Another update on me, in case someone out there is in a similar situation

[Night Elf]

So for those interested, here goes. 🙂

Yes, I'm still battling atypical anorexia. Every time I think I'm turning a corner, bam!, I fall back down. I'm currently in a complete relapse. I'm not following my meal plan. I'm eating very little. I'm avoiding many foods and my mindset is strongly anorexic. I feel as large as an elephant. My therapist and dietitian have been trying to help me but to no avail. I am just willful and resistant. 

The newest problem is that my psych doc is changing some of of my meds around. She put me on Zyprexa and I suffered increased appetite. In me, that presented as binging and I began purging, horrifying my therapist and dietitian. I'm in the process of getting off the Zyprexa. To help me sleep, she has given me Gabapentin again, but it didn't work before so I have very little hope now. Waiting on tap is Lunesta. My psych Doc had to fill out a request form for Kaiser to consider that a covered medication and they did approve it so I think I'll order it and have it on hand in case the Gabapentin doesn't work.

I'm suffering awful insomnia. It can have so many causes we can't pin it down. I fall asleep with meds but I don't stay asleep. I'm usually awake for 3-4 hours. So I've been told to not leave my bedroom and to have a thermos of milk next to my bed for if I'm hungry in an effort to prevent a binge. So far it's not working. I stay in bed, drink the milk, fall back asleep and am awake again within the hour. I go ahead and get up. I think I've trained my brain to want to be awake because I'm usually working on my Bible studies. Those hold my attention so much that I force myself to ignore the signs to go back to bed. Stupid! So I'm trying to to read a long boring book instead, something that I can do until I feel sleepy again. I don't always stick with it, but sometimes I do.

I'm working again, 30 hours a week. It's more than I want but we're so short staffed. We're down to 5 employees. It's crazy. There are now hiring signs everywhere. People don't want to work. I've given out 6 applications and no one has returned it. Our Board President has made some stupid decisions that has caused us to lose business. The Board has been mean to my manager. We think they are trying to get her to quit but she's not going to leave until they fire her. I'm on the fence about what to do. I told her if she got fired, I'd walk out with her. I really don't want to work without her. But my Dh wants me to hang in there and see what they do next. The Board President has spoken to the two guys we have working for us, the longest one of them has been there is 4 months. He's offered them a much higher salary that the rest of us and wants to groom them for management. One guy was in the act of quitting and decided he didn't want to work under someone who was so sneaky. Three of us have been at the store for 3 years without raises, and the President even told Carol he think he's going to lower her salary and Shelly's salary. I already knew I wasn't being paid as much so maybe he's okay with my huge $12/hour salary. I refuse to work for less so if he tries to cut my salary back to my trial period salary of $10/hour, I probably will quit. So there's lots of stress and tension in the store right now. I'm so bummed because I finally feel good about working again and the President is suck all the joy right out of my life.

I spent 6 weeks in a rehab facility for depression and suicidal thoughts. My therapist is watching me closely and is ready to suggest I be readmitted. My DH is still holding all of my meds because my whole support team is worried I'll act in a moment of unhappiness. I'm waiting for my psych doc to release my meds back to me. I feel so stupid having to get my meds from my DH on a daily basis.

That's about all. Fun times!!

[Catwoman]

When I saw that you had posted an update, I was hoping for good news. I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time, and I hope you and your doctors can work together to help improve things for you. 

Sending hugs and prayers to you, Beth!

How is your son doing? I hope he is well!

[Night Elf]

1 minute ago, Catwoman said:

When I saw that you had posted an update, I was hoping for good news. I’m so sorry you are going through such a rough time, and I hope you and your doctors can work together to help improve things for you. 

Sending hugs and prayers to you, Beth!

How is your son doing? I hope he is well!

Yeah, ds24 is doing phenomenal. He asked if he could return to college and now that it's his decision, he's doing fairly well, getting A's and B's. He's in Game Development in the programming track. He tried to be in the art department's digital something or other, but he found out with the first two beginning classes that you need to have the basics of art instruction down pat to fit into the class. He doesn't know how to draw. He wants someone to teach him but we haven't found anyone. So he went back to programming. He said he's okay with it but he'd really rather be on the creative side of things. But he's doing well. He has surprised us by driving new places. He uses google maps and prints out the directions. He doesn't know how to use his phone as a GPS and isn't interested in learning, which I don't understand, but he's doing so well I'm not going to push it. 🙂

[Catwoman]

Oh, Beth, that is such great news about your son!!! You must be so proud of him!!!!!

[Tanaqui]

You're not willful and resistant, unless calling yourself that is helpful in some way.

You suffer from a serious mental illness, and you're going through a stressful time. I bet - hell, I *know* - that there's been a lot of relapses this past year and change, and a lot of escalation of people with no previous recorded psych history either.

Honestly, I think you've been pretty strong. You've gotten the help you need, and you're trying even though it's really hard right now.

[Kassia]

I'm sorry you are struggling so much! @Tanaquiis right that you are not willful and resistant - just suffering from a very stubborn and complex mental illness.  

I also have atypical anorexia and have terrible terrible insomnia.  My situation is different than yours, but I can relate to so much of what you are going through.  I don't want to go into too much detail and derail your thread, so I'll just send hugs and tell you that I have an enormous amount of  respect for you because you keep trying and don't give up. That takes a lot of courage and determination and strength.  I know how discouraging and distressing and defeating this is, yet you keep going and continue to seek help.  Give yourself a pat on the back for your accomplishments and try not to be too hard on yourself for mistakes (that's not the word I want to use, but I can't think of the right one).  Take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute.  It's a tough battle.

That's wonderful about how well your son is doing.  

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Edited June 27, 2021 by Kassia

[mommyoffive]

10 minutes ago, Tanaqui said:

You're not willful and resistant, unless calling yourself that is helpful in some way.

You suffer from a serious mental illness, and you're going through a stressful time. I bet - hell, I *know* - that there's been a lot of relapses this past year and change, and a lot of escalation of people with no previous recorded psych history either.

Honestly, I think you've been pretty strong. You've gotten the help you need, and you're trying even though it's really hard right now.

Agreed.

[KSera]

Thanks for checking in; I always wonder how you're doing when we don't hear from you for awhile. I'm really sorry to hear the ED is being so difficult and stubborn. I'm glad you have a good team working with you. Keeping milk next to your bed and switching to something more boring when you're awake in the night both sound like good strategies. Try not to fret about your dh helping you with your meds right now. We have the same arrangement with one of my adult kids. Is your work environment making things better or worse for your health at this point?

So happy to hear about how well your son is doing!

[mommyoffive]

1 minute ago, Kassia said:

I'm sorry you are struggling so much! @Tanaquiis right that you are not willful and resistant - just suffering from a very stubborn and complex mental illness.  

I also have atypical anorexia and have terrible terrible insomnia.  My situation is different than yours, but I can relate to so much of what you are going through.  I don't want to go into too much detail and derail your thread, so I'll just send hugs and tell you that I have an enormous amount of  respect for you because you keep trying and don't give up. That takes a lot of courage and determination and strength.  I know how discouraging and distressing and defeating this is, yet you keep going and continue to seek help.  Give yourself a pat on the back for your accomplishments and try not to be too hard on yourself for mistakes (that's not the word I want to use, but I can't think of the right one).  Take it day by day, hour by hour, or even minute by minute.  It's a tough battle.

That's wonderful about how well your son is doing.  

Thinking of you and wishing you all the best.

Agreed. 

I am so glad you post.  I think of you often and hope that you are doing well. I am so proud of you for seeking out help and support and being open to us here.  I hope that it helps to have people to talk to and know that we are all supporting you.  Sending so many hugs and support your way.   I am always proud of people that can talk about their lives and open up about problems they have had.  You never know how that is going to help someone else who is going through something like that.   You are so strong and courageous.  We love you and want nothing but the best for you.  

I hope your doctors are able to find the best way to help you.  

[Annie G]

It’s good to hear from you, and even though you’re still struggling, I’m so glad you are comfortable coming here.  hang in there-we’re pulling for you.  
Glad to hear your son is thriving!

Hugs, Beth. 

[math teacher]

Good to hear from you!! I hope the medication you are taking helps with your struggles. You mentioned that Bible study keeps you awake. Have you tried listening to the Bible-I'm sure there are apps? Back when I listened to the Bible on tape (Shows my age), I would fall asleep listening to it.

[Night Elf]

Yes, my job is stressful. It always has been. I've quit twice. The 3rd time I just had to take a medical leave when I was put in rehab for 6 weeks. I was floored that my manager stayed as accommodating as she had been. She's a good friend who knows a lot about my life and struggles. She's had her share of trauma and drama so she can totally relate to me on many levels. We're having a weird situation at work right now. Our Board of Directors has changed. One person dropped out and we now have a new President. He's coming in with guns blazing. He raised our prices, put a minimum credit card purchase limit of $15, and won't let us hang any signs that aren't required by law. He says signs confine the customer?? The man is insane. I've had so many complaints and told him about how the credit card limit was losing us customers, so he took that away. However, he's now reconsidering it using $10. I suggested $5. I'll still lose a lot of business. I have many transactions under $5 and people don't carry cash. 

He went back to original clothing prices from 2019. Dresses are $5. Shirts are $4. Jeans are $5. etc. Before that we've been selling all clothing except special marked up clothing at $2 per piece. We sold A LOT of clothes. We had merchandise moving through the store just like you want a retail store to do. We  got in so many donations that we couldn't put clothing on the racks fast enough. Now that the prices are higher, all of our racks are stuffed and we can't put anymore clothing out. Donations are piling up in the backroom. We have to pull items off the floor and poundage them to make room for some new stuff. No, he's really doing our business a disservice. You can tell by looking at the numbers and he doesn't understand the financials. For a man who brags about resuscitating failing businesses, he's ruining ours. 

My manager has basically had her power taken away from her as the Board is making all decisions now. The President asks fore some things that the manager says No to and he gets mad at her. She finally did one thing though. He told her to call the churches around our community and ask if they can put an announcement in their bulletins or announcements during service that we have positions open for employment. They all acted as if she was nuts just like she knew they would. But he asked her to do it so she did it. He thinks we should have 30 applications on file at all times so we can call the next person on the list and get them working the next day. Um.. do you not see every business around us with Now Hiring signs out? No one has 30 applications on file, or there wouldn't be so many now hiring signs.

So my job is uncertain. If Carol is fired, I may quit. Then I won't be working at all which my therapist doesn't like. I need an outlet that provides purpose and social interaction. I could stay and see who they bring in for a manager but they may promote a current employee who is a very young guy with absolutely no managerial experience. We believe our President has a thing against women which is why he offered to increase the salaries of the two young men working for us but wants to reduce the salaries, that are actually under what he's offering to start the young men at. So Carol has already consulted an attorney, She's has written notes from a Board Member who left her notes on the table after a Board meeting and a customer found them and returned them to the manager of the store. But how embarrassing! It's 5 pages of how awful Carol is as a manager and they need to get her to quit so they don't have to pay her anymore.

Anyway, I don't quit because I'm very loyal to her and I still  care about the store. If my job is affected in any way, I may have my hand forced to make a decision. Until then, I'm just going to do my job. It really is good for me to be there. For a little while each day, I can forget I have an eating disorder. I've even gotten to where I can share lunch with them sometimes. We brought in Chick-fil-A one day and it was so nice to sit down with them and eat the same food as them. They are all aware of my ED, including my new behavior of binging. Shelly hid some food from me the other day because I kept going into the break area and eating more and complaining how I couldn't stop. Well she stopped me! *laugh* I was so very grateful she did that. I hate feeling out of control when I eat.

I don't know what's going to happen. And if I'm not working at the store, I don't know if I'll pursue a different job. I kind of like the idea of cashiering at a grocery store but it will be a more rigid job that the relaxed one I have right now. I'm truly blessed that my family does not need a 2nd income which is why my salary doesn't really matter. I'm only working again because I love my coworkers to bits and pieces. There are 5 of us and we have so much fun together. I love going into work now. I went over a year of dreading it and it being a toxic place for me. Well, all the toxic people are gone so my job is a very supportive place now. I love it.

Sorry for this being so long. 🙂

[Kassia]

Beth, have you had your hypothalamus checked?  I have hypothalamus dysfunction due to the ED (I suspect) and this happened to me years ago when I was anorexic.  I am wondering if it is causing our sleep issues as well as other problems.  

[Night Elf]

10 minutes ago, Kassia said:

Beth, have you had your hypothalamus checked?  I have hypothalamus dysfunction due to the ED (I suspect) and this happened to me years ago when I was anorexic.  I am wondering if it is causing our sleep issues as well as other problems.  

No.  I'll ask my doctor. Thanks.

[Melissa in Australia]

Hugs

[Ausmumof3]

I’m sorry things are so rough for you but glad to hear the positive update on your son.  Really hope you get well soon.

[Toocrazy!!]

I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope you can find something that works! 
I’m also sorry to hear about your job stress. Boards at non profits can really complicate things! 

[fraidycat]

I'm sorry that your illness is flaring right now. I hope that your medical team can figure out your sleep issues so that hopefully with a properly rested body & mind you are able to deal with the other stuff from a place of well-rested strength. Big hugs.