How do you accept your spouse?

[Kassia]

2 hours ago, GracieJane said:

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

Love this.  

In my case, DH is so incredibly good to me and our family while under so much stress of his own that there's no way I'm going to add to that stress unless it's something super important to me.  When I was younger, issues felt bigger, but now in my 50s and married 35 years next year - I'm committed to the marriage and am happy to let most things go.  Plus I don't even have the energy to argue over silly things anymore. 😛  

I also learned from my mother.  She was a controlling narcissist and was absolutely awful to my poor father.  She picked on every. little. thing. he did and he could never be himself.  It was so sad - he was a good man who worked so hard to provide for us but he was never good enough for her.  She made him an anxious mess.  I never wanted to do that to my own husband. His parents aren't good parents or grandparents, but they were good spouses to each other and I enjoyed seeing them accept each other's differences with unconditional love. 

 

 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by Kassia

[TexasProud]

2 hours ago, GracieJane said:

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

You are right for probably the majority of people.  But for me, I would say, learn to speak out loud. I did not voice enough of my opinions. Hubby knew that when we were dating, but figured because we were married I would just speak honestly. Nope. I will pick peace over speaking anytime. Now he is back to dragging things out of me again and it works much better.  So a few wives might need to speak more. (;

[HeartString]

3 hours ago, GracieJane said:

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

Could you follow me around and remind me of that every 2 seconds or so?  Maybe I’ll tattoo it somewhere prominent.  I really need to follow this way more often.   

[HeartString]

42 minutes ago, TexasProud said:

You are right for probably the majority of people.  But for me, I would say, learn to speak out loud. I did not voice enough of my opinions. Hubby knew that when we were dating, but figured because we were married I would just speak honestly. Nope. I will pick peace over speaking anytime. Now he is back to dragging things out of me again and it works much better.  So a few wives might need to speak more. (;

I think I could use some improved discernment over when to speak less and when to speak more.  I have a hard time talking about the important stuff, but no problem with nit picking.  

[regentrude]

3 hours ago, GracieJane said:

I am very happily married, and I attribute it primarily to how little we say things out loud. If I had to pick my guiding life principle, it would probably be: „speak less“. 😉

Most (negative) things in marriage do not need to be vocalized. 99% of frustrations have a life span less than 24 hours and the unfortunate consequences of speaking them aloud last much longer. When you have learned to restrain your speech, your words carry much more weight, which is what you need to address the remaining 1% of serious problems.

OTOH, many frustrations can be easily solved by better communication and more talking.
For example, telling DH explicitly that it irritates me when he offers advice when what I really need is commiseration has gone a long way to eliminate frustration. My DH has learned to ask "Shall I offer a solution to the problem, or do you need me to say "poor you"?" He does not read my mind.

And it has been my experience, that many conflicts have their origin in one spouse expecting the other to read their mind. That does not work. Saying things directly is so much for effective. Many small annoying things can easily be changed once a person knows that they are annoying to their spouse, and then no resentment builds up.

Edited August 4, 2021 by regentrude

[GracieJane]

36 minutes ago, regentrude said:

OTOH, many frustrations can be easily solved by better communication and more talking.
For example, telling DH explicitly that it irritates me when he offers advice when what I really need is commiseration has gone a long way to eliminate frustration. My DH has learned to ask "Shall I offer a solution to the problem, or do you need me to say "poor you"?" He does not read my mind.

And it has been my experience, that many conflicts have their origin in one spouse expecting the other to read their mind. That does not work. Saying things directly is so much for effective. Many small annoying things can easily be changed once a person knows that they are annoying to their spouse, and then no resentment builds up.

That’s great! It is a formidable talent to speak an apt word in good time. Until I learn it, my marriage is better served by fewer words. 🙂

[katilac]

7 hours ago, TheReader said:

 They were *more* incredulous when I answered that there are times other than bedtime for that to take place.  

Crazy talk! Next you're going to say it there are other rooms it can take place . . . 

[BlsdMama]

10 hours ago, regentrude said:

 

And it has been my experience, that many conflicts have their origin in one spouse expecting the other to read their mind. That does not work. Saying things directly is so much for effective. Many small annoying things can easily be changed once a person knows that they are annoying to their spouse, and then no resentment builds up.

Absolutely! And I think we're working on reminding the other, "My brain doesn't work like that." 
If he expresses shock and disbelief that I don't know where or I am or how to get somewhere (directions mean NOTHING to me) his expressions are perceived as critcism.  I don't respond well.  OTOH, I don't say, "WTH? I spelled that word for you LAST week." We have a tendency to believe our OWN strengths are the result of our awesomeness and our weaknesses are weaknesses for everyone, so we're quick to forgive what we struggle with or mock what we're strong in when others struggle in that area.  Speaking directly (rather than hinting which is really JUST passive agressive) in kindness helps so much here. 

[marbel]

15 hours ago, HeartString said:

I think I could use some improved discernment over when to speak less and when to speak more.  I have a hard time talking about the important stuff, but no problem with nit picking.  

Yeah, I hear you.

I don't think making the decision to not speak up every time a thought comes to mind is at all the same as expecting a spouse/partner to read one's mind.

Small example: when my husband does the dishes, he leaves the counter by the sink wet. It annoys me slightly. But, it's nothing to me to wipe it down next time I am at the sink. Which, the way we cook and eat, is many, many times a day. I'm not seething with anger wishing he would just wipe the dang counter. I'd rather keep my mouth shut and do the small task, than nag him about it.  I know there are plenty of things he could nag me about, but doesn't. 

But bigger things that are actually important? Yeah, speak up.  

But easier said than done, sometimes. 

 

Edited August 4, 2021 by marbel

[Alicia64]

I haven't read everyone's comments, but just wanted to say that after years of bickering it finally dawned on me to treat dh the way I hope my sons will be treated by their spouse's one day.

That really turned things around for me. (We're married 21.)

The other thing that has helped a lot: I act very respectful of his time. I might need something that only he can do and I might say, "I know you're swamped with a, b, and c, but could do blank by Tuesday night?

Adding: there's a lot to be said for growing older. I look at problems very differently than I did twenty years ago.

♥♥♥

 

[Scarlett]

5 hours ago, marbel said:

Yeah, I hear you.

I don't think making the decision to not speak up every time a thought comes to mind is at all the same as expecting a spouse/partner to read one's mind.

Small example: when my husband does the dishes, he leaves the counter by the sink wet. It annoys me slightly. But, it's nothing to me to wipe it down next time I am at the sink. Which, the way we cook and eat, is many, many times a day. I'm not seething with anger wishing he would just wipe the dang counter. I'd rather keep my mouth shut and do the small task, than nag him about it.  I know there are plenty of things he could nag me about, but doesn't. 

But bigger things that are actually important? Yeah, speak up.  

But easier said than done, sometimes. 

 

This is the key.  The point is to let go of what you can let go of.  Not everything needs to be addressed.  

The things that need to be addressed, by all means address.....

LOL, I think I am just repeating what you said.

[Calizzy]

I think I let go of a lot more now than I did 10 years ago. And like I said, we are happy. It's just learning to accept those areas that bother you but I know won't change. His criticalness is probably minor, I am just very optimistic so it bothers me. It's usually not even spoken, more body language. But that is just 1 example. I also wished he listened better. But it is true that he has a very focused and precise career that requires those very things that I find frustrating. I just struggle with focusing on me and my response/reaction instead of focusing on him. 

[Calizzy]

Also, our kids are still young so it's especially hard when it effects the kids. It doesn't *hurt* the kids, but they notice some things. And in 1 in particular she has a lot of the same traits. But I guess you guys would say "what negative traits of yours have the kids picked up on?" To which I would answer "none!" 😜