Young adults and mortgages

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, mum said:

 

An observation that I have is that charging rent to young adults seems to be a good thing. Otherwise the young adult is not being treated like an adult. There are, of course, exceptions. Illness, disability, job loss, etc. The same circumstances in which I, as a middle aged adult, would still turn to my parents for help. And they would give it wholeheartedly.

But under normal circumstances. charging rent to an adult in an adult-like manner, has worked for most of the families I have observed. Some parents save the rent that is paid and give it back to the young adult when they move out, to be used as a down payment to buy a house, or a security deposit on a rental. And some parents don't give the rent back, probably because they need it for day to day expenses.

The lesson that I see being learned is how much adult life costs. I can say that my kids know, but if they are not paying rent, they know it in the same way that someone knows how to ride a bike in their head, but they have never actually ridden a bike. What a gift to our young adults to let them actually learn to  ride the bike, in the safety of our own driveway. That's what paying rent at home does, in my opinion.

 

On the other topic, investing, I think our young adults need to know more about that, and how to do that in a low-risk way. If they invest in low-cost index funds with a reputable company, starting at age 20, they will be amazed and thrilled at the results down the road. 

Yes, I agree.  

[Scarlett]

48 minutes ago, NewnameC said:

One of my young adults had no trouble getting a mortgage with less than 2 years of work history to buy a condo. (And was able to refinance when mortgage rates dropped even further.)

This was shortly before everything closed down and remote work began, so not being with a roommate 24/7 in a small apartment was a huge benefit to owning own home. 

Good to know.  Although just from what I am seeing lately dss20 wont be able to afford anything for a while.

[hippymamato3]

9 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We so far haven't charged our kids rent either.  And all situations aren't equal. A kid with a plan is different than one floating around and sometimes barely working.  Some kids need a little nudge to just grow up. 

Again, if any of our 3 needed to come home especially with a baby we would do everything in our power to help them.  

Oh I wasn't implying you wouldn't! Just was thinking about the situations and families I know of who have adult "kids" living at home. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Bootsie said:

I don't have any problem with parents who choose to charge their young adult children rent.  But, I do not agree that not doing so is not treating them like an adult.  My mom never paid rent.  She went from living in her parents home to being married and my father working and paying the rent.  He never charged her rent.  

Are you equating a parent child relationship to a spouse/spouse relationship?

[Bootsie]

29 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

We so far haven't charged our kids rent either.  And all situations aren't equal. A kid with a plan is different than one floating around and sometimes barely working.  Some kids need a little nudge to just grow up. 

Again, if any of our 3 needed to come home especially with a baby we would do everything in our power to help them.  

If decisions of whether or not to charge rent are based upon whether a kid need a nudge and to grow up, then I think that is a different philosophy than parents charging rent "to treat them like an adult".  If the rent is to induce a child toward certain behavior then the rent, IMO, is about parenting, not about treating the child as an adult.  

[regentrude]

1 hour ago, Pawz4me said:

Agreed. I lived rent free with my parents for two years while working full time in a well paying office job and saving like crazy. That's exactly why I was able to buy my first house at 22 and put 1/3 down.

(It would never have occurred to my parents to charge me rent, or for groceries or anything else. I guess it's showing my privilege, but that's a thing I didn't realize anybody did until I joined this board.)

Same here, and I didn't encounter this notion anywhere outside this board.
In our family, we support one another. "Adulthood" status is not based on financial contributions.
My sister lived with her child at my parents' home for five years. I have lived temporarily with my whole family with my parents when we were between countries. My grandmother lived with our family growing up.
Btw, we pay for DS' and gf's rent as long as they are college students. That doesn't mean they aren't adults.

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by regentrude

[Bootsie]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Are you equating a parent child relationship to a spouse/spouse relationship?

No, I am saying that I know many adults who do not pay rent, and have never paid rent.  So, I do not equate "paying rent" with being an adult.  

[regentrude]

7 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

No, I am saying that I know many adults who do not pay rent, and have never paid rent.  So, I do not equate "paying rent" with being an adult.  

that same discussion comes up occasionally when a parent says that young adults who don't earn money and contribute don't deserve to be treated as full adults as long as they're "in my house".
(It's especially ironic when the person who mentions "her" house also doesn't earn an income and lives off a spouse)

Edited April 21, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

If decisions of whether or not to charge rent are based upon whether a kid need a nudge and to grow up, then I think that is a different philosophy than parents charging rent "to treat them like an adult".  If the rent is to induce a child toward certain behavior then the rent, IMO, is about parenting, not about treating the child as an adult.  

I think you might be picking at words.  Because obviously if they need parenting they aren't quite to adulthood.  

[WildflowerMom]

2 minutes ago, regentrude said:

that same discussion comes up repeatedly when a parent says that young adults who don't earn money and contribute don't deserve to be treated as full adults as long as they're "in my house".
(It's especially ironic when the person who mentions "her" house also doesn't earn an income and lives off a spouse)

I’m not sure who you’re talking about here, but are you saying that a stay-at-home spouse does not equally contribute to the household and instead is living off his/her spouse?    Are you saying a home is the property of only the person who goes to work?  Surely I’m reading that wrong...  

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

that same discussion comes up repeatedly when a parent says that young adults who don't earn money and contribute don't deserve to be treated as full adults as long as they're "in my house".
(It's especially ironic when the person who mentions "her" house also doesn't earn an income and lives off a spouse)

I see a very real difference between a parent/child relationship and the partnership of a marriage.

[Bootsie]

Just now, Scarlett said:

I think you might be picking at words.  Because obviously if they need parenting they aren't quite to adulthood.  

I am not sure how I am picking at words.  To me, if one is charging rent it is either an attitude of 

1)Adults pay rent.  All Adults pay rent.  Whether you are Child A, Child B, Brother, Mother, Cousin you pay rent.

or 

2) We think you need a nudge. We will charge you rent (Parenting)

 

[pinball]

Well, I  think he should buy a house as an investment and rent it out, and still continue to live with you.

that way, the house will pay for itself and he can save more money to buy a second house.

he can use the money he saves while living with you to hire his dad to be his property manager

[Scarlett]

11 minutes ago, regentrude said:

Same here, and I didn't encounter this notion anywhere outside this board.
In our family, we support one another. "Adulthood" status is not based on financial contributions.
My sister lived with her child at my parents' home for five years.
I have lived temporarily with my whole family with my parents when we were between countries.
My grandmother lived with our family growing up.
Btw, we pay for DS' and gf's rent because they are college students. That doesn't mean they aren't adults.

 

The bolded is insulting.  People who charge their young adults rent can very much be 'supporting' those adults as best as they are able.  Maybe some need the money to run the house.  Maybe some cultures 'support' each other in different ways than you do.

[Bootsie]

2 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I’m not sure who you’re talking about here, but are you saying that a stay-at-home spouse does not equally contribute to the household and instead is living off his/her spouse?    Are you saying a home is the property of only the person who goes to work?  Surely I’m reading that wrong...  

I think the same thing can be said for non-spousal adults living in a household.  Adults in a household can all contribute in different ways.  It seems logically inconsistent to say one person can contribute to the household in non-financial ways, but that other family members are acting like adults only if the contribute financially.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I am not sure how I am picking at words.  To me, if one is charging rent it is either an attitude of 

1)Adults pay rent.  All Adults pay rent.  Whether you are Child A, Child B, Brother, Mother, Cousin you pay rent.

or 

2) We think you need a nudge. We will charge you rent (Parenting)

 

I don't see it so black and white as that. But oh well.  People see things differently.

[regentrude]

6 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I see a very real difference between a parent/child relationship and the partnership of a marriage.

But we're not talking about a child. We're talking about an adult.
My relationship to my adult son/ daughter is a relationship between equals. I may have more life experience, may have more money, but we are equals. I may be able to give advice or help out financially, but I don't make rules how they need to govern their lives.

Edited April 21, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Bootsie said:

I think the same thing can be said for non-spousal adults living in a household.  Adults in a household can all contribute in different ways.  It seems logically inconsistent to say one person can contribute to the household in non-financial ways, but that other family members are acting like adults only if the contribute financially.  

Maybe this is the key.  But again I don't believe a marriage is the same dynamic as a parent/child. Our job as parents is to get our children to self sufficiency if possible.

[Bootsie]

2 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

The bolded is insulting.  People who charge their young adults rent can very much be 'supporting' those adults as best as they are able.  Maybe some need the money to run the house.  Maybe some cultures 'support' each other in different ways than you do.

How is what the poster said insulting?  She stated what is done in her family.  She did not make a statement of whether anyone else was or was not supporting adult members of their family.  

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

But we're not talking about a child. We're talking about an adult.
My relationship to my adult son/ daughter is a relationship between equals. I may have more life experience, may have more money, but we are equals. I may be able to give advice or help out financially, but I don't make rules how they need to govern their lives.

I have no desire to make rules on how my adult children govern their lives.  This is strictly about what goes on in my (and my husband's) house.  

[regentrude]

7 minutes ago, WildflowerMom said:

I’m not sure who you’re talking about here, but are you saying that a stay-at-home spouse does not equally contribute to the household and instead is living off his/her spouse?    Are you saying a home is the property of only the person who goes to work?  Surely I’m reading that wrong...  

No. I am critiquing the notion I sometimes read on here that "if young adult does not contribute financially, they are not a full adult and have to live by my rules because this is my house" (which I do not agree with), and I was pointing out the particular irony when the speaker of such phrase also does not contribute financially  - because then there is no financial difference between the speaker and the young adult and the whole concept seems even more ridiculous

 

[regentrude]

1 minute ago, Scarlett said:

I have no desire to make rules on how my adult children govern their lives.  This is strictly about what goes on in my (and my husband's) house.  

case in point, LOL

 

Edited April 21, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

3 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

How is what the poster said insulting?  She stated what is done in her family.  She did not make a statement of whether anyone else was or was not supporting adult members of their family.  

She said she had not encountered this 'charging young adults rent' except on this board. And then said 'we support each other'---to me that is saying people who do charge their young adults rent aren't being supportive of their young adult children.

[Bootsie]

3 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I don't see it so black and white as that. But oh well.  People see things differently.

Yes, I know people see things differently, and there are very different situations for different families.  The most disastrous situations I have seen personally is when parents continue parenting but say that they are treating their kids as adults.  They do things like charge rent, because that's what adults do, but then complain that the child bought a new pair of shoes, because the child should save money, or complain that the child is staying out too late, or something else.  Or they say things like "We will start charging rent soon..." without specifics.  Then it really becomes about the child acting like the parent desires, not about the parent treating the child as an adult/equal. 

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

case in point, LOL

 

What case and what point?

[regentrude]

Just now, Scarlett said:

What case and what point?

it's your house and hence presumably your rules. Not your family's. Why is that? And how is that NOT making rules for young adult who lives wit you?

Edited April 21, 2021 by regentrude

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Bootsie said:

Yes, I know people see things differently, and there are very different situations for different families.  The most disastrous situations I have seen personally is when parents continue parenting but say that they are treating their kids as adults.  They do things like charge rent, because that's what adults do, but then complain that the child bought a new pair of shoes, because the child should save money, or complain that the child is staying out too late, or something else.  Or they say things like "We will start charging rent soon..." without specifics.  Then it really becomes about the child acting like the parent desires, not about the parent treating the child as an adult/equal. 

 

Oh I see.

[Scarlett]

Just now, regentrude said:

it's your house and presumably your rules. Not your family's. Why is that?

Because we bought it?  Shrug.  I don't see what you are trying to say.  Do you have no point when you believe your kids should go off and make their own life?  Just ok, well, they are legal age now, so my complete adult equal and I will never ask anything of them because we are equals and this is their home too.  

[regentrude]

Just now, Scarlett said:

Because we bought it?  Shrug.  I don't see what you are trying to say.  Do you have no point when you believe your kids should go off and make their own life?  Just ok, well, they are legal age now, so my complete adult equal and I will never ask anything of them because we are equals and this is their home too.  

A person can make their own, productive, valuable life and still live with their parents for even extended periods of time. Their living situation does not say anything about their competence as an adult.
I lived at home during college, so did my husband. My sister lived at home with her child for five years. My mother moved in to her mother's apartment when she got married and we lived as a multigenerational family until my grandmother's death at age 93.
None of this has anything to do with an inability to make a life of one's own.

A person can demonstrate that they are contributing to society and personal growth in ways that have nothing to do with paying rent.

Please note I don't say paying rent in itself is a bad thing. Some families need each family member who is able to contribute.
I am saying whether a person pays rent or not should not be taken as a hallmark of "adulthood" and determine whether a person is treated as an adult or not. because I find other markers much more important.

 

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, regentrude said:

A person can make their own, productive, valuable life and still live with their parents for even extended periods of time. Their living situation does not say anything about their competence as an adult.
I lived at home during college, so did my husband. My sister lived at home with her child for five years. My mother moved in to her mother's apartment when she got married and we lived as a multigenerational family until my grandmother's death at age 93.
None of this has anything to do with an inability to make a life of one's own.

A person can demonstrate that they are contributing to society and personal growth in ways that have nothing to do with paying rent.

Please note I don't say paying rent in itself is a bad thing. Some families need each family member who is able to contribute.
I am saying whether a person pays rent or not should not be taken as a hallmark of "adulthood" and determine whether a person is treated as an adult or not. because I find other markers much more important.

 

Ok. I can agree with that.  And yet, paying rent, or carrying one's load in other ways IS often a sign of adulthood.

[WildflowerMom]

Scarlett, I used to have black-and-white thinking when it came to charging kids rent.   Now?  not so much.   

Every situation is different.   We even considered it for ds.   I don’t think anyone who knows us irl would ever say we don’t “take care of each other.”   Hah!  That’s actually laughable. 
 

if you do go that route, personally I would save it up for dss or at least a portion of it and gift it to him when he moves out, but that’s just me.  Ymmv. 

[WildflowerMom]

11 minutes ago, regentrude said:

A person can make their own, productive, valuable life and still live with their parents for even extended periods of time. Their living situation does not say anything about their competence as an adult.
I lived at home during college, so did my husband. My sister lived at home with her child for five years. My mother moved in to her mother's apartment when she got married and we lived as a multigenerational family until my grandmother's death at age 93.
None of this has anything to do with an inability to make a life of one's own.

A person can demonstrate that they are contributing to society and personal growth in ways that have nothing to do with paying rent.

Please note I don't say paying rent in itself is a bad thing. Some families need each family member who is able to contribute.
I am saying whether a person pays rent or not should not be taken as a hallmark of "adulthood" and determine whether a person is treated as an adult or not. because I find other markers much more important.

 

Yes, I absolutely agree. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, WildflowerMom said:

Scarlett, I used to have black-and-white thinking when it came to charging kids rent.   Now?  not so much.   

Every situation is different.   We even considered it for ds.   I don’t think anyone who knows us irl would ever say we don’t “take care of each other.”   Hah!  That’s actually laughable. 
 

if you do go that route, personally I would save it up for dss or at least a portion of it and gift it to him when he moves out, but that’s just me.  Ymmv. 

Yes, we can probably do that. 

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, regentrude said:

A person can make their own, productive, valuable life and still live with their parents for even extended periods of time. Their living situation does not say anything about their competence as an adult.
I lived at home during college, so did my husband. My sister lived at home with her child for five years. My mother moved in to her mother's apartment when she got married and we lived as a multigenerational family until my grandmother's death at age 93.
None of this has anything to do with an inability to make a life of one's own.

A person can demonstrate that they are contributing to society and personal growth in ways that have nothing to do with paying rent.

Please note I don't say paying rent in itself is a bad thing. Some families need each family member who is able to contribute.
I am saying whether a person pays rent or not should not be taken as a hallmark of "adulthood" and determine whether a person is treated as an adult or not. because I find other markers much more important.

 

I know many of many variations of these types of situations--and among some of the most mature, responsible people that I know.  

I have a colleague who is a college professor who is about about 50 years old--he lives with his mother or now it is probably more accurate that his mother lives with him.

I know a brother and sister who live together in the home they grew up in.  They are in their 60s and have never paid rent.  They had a brother with severe disabilities and stayed in the family home to care for him.  

I have a cousin who inherited his grandmother's house after she died while he was in his early 20s.  He lives there now with his wife and child.  He has never paid rent.

I have friends that the parents live downstairs and the kids/grandkids live in a second floor apartment; the home has been in the family for generations, no one pays rent.  

DH's cousin who is lives with her father; he was incredibly lonely after his wife died and they keep each other company; she doesn't pay rent; it meets the needs of both of them.

[WildflowerMom]

None of those examples are what the OP is dealing with.    

[hippymamato3]

3 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I don't have any problem with parents who choose to charge their young adult children rent.  But, I do not agree that not doing so is not treating them like an adult.  My mom never paid rent.  She went from living in her parents home to being married and my father working and paying the rent.  He never charged her rent.  

Is this a thing that spouses do? I have never heard of this. 

[Bootsie]

22 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

Is this a thing that spouses do? I have never heard of this. 

I do know of situations in which a spouse has paid rent when one partner owned property as separate property before they were married.  And I know of situations in which one partner has provided 100% of the financial resources for housing in which the couple lives in without charging rent or receiving any financial contribution from the spouse. 

But, my point was that there are a number of situations in which someone is a full-fledged, functioning, responsible adult without ever paying rent or having practiced paying rent.  

[hippymamato3]

20 minutes ago, Bootsie said:

I do know of situations in which a spouse has paid rent when one partner owned property as separate property before they were married.  And I know of situations in which one partner has provided 100% of the financial resources for housing in which the couple lives in without charging rent or receiving any financial contribution from the spouse. 

But, my point was that there are a number of situations in which someone is a full-fledged, functioning, responsible adult without ever paying rent or having practiced paying rent.  

I've always assumed this is how most (all?) households work with a SAHP. 

[Scarlett]

47 minutes ago, hippymamato3 said:

I've always assumed this is how most (all?) households work with a SAHP. 

Me too. 

[Scarlett]

2 hours ago, Bootsie said:

I know many of many variations of these types of situations--and among some of the most mature, responsible people that I know.  

I have a colleague who is a college professor who is about about 50 years old--he lives with his mother or now it is probably more accurate that his mother lives with him.

I know a brother and sister who live together in the home they grew up in.  They are in their 60s and have never paid rent.  They had a brother with severe disabilities and stayed in the family home to care for him.  

I have a cousin who inherited his grandmother's house after she died while he was in his early 20s.  He lives there now with his wife and child.  He has never paid rent.

I have friends that the parents live downstairs and the kids/grandkids live in a second floor apartment; the home has been in the family for generations, no one pays rent.  

DH's cousin who is lives with her father; he was incredibly lonely after his wife died and they keep each other company; she doesn't pay rent; it meets the needs of both of them.

All of these examples are so far removed from having a young adult child in your home.  The dynamic and expectation is so different.  

Edited April 21, 2021 by Scarlett

[matrips]

My folks charged me rent; I think they started a few months after I graduated college. It took me back, I admit it.  But it also got me thinking- I was paying the same at home that 1/2 an apartment would cost. ($375 back in 1987). When I looked at it like that, there was more incentive (to me) to move out. While everything was paid for by my parents, I felt it was foolish to leave. 

so I think it was a good idea they had. It gave me the nudge to find my own place (with a friend), once everything was equal financially between staying and going. If I stayed home, my folks would have been fine. But I’m glad they made it an even field for choosing.

[Scarlett]

20 minutes ago, matrips said:

My folks charged me rent; I think they started a few months after I graduated college. It took me back, I admit it.  But it also got me thinking- I was paying the same at home that 1/2 an apartment would cost. ($375 back in 1987). When I looked at it like that, there was more incentive (to me) to move out. While everything was paid for by my parents, I felt it was foolish to leave. 

so I think it was a good idea they had. It gave me the nudge to find my own place (with a friend), once everything was equal financially between staying and going. If I stayed home, my folks would have been fine. But I’m glad they made it an even field for choosing.

Thank you this  is my thinking too.   What I wanted to charge is not enough to  rent his own apartment.  I would guess $200 cheaper than if he rented his own apartment.  And of course that doesn’t include utilities etc.  

[Danae]

26 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

All of these examples are so far removed from having a young adult child in your home.  The dynamic and expectation is so different.  

Yes, but the point is that blanket statements about not charging rent = not treating like an adult aren't valid.

 

 

If a 20 year old's parents let them live at home rent-free some here would say that's not an adult housing situation.  But if a 20 year old's parents die and leave them the house then it would be.  It's silly. Families should make whatever living arrangements with whatever method of financial exchange fit their values and circumstances across however many generations want to be a part of the arrangement.  

People who don't want their young adults living at home rent-free can have that expectation without insinuating that families that make other choices are stunting their younger generation's maturity.

[Scarlett]

1 minute ago, Danae said:

Yes, but the point is that blanket statements about not charging rent = not treating like an adult aren't valid.

 

 

If a 20 year old's parents let them live at home rent-free some here would say that's not an adult housing situation.  But if a 20 year old's parents die and leave them the house then it would be.  It's silly. Families should make whatever living arrangements with whatever method of financial exchange fit their values and circumstances across however many generations want to be a part of the arrangement.  

People who don't want their young adults living at home rent-free can have that expectation without insinuating that families that make other choices are stunting their younger generation's maturity.

It is kind of weird that so much focus is given on other situations when the thread was about a 20 year old.  But oh well. 

[Bootsie]

1 hour ago, hippymamato3 said:

I've always assumed this is how most (all?) households work with a SAHP. 

Actually I know of some households in which the SAHP has provided 100% financially from their own resources for the home the family lives in--either from money that they earned before marriage and children or from an inheritance.  

[Catwoman]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I have no desire to make rules on how my adult children govern their lives.  This is strictly about what goes on in my (and my husband's) house.  

 

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Because we bought it?  Shrug.  I don't see what you are trying to say.  Do you have no point when you believe your kids should go off and make their own life?  Just ok, well, they are legal age now, so my complete adult equal and I will never ask anything of them because we are equals and this is their home too.  

I think there may simply be a difference in family culture here. 

Based on the posts I quoted above, it seems as though you think of your home as belonging to you and your husband, and you allow your kids to live there until such time that you and your husband decide it’s time for them to move out (or, obviously, when they decide to move out on their own, if that comes first.) 

Others of us view the family home as belonging to the entire family, and everyone is welcome to live there as long as they would like because it’s everyone’s home, and the kids know that even if they move out, they can always move back in. 

That may be why some of us would never consider charging our children rent to live in their own homes unless the family was in financial need, while others find it perfectly normal to do so, just as a matter of course. 

I think it’s one of those things where what’s right for one family is different from what’s right for another family, but as long as everyone is happy with their arrangement, it’s all good.  🙂 

 

 

[Scarlett]

9 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I think there may simply be a difference in family culture here. 

Based on the posts I quoted above, it seems as though you think of your home as belonging to you and your husband, and you allow your kids to live there until such time that you and your husband decide it’s time for them to move out (or, obviously, when they decide to move out on their own, if that comes first.) 

Others of us view the family home as belonging to the entire family, and everyone is welcome to live there as long as they would like because it’s everyone’s home, and the kids know that even if they move out, they can always move back in. 

That may be why some of us would never consider charging our children rent to live in their own homes unless the family was in financial need, while others find it perfectly normal to do so, just as a matter of course. 

I think it’s one of those things where what’s right for one family is different from what’s right for another family, but as long as everyone is happy with their arrangement, it’s all good.  🙂 

 

 

Well Cat you have an only child so I am not sure you can fully understand the long term effects of saying 3 boys can live at home forever, rent free and/or come back if they need to.  
 

And I don’t have a clear idea of how it should go.  I graduated on a Tuesday and moved out on a Friday. I did not turn 18 for about 6 weeks.  I was thrilled to be on my own.  I don’t see the same feelings in most kids these days.  

[Catwoman]

47 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Well Cat you have an only child so I am not sure you can fully understand the long term effects of saying 3 boys can live at home forever, rent free and/or come back if they need to.  
 

And I don’t have a clear idea of how it should go.  I graduated on a Tuesday and moved out on a Friday. I did not turn 18 for about 6 weeks.  I was thrilled to be on my own.  I don’t see the same feelings in most kids these days.  

 

My entire family feels the same way I do, and so do my dh’s family and my SIL’s family, and almost all of them have large families — and kids are welcome to live at home rent-free for as long as they like, and they know they are always welcome to come back home at any time after they move out. My dh and I are the only ones who have one child. My brother had 4 kids, and my SIL’s siblings all have between 3 and 8 children. My SIL comes from a family of 8 kids.

It’s not a matter of how many kids are in a family. It’s a matter of the family culture. We believe that home is forever, and wherever Mom and Dad are, that’s the family home for everyone whenever they need it.

Did you ever have all three boys living with you? I only remember your own son and your dss living with you (since your dss was in his early teens, I think?)   I thought your dh’s other son always lived with his mom. I’m sorry if I’m remembering incorrectly!

I’m not sure why you think kids should be in such a big rush to leave home when they turn 18 (or 20 or whatever.) If they are in a happy and loving home, what’s the hurry?

Edited April 22, 2021 by Catwoman
Forgot something! And then I found a typo. Words are hard!

[DawnM]

6 hours ago, pinball said:

Well, I  think he should buy a house as an investment and rent it out, and still continue to live with you.

that way, the house will pay for itself and he can save more money to buy a second house.

he can use the money he saves while living with you to hire his dad to be his property manager

My cousin did this.   He lived with his parents into his mid 20s and then bought a house.   He came home and said, "Well, I have good news and bad news.   good news is I bought a house.   Bad news is I can't afford to live in it yet."   He rented it out for several years and stayed in his parents' house for about 8 more years until he got married.

[DawnM]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Well Cat you have an only child so I am not sure you can fully understand the long term effects of saying 3 boys can live at home forever, rent free and/or come back if they need to.  

 

And I don’t have a clear idea of how it should go.  I graduated on a Tuesday and moved out on a Friday. I did not turn 18 for about 6 weeks.  I was thrilled to be on my own.  I don’t see the same feelings in most kids these days.  

 

I have 2 adult boys and a 17 year old boy and we have an open door policy.   Right now 23 year old is living at home, 21 year old is not but will be coming back, and 17 year old and 3 year old live at home.

I would rather them save for a long period of time.

And like you, I left home right after graduation and didn't ever live back at home.