10yob, schoolwork, tears...everyday. HELP!

[Sue G in PA]

Ds10 is in tears every.day. over his schoolwork. Before you ask...it's NOT too tough. He is technically "behind" with math since we started him back at the beginning w/ MUS Alpha last year b/c of his difficulty retaining his facts. We still have this problem, but we're working on it. My problem/his problem is the attitude I guess. Tears. Every. Day. I streamlined, thinking I was asking too much. So now he does the following each morning: LLATL (one lesson), handwriting from Reason For Handwriting, Explode the Code (he needed some extra help w/ his phonics for spelling purposes), 2 pages from MUS Delta and he spends some time in creative writing (b/c he likes to write stories). In the afternoon, we do our MFW ECC which includes Geography, Bible and Science (and music and art when we get to it). He also reads a chapter from whatever book he is reading for school (right now that is Farmer Boy). Reading for him is a struggle. So, as you can see, he is not doing TOO much. In fact, I fear I am not challenging him enough. But, I just can't stomach the fighting and attitude and tears anymore. Some help from those who have btdt would be so appreciated. This kid is a relatively well-behaved, helpful, creative, sweet, intelligent, etc. child. He wants to go back to ps b/c he thinks the workload will be less (HAH!). We are considering that for next year, but I want him to be prepared. Okay, enough rambling...wwyd?

[Renee in NC]

Ds10 is in tears every.day. over his schoolwork. Before you ask...it's NOT too tough. He is technically "behind" with math since we started him back at the beginning w/ MUS Alpha last year b/c of his difficulty retaining his facts. We still have this problem, but we're working on it. My problem/his problem is the attitude I guess. Tears. Every. Day. I streamlined, thinking I was asking too much. So now he does the following each morning: LLATL (one lesson), handwriting from Reason For Handwriting, Explode the Code (he needed some extra help w/ his phonics for spelling purposes), 2 pages from MUS Delta and he spends some time in creative writing (b/c he likes to write stories). In the afternoon, we do our MFW ECC which includes Geography, Bible and Science (and music and art when we get to it). He also reads a chapter from whatever book he is reading for school (right now that is Farmer Boy). Reading for him is a struggle. So, as you can see, he is not doing TOO much. In fact, I fear I am not challenging him enough. But, I just can't stomach the fighting and attitude and tears anymore. Some help from those who have btdt would be so appreciated. This kid is a relatively well-behaved, helpful, creative, sweet, intelligent, etc. child. He wants to go back to ps b/c he thinks the workload will be less (HAH!). We are considering that for next year, but I want him to be prepared. Okay, enough rambling...wwyd?

 

When did you get my 10yo ds?:D

 

No advice, but I am hoping mine grows out of it!

[TraceyS/FL]

Have you had his eyes checked?

 

:grouphug: i can relate though..... but ours isn't consistent. Like right now, if we walked in to do school - it would be ugly. But she's still trying to get over being sick and about "this close" to a total blow up.

[Sue G in PA]

Have you had his eyes checked?

 

:grouphug: i can relate though..... but ours isn't consistent. Like right now, if we walked in to do school - it would be ugly. But she's still trying to get over being sick and about "this close" to a total blow up.

 

We did have his eyes checked and he has reading glasses now. Problem is, he says that there is no difference from when he wears them and when he does not. We make him wear them anyway. I am looking to take him to a specialist b/c I'm wondering if he might have some vision tracking issues. Challenge there...can't find one close by who accepts our insurance. There is no way unless by some miracle that we could afford the out of pocket for even the evaluation, KWIM?

[Renee in NC]

This is probably the wrong thing, but I would bump up expectations. When life is too easy most of us don't appreciate it.

 

There is always the old stand-by of "learn to work with your mind or I will have to prepare you to work with your hands". These lessons include moving rocks, digging holes, taking out trash and scrubbing anything you can think of.

 

Doesn't work here - mine would MUCH rather do those things than schoolwork.

 

Books, reading, and writing are torture. Manual labor is FUN!:001_huh:

 

However, I will agree with the bumping up expectations (which is what I am trying to do as well.)

[elegantlion]

Are you giving him some transition time between subjects? I know my ds would get messed up when he didn't have time to "reorganize his brain" between subjects.

 

We do a five minute break sometimes or I make him jog through the house 10 times. It helps him to refocus.

[Renee in NC]

We did have his eyes checked and he has reading glasses now. Problem is, he says that there is no difference from when he wears them and when he does not. We make him wear them anyway. I am looking to take him to a specialist b/c I'm wondering if he might have some vision tracking issues. Challenge there...can't find one close by who accepts our insurance. There is no way unless by some miracle that we could afford the out of pocket for even the evaluation, KWIM?

 

We have not found any vision therapist who takes insurance at all. I had my ds evaluated about 1.5 years ago and therapy was recommended, but the $$$$$ was impossible. Have you looked at Phonics Pathways? She has exercises in there to help remediate vision issues.

[Sue G in PA]

Are you giving him some transition time between subjects? I know my ds would get messed up when he didn't have time to "reorganize his brain" between subjects.

 

We do a five minute break sometimes or I make him jog through the house 10 times. It helps him to refocus.

 

 

He gets too many breaks if you ask me. 5 minutes btwn. each and every subject...even those that take him 5 minutes to complete. He goes outside and shoots hoops or jumps on the trampoline or builds something or whatever. I'm strict about the tv being off during the school day (unless it's my dd3 watching Letter Factory or something like that).

[Sue G in PA]

We have not found any vision therapist who takes insurance at all. I had my ds evaluated about 1.5 years ago and therapy was recommended, but the $$$$$ was impossible. Have you looked at Phonics Pathways? She has exercises in there to help remediate vision issues.

 

I almost bought PP for my ds5. I'll look into it again. Perhaps my libray has it...anything would be helpful at this point b/c we simply cannot afford the $$$$ for vision therapy. DD12 needs braces and we've been putting that off b/c of the $$$. Yikes.

[Chris in VA]

Just fyi for your son--

You say he feels it's too much, what he's doing now? And public school would be easier?

 

My dd8 does math, spelling, reading, social studies, science, art, music, p.e., writing, and an extra class once a week, and has homework.

 

Today's homework? 15 minutes of reading, 3 pages of math, practice all subtraction/multiplication/addition facts thru 9's, and write 12 sentences with her spelling words (some examples of her words--architecture, environment, emperor, characters, knight, dynasty, knitting, Philadelphia, literature, frightened). That's just homework, for one night.

 

She spends from 8:30am until 3:05pm at school, but must spend a total of 40 minutes riding the bus.

 

She's in third grade.

[kalanamak]

wwyd?

 

I'd ask if his reading, concentration, staying on track, etc. is good when he is doing something he likes. To me there is a difference between can't and won't , and I'd take a clear-eyed view of what he does when it is initiated by him. HTH.

[Peela]

My son is like that too, although we have good days and bad days.

How genuine are the tears?

I think at 10, the tears were sometimes genuine for ds13- he really did find a lot of things hard. With my son now, the tears and tantrums are usually a form of manipulation because I am so compassionate about them when they are real, he thinks its worth a try. He is forever telling me i give him too much work- no matter how much I give him. So more is ok, as far as I am concerned, since it's always too much.

I try not to engage. Dh helps me not to engage by reminding me. As soon as I start justifying, defending, placating- I am done! Ds knows it! Best thing here is to say "please do your work, I am not going to engage" and keep saying it until he gives up- or I put him in his room if he gets too bad. Then later, when he is calmed down and his work is finished, I might bring the subject up and say "well, you finished in plenty of time, you got it all done- was there any need to get upset? Why dont you just get in and do it next time? " Sometimes it helps him be more rational about it, sometimes not.

 

Just know you are not alone and it is apparently quite normal!

[Jean in Newcastle]

Have you analyzed what things "cause" the crying? For my ds it was any objective subject that had a definite right or wrong answer. So spelling, math (esp. drill), grammar, recorder (those right or wrong notes you know!) were sure-fire tear starters if he made even one mistake. We've had to work through him having an appropriate understanding of mistakes and how we learn from them, of how his self esteem (tied into his perfectionism) shouldn't be affected by them, how to fix them and most of all - how to respond to them appropriately (and tears from a 10 year old - or in my case my 11 1/2 year old is not appropriate even though we had them today again).

 

Your tears might be "caused" by something else but it might be worth sitting down and analyzing what the triggers are.

[mamaof2andtwins]

In regards to the vision, have you ever gone to

 

http://eyecanlearn.com/

 

I had my twins tested this fall and the tester recommended this site.

 

Jennie

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Have you heard of Dianne Craft? She specializes in helping students just like your son, and mine! I went to one of her workshops a couple of months ago, and I've seen a total turnaround in my son, who just turned 11 last month. We went from years of daily tears to wonderful school days. I've incorporated several of her techniques for visual and auditory "glitches", as she calls them (more below), and I've added many of the supplements she has recommended to boost his (and his sister's) serotonin levels. The results have been remarkable!

 

Dianne Craft defines a "glitch" as a problem getting information to pass from the left brain (short term memory, analytical, etc.) across the corpus callosum to the right brain (long term memory, automatic response, etc.). The student has to work ten times as hard to learn things, and then they just seem to slip out of their brain like teflon. All of this takes a tremendous amount of energy, which causes the child to literally cry out in exhaustion. Simple things like copying a sentence can totally drain a child who has this type of learning difficulty. Dianne's various cross-lateral and other specialized exercises help open up the corpus callosum (the bridge between brain hemispheres) to get information from the "teflon side" of the brain (left side), into the "velcro side" of the brain (the right side) to make learning easier.

 

Anyway, she has written a series of articles published on the HSLDA website. I received a newsletter from them called "Some Children Have to Work Too Hard to Learn", that was written by Dianne Craft. I can't figure out how to link it, so I'm copying it from my e-mail to a sub-post to this one. It's too long to fit in this post. Read it, and if it rings a bell, go to http://hslda.org/strugglinglearner/ then scroll down and click on "Is My Child a Struggling Learner" There are more articles with checklists that will help you identify whether or not your son has trouble with his visual, auditory, or verbal processing.

 

On her website, http://www.diannecraft.com you can order DVDs and other materials that help with these issues. You can also e-mail her with specific questions. At her workshop she sounded happy to help anyone with these types of problems. Or, if you live in the Denver area, you can contact her directly. She does this professionally, and has an office in Littleton. (I haven't been there, 'cause I live in Albuquerque)

 

You can also get an excellent CD set called "The Biology of Behavior" in which she explains how a deficiency in certain nutrients like Omega-3 fatty acids, Magnesium, B complex, and others can affect behavior. She also goes into great depth about how large quantities of antibiotics in small children can, through the destruction of good bacteria and the overgrowth of yeast in the gut, affectively stop the production of serotonin in the body. A lack of selotonin affects sleep, depression, memory, and other neurological processes. I'm sure many would think this whole idea totally off the wall, but I can not believe the difference in my son within the first few days of simply adding acidophilus to his diet. Then, many of the other things she recommended (supplements and dietary changes) have brought even more positive change. My son can't even believe the difference in the way he feels and the ease with which he learns. It's incredible.

 

Anyway, I'd be happy to chat more about this if you'd like to know more about our experience, let me know through e-mail. I feel for you. We spent way too many years fighting and struggling and crying and feeling like failures (both of us) because it was just so hard! I love the light I see in my boys eyes now.

 

I hope this helps,

Suzanne

Edited December 10, 2008 by Suzanne in ABQ

[swellmomma]

My 10 yr old ds is the same, today I tried something new. I set the timer, we did schoolwork for 20 minutes, then break for 10. then back to schoolwork. All day long back and forth. He did all his work without a single tear, whine or complaint all day. I think for him having a tangible idea of when a lesson ended and knowing it was not going to take all day helped him get down to business without a problem. If he didn't complete an assignment in the 20 minutes, he just picked up where he left off after the break. For the first time in a very long time we covered more than just english and math and it felt great. I didn't like the idea of that many breaks so I was resistant to trying this, but honestly even adding in all the breaks we got more accomplished, in less time than all the other days we have tried with fewer breaks. I plan on working him up to longer blocks of time for each session of school work, but for now the 20 minutes works well.

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Some Children Have to Work Too Hard to Learn by Dianne Craft

 

It is always puzzling to a parent when one of their children doesn’t learn to read or write as quickly as their siblings. Sometimes parents find that giving the child more time to mature works well. Other times the child struggles with the learning process in spite of being given more time.

 

Maybe you are a parent who has recently taken your child out of the school setting because he was not learning well, despite an Individual Education Plan and special reading and writing classes. Your child is likely suffering from a block in one or more of his “learning gates.†One of the main learning gates is the “writing learning gate,†and consequently is the most common to be blocked by a glitch in learning.

 

Writing Gate Blocked—When Copying Doesn’t Work

 

God designed our left brain hemisphere to concentrate on new tasks, such as driving a car, or riding a bike. After concentrated practice, that task is then transferred over the corpus callosum (the brain midline), to the right brain, which is responsible for automaticity of processes. If we imagine the left brain hemisphere as the “thinking (concentrating) brain†and the right hemisphere as the “doing (automatic) brain,†we can see how this transfer allows us to “think and do†at the same time. Then we can think and drive at the same time, or think and ride our bike at the same time.

 

Generally, when we teach a child how to write, after six months of practice that writing is expected to cross over from the “concentrating brain†to the “automatic brain†so the child can now “think and write†at the same time. For many children, this transfer does not easily occur. Thus, they have to give energy, or a level of concentration, to a task that other children do not have to do. Dr. Mel Levine, in his book One Mind At A Time, calls these blocks, “energy leaks.â€

 

This often solves the mystery of why many children learn their spelling words easily by writing them in a workbook, or writing them five times each, while other children can write words hundreds of times and still not store the spelling word in their long-term memory. Now we realize that these struggling children have to use their “batteries†just for the writing process, so that the learning process cannot occur. Thus, the method of copying to learn is totally ineffective for these children. We need to help them open up their writing gates.

 

These children are very commonly thought of as “lazy, sloppy or unmotivated.†We, unknowingly, make them re-copy work that is sloppy, not realizing that they have a bona fide writing block. The majority of the time, when a child who loves to listen to mom read stories, but says that he doesn’t like or even “hates†schoolwork, he is struggling with a blocked writing gate.

 

Characteristics

 

Let’s look at some of the symptoms children who have blocked writing gates present to us daily:

 

Frequent or occasional reversals in letters or numbers (after age 7)

Letters made from bottom to top (vertical reversals)

Writing is very labor intensive

Copying takes a long time

Math problems solved mentally to avoid writing them down

Writing appears sloppy and child is often considered lazy

Oral recitation of stories is excellent, but writing is minimal

Capital and small letters mixed in writing

In math, lining up numbers in multiplication or division is difficult

No child has all of these characteristics, but if your child has several, you may consider this an area he or she is struggling in. If a child has many of the characteristics, or is over age 9 and still writes reversals, they may be labeled with dysgraphia. Many times these children are considered “gifted with a glitch.†They are excellent in verbal expression, but way behind in written expression. Writing paragraphs and longer papers are something that they take great pains to avoid. They give one-word answers whenever possible.

 

Compensation

 

When a parent recognizes that their child has a blocked learning gate, and is not just being sloppy or resistant to writing without a reason, then steps can be taken to alleviate some of the writing burden on the child, until the problem can be corrected.

 

Reduce the amount of writing a child needs to do during the day. Do more answers for chapter questions orally. Limit the amount of writing in workbooks.

Reduce or eliminate copying for 3-6 months. Save the child’s “battery energy†for writing paragraphs, or a paper once a week.

Use another method of learning spelling words that does not include writing multiple times. Resources include Sequential Spelling or Right Brain Spelling.

Teach the child keyboarding for some writing projects (However, most children who have dysgraphia, or a writing glitch, also find keyboarding quite labor-intensive also.)

Correction

 

There are various methods that can be used to take the stress out of a child’s writing system, and make the whole writing process more fluent. Here are a few:

 

NILD has a private therapy program that incorporates “Rhythmic Writing†to help reduce the stress in the writing system.

“The Source for Dyslexia and Dysgraphia,†from LinguiSystems contains ideas on how to correct writing problems.

The “Brain Integration Therapy Manual†by Dianne Craft, contains a daily “Writing Eight Exercise,†that opens the child’s writing gate and eliminates reversals.

“Handwriting Without Tears†is a writing program that works well after a child has a strong midline.

Conclusion

 

A child can have a learning glitch, or block in a learning gate, that causes him to struggle everyday with schoolwork, without the parents’ knowledge. Using some simple checklists, the parent can identify this problem and design the school day to be less frustrating. More importantly, the parent can avail herself of all the wonderful corrective techniques, so that the child does not need to struggle with the burden of having to work so hard at writing, or with a dysgraphia. God has wonderful answers for us. He leads us in so many ways, and we are ever grateful!

 

For more information on the Four Learning Gates, and how they can be affecting your child’s daily learning, visit the HSLDA Struggling Learners website. This site is designed to help parents both identify and correct many of the everyday learning challenges that children experience. Of particular interest is the “Smart Kids Who Hate to Write†article on that website.

 

The HSLDA Special Needs/Struggling Learner staff prays that this newsletter has been a blessing to you. Please look for upcoming topics such as: “Alternative Assessmentsâ€; “Children with Sensory Problemsâ€; “Teaching Versus Assigningâ€; “Choosing Curriculumâ€; “Educating for Eternityâ€; “Help! My Child Can’t Spellâ€; “Developing an IEPâ€; and many more.

 

If you have particular topics that you would like to have us address in these newsletters, please email specialneedscoordinator@hslda.org. We desire to meet our members’ needs.

 

All members of HSLDA have the opportunity to call or email our Special Needs/Struggling Learner Coordinators and be given resources, help, and advice on how to teach their Struggling Learner at home.

[Remudamom]

When you are sure his eyes are okay I'd tell him it's time to man up. Ten is too old to be carrying on and crying.

If he wants to cry, go ahead, then he's still got to do the work, because that's the way the world works.

[Parrothead]

When you say he wants to go back to PS, I have to ask how long he has been homeschooled. I'd say he remembers kindergarten and first grade, if not second fondly. Does he have PS friends that he can compare workloads with? That might give him the reality check he needs.

 

Was school such a trial last year? If it was, bless you for continuing. If not, what changed?

 

How does your dh feel about the situation? Is he willing to give up his evenings? If dh is, I'd let ds know that he has two choices. Do the work with you during the day or do it with dad at night. And during the day there won't be any electronics, play time or fun stuff. He has to either do school, read (your choice of book) or take a nap.

 

I'd also bring expectations back up to grade level. Math facts don't come easy for every kid. Daily drills while moving forward in other areas of math helped tremendously with my dd this year.

 

One other thought, talk to your ds about what he wants to study/learn. He is getting old enough to have a bit of say so in curriculum. That also helps with, "You picked it, you can do it."

 

Of course, if there is any chance of a LD, get that seen about, diagnosed, and addressed ASAP.

[Peela]

Have you heard of Dianne Craft? She specializes in helping students just like your son, and mine! I went to one of her workshops a couple of months ago, and I've seen a total turnaround in my son, who just turned 11 last month. We went from years of daily tears to wonderful school days. I've incorporated several of her techniques for visual and auditory "glitches", as she calls them (more below), and I've added many of the supplements she has recommended to boost his (and his sister's) serotonin levels. The results have been remarkable!

 

 

Suzanne, thanks for writing this. I have just spent a couple of hours researching the articles and links you gave and got some good ideas for my son. The idea of copywork taking up a lot of "battery power" actually makes sense to me- its amazing how one sentence of copywork is such a big deal for him, let alone a short paragraph. I am going to try backing right of on that for a while.

thanks , this is one reason I love these boards- this links to that links to that and before you know it you have accessed a whole lot of information you wouldnt otherwise have known about.

[A home for their hearts]

I almost bought PP for my ds5. I'll look into it again. Perhaps my libray has it...anything would be helpful at this point b/c we simply cannot afford the $$$$ for vision therapy. DD12 needs braces and we've been putting that off b/c of the $$$. Yikes.

 

I have not read all the post yet but I did want to ask if you have looked into Easter Seals for possible help if he needs vision therapy? I'm not sure if they offer it but it would be worth looking into. My ped recommended us to Easter Seals for speech therapy for my son. Our insurance didn't cover speech therapy unless it was because of a medical problem. Easter Seals takes insurance and they have a sliding scale for those who aren't covered by insurance. If you call they should be able to determine what your cost would be by your income and if you have any medical bills they would take those into consideration as well. If you google Easter Seals and then a city in your area your local branch should come up.

HTH!

[Pamela H in Texas]

Sue, I think I could have written your post a few years ago.

 

What worked here:

 

1) academics at the level he should be. I NEVER thought of that but didn't have a choice when we joined the virtual academy. But it WORKED! He stepped up to the plate and was able to catch up for the most part. And finally felt smart and capable.

 

2) non-academic challenges. More responsibilities and opportunities. A lot of times we mommas wait to raise these until the "prove" themselves. Well, I have found (and those I suggest it to have found) that if you raise the bar, kiddo gets a good bit of "feeling good" from stepping up to the plate.

 

BTW, I actually called the school and they highly suggested it was a bad time to put him into school (just considering the school's issues vs ds's). You might call and see what things are like there. What would his schedule look like? How much homework do kids have? What would they do since he's behind? Would he be tracked differently or pulled out for additional help? Do they require after school tutoring for test prep (they do here!)? Does he have a public schooled friend he could "try" school with (when I was in school, friends came fairly regularly), including homework? Then you could explain the additional pull outs, after school, etc... Oh, and of course, WE would have afterschooled. So throw that in that day if you'd do that. Sometimes kids just don't know how great they have it.

 

Anyway, we rarely have tears here now.

 

BTW, this does not discount that something else could be going on. I know you've had a good deal of discipline issues in the past. If you are giving this attention, STOP. If you are letting this work in any way, STOP. Also, I know you have discussed your own mental health issues. Your son can learn those or have them biologically. If you believe it is that, deal with that aspect also. We HAVE had that issue in our own home also (DS and I both have an alphabet soup of dxes). Sometimes, a short stint of behavioral therapy can help someone learn skills and tools in order to do better.

 

Hope y'all do better soon :)

[Ferdie]

Sue,

 

I haven't had a chance to read the other posts, but having a written check list really cut down on my ds complaints. I list out his subjects each day with a box to check when he finishes. Even though he knows what he is suppose to do each day, having it in writing makes all the difference for him. It sounds so simple, but it really works.

 

On the days that he struggles with a subject or is not looking forward to school in general, I try to remind him that it is his job and we need to work without complaint. There are some great scripture versus to back that up.

 

Good Luck!

[Sue G in PA]

Thanks everyone. Some things I do have in place: a written checklist (I must be more consistent in making sure all items are completed, though), frequent breaks for this child, plenty of "free" time to build, play ball, do some sort of physical activity or any other activity that he enjoys (not video games or TV). As far as whether these tears are real or simply manipulation...I think they are real and are linked to those subjects that require right or wrong, clear answers (like math) and also to subjects that he finds difficult or "boring". Like reading. He hates to read aloud. His confidence in his reading is lacking. He recently ASKED for a recommendation on a good "series" sort of book that was adventurous or some sort of mystery. I jumped at that chance and he is starting Lord of the Rings...HIS choice. We are making progress. As Pam H said, we've had some discipline issues in the past...major discipline issues that we are addressing with fervor. The kids are reacting to stricter rules and stricter, more consistent discipline but I am hopeful that this will result in the "fruit" that we hope it will. Anyway, thanks for the suggestions and thanks for the website rec. (Diane Craft). Off to check that out...

[Suzanne in ABQ]

Thanks Peela. You know what's way cool? I can stay up way too late at night writing something that I know might never be read, then go to sleep while (unbeknownst to me) someone on the other side of the world takes what I wrote and runs with it! That's awesome! :) I'm glad you found it helpful.

Suzanne

[Peela]

Thanks Peela. You know what's way cool? I can stay up way too late at night writing something that I know might never be read, then go to sleep while (unbeknownst to me) someone on the other side of the world takes what I wrote and runs with it! That's awesome! :) I'm glad you found it helpful.

Suzanne

 

Yeah, thats why I commented...cause no one else did, but it was way cool for me, thanks :)