If you are dreading Mother’s Day…

[Rosie_0801]

9 minutes ago, happi duck said:

I relate to this!  Fight or flight...bleh!  I have people in my life who think fight or flight is a choice...ugh!  It makes it a million times worse to deal with.

I've learned to negotiate with a couple of my ptsd reactions, so I think it is possible to **very slowly** learn to build a little space in there. I can't stop them, but I can (sometimes) fiddle them a bit to do less damage.
 

[Indigo Blue]

27 minutes ago, popmom said:

Oh I’ll mess it up. Please do the honors. I looked it up but couldn’t find that exact phrase. I found another one tho. 😱

Oh, no, I was asking @Rosie_0801if she wanted to! She’s the one who explained it to me. She’ll do a better job. I’ll do it if she doesn’t, though. 🤣

[Rosie_0801]

6 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Oh, no, I was asking @Rosie_0801if she wanted to! She’s the one who explained it to me. She’ll do a better job. I’ll do it if she doesn’t, though. 🤣

I wouldn't dream of appropriating your moment of glory.

[popmom]

12 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

Oh, no, I was asking @Rosie_0801if she wanted to! She’s the one who explained it to me. She’ll do a better job. I’ll do it if she doesn’t, though. 🤣

 

4 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I wouldn't dream of appropriating your moment of glory.

I’m really scared rn 

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

Exactly! I’m on the web scouring whether I’m passive aggressive and manipulative. 😭 Because I don’t trust myself. I’m perpetually confused and constantly second guessing myself. 

Perhaps there are two things going herein. One the commiseration that it’s a huge holiday and many of us don’t like reminders of it due to traumatic associations. Then there’s suggestions about how some of us try to manage the day to lessen the impact of those feelings. 
 

OP I hope you don’t feel any of my replies were “glib.” Glib was definitely not my intention. 

[Grace Hopper]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

Is this why my ANA panel came back positive? 
 

I appreciate what you are saying. Thank you for the reminder. Very wise. I can do those actions, but I can’t stop my body from going into fight or flight. Not yet. 

 

1 hour ago, Rosie_0801 said:

That sure takes practice.

 

It's going to be part of it, I'm sure. 

 

53 minutes ago, happi duck said:

I relate to this!  Fight or flight...bleh!  I have people in my life who think fight or flight is a choice...ugh!  It makes it a million times worse to deal with.

 

40 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

I've learned to negotiate with a couple of my ptsd reactions, so I think it is possible to **very slowly** learn to build a little space in there. I can't stop them, but I can (sometimes) fiddle them a bit to do less damage.
 

This info has probably come up in other threads so forgive if this is repetitive. I recently read The Body Keeps the Score and it detailed this overstimulated fight-or-flight response with regard to PTSD. It cited studies on EMDR as an effective treatment. Maybe worth asking your counselor about, @popmom?

 

 

[Indigo Blue]

If you are spending a lot of time worrying about what someone thinks or whether their opinion matters, you have to ask yourself, “Does so and so paint your dunny door?” 

Rosie said this and I asked her what is a dunny door? She said it’s an outhouse door. (Australian term).

So unless someone is paying your bills or has other reasons to have a say in your life, you shouldn’t worry about it. They don’t paint your dunny door. 

As I was checking to make sure I had things straight, I read that Paul Hogan once said that he’s as Australian as a slab off a dunny door. 😂

Ok. Now back to the MD topic. 

(This dunny door needs painting).

Edited April 27, 2022 by Indigo Blue

[Grace Hopper]

41 minutes ago, Indigo Blue said:

If you are spending a lot of time worrying about what someone thinks or whether their opinion matters, you have to ask yourself, “Does so and so paint your dunny door?” 

Rosie said this and I asked her what is a dunny door? She said it’s an outhouse door. (Australian term).

So unless someone is paying your bills or has other reasons to have a say in your life, you shouldn’t worry about it. They don’t paint your dunny door. 

As I was checking to make sure I had things straight, I read that Paul Hogan once said that he’s as Australian as a slab off a dunny door. 😂

Ok. Now back to the MD topic. 

(This dunny door needs painting).

Complete with visual aids! Brilliant! 😂

[Shoeless]

1 hour ago, Grace Hopper said:

Perhaps there are two things going herein. One the commiseration that it’s a huge holiday and many of us don’t like reminders of it due to traumatic associations. Then there’s suggestions about how some of us try to manage the day to lessen the impact of those feelings. 
 

OP I hope you don’t feel any of my replies were “glib.” Glib was definitely not my intention. 

This. 

My response wasn't to be glib or say "Just get over it!". I know the path you are on, @popmom. It's a hard one to walk. I am at the end of that path, so I be have a different perspective. 

There was a solid 2 years where I was an utter misery to be around because all I could do was feel sorry for myself, and rant and ruminate about my family of origin. I thought about my family every.single.day. It felt compulsive and I needed that to stop for my own mental health.

I don't do that anymore, (or at least, I make a big effort not to discuss family of origin stuff). I had do a hard reset on holidays and all of the talk about my relatives. It was a conscious, active, intentional thing to stop talking about them and stop thinking about them.

My mom has issues. I don't know why. I don't understand why she is the way she is. She just *is*, and no amount of pondering the past or bitching about the present will change our relationship. There are no new words or thoughts that will make everything make sense.  I had to repeat words like that to myself many, many times until I believed them.

I wish I had a mom that loved me and was warm and kind. I don't, and nothing I  control will change that fact. I am not happy about that, but it no longer dominates my thinking. 

[popmom]

@Grace Hopper @MissLemon I appreciate y’all. That absolutely makes sense.   I do a LOT of ruminating, but I really try not to rant—except on here. 😂 i commented on another thread—I’m really mostly ok because I am intentionally practicing gratitude. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I know that indifference would be better for my mental health—and that’s really what I want—but I still care too much (cringes). But yes the ruminating is so unhealthy. I have stretches when I’m okay and then something happens—like finding out I’ve been blocked on my dad’s phone. 

[Shoeless]

38 minutes ago, popmom said:

@Grace Hopper @MissLemon I appreciate y’all. That absolutely makes sense.   I do a LOT of ruminating, but I really try not to rant—except on here. 😂 i commented on another thread—I’m really mostly ok because I am intentionally practicing gratitude. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I know that indifference would be better for my mental health—and that’s really what I want—but I still care too much (cringes). But yes the ruminating is so unhealthy. I have stretches when I’m okay and then something happens—like finding out I’ve been blocked on my dad’s phone. 

I understand, truly. My sister said something the other day that absolutely ticked me off. It was an innocent statement, but there's all this history and context to go along with it, and I was like "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!!!" I was crabby for a day and a half about what she said, until I told myself "You've grumped about it enough. Wrap it up". 

Giving myself a finite amount of time to be angry, sad, etc helped break me out of ruminating. Usually, I'm just stewing in my own juices and nothing productive is coming from it.

[Melissa in Australia]

8 hours ago, Indigo Blue said:

If you are spending a lot of time worrying about what someone thinks or whether their opinion matters, you have to ask yourself, “Does so and so paint your dunny door?” 

Rosie said this and I asked her what is a dunny door? She said it’s an outhouse door. (Australian term).

So unless someone is paying your bills or has other reasons to have a say in your life, you shouldn’t worry about it. They don’t paint your dunny door. 

As I was checking to make sure I had things straight, I read that Paul Hogan once said that he’s as Australian as a slab off a dunny door. 😂

Ok. Now back to the MD topic. 

(This dunny door needs painting).

first year of marriage we had a dunny. it didn't have a door at all. but it was an improvement form what dh was using before we got married. it didn't have walls or a roof then.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

Sending lots of hugs to those of us who dread this day for one reason or another. I hope we all find a way to make it through.

[Indigo Blue]

8 hours ago, popmom said:

That absolutely makes sense.   I do a LOT of ruminating, but I really try not to rant—except on here. 😂 i commented on another thread—I’m really mostly ok because I am intentionally practicing gratitude. I really do have so much to be thankful for. I know that indifference would be better for my mental health—and that’s really what I want—but I still care too much (cringes). But yes the ruminating is so unhealthy. I have stretches when I’m okay and then something happens

Same. I could have written this. 

I had a thought the other day. One that I had never thought before. Think about this…….

Say you are around a few people all day who are basically unassuming, nice, easy going, peaceful. You come home and say what a nice day it was today. 

Say you are around a few people all day and one or more of them (with whom you have a long history or even a new person who is surprisingly unpleasant and shocks you with their behavior) does something passive aggressive or aggressive aggressive when you feel you were being perfectly polite and doing nothing to upset anyone. You might think about it and when you get home you tell your friend, husband, or neighbor what a terrible thing Betty said or did today. This is a normal thing to do and doesn’t make you a bad person.  But my thought is….look how that toxicity spreads onto other people. And then it affects you and brings you down to a place where you are basically letting it spread from you to someone else. Then it’s all over you, and whomever you tell also becomes shocked and angry, and it spreads onto them. You’re rightfully venting to someone, but if you think about it, you’re filled with extensions of that person’s negativity and volatility. 

Im not saying we shouldn’t stand up for ourselves or call out unfair or bad behavior, but just look at how it spreads. Just like poison ivy from person to person. 

Just an observation.

 

[Dmmetler]

14 hours ago, Sneezyone said:

Sure, but unless you plan to crawl into a hole for months at a time, you're going to encounter holidays and situations that you do not enjoy while everyone else does, whether they be the death of a parent/sibling/friend/child or something else. Life goes on. Pick a strategy that works for you.

One of the problems, though, is that when you have grief specifically associated with a holiday, it adds an extra layer of guilt. Not only are YOU not enjoying it, but guilt for affecting others. 
 

For me, Christmas is hard due to my son’s death. For years, that meant that we traveled over the holidays, which let someone else handle decorating and all the joy, etc, but I both had fewer triggers and felt less guilty for depriving my family (it’s hard to feel like your child is being deprived of Christmas joy when they’re getting to spend the day at Disney World, for example). This past Christmas was actually the best family Christmas we ever had. I’m already looking at options for my “flight” next year, because I sure as heck don’t want to be home!
 

 

 

[mommyoffive]

Whelp due to a bunch of things I am going to be spending the day with my mother.  It is a belated family Easter get together and due to dh and a different family member's travel we had to put it off and this is the only weekend that works.  I am not looking forward to this at all.   I haven't had to spend Mother's day with her for over a decade.  I am sure the day will consist of her never speaking to me, acting like the best grandmother in the world, and no mention of me being a mother at all.  Should be fun! 😉

[happi duck]

Just got an email from a company (Charlotte's Web) giving me the option to opt out of MD emails!  I appreciate that so much and hope more companies do that too!

[Kassia]

22 minutes ago, happi duck said:

Just got an email from a company (Charlotte's Web) giving me the option to opt out of MD emails!  I appreciate that so much and hope more companies do that too!

I've seen other companies do that as well and I've messaged them to thank them.  ❤️   I also complained to one company that I thought was especially insensitive to those of us who have lost mothers or who have strained relationships.  

[mommyoffive]

2 hours ago, happi duck said:

Just got an email from a company (Charlotte's Web) giving me the option to opt out of MD emails!  I appreciate that so much and hope more companies do that too!

Oh that is really cool.  I haven't seen that before.  They should do it for Father's Day too.    I too have huge issues with Father's Day.