Social Rules for Dummies - Is there a book like this?

[shawthorne44]

 

Yesterday I had to explain to DD aged 11 that she shouldn't insult food that she doesn't like because people that like that food might be offended.    For example, she likes the dark brownish pears, but hates the yellow pears and she was talking about how disgusting they are.   It occurred to me that you guys might know of a book that has these rules written down.   I would guess that 'spectrum' kids might need these rules.    I don't need one of the books that gives advice on proper Thank You note formats.  I was thinking of the more basic rules that most people don't need explained.  

I'd put myself in the normal-range, but on the clueless, slightly socially-dysfunctional end.   So, I love social rules to keep me out of trouble.  DH has an intuitive understanding of social things, but he can't explain them ahead of time.   

 

[daijobu]

Unwritten Rules of Friendship

[Brittany1116]

Not a book but someone was vocally grossed out about something my then 9 year old liked, and he responded with "don't yuck someone else's yum".

[Brittany1116]

OTOH, I do hope that my kids won't grow up to actually be offended that someone has different food preferences. Sure, let's foster tactfulness and a polite "no thank you" when warranted, but offense over tastes is something I would like to avoid. 

[kiwik]

It is an odd thing to be offended by unless you are saying Thai food is disgusting or grandma's cooking is disgusting.

[Sk8ermaiden]

Saying food is disgusting when other people eat/like that food is rude. Just like saying, say, animal prints are hideous when you know full well there are people in the world who like and wear them. All you need to say is that YOU don't like them.

That said, I am very hard to offend, myself. But I still teach my children how to be polite.

[kristin0713]

I think this is one of those things that is learned at home or from peer influence. My dad always had a rule that we weren't to criticize what other people were eating. Then when I got married, I was shocked to see my MIL frequently criticize others' food choices. She would make faces and say things were disgusting. It was so off-putting to me and I was really thankful that my dad had been so strict with us about it.  

[Dianthus]

It is always good to remind our kids of manners. I just searched my library online and put several manners/social situation books on hold. I'll let you know if anything is exceptional.

Eeboo cards have several types regarding manners and social situations. I haven't used but have looked at their empathy cards before and think they look like a nice resource. Maybe slightly young but still could be helpful.

If more than "No, thank you" is necessary, "I don't care for that," or "That's not my favorite" sounds so much better than "I don't like that." But always get kids to try things at home. Tastes change and they will like more and more things, but they need to keep trying things to discover this. I have a nearly 16 yr old relative who is extremely picky to the point of rudeness and I find it annoying her parents have not taught her basic manners. She also doesn't say thank you when she opens a gift and her parents laugh it off that "Oh, she's shy." Even my younger kids notice her rudeness.

[73349]

https://www.amazon.com/Asperkids-Secret-Book-Social-Rules/dp/1849059152

 

[shawthorne44]

Thank you so much!    I'll look into the links y'll gave.  

[Ellie]

Judith Martin's "Miss Manners" books are my favorite. And even though it has rules on things like thank-you notes, it's still useful, because etiquette (which is what you're talking about) is complex, too complex to have one exhaustive list of rules.

If you are a guest at someone's home, you don't comment on whether or not you like the food you are being served. You don't have to eat it, though; you stir the food you don't like, and take a bite of the food you do like, stir the food you don't like and take a bite of the food you do like. (Similarly, the hostess should not comment on whether or not you are eating everything on your plate; if she expects you to be a guest again in the future, she'll notice that you aren't eating, say, the yellow pears and will not serve them to you again.)

Are several people casually discussing which food items they like or don't like? Then of course it's ok to say she likes brown pears but not yellow.

[Clarita]

On 2/14/2022 at 7:36 PM, daijobu said:

Unwritten Rules of Friendship

Ooo this looks like just the book I'm looking for, for my two little kiddos.

[LMD]

The how to win friends and influence people did a version for teen/preteen girls too

[jboo]

"Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships" by Temple Grandin and Sean Barron is an interesting broad picture look at things. 

[Dmmetler]

https://www.amazon.com/Social-Rules-Kids-Kids-Succeed/dp/1934575844/ref=sr_1_1?crid=Z112B50ATG5S&keywords=social+rules+for+kids&qid=1645203914&s=books&sprefix=social+rule%2Cstripbooks%2C82&sr=1-1

 

We used this one when L was 8-9. 

[shawthorne44]

Thank you all!    

I've bought every recommendation except for the cards which seemed way to young for an 11-year-old.  

Thinking about this general subject, I've noticed that people with strong social skills have things easier.  

 

[MagistraKennedy]

On 2/16/2022 at 9:03 AM, kristin0713 said:

I think this is one of those things that is learned at home or from peer influence. My dad always had a rule that we weren't to criticize what other people were eating. Then when I got married, I was shocked to see my MIL frequently criticize others' food choices. She would make faces and say things were disgusting. It was so off-putting to me and I was really thankful that my dad had been so strict with us about it.  

Agreed. I have a rule with my kids that they aren't allowed to say food is gross or disgusting, simply 'no thank you.' When they were tiny, if one child said something negative about food, all the rest would chime in, and no one would ever TRY anything new.