Night Elf Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) My DH and I are having dinner tonight with my ex-husband and his wife, who I don't like very much. My ex wanted to sit down and catch up because it has been years since we've talked. Yeah, there's a reason for that. You two are nuts! I hate the way they've treated our daughter, but at the same time thankful because she came to live with me full-time when she was 14 years old. We have been extremely close since then. That makes me very happy. I love that my DH and I have modeled a happy, healthy marriage to her, especially now that she's about to be married herself. Her relationship with her fiancee is more like my relationship with my DH and less like her dad and stepmom's relationship which I won't even get into. So tonight I have to put on a happy face and be pleased to see them and listen to them talk and answer their questions which I know they'll ask. They're nosy busybodies. Ugh. I was already trying to figure out how to deal with them during the wedding festivities, and now I'm having dinner with them. Without our daughter to smooth things over. When I talked with him on the phone, I told him I had just paid the remaining balance on the wedding venue. He said that was great but he didn't want to talk money. So hopefully money won't be part of the discussion at dinner. I can do this. I'll be fine. Hopefully. UPDATE: We had such a good time! It wasn't awkward at all. They've truly mellowed over the years. We laughed about all kinds of things and it was truly enjoyable. We stayed at the restaurant 2+ hours and would have been happy to stay longer but they had to drive an hour to get back home. Edited March 12, 2022 by Night Elf Adding Update 17 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 So why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this if you don't want to? 15 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bambam Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 No is a complete sentence. If there are things you need to talk over re the wedding, an email or texts should be sufficient. I don't see why you would meet these people for dinner. But if you do, just because people ask questions does NOT mean you have to answer them. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 24 minutes ago, regentrude said: So why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this if you don't want to? I agree. Does your ex-husband wants to walk his daughter down the aisle and claim the father-daughter dance? I’ll pick an extremely genteel dinner place with nice “bouncers”. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 Why on earth would you do this? Is this something you used to do regularly, and you’re reviving an old tradition/friendship between the four of you? I would not do it. I’d cancel tonight, and any future plans would include DD at a minimum, but most likely I’d keep any communication to text, email, phone. I come from a divorced family, and I’m a stepmom to an amazing adult son that I helped raise, so I’m not a stranger to navigating life with exes. Everything can be amicable and just fine without the need for private dinners. Unless it’s something all four of you genuinely enjoy. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 11, 2022 Author Share Posted March 11, 2022 36 minutes ago, regentrude said: So why on earth are you subjecting yourself to this if you don't want to? Because it's the polite thing to do for the sake of our daughter. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 11, 2022 Author Share Posted March 11, 2022 10 minutes ago, Arcadia said: I agree. Does your ex-husband wants to walk his daughter down the aisle and claim the father-daughter dance? I’ll pick an extremely genteel dinner place with nice “bouncers”. Oh he's going to walk her down the aisle. He was actually hesitant to ask our dd how she felt about that because of her relationship with my DH, her stepdad. She loves her stepdad but he doesn't replace her dad anymore than her stepmom replaces me despite what that woman tried to tell her. So yes, ex will be walking her down the aisle. My DH is totally fine with that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 4 minutes ago, Night Elf said: Because it's the polite thing to do for the sake of our daughter. Why is it "polite" to have dinner with somebody you don't like? "I am sorry, that won't work for me" is a polite way of declining an invitation. Any communication can be held through electronic means. Or if a meeting in person is truly necessary, over coffee. But hey, you do you. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 11, 2022 Author Share Posted March 11, 2022 5 minutes ago, Spryte said: Why on earth would you do this? Is this something you used to do regularly, and you’re reviving an old tradition/friendship between the four of you? I would not do it. I’d cancel tonight, and any future plans would include DD at a minimum, but most likely I’d keep any communication to text, email, phone. I come from a divorced family, and I’m a stepmom to an amazing adult son that I helped raise, so I’m not a stranger to navigating life with exes. Everything can be amicable and just fine without the need for private dinners. Unless it’s something all four of you genuinely enjoy. We have done it in the past, but it was a long time ago. My ex and I had a joint custody arrangement for our dd so we were used to working together. Before he got married, he'd come over and have dinner with us and play video games with my DH. We all genuinely had a good time. But once he remarried, she ran the household. She has a very dominant personality but I think she has chilled as she's gotten older. She's like 15 years older than I am. She tried to get my dd to call her mom and dd kept telling her she wasn't her mom. I had already told my ex I would never have our dd call my DH dad. So it didn't make sense to me that dd's stepmom insisted on being "mom". The two of them fought a lot. I'm not surprised. Their personalities clash and I'm amazed they have stayed together as long as they have. I still have fond feelings for my ex. He was a good husband and is a great father. We divorced because we just weren't headed in the same direction. We didn't have the same goals. I really married too young, not allowing myself to decide who I was as an adult and what was important to me. He is 8 years older so he was more settled down. I just had stars in my eyes and did everything he wanted to do to please him. That didn't last long. I grew up in our marriage and found myself unsatisfied. So the happy face I'm putting on is for her his wife, not for him. I call the two of them nuts because they just don't seem to make a pair, but who am I to judge what makes him happy. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 Ok, whatever works for you! If it’s uncomfortable, but you still want to do it, why not invite your DD to dinner with all of her parents? No need to answer, just an idea to give you all a place to focus love and attention when things get awkward. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 Until your most recent post, covering more amicable circumstances, I was very suspicious of what "catching up" could entail. I mean, it sounded like something unpleasant was going to be sprung on you. If I were in your shoes, I would have to prepare with some brainstorming. What topics could possibly be involved in the "catching up"? What responses should I practice for off-limits topics? What inconsequential conversations could I start to steer away from off-limits subjects? Stuff like that. And of course all of that would fly out of my head in the moment and I'd be left stammering, but my "pre-game jitters" would insist I try to prepare anyway. I hope it goes well and is pleasant for everyone. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 34 minutes ago, Night Elf said: Because it's the polite thing to do for the sake of our daughter. I admire you for being willing to do this for her sake, especially with her wedding on the horizon. No one is expecting you to be besties, but the ability and willingness to maintain a polite and familial relationship is going to be important as your daughter forms her own family, which will inevitably encompass both her parents and their partners. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pitterpatter Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 If this is something you want to do, why "put on" a happy face? Show him your real happy face. Let him feel your hard-won happiness radiate from you. Don't try to make him happy. Just let the happy that you have now show. Otherwise, the experience will take you to a dark place. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lecka Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 (edited) I would not put myself through this, to be honest. It is easy to think there is an obligation but really there is not! Edit: honestly I think an adult daughter can deal, and it can send a message to an adult daughter “you are allowed to have boundaries.” Edit: my parents are divorced and my husband and I are on track to stay married — and I just feel like there is a lot of obligation modeled where daughters are doing what they are raised to do, but moms are doing what they think they are supposed to do. And in the meantime an adult man does whatever he wants with no consequence. But maybe that is just me! If it were real in my family that we could be “the happy extended 20th century family,” that would be different, but it involves a lot of people putting on an act while others get an ego boost, and I just can’t participate any longer, even at the expense of one of my sisters who seems to not have any ambivalence about people smiling and pretending to get along at great personal cost. I used to do it for her sake, but I can’t anymore. But definitely sister is different than mother! Edited March 11, 2022 by Lecka 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Annie G Posted March 11, 2022 Share Posted March 11, 2022 My oldest Dd is from my first marriage and both ex and I have been remarried for 30+ years. We see each other at grandkids’ sports games, the occasional event at dd’s house, etc. Probably see each other a dozen or so times a year. We chit chat when we get together, and everything is fine. However, I would never want to socialize with him and his wife. Our relationship is strictly because we share a daughter and four grandkids. You’re definitely going above and beyond, and I hope you’re doing it because you want to, not because you feel obligated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 12, 2022 Author Share Posted March 12, 2022 Update in OP. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Spryte Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 Glad it went well! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Innisfree Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 I'm glad you had fun. It sure didn't sound like that was going to happen! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kanin Posted March 12, 2022 Share Posted March 12, 2022 9 hours ago, Night Elf said: UPDATE: We had such a good time! It wasn't awkward at all. They've truly mellowed over the years. We laughed about all kinds of things and it was truly enjoyable. We stayed at the restaurant 2+ hours and would have been happy to stay longer but they had to drive an hour to get back home. This is awesome! Such a great example of how people can change. It's great that you went and were able to experience that 🙂 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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