Helping teen survive the social isolation of the pandemic

[HSmomof2]

This is probably mostly just a vent and sadness for dd(16). Dh and I are higher risk for Covid and have been very careful along with our dc. We’ve allowed dd to have outdoor distanced and masked visits with a couple friends. This wasn’t too bad over the summer but with the cold, wet weather these visits have become fewer and further between. They text and FaceTime sometimes, but this also seems to be less and less. Unfortunately, her friends and their families, in typical Christian homeschooler fashion (yes, I’m bitter), are not being careful at all and just living their best lives.....as if we aren’t in a pandemic. So, dd sees their posts on social media of them doing things together, and she’s just drifting away from all her friends as they continue to live their lives and she “sits alone in her room forgotten”. I don’t know how to make this any easier for her and hate seeing her getting sadder and lonelier. She has her brother, ds(18), and they go for walks daily, go pick up coffees or takeout, but she really believes she’ll have no friends left when things get back to some kind of normal. How are other teens surviving if actually following public health guidelines? I think it would be better for if her friends and their families actually cared about the pandemic, but they don’t. Ds’s friend group is completely opposite, and their families are probably even more careful than we are. He has a thriving online/Zoom/FaceTime social life going and visits outside with 2 friends a couple times per week masked and distanced regardless of the weather. 

[Farrar]

Hugs to you and your dd. My teens' friend group is more like your ds's - they are online together watching movies and playing videos games every single night. I've wondered if this is a little gendered... while there are girls and nb kids in their online hangout Discord group, it's a very boy-centric crew. I've wondered if the stereotypical males playing video games thing has translated better to online for kids.

I don't know if there are any easy answers. Are there connections that might welcome her into more online circles?

 

[HSmomof2]

32 minutes ago, Farrar said:

Hugs to you and your dd. My teens' friend group is more like your ds's - they are online together watching movies and playing videos games every single night. I've wondered if this is a little gendered... while there are girls and nb kids in their online hangout Discord group, it's a very boy-centric crew. I've wondered if the stereotypical males playing video games thing has translated better to online for kids.

I don't know if there are any easy answers. Are there connections that might welcome her into more online circles?

 

It may very well be a more boy-centric thing....my sister says my nephew is staying way more connected to his friends online than my niece is......I don’t know that there is a solution except keep hoping the vaccine keeps on rolling out. 

[easypeasy]

I feel your pain. No real suggestions - just hugs. We're all just weathering it out over here. {hugs} to your DD.

This, too, shall pass. Eventually. *sigh*

Edited February 17, 2021 by easypeasy

[RegGuheert]

We have DS21, DD18, and DS16 at home now.  I have to say that they have been more connected to friends and family since the Covid-19 lockdowns started.

One thing that they have started since then is their Monday night game night.  Every Monday at 7:00 PM our children (here and from around the country) get together with two other families from our church to play video games.  They connect on Discord for voice discussions during their games.  They play until about 10:00 PM.  One of the other families that joins is a family whose mother has had chronic illness for many years and they have not gotten out much.

We kept DD18 home from college while her twin went back to school.  She's not thrilled about it, but she stays connected with her boyfriend and other friends constantly online.  (Point being: it's not a boy/girl thing.)

I suppose if your daughter is more reserved it might be harder for her to cope with the additional hurdle of online interaction.  I wonder if you could try to get some tips from her brother to pass on to her about how to manage online friendships.

[Eos]

So sorry @HSmomof2!  How hard it must be to see Ds' friend group doing so well, both socially and pandemically (new word we're using) compared to your Dd's.  Agree with easypeasy that this too shall pass, but it sure doesn't make it easier in the moment.

My teen is a true extrovert and is very lonely, but she doesn't have social media to see it all in her face.  She does play online games and use discord to chat with her group, and that is the most helpful to her.

[J-rap]

I'm sorry.  I'm sure it's sad, and very frustrating too.  I know there are churches across the country (and even world) that are online still.  I wonder if some of them have youth groups she could join for now?  (I'm in a small group at my church that meets weekly on Zoom and we now have members from around the world.)     Or maybe an online book club?   And online art class?   Just a thought.  (I know those aren't the same as being with your old friends, but maybe something to keep her from feeling so lonely?)

[HazelAnne]

Sorry your daughter is having a rough time with this. Completely understandable. We are very similar here- higher risk family members and following the public health guidelines. We haven’t done any indoor socializing- and we only know one other family who is being similarly cautious, so before seeing your post I was starting wonder if we are just about the only ones. (I am a Christian homeschooler, so we aren’t all like the ones you’ve encountered!😊)

No real suggestions- one of my kids gets discouraged after talking to friends and hearing about their “normal” life. She finds it frustrating other people don’t follow the rules, so that we can all be out of this sooner. Another has been purposeful to schedule phone calls and zooms with friends. I keep encouraging them both that this won’t last forever, and we have tried to put extra family activities on the calendar so there are “events” to look forward to. Neither is on social media, I think that would make it harder. Oh, one thing that has helped a little- they have reached out to isolated elderly people through letters and phone calls. It’s shown them how much harder isolation is for others, and has hopefully encouraged the elderly friends too. 

[JennyD]

I am sorry, OP.  Our family is almost completely isolated and it's really hard.  Like others, I have been pleasantly surprised by how much of a social life my DS15 has maintained online.  

Still, it breaks my heart a little when I think about the opportunities he has missed over the last year, and how his development at this critical age has been (hopefully temporarily) sort of stunted.  It will be much easier for my younger kids to catch up, but I really think that we are going to have to rethink the next few years for DS15 once this is all over.

One thing that I think has been helpful in the moment is that DH and I have been unified and clear about what we are doing -- and not doing -- as a family.  We don't go to stores, we don't see friends, the only people we see -- outside and masked - are my elderly parents.  And that includes all of us.  I'd love to go for walks with my own friends, and honestly I think it would be quite safe, but I am not doing it because I feel like it would send a poor message to the kids.  We are all in this together, and as things - G-d willing -become safer in the coming months, we will all come out of it together, too.

 

 

[mommyoffive]

5 minutes ago, JennyD said:

I am sorry, OP.  Our family is almost completely isolated and it's really hard.  Like others, I have been pleasantly surprised by how much of a social life my DS15 has maintained online.  

Still, it breaks my heart a little when I think about the opportunities he has missed over the last year, and how his development at this critical age has been (hopefully temporarily) sort of stunted.  It will be much easier for my younger kids to catch up, but I really think that we are going to have to rethink the next few years for DS15 once this is all over.

One thing that I think has been helpful in the moment is that DH and I have been unified and clear about what we are doing -- and not doing -- as a family.  We don't go to stores, we don't see friends, the only people we see -- outside and masked - are my elderly parents.  And that includes all of us.  I'd love to go for walks with my own friends, and honestly I think it would be quite safe, but I am not doing it because I feel like it would send a poor message to the kids.  We are all in this together, and as things - G-d willing -become safer in the coming months, we will all come out of it together, too.

 

 

 

Yes to this.  We have been 100% isolated.  My kids kept in touch with their friends until fall.  But after that long of not seeing each other they all just drifted apart.  They have online friends at their online school so that is what is getting them through now.  But I worry about them.  If I even think of what they have lost the last year I am crying.  

I don't know, no good advice.  I think it is hard to stay in touch when you are being isolated and others are not.  Our city is going on life as normal.  My kids have watched all the neighborhood kids have been playing together since March.  Covid just didn't stop anyone.  Schools have been open face to face.  Sports going on since summer.  I flip and flop everyday.  We should do it.  Then I read an article or see someone die.   This really sucks as a parent, which road is best?  Who the heck knows?  Mental health or physical health? 

I have done all sorts of things to keep them happy.  Want a puppy, yep.  Want to get a bunch of chickens, done.  Want a new mountain bike, it is on the way.  They have each other so that is good.  But I know they are tired of each other too.  Or want to hang out with kids their own age.  We are talking with them and spending so much more time parenting them.   Being their friends and their parents.  

[SKL]

The struggle is real.  I don't have any good advice.  I hope you can get the vaxes soon, so your daughter can mix with friends more.

One of my kids is very active online, with multiple friend groups and the k-pop fan community.  My other kid really does not like that kind of interaction.  I have hosted a few friend get-togethers at my house, but the kids won't be careful, so that would not work if we were high risk.  The thing that is saving us is that they do have hybrid school and some sports right now.

I guess I would just suggest relaxing any screen restrictions you have, other than the safety related ones.  I would also ask your son if there are any in-person activities that wouldn't be awkward if he brought his sister along (and a friend if that makes any sense).

Some possible fun, safe outdoor things might be tubing or horse riding, if these are available to you.  Is it possible for you to host a small get-together around such activities?

[klmama]

It's been hard on dc, who is our only dc at home right now.  Most of dc's friends only mask when required and their families haven't stopped meeting unmasked in homes in large groups.  (And yes, some have gotten sick.)  In the summer and fall, my dc met outside with a couple of friends who were more careful.  Dc watched movies in one friend's backyard.  Dc met three different friends at restaurants where they could eat outside in their individual cars with windows open, distanced at large tables, or in their own lawn chairs distanced in the parking lot.   

Winter has been different.  For various health reasons, dc and friends can't do outside winter activities together.  We've invited the closest of dc's friends over a couple of times to talk (masked) while they sit distanced and the air purifier is running.  Despite trying to stay connected via Instagram, dc has felt pretty isolated and down.  When the church youth group started meeting again, also masked and distanced, we gave dc permission to attend.  They are broken up into groups by grade and gender; they meet in different parts of the church where they can distance more effectively, so exposure is limited.  It's been really good for dc to get out and to see other kids; it helped a lot when everyone in dc's small group all shared that they were lonely, too.  

[Mrs Tiggywinkle]

For other reasons, we sent our kids back to school, which is five day a week face to face here. But in the fall my very social 8-year-old DD was really struggling. She had not seen anyone other than her two siblings and three of her cousins in seven months at that point.

I’ll be honest—we enrolled her in two gymnastics classes a week and she spent a weekend a month with her same age cousins. I simply don’t believe total isolation for this long is good, and it’s been almost a year. It has resulted in two quarantines for her due to exposure(neither of which actually came from gymnastics but from other family members she’d been around), but she has not caught Covid and we felt the benefits for her mental health outweighed the risks. 

This is outweighed by the fact that now all four of her grandparents have had Covid with no ill or long lasting effects, so we are no longer concerned with infecting them.  I don’t expect any of her grandparents to get vaccinated, either, so waiting for that didn’t factor into our decisions either. 

[MEmama]

Sending you lots of commiseration. 

DS18 is isolated and anxious. I’m certain he’s lonely but he’s reluctant to meet up (safely) with friends. He’s opted out of most ski practices and all races because he doesn’t feel comfortable around more people than just his teammates. We encourage him to be social, but we have to respect his boundaries at the same time. It’s hard, and there are no right or best solutions.

Like a PP said, we are in this together as a family, all making sacrifices for each other and our community. There’s much to be said about honouring what we are being asked to do since we can, for the protection of everyone around us and for those who can’t. It’s a big, messy lesson in learning how to do hard things. 

[Amy Gen]

My 14 year old is fortunate to see her friends daily when they have swim practice. It is outdoors and they mask the entire time they aren’t actually swimming. Since the coaches enforce this, it equalizes the situation and you don’t really know which families are pro mask and which are against. 
 

It helps that we are in California as well. Firstly because the weather is mild enough that they can meet outside all year and secondly because the anti askers are probably in the minority, so they keep any risks they are taking very quiet. My friends’ FB pages have gone dark. Even if my daughter knows a friend is on vacation, she will be sure to tell me, “They aren’t telling anyone, so keep it private.” This has kept there from being some big divide between the families who are more cautious and the ones who are less so. 
 

With my older kids, I was vigilant about how much screen time they had. My son could only play video games on the weekends and that was limited to the number of hours he had earned in the week. He also wasn’t allowed to play first person shooter games until he turned 18. 
 

Well, all of that is out the window since the pandemic. We still don’t use screens for school, but during the past year, my kids have spent so much time on devices. 
 

My 11 year old is doing okay. My 2 adult kids at home make an effort to play with her and do something nice for her  everyday. She misses my oldest, but they FaceTime and play Terraria together once a week. She also plays Tekken with my son. He brags about all of the other players she can beat. She also plays SIMs with my middle daughter. So basically, if she isn’t swimming or doing school, she is on a device, or two, but not ever playing alone.  I never could have predicted that I would allow this. 
 

My 14 year old has actually gotten closer to her friends during the pandemic. She plays Minecraft or Fortnight with them every day. She doesn’t have WiFi in her room, so she plays in the kitchen and it is nice to hear all of the kids laughing and yelling together. It would be a completely different situation if she was the only one at home while her friends went out together without her. She has strong leadership qualities and is always steering the group to play the games she wants to play and to include the kids she wants included, so it is all working out for her. We had a swim meet this weekend, and 2 different moms told us how close their daughters were growing to ours. One said her daughter even asked, “Why can’t the other girls act like L?” 
 

I feel like we have developed a good balance with safety and mental health. No one in our family works outside the home. No one but my husband goes to the store. We don’t go out to eat. I do allow my son’s girlfriend to come over, but no one at her house works outside the home either. 
 

My middle daughter needs more social activity than the rest of us. She plays animal crossing with friends from college. She has one friend here who was really struggling before the pandemic and has only gotten worse. I allow him to come over once a week to play D&D. They stay masked, and the other players play remotely. This is the worst risk we take, but he does school online, and really needs a couple of hours a week of human contact. Actually, I may be able to move their game to the back patio in the future.  
 

I feel like it is always such a delicate balance. We are able to reduce risk in other areas to allow the kids more of our COVID budget. Not everyone has those options. I feel like we have hit our stride and could continue like this for another 6 months or even a year. 
 

I know some people here resent our using metal health concerns to justify taking COVID risks. I’m trying to keep our exposure as low as possible while also making sure my kids stay as happy and healthy as possible. 
 

If one of my kids were still struggling, I would keep looking for a game format that they might enjoy and for some friends who would be happy to play with them.  

Good luck! 

 

[mommyoffive]

I don't know where you live, but with spring coming soon maybe start planning some outdoor safer events?

[HSmomof2]

Thank you for your replies......I know we aren’t the only ones struggling right now, and I am hopeful that the vaccine continuing to roll out will eventually let us return to a normal life. February is always hard, and just feels so much worse this year after such a long year. We should start having a little better weather in the next month or so, and will try to set up some more outdoor things. We did let dd return to her dance class in the fall, masked and distanced, which helped her a lot.....but due to increasing cases, the dance studio returned to virtual classes in January. She ‘attends’ online, but can’t see the other students.  She was also really involved in youth group, but our church dissolved last summer (this is actually a good thing after seeing some really unhealthy behaviors going on there, even pre-pandemic), so we’ve been virtually attending a new church but don’t know anyone there yet, since it hasn’t been in person. They just very recently returned to some in person services at a very limited capacity, masks required, no congregational singing, etc. We will need to decide if we think we should try going in person, since they are being very careful and following the public health guidelines. It’s so tiring to be constantly having to weigh whether or not daily normal activities are worth the risk.....overall we aren’t in an anti-mask area, but our group of previous church and homeschool friends/acquaintances are pretty much all anti-mask, Covid conspiracy/hoax type of people, which really did surprise me. 

Thanks again for the responses.....we’ll all get through this......at least we have some sunshine today, which we haven’t seen for quite awhile.🙂