Introverts married to extroverts--your thoughts?

[melissel]

I just posted some of this on Jennifer's thread, so just pretend you haven't seen it before :D

 

I'm an introvert, but I also tend a bit toward the social anxiety side. The required emotional resource expenditure before an event makes me mean and snappy. I can usually rise to the occasion while I'm out, but then I do spend a lot of time afterward rehashing it and stressing over stupid things I feel I said and did. I carry those things around with me for a long time too.

 

However, I'm married to a 100% extrovert. I have no problem at all with him going to social events without me. I know he wishes I'd go out with him more, but with the way our home situation is (me working when I don't want to be, taking on all childcare/home duties, my mom as our babysitter), I just don't have much left in me for bar trips and parties, especially those thrown by people I don't know and will probably never see again.

 

So, how much do you allow yourself to say no and stay home? For example, we were invited to a casual holiday party by one of his work colleagues next week, and just thinking about going is making me nauseous and resentful. I don't know her, won't know anyone else there, have nothing nice to wear, am not happy with the way I look these days, am already dealing with stuff with my mom, so to ask her to babysit will be more baggage or will mean cutting back on the coverage I get from her during my work time, etc. Plus, he's very social (in his hometown, he's known as "the mayor"), so I usually end up on my own, making small talk (like torture for me) with people I've never met before, usually putting my foot in my mouth at some point, etc.

 

How much do you feel you owe your spouse, versus protecting yourself in these kinds of situations? I know he'd like to me to go, but in a sense, I feel like he's better off without me anyway, because I tend to stick to him like glue when I can, which doesn't seem fair either.

 

What do you think?

 

TIA!

[newbie]

I think opposites attract.:001_smile:

[melissel]

I think opposites attract.:001_smile:

 

No kidding, right? We always knew we were opposites, but life has really gone on to magnify the difference!

[newbie]

Tell me about it.

[cathmom]

I am an introvert married to an extravert. We did the Myers-Briggs tests while dating and I was INFP and he was ESTJ (I have since changed to INFJ). He was shocked that we were opposites, but the counselor assured him that was good. If you read Dr. Joyce Brothers, she recommends that you marry someone with a similar background and an opposite personality.

 

What has happened in our case is that I have gotten more confident and social, but still require alone time, while he has been depressed for a long time and pretty much does not want to see people except our family. He also sees people every day at work, while I am at home a lot more. He teases me now that I am the extravert and he is the introvert. In the place we lived before, I always said we couldn't go anywhere without running into someone he knew, whereas now, I hardly ever go anywhere without meeting someone I know. People have even recognized me that I don't remember!

 

I think that we have grown more alike in our years together.

 

In your situation, I think your dh needs to understand how you feel and that going to a casual party where you don't know anyone is not fun for you and actually even draining. I think that he should be more willing to go alone if he knows that you will go when it's really important to him.

[dhudson]

Well, I'm the extrovert (ENTJ in Meyers Briggs, ID in Disc) and my dh is an introvert (INFP in Meyers ad SC in Disc) so we are complete opposites. I have had to learn to sit on the couch and just enjoy being in and he has learned to come out with me. We try to keep a nice balance and I sometimes go out with my friends and he stays home and plays video games with the kids (the only time we play video games - "Yeah! Mom's leaving").

 

I don't generally have a problem with my dh staying home so I would just talk to your dh about it, with the babysitting issue you have definite cause to stay in.

Edited December 11, 2008 by dhudson

[elegantlion]

My dh is a extrovert, but not big on socializing, if that makes sense. So we do well together.

[Liz CA]

I just posted some of this on Jennifer's thread, so just pretend you haven't seen it before :D

 

I'm an introvert, but I also tend a bit toward the social anxiety side. The required emotional resource expenditure before an event makes me mean and snappy. I can usually rise to the occasion while I'm out, but then I do spend a lot of time afterward rehashing it and stressing over stupid things I feel I said and did. I carry those things around with me for a long time too.

 

 

What do you think?

 

TIA!

 

Perhaps all the other issues going on right now - your work situation, not enough help with household, etc are weighing on you as well. When I feel resentful I am not good company.

 

I am the introvert married to an extrovert but I have come to enjoy some people. I tell him what people I feel comfortable around and what situations are less than ideal and why. Sometimes he agrees, sometimes he doesn't know what I am talking about.

 

I would try to go to the important events with him. Grab something to eat and hang out by the food where you can always strike up a conversation about what tastes good. But also work on a household plan - who does what chore, what choices do you have in babysitting? Who else other than your mother could help out? What changes can you make to scale down on your job so you don't feel so snowed in?

This may be a long-term plan, one that cannot be implemented overnight but that is on the books to be realized by...fill in the date.

[Rosie_0801]

If your spouse wants you to go out with him, he needs to put more effort into making it an enjoyable experience for you. It's hardly fair to drag you out then leave you in a corner having to make small talk (argh!!)

Rosie

[rafiki]

.

[Christine]

I'm an introvert, but I also tend a bit toward the social anxiety side.

 

However, I'm married to a 100% extrovert.

 

I'm 110% with you here (myself being an introvert and having social anxiety). Although for YEARS DH insisted he was shy and when he got laughed at for that comment enough he tried to claim being an introvert.

 

As a lady just recently commented to him, "If that were true, you have the largest case of overcompensation I've ever encountered!"

 

Now, he's coming around to realising just who he really is.

 

What do you think?

 

My battle buddy from Basic training just lost her husband (he was still in the service). We went to the funeral.

 

Now, in addition to the funeral a luncheon was held afterwards, and we were invited to attend. I mistakenly mentioned this to my husband. . .

 

He said we absolutely just had to go to this. When I commented, no, I thought that was a horrible ide,a he insisted.

 

I can not tell you how miserable I was there. The only person I knew was the grieving widow, who was obviously busy with everyone else. (And my kids who were equally uncomfortable.)

 

DH had a blast. He made so many new friends. . .

 

Goober

 

But, here's the thing. Afterwards he told me it was incredibly painful to him to see me sitting there like a "lump on a log". (I'm quite sure it wasn't nearly so painful for him as it was for me. And I really don't think I looked "lumpy". . .)

 

The good news is, he has just uninvited me from all future social engagements. He said he'd let me know of them as they came up, and if I want to attend to let him know, but under no circumstances should I feel obligated.

 

This is wonderful as there's a wedding reception in July that's been causing me grief. . .

[HCATeach]

I haven't read all the replies (I'm supposed to be addressing Christmas cards ;)), but I wanted to chime in as an introvert married to an extrovert. I think it's important to practice getting out there even though it's uncomfortable. Some things I have learned:

 

1. People aren't worrying about me or even looking at me as much as I think they are. They're more worried about the impression they are making, if they're worried at all.

 

2. People don't mind if you stand or sit there quietly. Just be comfortable. Find a place to sit, and smile.

 

3. If someone does approach to talk, smile, and, if possible, encourage the person to talk about him/herself. Just smile and be yourself--even if that means being pretty quiet. It's who you are, and people really love quiet listeners!

 

I hope this helps, and I hope you can find opportunities to practice this acquired skill. Don't worry; you're not alone. Every introvert feels it. Even queens and princes. Just smile your way through it! :grouphug:

[Barb_]

 

The good news is, he has just uninvited me from all future social engagements. He said he'd let me know of them as they came up, and if I want to attend to let him know, but under no circumstances should I feel obligated.

 

This is wonderful as there's a wedding reception in July that's been causing me grief. . .

 

Christine, your story made me :lol: I hope it was supposed to be funny:o

 

See that?? I have social anxiety too. The funny thing is, I'm an extrovert with social anxiety. I pass all the extrovert tests...I get jazzed up being around others, I love public speaking, talk up a storm, and have trouble sitting still...but I get physically ill in the days and weeks leading up to a party and then afterwards I obsess on my 'performance' for days following. I would suspect some emotional trauma in my background (I was always shy, but extroverted as a child), but my 2nd daughter is the same way. Very social and popular with her peers but excessively shy in unknown situations.

 

So dh and I have done the same as Christine and her husband. There is an open invitation to accompany him to any function (even at the last minute), but I'm never to feel obligated to go. Relieving the pressure of the obligation is enough to relax me.

 

Barb

[WTMindy]

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert. If it comes to bigger gatherings I have more fun by myself so I go alone, and I'm fine with that. If it is a smaller party, dh doesn't mind it so much and he is fine to go. If something is important to me, I just tell him and he'll go, but mostly if I go to something with the people I work with, he stays home.

[sagira]

Dh is a home-body and introvert. I am the chatty extrovert, but I periodically need time alone to recharge. He despises gatherings (even his own family's), it's like pulling teeth with him. Sometimes he goes with me to places, but most of the time not.

[Sharon H in IL]

I'm the extrovert married to an introvert. I don't make DH come out, though I try to think up ideas for things to do that might appeal to him to make it more palatable. When I worked I insisted he come to the annual office party, but he was so grumpy and anti-social that I was teased about his behavior for weeks afterwards.

 

All in all, I say extroverts have to come to an understanding that this is their life, this is their spouse's preferred style, and it is *painful* for him/her to do certain things, especially in the name of fun. When I want to go be social, I don't insist DH come along. I don't want to cause him agony so I can have fun, eh? I can't imagine any nice extrovert would want that for his beloved!

 

You should be supportive, and not insist he become your twin, and vice versa. As the wise man once said, "In marriage, if both of you are exactly alike, then one of you is redundant."

[Sparkle]

Ah, yes, you have described my marriage well :D I am also a strong introvert married to Mr. Social. I do try to go to parties and get-togethers when I know it is important to him. Usually the dread of anticipation is worse than the actual event, and I normally end up having a good time. The party you're describing doesn't sound like it would be all that much fun for you, though, so I think I would beg out of something like that. Or can you take a separate car, and leave early if it's really uncomfortable for you? :grouphug:

[Peela]

Introvert here married to an extrovert.

However I am no longer socially anxious and can hold my own quite well. I jsut need a LOT of alone time to regenrate after socialising, or even most of the time :)

Dh however socialises a lot with his work and I am just. not. interested. most of the time. It does hurt him...but he makes little effort to come to child events like concerts, or to mix with my friends in any reasonable way....so I dont sacrifice too much.

 

However to the OP- it concerns me a little that you dont feel good about yourself and the way you look, and that is a factor in your not wanting to socialise with your dh. I have felt like that at times and recently went through a bit of a change in that regard. Dont do it for others...but it is very empowering to make some steps to make yourself feel better about your appearance....some nice clothes, whatever it takes...rather than using that as an excuse to hide at home. Take care of yourself.

[Christine]

Christine, your story made me :lol: I hope it was supposed to be funny:o

 

 

It was, actually. (Though probably in poor taste given that I was discussing a funeral event. . . have to ponder than one.)

 

3. If someone does approach to talk, smile, and, if possible, encourage the person to talk about him/herself. Just smile and be yourself--even if that means being pretty quiet.

 

This is very good advice and does work wonders

It's who you are, and people really love quiet listeners!

 

And this is also VERY true, which can be VERY EXHAUSTING, but at the end of it all you can be rest assured that you made people feel important and special. (Because people feel that way when they get to talk all about themselves, and the listener is just smiling away. . .)

[kewb]

I send my husband off to social events without me frequently. If I know I will not have a good time I tell him to tell the host we could not get a sitter and I stay home. If he really wants me ther he will usually tell me he will make sure I will have fun. Our 16th anniversary is this weekend so I guess this has been working for us.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'm the extrovert married to the introvert. I find it frustrating really. We didn't compromise well. I ended up getting a job at Iowa State University as an usher for sporting events, concerts and plays. That has help temendously. I get to talk to people and be in the noise and lights. I love it. My dh would hate it I think.

 

Kelly

[melissel]

Perhaps all the other issues going on right now - your work situation, not enough help with household, etc are weighing on you as well. When I feel resentful I am not good company.

...But also work on a household plan - who does what chore, what choices do you have in babysitting? Who else other than your mother could help out? What changes can you make to scale down on your job so you don't feel so snowed in?

This may be a long-term plan, one that cannot be implemented overnight but that is on the books to be realized by...fill in the date.

 

Yes, the other issues do play a big part, because I'm so overwhelmed lately that I just don't really have the time to do all the big prep, use my mom for babysitting (taking at least 4 hours from my work childcare coverage), then I don't have time to do the introvert recharge afterward because the next day it's right back to the grind with the kids and work. Going out isn't a fun, easy thing for me--it's actually just another obligation, I guess. One that I wish I WANTED to do for DH, but that, in reality, I have a hard time adding to my week. We do kind of have a long-term plan--I can't reduce my hours below the 30, but we're trying to save money for me to quit. In this economy though, that's looking further and further away, you know? Gah!

 

The good news is, he has just uninvited me from all future social engagements. He said he'd let me know of them as they came up, and if I want to attend to let him know, but under no circumstances should I feel obligated.

 

This is wonderful as there's a wedding reception in July that's been causing me grief. . .

 

:lol: That''s good, weddings are just the worst. DH wants to go to every wedding we're invited to. I used to feel like couples should always go to weddings together, but I finally had enough. He's a "shut the place down" kind of partier--not a drinker, but he'll hang out all night if he has the chance. There's no getting him to leave early, and I just don't have it in me for that anymore.

 

3. If someone does approach to talk, smile, and, if possible, encourage the person to talk about him/herself. Just smile and be yourself--even if that means being pretty quiet. It's who you are, and people really love quiet listeners!

 

 

See, the problem is, I'm not a quiet listener! When people talk to me, my blood thunders in my ears, I start talking too fast and far too loud, and I sound like such a jerk :( Then I spend the next few months feeling like an idiot and going over all the things I said and did that I feel stupid about. There's the social anxiety part *sigh*

 

Or can you take a separate car, and leave early if it's really uncomfortable for you? :grouphug:

 

This is a very good idea! I'll have to think more about this one...

 

Introvert here married to an extrovert.

However I am no longer socially anxious and can hold my own quite well. I jsut need a LOT of alone time to regenrate after socialising, or even most of the time :)...

However to the OP- it concerns me a little that you dont feel good about yourself and the way you look, and that is a factor in your not wanting to socialise with your dh. I have felt like that at times and recently went through a bit of a change in that regard. Dont do it for others...but it is very empowering to make some steps to make yourself feel better about your appearance....some nice clothes, whatever it takes...rather than using that as an excuse to hide at home. Take care of yourself.

 

See, I don't get the alone time after to regenerate. We get home, I collapse into bed, and the next morning I have to jump right back up with the kids and my work and school and my mom at our house, etc. It's an overall life issue these days. You know, I've been thinking about how I used to be social when I was in my early 20s. We lived in Manhattan, and we were out most nights of the week. I've been trying to think how I managed that, but I just realized--I lived alone. I went home to an empty apartment, with no one to tell me to go to bed when I got there, or to prod me out of bed early on the weekends, or to prevent me from reading or arguing about what I wanted to watch on TV. It was heavenly!!! :lol:

 

And Peela, thanks for that. It's only a small part of the bigger issue, actually. The main thing is that I'm trying to lose weight, and while I've bought myself some nicer everyday clothes, I have hard time spending money on party clothes that I'll maybe wear once or twice before they're theoretically too big for me. Plus, then I have to find the time to actually shop (more babysitting, more time from work that I can't afford right now--end-of-year push and all).

 

Thank you for your input, everyone. You've given me lots to think about and talk about with DH. You know, he always says that it's up to me whether or not I want to come, but I can always tell by his face and body language that he's annoyed and disappointed when I don't come. Yet, he refuses to go for just a little while and somehow always manages to leave me on my own at some point, so I think some more in-depth discussion might be in order.

 

Thank you!

Edited December 11, 2008 by melissel