Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 (edited) Thanks y'all, I deleted the post because I think I have enough responses to stop feeling guilty over this. 🙂 Edited February 19, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EKS Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 You're not being unreasonable. 2 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mrs Tiggywinkle Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Does she feel like he’s a family dog, or does she believe that he’s hers since she found him and asked to rescue him? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but it does sound like DD thinks it’s her dog, not a family dog. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 (edited) Frankly she sounds a bit immature to be getting married just from this little snippet. Does she work? Does she attend school? Could you offer to get a puppy (or maybe a pair of kittens if they are gone more) as a wedding gift? As the parent, I'd be more worried about the transition of the young teen losing a sibling AND a beloved dog living at home even if he isn't as verbal about it. Edited February 19, 2022 by catz 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 I think in this case elaborate explanations will not help. Keep your list of reasons to a minimum, and all related to the fact that the dog is the family's dog, not her personal dog. "Fluffy is the family dog, and she will be staying here." I think the most powerful phrase is "family dog." I'm sorry. 5 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristin0713 Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 The dog should stay with you. Dogs are pack animals and your family plus the other dog is his pack. It would be wrong to uproot him and hurt the rest of the family and the other dog. Your DD will adjust to married life without the dog. It is great to be newly married with no one and nothing to take care of!! But if they both want to, maybe they can get a puppy or adopt an older dog together. 10 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Harriet Vane Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 The other factor that breaks my heart is that the dog will be alone all day while your dd and her husband are at work. 6 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Mrs Tiggywinkle said: Does she feel like he’s a family dog, or does she believe that he’s hers since she found him and asked to rescue him? I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, but it does sound like DD thinks it’s her dog, not a family dog. She knows he isn't just hers, like she knows that. Idk, it is complicated. Read my reply below this too and maybe it will help... 7 minutes ago, catz said: Frankly she sounds a bit immature to be getting married just from this little snippet. Does she work? Does she attend school? Could you offer to get a puppy (or maybe a pair of kittens if they are gone more) as a wedding gift? As the parent, I'd be more worried about the transition of the young teen losing a sibling AND a beloved dog living at home. She is very mature in most areas. Yes, she does work and she also has her own business as well. She just isn't reasonable when it comes to this one area. I can't explain it. She is emotional and unreasonable. That isn't her norm at all in most areas. ETA: she has always been overly emotional with anything animal related. It is weird because in every other area she is very logical. She has gotten better with age but when it comes to animals specifically, all logic goes out the door haha. Edited February 19, 2022 by Ann.without.an.e Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 It sounds like he is a family dog and that her expectations are a bit off. So, I think the best advice is that anytime it comes up simply say, ' he is a family dog and will be staying with the rest of us. This is no longer up for discussion.' An adult mature enough to get married should be able to get over the hurt that is involved in leaving the family dog. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 1 minute ago, Harriet Vane said: The other factor that breaks my heart is that the dog will be alone all day while your dd and her husband are at work. Exactly, as it stands right now, once she moves she will have over an hour commute each way and he will be alone all day. Granted, she only goes to the office 3 days a week but still, he is used to being here with us all day and getting 3-4 walks and outside time. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KSera Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Is she on the spectrum? That’s how this comes across to me. I agree with making it clear he’s part of the family pack and I would suggest they get a pet to start their lives together, as it sounds like she gets a lot of comfort from that and might need the emotional support qualities of a pet at this time in her life. I would honestly be a bit concerned about someone having that degree of trepidation about leaving home to get married. A little is one thing, but this sounds like more than that. It’s one of the things that made me ask if she might be on the spectrum. The fact that it’s your son and not her that do the majority of the care would be one more factor that would make it a big no to me. My kid on the spectrum is like this. Considers the family dog “hers” but doesn’t do any of the actual care. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 9 minutes ago, kristin0713 said: It is great to be newly married with no one and nothing to take care of!! But if they both want to, maybe they can get a puppy or adopt an older dog together. See, I 100% agree with this. I think it will be good for her to not have anything else to care for at first. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Have you stressed to her how unfair it would be to the dog and harmful to his wellbeing?, 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Selkie Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Since it isn't her dog, I would just refuse. I think it's pretty ridiculous of her to think she could just take the family dog. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 2 minutes ago, KSera said: Is she on the spectrum? That’s how this comes across to me. I agree with making it clear he’s part of the family pack and I would suggest they get a pet to start their lives together, as it sounds like she gets a lot of comfort from that and might need the emotional support qualities of a pet at this time in her life. I would honestly be a bit concerned about someone having that degree of trepidation about leaving home to get married. A little is one thing, but this sounds like more than that. It’s one of the things that made me ask if she might be on the spectrum. The fact that it’s your son and not her that do the majority of the care would be one more factor that would make it a big no to me. My kid on the spectrum is like this. Considers the family dog “hers” but doesn’t do any of the actual care. I don't think so because it is just this one area where she struggles. If I was judging just off of this then I'd say yes haha. But I know the overall picture and I have to say no. She does battle some anxiety but she's been working through that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Agreeing with the others; the dog stays at your home. She and her husband can get their own dog. She will get over it rather quickly. Don't worry or stress about it anymore. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Faith-manor Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 I feel like the best approach in this is to discuss what is best for the dog. Poor doggie cannot consent to the outcome, it simply happens to him. Therefore as owners, we have a responsibility to the vulnerable animal to do the best we can for that fur baby within our means. The soul that requires the most consideration her is doggie. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sneezyone Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Simple is best. NO. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
livetoread Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 Getting married is huge, and my guess is this has way more to do with all sorts of issues only tangential to the dog. She'll probably understand that later. I am a pretty logical person who was thrilled to get married and I had some weirdness going on before the wedding for sure, lol. Those who loved me were patient with me and I got over it. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 1 minute ago, Faith-manor said: I feel like the best approach in this is to discuss what is best for the dog. Poor doggie cannot consent to the outcome, it simply happens to him. Therefore as owners, we have a responsibility to the vulnerable animal to do the best we can for that fur baby within our means. The soul that requires the most consideration her is doggie. TBH it will be hard on him either way. He is very close to dd and will miss her terribly. I actually don't feel 100% confident in what is best for him. I thought about suggesting that he go home with her one night a week to start and see where he seems happiest? But then that leaves younger ds totally out of the equation with little regard for his feelings at all. And, it just makes it harder on her if we ultimately decide he stays here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
happi duck Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 My dh's older brother took the family dog when he got married. It was terrible! Very unfair to the dog and dh. I truly hope the dog stays put. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 2 minutes ago, livetoread said: Getting married is huge, and my guess is this has way more to do with all sorts of issues only tangential to the dog. She'll probably understand that later. I am a pretty logical person who was thrilled to get married and I had some weirdness going on before the wedding for sure, lol. Those who loved me were patient with me and I got over it. I've wondered about this. This girl hates change, more than your average person. She is very sentimental, very attached to home, very much doesn't want to leave home even though she knows it is time and her fiance is the one. She wants a life with her fiancé for sure and there is a part of her that is excited to start that life but there is another part that I can tell isn't looking forward to so much change overall. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 I think saying more about her having anxiety and problems with change would make me want to bring that up with her if she starts acting weird. This could definitely be a control what you can about a situation anxiety response and she may not recognize as such. If she starts acting weird, I think calling it out as directly as possible and offering help in that regard might at least help disarm the you're terrible for withholding MY dog mindset "Suzie, you know Butch is the family dog and Billy will be heartbroken if he loses the dog and you all at once. That is not fair on anyone especially the dog. You seem stressed and anxious about this transition though. Are you ok? Do you want to talk? Maybe it's time to consider change X in anxiety treatment ...." 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann.without.an.e Posted February 19, 2022 Author Share Posted February 19, 2022 16 minutes ago, catz said: I think saying more about her having anxiety and problems with change would make me want to bring that up with her if she starts acting weird. This could definitely be a control what you can about a situation anxiety response and she may not recognize as such. If she starts acting weird, I think calling it out as directly as possible and offering help in that regard might at least help disarm the you're terrible for withholding MY dog mindset "Suzie, you know Butch is the family dog and Billy will be heartbroken if he loses the dog and you all at once. That is not fair on anyone especially the dog. You seem stressed and anxious about this transition though. Are you ok? Do you want to talk? Maybe it's time to consider change X in anxiety treatment ...." This is a great thought, thanks for sharing. She does tend to grasp for control when she's anxious and she knows that about herself and is aware and works on it when she is aware but I don't know that any of us have connected the dots in this area, we're too focused on the dog and emotions but you're right. It is much deeper and I think you've hit the nail on the head here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 I totally get it Ann! We have some anxiety over here too and it has been really helpful to name anxiety responses here for all of us. ❤️ 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kristin0713 Posted February 19, 2022 Share Posted February 19, 2022 59 minutes ago, Ann.without.an.e said: TBH it will be hard on him either way. He is very close to dd and will miss her terribly. I actually don't feel 100% confident in what is best for him. I thought about suggesting that he go home with her one night a week to start and see where he seems happiest? But then that leaves younger ds totally out of the equation with little regard for his feelings at all. And, it just makes it harder on her if we ultimately decide he stays here. It would be harder for him to be taken from his pack and spend lonely days at home than for one of his pack to leave. He will adjust, especially with the other dog. Also it would be super hard on your other dog. 1 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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