Young adults and mortgages

[Scarlett]

37 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

My entire family feels the same way I do, and so do my dh’s family and my SIL’s family, and almost all of them have large families — and kids are welcome to live at home rent-free for as long as they like, and they know they are always welcome to come back home at any time after they move out. My dh and I are the only ones who have one child. My brother had 4 kids, and my SIL’s siblings all have between 3 and 8 children. My SIL comes from a family of 8 kids.

It’s not a matter of how many kids are in a family. It’s a matter of the family culture. We believe that home is forever, and wherever Mom and Dad are, that’s the family home for everyone whenever they need it.

Did you ever have all three boys living with you? I only remember your own son and your dss living with you (since your dss was in his early teens, I think?)   I thought your dh’s other son always lived with his mom. I’m sorry if I’m remembering incorrectly!

I’m not sure why you think kids should be in such a big rush to leave home when they turn 18. If they are in a happy and loving home, what’s the hurry?

Not a rush exactly. But certainly the norm in my world for young adults to make their own life in their own home.  It is what I did, my Xh, my current husband, all of my friends and their kids.  20 is not that old for sure.  But I don’t want to house my adult kids indefinitely absent some real need.  

[QueenCat]

42 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

My entire family feels the same way I do, and so do my dh’s family and my SIL’s family, and almost all of them have large families — and kids are welcome to live at home rent-free for as long as they like, and they know they are always welcome to come back home at any time after they move out. My dh and I are the only ones who have one child. My brother had 4 kids, and my SIL’s siblings all have between 3 and 8 children. My SIL comes from a family of 8 kids.

It’s not a matter of how many kids are in a family. It’s a matter of the family culture. We believe that home is forever, and wherever Mom and Dad are, that’s the family home for everyone whenever they need it.

 

This is the norm in my world too. None of my cousins/siblings expect their kids to be on their own until after college, or for most, grad school. They are welcome at home, rent free, as long as they need it. And  yes, even if there are multiple kids in the family, 

[Moonhawk]

1 hour ago, Scarlett said:

Not a rush exactly. But certainly the norm in my world for young adults to make their own life in their own home.  It is what I did, my Xh, my current husband, all of my friends and their kids.  20 is not that old for sure.  But I don’t want to house my adult kids indefinitely absent some real need.  

So, what I'm saying isn't about you, your situation, or your dss. Using this as a jumping point. Like, I am going 3 steps up the concept fan and I'm not expecting anything I say to be applicable to your situation. I am, in fact, stating it is not, so that you don't think I'm trying to offend you personally.

I had a similar expectation growing up. There was no "going home after college" expectations. I was married and on my own at 20. House and kid by 22. So, understand, yeah, I'm not ragging on this ability.

I think a lot of times it's not a cultural thing as much as a class thing. [And no, I'm not saying anyone is low class. lol. But a generational thing that I don't think is developed until a family has been of a certain financial stability for a ~couple generations.]

I've found that, frankly, the kids, whose parents were fairly well off, were completely expected to either live at home or be given enough funds to help out with their first place. Or two places. Or just straight given a house. The financial "Take Care Of Yourself Completely" concept wasn't a part of their reality. 

They passed down a financial stability and safety that my parents simply didn't know to give because they didn't come from that type of privileged background. My parents thought, "We did it this way, that's what's done, and so that's what she'll do." They "gave me a better life" and expected that I would take the starting point and make my own way and be successful -- and since I'd been given a better start, if I messed it up it was completely just me blowing it since they were able to do it with the handicap of starting lower down.

And so I’m not saying that one isn’t wrong and the other is right. But I find the tendency to place a moral sheen of slight superiority that “we did it ourselves” is a bit off (or maybe a defense mechanism? probably is in my case, because I know this is something I struggle with when I look at my situation compared to my afore-mentioned friends). Just because one is easier on young adults doesn't mean it's automatically worse for them; I am not a better adult because I "made my own way" at an earlier age than some of my peers.*

And then, this is putting aside the financial reality that going out on your own is more difficult today than before. Maybe not where you live, but definitely where we are, and we are not from a traditional HCOL. DH and I were on our own 15 years ago but couldn't do the same now given the same jobs (and he had a college education, I had multiple certificates). Doable: yes. Able to save anything more than a couple hundred a month before emergencies like car issues: no. Have more than 1 car: no. So, able to travel in two different directions for jobs and better opportunities: no. Buy a house: heck no. 

*ETA as I continue my introspection: I think I am in fact a worse adult for some of my experiences. I have a scarcity mindset that is hard to shake, I have issues with making difficult investment decisions -- not because I don't understand, but because the risk needed for real improvement is difficult to take when I think about how hard it was to get the money together in the first place. I know that I technically have a safety net in my parents but the judgement that would come with really using it is...not going to let me use it. There are good things too, of course, but no, I'm not better at being an adult because I started a few years earlier.

Edited April 22, 2021 by Moonhawk

[Catwoman]

57 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Not a rush exactly. But certainly the norm in my world for young adults to make their own life in their own home.  It is what I did, my Xh, my current husband, all of my friends and their kids.  20 is not that old for sure.  But I don’t want to house my adult kids indefinitely absent some real need.  

I think it’s the norm for most young adults to make their own lives in their own homes at some point. The only difference is that some people are more eager to see their kids move out as soon as possible after high school, while others are happy to let them stay at home as long as they would like — often through grad school at least, to give them a chance to get on their feet financially before they have to start paying a lot of bills. Also, in my case, my son and I have a great time together, so I love having him here at home!

Different things work for different families. I mean, you’re not exactly throwing your dss out on the street! 😉 You’re working with him to gradually assume more adult responsibilities, and at some point, he will move out. Given the fact that this is the norm among your family and friends, he probably knows what to expect and may be looking forward to his independence. I hope he is — he sounds like such a nice young man, and he will probably like living with his friend, if the guy can ever finish the work on his house so they can move in!

Also, I hope he gets the better job! When will he find out if he got it?

[Carrie12345]

9 hours ago, Catwoman said:

It’s not a matter of how many kids are in a family. It’s a matter of the family culture. We believe that home is forever, and wherever Mom and Dad are, that’s the family home for everyone whenever they need it

This is basically how I operate, but I readily admit that it comes with stipulations. And money isn’t one of them, lol.

My current fledgling is a tornado. I’d give her my organs, take a bullet for her, bury a body for her... whatever.  But she has my nasty temper and her father’s lack of filter or self-awareness. Even when she comes to visit, she strews belongings all over the house and then leaves with half of them remaining wherever they were dropped. And I’m some sort of monster for mentioning these things. 
I adore my human tornado, and she’s welcome to live with me rent-free until I die... if she leaves the chaos outside. In the meantime, I can tolerate the tamped down version for visits!

ETA: There is no amount of rent money that would make living with her at full force easier, so why would I bother? I’d be more tempted to buy a house FOR her. 😜 

I’m no expert, but my 3 young adults (well, one is about to be a young adult) are completely different from one another. My two sisters and I are completely different from one another. It makes it impossible for me to believe there’s a one size fits all solution for every young adult and their families.  There are so many different situations that I can’t even see calling them exceptions.

Edited April 22, 2021 by Carrie12345

[Innisfree]

One element which hasn't been mentioned here is that (not all, but most) young adults who go to college are physically living somewhere other than their family home much of the year. This is even more generally true for grad school. So, they gain a few extra years before anyone expects them to function as fully independent providers of their own housing, and gain more maturity while that time passes. But also, tensions which might crop up if they're home all.the.time but somehow not fitting smoothly into the family dynamics get diffused a bit. If @Scarlett's dss were in college, he'd likely only be a junior or so at 20.

And, then, I think this is very true, and applies after college:

8 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

I've found that, frankly, the kids, whose parents were fairly well off, were completely expected to either live at home or be given enough funds to help out with their first place. Or two places. Or just straight given a house. The financial "Take Care Of Yourself Completely" concept wasn't a part of their reality. 

 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Innisfree

[Wheres Toto]

10 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well Cat you have an only child so I am not sure you can fully understand the long term effects of saying 3 boys can live at home forever, rent free and/or come back if they need to.  
 

And I don’t have a clear idea of how it should go.  I graduated on a Tuesday and moved out on a Friday. I did not turn 18 for about 6 weeks.  I was thrilled to be on my own.  I don’t see the same feelings in most kids these days.  

I have 3 kids and a VERY small house.  They are still all welcome to return/stay if they need to.   

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 19 to move in with my future (now ex) husband.  I didn't feel overly welcome so was eager to leave (they charged me rent but that wasn't the only problem, lots of "babying" going on as well).   In hindsight, moving out that young was not the greatest plan.   I lived with them again right after I divorced for 6 months.  Again, was "welcomed" but didn't feel completely welcome and ended up moving out fairly quickly.  Would have been much smarter to stay a bit longer and let things stabilize.  

Older dd lives with my mom but is working hard to figure out a way to move out.  She finishes grad school in May, has more schooling to do but also has a decent full time job, but we live in a very HCOL area and rents are ridiculous in any area that would be considered remotely safe.  She actually may be moving into the apartment complex we lived in shortly after I left my mom's house after the divorce. 

It takes an income of over $50,000 a year to get a safe 1 bedroom apartment around here.  Studios are over $1000 a month. 

I definitely wouldn't encourage any young adult who doesn't have to to buy a house right now in our area.  Houses are going for double (or more) what they would have a year and a half ago.  It's definitely going to crash soon.  Dd's boyfriend owned his own townhouse that he just sold for way more than he paid, paid off his mortgage and a bunch of other debt, is going to live with his parents for a while until the market comes down and then buy again.  He's a veteran with a stable full time career.   I think that is an extremely responsible plan for long term stability.    I don't think rushing to buy a house young unless someone is independently wealthy is a good plan for long term stability right now.  IMO. 

[teachermom2834]

Just thoughts- not applicable to Scarlett’s situation. 
 

I have a 22 yo fully independent from us. He has a good job but shares a house with three college buddies as they all get started in their careers and save money. I keep telling everyone else his situation is not typical and we can’t judge other young twentysomethings on it. Most 22 yo aren’t trying to figure out where to invest the extra income they don’t need. Great for him but I can’t honestly say “my 22 yo does it so, everyone else can too.” And I would say while he isn’t dependent on us he is somewhat dependent on his living situation and bills being split 4 ways.

My second ds is 20 yo and graduated from college. He struggles some in school so it isn’t because he is gifted but because he had de credit and took summer classes. He is not yet fully independent. We have older folks in our family commenting on this because he graduated from college. But he is still 20. I don’t feel like it is nice if we cut him off because he did the hard work of getting graduated fast. It doesn’t sit right with me that we would have continued to help him if it took him until he was 22 (or older!) to graduate. So we are still helping him and he is looking diligently for a full time professional job. He could go back to his previously part time gig selling sneakers. But I honestly don’t want him to. I don’t want him to get distracted from his goal of securing employment in his field and I want him to look for a job as a full time job. I think this is better help to get him towards independence than cutting him off. This grace period won’t last forever but I’m comfortable with it now as he is getting responses on resumes and interviews and I feel like he will get something soon. 
 

And when he does get something I would be comfortable continuing to help him. I would love to help him out while he establishes good saving habits and credit habits. I would be happy to help some if it meant he was getting in the habit of contributing to his retirement and emergency savings. Lately I have thought to myself that it is the privilege of a lifetime to be able to help! So like a previous poster said about privilege- I think of it that way too. Dh and I had no help - financial or even emotional support or guidance. We did figure it out but it took a lot longer than those that had some help and honestly getting a late start getting on our feet can never be recovered. He makes a good salary now but there is kind of no real catching up. I don’t think we are better people for it. I actually think I have some kind of PTSD from financial strain. I wake up in the middle of the night worried about how to pay for something and we really are fine. But it is hard to shake. I have a difficult time enjoying anything that costs much money. If I can help my kids I will. Of course the deal changes if they are not being responsible people. Right now it feels like helping people who are helping themselves too.  More of a partnership than freeloading. 
 

There are lots of ways to handle this that are moral and supportive and result in functioning adults.

[DawnM]

9 hours ago, Moonhawk said:

So, what I'm saying isn't about you, your situation, or your dss. Using this as a jumping point. Like, I am going 3 steps up the concept fan and I'm not expecting anything I say to be applicable to your situation. I am, in fact, stating it is not, so that you don't think I'm trying to offend you personally.

I had a similar expectation growing up. There was no "going home after college" expectations. I was married and on my own at 20. House and kid by 22. So, understand, yeah, I'm not ragging on this ability.

I think a lot of times it's not a cultural thing as much as a class thing. [And no, I'm not saying anyone is low class. lol. But a generational thing that I don't think is developed until a family has been of a certain financial stability for a ~couple generations.]

I've found that, frankly, the kids, whose parents were fairly well off, were completely expected to either live at home or be given enough funds to help out with their first place. Or two places. Or just straight given a house. The financial "Take Care Of Yourself Completely" concept wasn't a part of their reality. 

They passed down a financial stability and safety that my parents simply didn't know to give because they didn't come from that type of privileged background. My parents thought, "We did it this way, that's what's done, and so that's what she'll do." They "gave me a better life" and expected that I would take the starting point and make my own way and be successful -- and since I'd been given a better start, if I messed it up it was completely just me blowing it since they were able to do it with the handicap of starting lower down.

And so I’m not saying that one isn’t wrong and the other is right. But I find the tendency to place a moral sheen of slight superiority that “we did it ourselves” is a bit off (or maybe a defense mechanism? probably is in my case, because I know this is something I struggle with when I look at my situation compared to my afore-mentioned friends). Just because one is easier on young adults doesn't mean it's automatically worse for them; I am not a better adult because I "made my own way" at an earlier age than some of my peers.*

And then, this is putting aside the financial reality that going out on your own is more difficult today than before. Maybe not where you live, but definitely where we are, and we are not from a traditional HCOL. DH and I were on our own 15 years ago but couldn't do the same now given the same jobs (and he had a college education, I had multiple certificates). Doable: yes. Able to save anything more than a couple hundred a month before emergencies like car issues: no. Have more than 1 car: no. So, able to travel in two different directions for jobs and better opportunities: no. Buy a house: heck no. 

*ETA as I continue my introspection: I think I am in fact a worse adult for some of my experiences. I have a scarcity mindset that is hard to shake, I have issues with making difficult investment decisions -- not because I don't understand, but because the risk needed for real improvement is difficult to take when I think about how hard it was to get the money together in the first place. I know that I technically have a safety net in my parents but the judgement that would come with really using it is...not going to let me use it. There are good things too, of course, but no, I'm not better at being an adult because I started a few years earlier.

Interesting theory.    And you might be on to something.   I didn't come from great wealth, but my parents did pay for my college and when I was 30 and newly married they gave us some $$ for a downpayment on our first house.   

We are doing the same for our boys, although it looks a little different since we have 4 kids and my parents only had one.    We are paying for our kids' college expenses up to a certain amount, we have allowed our kids to use our cars (still in our name but we refer to them as "X child's car") and have given them the tools to fly out on their own in the future with a solid start.

We also have also talked to our boys a lot about finances.   We also have a child with Autism who we don't know when/if he can live on his own and support himself.   

[hjffkj]

11 hours ago, Catwoman said:

 

My entire family feels the same way I do, and so do my dh’s family and my SIL’s family, and almost all of them have large families — and kids are welcome to live at home rent-free for as long as they like, and they know they are always welcome to come back home at any time after they move out. My dh and I are the only ones who have one child. My brother had 4 kids, and my SIL’s siblings all have between 3 and 8 children. My SIL comes from a family of 8 kids.

It’s not a matter of how many kids are in a family. It’s a matter of the family culture. We believe that home is forever, and wherever Mom and Dad are, that’s the family home for everyone whenever they need it.

Did you ever have all three boys living with you? I only remember your own son and your dss living with you (since your dss was in his early teens, I think?)   I thought your dh’s other son always lived with his mom. I’m sorry if I’m remembering incorrectly!

I’m not sure why you think kids should be in such a big rush to leave home when they turn 18 (or 20 or whatever.) If they are in a happy and loving home, what’s the hurry?

This is the norm in our family culture.  My parents have even held onto their house after moving in with us two years ago in order to allow to siblings to sell their homes and live rent free while they look for another house to buy.  Current brother has been there since June 2020 and just went under contract for his new house.  Previous brother was there over a year while selling his house and looking for something new.  

My dad has gone so far as to say he would be ashamed of himself if he charged his children rent. He does have them pay utilities in the current living arrangements since they are the ones using it.

[hjffkj]

@Moonhawk that is not the case in our family.  My parents were certainly not well off and neither were their parents. They have financial security now in retirement  but when they had kids they were actually pretty bad with money management.  They just strongly believe that their kids are always welcome to come home at no charge.

[cjzimmer1]

We have our older 2 children pay rent but not for any of the reasons that I've seen mentioned.  Our home is for all members of our family and as such we all contribute to the care and maintenance of it.  Some members have more time and some members have more money.  So those who have more time, contribute to more of the effort to do upkeep and those who have more money contribute financially.  

While we are okay financially, things are always tight.  We've always relied on the child tax credit, and dependent exemptions for a large refund to cover those things we never quite enough for.  Last year, the 2 eldest earned enough that we could no longer claim them.  And that hurt our refund (especially with the most recent stimulus) which leaves us tighter than ever.  They both made off very well because they were then eligible for all 3 stimulus plus they are both in full time jobs.  They pay us a token amount in rent (it's probably 1/4-1/3 of what they'd pay for rent and utilities of a studio apartment) but it's enough to offset things for us.  In exchange, they have almost no chores around the house since their contribution to the family is financial.  Both are saving to purchase a house when they move out and they are welcome to stay here however long that takes.  

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Wheres Toto said:

I have 3 kids and a VERY small house.  They are still all welcome to return/stay if they need to.   

I moved out of my mom's house when I was 19 to move in with my future (now ex) husband.  I didn't feel overly welcome so was eager to leave (they charged me rent but that wasn't the only problem, lots of "babying" going on as well).   In hindsight, moving out that young was not the greatest plan.   I lived with them again right after I divorced for 6 months.  Again, was "welcomed" but didn't feel completely welcome and ended up moving out fairly quickly.  Would have been much smarter to stay a bit longer and let things stabilize.  

Older dd lives with my mom but is working hard to figure out a way to move out.  She finishes grad school in May, has more schooling to do but also has a decent full time job, but we live in a very HCOL area and rents are ridiculous in any area that would be considered remotely safe.  She actually may be moving into the apartment complex we lived in shortly after I left my mom's house after the divorce. 

It takes an income of over $50,000 a year to get a safe 1 bedroom apartment around here.  Studios are over $1000 a month. 

I definitely wouldn't encourage any young adult who doesn't have to to buy a house right now in our area.  Houses are going for double (or more) what they would have a year and a half ago.  It's definitely going to crash soon.  Dd's boyfriend owned his own townhouse that he just sold for way more than he paid, paid off his mortgage and a bunch of other debt, is going to live with his parents for a while until the market comes down and then buy again.  He's a veteran with a stable full time career.   I think that is an extremely responsible plan for long term stability.    I don't think rushing to buy a house young unless someone is independently wealthy is a good plan for long term stability right now.  IMO. 

I agree.  A year ago houses here were selling very quickly but not overpriced.  Just in the past 60 days things have started to go for way more than they are worth IMO.  I am so thankful we are not looking to buy right now.  And of course dss20 isn't needing to either.  It was just an idea we briefly mentioned to him to show him some possibilities...  Thankfully he has a stable job and he seems to be understanding the need to work full time.  He has a good savings account and no expenses to speak of ($200 a month for his car insurance, medical insurance and phone).  

Hopefully his friend will finish up the house soon.  

[Scarlett]

25 minutes ago, cjzimmer1 said:

We have our older 2 children pay rent but not for any of the reasons that I've seen mentioned.  Our home is for all members of our family and as such we all contribute to the care and maintenance of it.  Some members have more time and some members have more money.  So those who have more time, contribute to more of the effort to do upkeep and those who have more money contribute financially.  

While we are okay financially, things are always tight.  We've always relied on the child tax credit, and dependent exemptions for a large refund to cover those things we never quite enough for.  Last year, the 2 eldest earned enough that we could no longer claim them.  And that hurt our refund (especially with the most recent stimulus) which leaves us tighter than ever.  They both made off very well because they were then eligible for all 3 stimulus plus they are both in full time jobs.  They pay us a token amount in rent (it's probably 1/4-1/3 of what they'd pay for rent and utilities of a studio apartment) but it's enough to offset things for us.  In exchange, they have almost no chores around the house since their contribution to the family is financial.  Both are saving to purchase a house when they move out and they are welcome to stay here however long that takes.  

This is similar to the situation we are in but all 3 of us are working full time.....well dss is working very close to 40 hours.  Dh works more than that and has the longest commute.  

 

[pinball]

11 hours ago, DawnM said:

My cousin did this.   He lived with his parents into his mid 20s and then bought a house.   He came home and said, "Well, I have good news and bad news.   good news is I bought a house.   Bad news is I can't afford to live in it yet."   He rented it out for several years and stayed in his parents' house for about 8 more years until he got married.

I know several people who did this. Interestingly, 2 of them first bought duplexes but still stayed in the family home.

I thought it was smart, and almost predictable by their family culture.

 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, teachermom2834 said:

Just thoughts- not applicable to Scarlett’s situation. 
 

I have a 22 yo fully independent from us. He has a good job but shares a house with three college buddies as they all get started in their careers and save money. I keep telling everyone else his situation is not typical and we can’t judge other young twentysomethings on it. Most 22 yo aren’t trying to figure out where to invest the extra income they don’t need. Great for him but I can’t honestly say “my 22 yo does it so, everyone else can too.” And I would say while he isn’t dependent on us he is somewhat dependent on his living situation and bills being split 4 ways.

My second ds is 20 yo and graduated from college. He struggles some in school so it isn’t because he is gifted but because he had de credit and took summer classes. He is not yet fully independent. We have older folks in our family commenting on this because he graduated from college. But he is still 20. I don’t feel like it is nice if we cut him off because he did the hard work of getting graduated fast. It doesn’t sit right with me that we would have continued to help him if it took him until he was 22 (or older!) to graduate. So we are still helping him and he is looking diligently for a full time professional job. He could go back to his previously part time gig selling sneakers. But I honestly don’t want him to. I don’t want him to get distracted from his goal of securing employment in his field and I want him to look for a job as a full time job. I think this is better help to get him towards independence than cutting him off. This grace period won’t last forever but I’m comfortable with it now as he is getting responses on resumes and interviews and I feel like he will get something soon. 
 

And when he does get something I would be comfortable continuing to help him. I would love to help him out while he establishes good saving habits and credit habits. I would be happy to help some if it meant he was getting in the habit of contributing to his retirement and emergency savings. Lately I have thought to myself that it is the privilege of a lifetime to be able to help! So like a previous poster said about privilege- I think of it that way too. Dh and I had no help - financial or even emotional support or guidance. We did figure it out but it took a lot longer than those that had some help and honestly getting a late start getting on our feet can never be recovered. He makes a good salary now but there is kind of no real catching up. I don’t think we are better people for it. I actually think I have some kind of PTSD from financial strain. I wake up in the middle of the night worried about how to pay for something and we really are fine. But it is hard to shake. I have a difficult time enjoying anything that costs much money. If I can help my kids I will. Of course the deal changes if they are not being responsible people. Right now it feels like helping people who are helping themselves too.  More of a partnership than freeloading. 
 

There are lots of ways to handle this that are moral and supportive and result in functioning adults.

I am happy to help our kids too.  We have done different things for all 3 but the 20 year old is the one I feel is so unworried that he could easily just drift along forever living with us and having no bills.  He does save though, although it has sort of been more accidental than intentional.  I think he is now realize how much he has saved in just 2 years and what he is capable of, and thanks in part to our discussions about houses he is realizing what he would need down to get a decent house (once this bubble bursts).

[Scarlett]

3 hours ago, Carrie12345 said:

This is basically how I operate, but I readily admit that it comes with stipulations. And money isn’t one of them, lol.

My current fledgling is a tornado. I’d give her my organs, take a bullet for her, bury a body for her... whatever.  But she has my nasty temper and her father’s lack of filter or self-awareness. Even when she comes to visit, she strews belongings all over the house and then leaves with half of them remaining wherever they were dropped. And I’m some sort of monster for mentioning these things. 
I adore my human tornado, and she’s welcome to live with me rent-free until I die... if she leaves the chaos outside. In the meantime, I can tolerate the tamped down version for visits!

ETA: There is no amount of rent money that would make living with her at full force easier, so why would I bother? I’d be more tempted to buy a house FOR her. 😜 

I’m no expert, but my 3 young adults (well, one is about to be a young adult) are completely different from one another. My two sisters and I are completely different from one another. It makes it impossible for me to believe there’s a one size fits all solution for every young adult and their families.  There are so many different situations that I can’t even see calling them exceptions.

This pretty much sums it all up for me.  LOL.  

[Murphy101]

 

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Well Cat you have an only child so I am not sure you can fully understand the long term effects of saying 3 boys can live at home forever, rent free and/or come back if they need to.  
 

And I don’t have a clear idea of how it should go.  I graduated on a Tuesday and moved out on a Friday. I did not turn 18 for about 6 weeks.  I was thrilled to be on my own.  I don’t see the same feelings in most kids these days.  

um. *I* fully understand the long term affects of adult sons living at home.

I’m between you and Cat on this. Both Dh and I come from a family attitude of 18 = get out.  Personally, we did not see any benefit of that and we do not know very many adults who got a benefit from it either. Most just got debt to show for it bc that’s the most likely sum of young + inexperienced + low paying jobs + still need to figure how to pay for daily life = debt. We don’t care how long my kids live with us as long as they aren’t being jerks and living responsible moral lives to better themselves and or their communities.  If they are not in school, we usually charge them a low rent bc adults contribute and because it is my opinion that making it too cheap and easy to stay home can be a deterrent to motivation to better themselves. The rent is low enough that they will never find a place more affordable but high enough that they need to make an effort to manage their money. If they need some help after they move out, we will help if we can ,but no hard feelings if we can’t. The adult kids sometimes help each other too. 

As for this specific scenario. It usually takes 7 years or more to develop some equity in a home purchase. And the cost of home ownership is no small thing. Yards to mow, toilet repairs and so forth. Even if they are good at the diy aspect, it still takes more money and time than calling the landlord to report a repair needs needs done.  If they think they can handle both those aspects AND it’s cheaper than rent - then I’d support the house purchase. Otherwise I’d encourage them to rent the smallest place they can get by with until their situation changes.  Never ever buy without a thorough inspection which will run about $300 and is worth every penny. Your Dh and you may know a lot about what to look for but given the amount of friction in the relationships, I would not want any part in the process to avoid any blame. I’d rather even pay for the inspection and have them choose the inspection company.  Encouraging but the entire decision is still theirs to decide.  If they can handle the ownership - then that’s great and could be the start to a more stable future. 
 

ETA: and no matter what they do in this - I’d be happy for them and keep my personal misgivings to myself. Show up with a welcome home basket and a gift card to Lowe’s bc there’s always something to need to get. 

Edited April 22, 2021 by Murphy101

[Scarlett]

50 minutes ago, Murphy101 said:

 

um. *I* fully understand the long term affects of adult sons living at home.

I’m between you and Cat on this. Both Dh and I come from a family attitude of 18 = get out.  Personally, we did not see any benefit of that and we do not know very many adults who got a benefit from it either. Most just got debt to show for it bc that’s the most likely sum of young + inexperienced + low paying jobs + still need to figure how to pay for daily life = debt. We don’t care how long my kids live with us as long as they aren’t being jerks and living responsible moral lives to better themselves and or their communities.  If they are not in school, we usually charge them a low rent bc adults contribute and because it is my opinion that making it too cheap and easy to stay home can be a deterrent to motivation to better themselves. The rent is low enough that they will never find a place more affordable but high enough that they need to make an effort to manage their money. If they need some help after they move out, we will help if we can ,but no hard feelings if we can’t. The adult kids sometimes help each other too. 

As for this specific scenario. It usually takes 7 years or more to develop some equity in a home purchase. And the cost of home ownership is no small thing. Yards to mow, toilet repairs and so forth. Even if they are good at the diy aspect, it still takes more money and time than calling the landlord to report a repair needs needs done.  If they think they can handle both those aspects AND it’s cheaper than rent - then I’d support the house purchase. Otherwise I’d encourage them to rent the smallest place they can get by with until their situation changes.  Never ever buy without a thorough inspection which will run about $300 and is worth every penny. Your Dh and you may know a lot about what to look for but given the amount of friction in the relationships, I would not want any part in the process to avoid any blame. I’d rather even pay for the inspection and have them choose the inspection company.  Encouraging but the entire decision is still theirs to decide.  If they can handle the ownership - then that’s great and could be the start to a more stable future. 
 

ETA: and no matter what they do in this - I’d be happy for them and keep my personal misgivings to myself. Show up with a welcome home basket and a gift card to Lowe’s bc there’s always something to need to get. 

I thought this needed a comment.  I FEEL annoyed a lot over the adult messes and cluelessness, but I rarely express it and there is not any friction between us. There is off and on friction between dh and myself over dss and how to handle him being an adult and not doing his share in the house and yard.  Dss20 comes to me for everything he wants to discuss or ask questions on.  Unless it is some mechanical or construction question....but in general I am the go to person for dss.  He tells me about his mom's troubles and work drama and asked me if I think this is too much to spend on some XYZ purchase.