probably won't be an issue, and if they are, deal with that one in the moment.

[Elona]

Also, NPD's don't respect boundaries, no matter how clearly they are laid out. That's one of the most upsetting things. As noted above, greyrock as much as you can. Kind but firm communication, only when you must, and no response when you don't have to. I am sure you must feel upset and anxious about this and wish there was a way to prevent her attendance & any catastrophe. It's really hard when dealing with them when there are grandkids involved. I know. I am sorry that you can't prevent it in this instance.

 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Elona

[Shoeless]

Ignore her. It's the only way to sort of win this.

If you spell out rules for the day, she won't listen and will create drama about how mean you are. Then she gets to be the poor old lady who just want to celebrate her grandkid, but her mean, mean daughter has all these rules. 

Let her make a fool of herself. If it rains and she tantrums at the gate, so be it. It's not your problem. You don't have a ticket for her. 

If she posts pictures, you can ask her to take them down. If the ceremony is in public, there isn't much you can do to stop her, though. 

[footballmom]

3 minutes ago, Elona said:

Also, NPD's don't respect boundaries, no matter how clearly they are laid out. That's one of the most upsetting things. As noted above, greyrock as much as you can. Kind but firm communication, only when you must, and no response when you don't have to. I am sure you must feel upset and anxious about this and wish there was a way to prevent her attendance & any catastrophe. It's really hard when dealing with them when there are grandkids involved. I know. I am sorry that you can't prevent it in this instance.

 

This is exactly it.  I’m trying to stay centered and not let my anxiety over what she might pull take away joy on my child’s special day.  

[prairiewindmomma]

I am team ignore also. If you mention boundaries like photos, etc. it’s like telling her exactly what she can do to cause drama.

[Elona]

5 minutes ago, footballmom said:

This is exactly it.  I’m trying to stay centered and not let my anxiety over what she might pull take away joy on my child’s special day.  

The best advice I can give for that is to just be determined to focus on your child and how proud you are. Her antics are just that HER antics. Separate yourself as much as you can, have a plan to escape if she starts something (for example head for the restroom or car, tell her it was nice of her to come and wave.) Focus your planning on your own actions which you can control. Remind yourself that 99% of the things we worry about don't happen, and the 1% that does you are strong and resourceful and can handle.

[gardenmom5]

32 minutes ago, Elona said:

Also, NPD's don't respect boundaries, no matter how clearly they are laid out. That's one of the most upsetting things. As noted above, greyrock as much as you can. Kind but firm communication, only when you must, and no response when you don't have to. I am sure you must feel upset and anxious about this and wish there was a way to prevent her attendance & any catastrophe. It's really hard when dealing with them when there are grandkids involved. I know. I am sorry that you can't prevent it in this instance.

 

they don't respect them, they make them angry, they challenge their power - and that is a cardinal sin in their lexicon.
You just erect a boundary - you do NOT announce a boundary, you "just do it".

 

28 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Ignore her. It's the only way to sort of win this.

If you spell out rules for the day, she won't listen and will create drama about how mean you are. Then she gets to be the poor old lady who just want to celebrate her grandkid, but her mean, mean daughter has all these rules. 

Let her make a fool of herself. If it rains and she tantrums at the gate, so be it. It's not your problem. You don't have a ticket for her. 

If she posts pictures, you can ask her to take them down. If the ceremony is in public, there isn't much you can do to stop her, though. 

I remember the line from something I saw many years ago - and it fits perfectly.

"The only way to win, is to refuse to give it battle".   NPD's LOVE "battle".  It's "drama" - they live for drama. if she tries to provoke a reaction - gray rock.  be boring.  Boring doesn't give her supply -so she will try to escalate.  if you keep being boring - eventually she'll give up.

If she doesn't' take the pix down on FB - you can. report. her.

We'll understand if you pray for rain.  but it does depend how much of a hard case the "door guard" is if she can sweet talk her way through or not.

 

[Shoeless]

51 minutes ago, MissLemon said:

Ignore her. It's the only way to sort of win this.

If you spell out rules for the day, she won't listen and will create drama about how mean you are. Then she gets to be the poor old lady who just want to celebrate her grandkid, but her mean, mean daughter has all these rules. 

Let her make a fool of herself. If it rains and she tantrums at the gate, so be it. It's not your problem. You don't have a ticket for her. 

If she posts pictures, you can ask her to take them down. If the ceremony is in public, there isn't much you can do to stop her, though. 

Quoting myself to add: she's probably got you convinced that whatever she does *is* your problem. That's how she gets what she wants, by putting pressure on people to meet her emotional needs. But it really, really isn't your problem if she pitches a fit at the school. You didn't invite her. If she doesn't get in and feels some sort of way about that, it's 100% her problem to sort out, no matter how hard she tries to convince you otherwise.

[Ellie]

1 hour ago, gardenmom5 said:

"The only way to win, is to refuse to give it battle".   NPD's LOVE "battle".  It's "drama" - they live for drama. if she tries to provoke a reaction - gray rock.  be boring

Sounds like a paraphrase from "WarGames," where Matthew Broderick engaged the WAPLER in a game of tic-tac-to, so it would understand that the only way to win was not to play. 🙂

[Rosie_0801]

2 hours ago, footballmom said:

This is exactly it.  I’m trying to stay centered and not let my anxiety over what she might pull take away joy on my child’s special day.  

Your upset is the most likely to take away joy from your child on their special day, because they care more about you than their grandmother's shenanigans. Ignore her text, roll your eyes and go look for bean dip if she turns up and carries on, and let her boast as much as she likes to her buddies. Don't interfere if the security guard tries to toss her out. 😉

[Tanaqui]

Graduation ceremonies are boring. I may have said here before that I only attended my own high school graduation under duress, and I still regret the choice. SO BORING, and my sister and foster sister forgot to put on adequate sunscreen and both burned terribly. Serves them right - they're the ones who argued me into going on the grounds of "But your/our grandmother came out!", and it's not like I didn't remind them beforehand that sunburns are a thing that happen to very fair-skinned people. Not that they ought to have needed me to remind them.

So my advice is to call the *school* and tell them that none of you will be attending due to their lax security procedures. Because really, this is on the school. You are not the first nor only family with a problematic family member, and you certainly won't be the last. Plenty of students have family members who will gatecrash with the intention of doing *worse* than simply being a bother - and if you're in America, I feel it would be remiss not to point out that some of those angry family members might be armed. The school needs to make all ceremonies of this sort ticketed, in some sort of area that has clear entrances and exits.

And then go to the beach or something instead, avoid the drama.

(You're not going to follow the beach part of the advice, I can see that now. Nobody ever does, although it's excellent advice. My second best advice is not to reply to your mother at all, but please *do* contact the school, just as I said. This situation is really unacceptable.)

[Indigo Blue]

My NPD just used lies, manipulation, and  tactics to GET OUT of having to go to my son’s college graduation. (It’s a long story). I never expected her to come. I secretly did not want her to come. I never asked her to come. I believe she just felt obligated to because she had just attended my niece’s (favorite grandchild) ceremony. She kept pledging to come and saying how much she wanted to be there. Days before his graduation, she suddenly said couldn’t make it. Oh well, she said, I’m too old to make it up all those stairs, anyway. She still works full time cleaning office spaces with stairs. I’ve seen people at graduation ceremonies in wheelchairs. Funny her legs seemed to work just fine at my niece’s ceremony. 
 

And just a side note…..she and niece had a big argument. It was their first ever. The grandchild that once was so highly regarded is now being fiercely triangulated. (Another long story). 

ETA: I just reread and it sounds like I have been bitter about my niece. I’m not. I just wanted to point out what NPDs do. The whole thing is very sad and unfortunate, with a lot of history. When things blew up, she sucked me in and wanted to vent. Stupid me. I ended up getting screamed at…..for not being compassionate enough to her distress. 

I agree with ignoring the whole thing and focusing on making sure the day is happy and pleasant for your child. 

Edited May 31, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[SKL]

Yeah I agree with just not saying anything.  If it rains, she will find out soon enough that she is out.  She probably already knows that if she's been researching.

I don't think it's necessary to tell her not to post your kids' photos.  It's not protecting your kids from anything.

[Ellie]

3 minutes ago, SKL said:

I don't think it's necessary to tell her not to post your kids' photos.  It's not protecting your kids from anything.

This. And also, she won't comply anyway, so don't waste your breath. It will just give her more opportunity to argue with you.

[footballmom]

Thank you, each, for the insight, advice and support.  I was feeling angry and wanted to try to regain a sense of calm / control and you are all right - engaging her and giving her supply is the last thing I need to do.

I’m going to go team grey rock and focus on my oldest.  And try to not eat all my feelings lol.