Anyone want to join me on a 21 day Complaint Free challenge?

[Robin M]

1 minute ago, Pen said:

I can’t seem to find new book thread for this week btw. 

😊

Here you go:  https://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/703770-book-a-week-2020-bw43-52-books-bingo-ghosts-and-goblins/?tab=comments#comment-8810780

 

[Guest]

38 minutes ago, Pen said:

Eta: if someone were habitually biting down to quick, a reduction to just biting nails a tiny bit could be a big improvement.   Others might not bite nails and such a self challenge would be silly. Yet others might feel that nail biting is all in all a healthy outlet and want to continue.  

Yeah, I’m basically using @Amy Gen‘s framework: “How can I turn this into a ‘fortunately’?”

So, a short bit ago, my phone rang, which makes me all nervous because I put in a job application this morning, but it was just some silly solicitous call. I hung up and started to sigh and complain a little bit about annoying solicitor calls, but I asked myself Amy Gen’s question and said, “Fortunately, I have this amazing smartphone always with me and when a job does call, I will be ready!” 

And a bit before that, I was knitting and I got distracted by something and I missed several stitches back in the row and didn’t realize it until I got to the end of the row and was ten stitches short. I almost complained. I grumbled some. But I also said, “Well, fortunately I was keeping careful track of my pattern repeats or I might have done ten more rows before I saw my mistake.” 

I like turning things into a “fortunately.” 

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Thatboyofmine said:

I just complained on another thread.   I've done well today irl.  This is hard, @Pen.   

 

I messed up too in terms of 21 days today, but so far am having a pretty good day.

I’ve been singing of at least humming while doing some things which I find uplifting in itself,  and it makes it harder to have complaint lapses. 

 

[Not_a_Number]

5 minutes ago, Quill said:

And a bit before that, I was knitting and I got distracted by something and I missed several stitches back in the row and didn’t realize it until I got to the end of the row and was ten stitches short. I almost complained. I grumbled some. But I also said, “Well, fortunately I was keeping careful track of my pattern repeats or I might have done ten more rows before I saw my mistake.” 

I like turning things into a “fortunately.” 

Hmmm. I like the idea of turning things into a "fortunately" more than I like the idea of not complaining. Sometimes, the "fortunately" about something annoying is "well, at least I can complain about people's stupidity to DH" 😉 . But sometimes, consciously remembering something good about an aspect of a situation does help you make peace with suboptimal things. 

[MercyA]

Love you guys, this looks like a great thread, but I'm so nauseous still and am going to take a forum break for a few days. Hope to see you soon! 

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Love you guys, this looks like a great thread, but I'm so nauseous still and am going to take a forum break for a few days. Hope to see you soon! 

Oh no 😞 . Any idea what it is?? 

[Guest]

25 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Love you guys, this looks like a great thread, but I'm so nauseous still and am going to take a forum break for a few days. Hope to see you soon! 

Wishing you a speedy recovery, Mercy. 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, MercyA said:

Love you guys, this looks like a great thread, but I'm so nauseous still and am going to take a forum break for a few days. Hope to see you soon! 

Hope you are better soon!  Don’t forget the hydralite... makes recovery much faster for me.

[Ausmumof3]

https://www.abc.net.au/radio/programs/conversations/bill-bailey-happiness/12784166
 

this was kind of a fun podcast that tied in nicely with this conversation!   All about looking on the bright side of life 

[Ausmumof3]

Is listing the things we complained about complaining?... in other words I too messed up today!

[Pen]

Early mess up:

woke at ~ 3:30 AM with complaining noises about a headache

 

on positive side- awareness / noticing led to taking earlier action than I might otherwise have taken so I may manage to get rid of it before it becomes a 3 day migraine 

 

 

[MercyA]

On 10/26/2020 at 9:33 PM, Not_a_Number said:

Oh no 😞 . Any idea what it is?? 

Yes! Turns out both the nausea and a bad persistent headache were from an antibiotic I am taking for an infected tooth. The nausea has died down, the headache persists, but I am not sick, glory hallelujah. 🙂 I see the dentist Monday. 

Thank you all for your kind words!

I'm going to have to start this challenge over. 😉 

[Not_a_Number]

2 minutes ago, MercyA said:

Yes! Turns out both the nausea and a bad persistent headache were from an antibiotic I am taking for an infected tooth. The nausea has died down, the headache persists, but I am not sick, glory hallelujah. 🙂 I see the dentist Monday. 

Thank you all for your kind words!

I'm going to have to start this challenge over. 😉 

I think this is a prime situation for complaining, yikes. Keep us updated... 

[MercyA]

2 minutes ago, Not_a_Number said:

I think this is a prime situation for complaining, yikes. Keep us updated... 

LOL...especially since I usually have to be sedated to have dental work done, I am so phobic. Thanks for the dispensation! 😉 

[Not_a_Number]

1 minute ago, MercyA said:

LOL...especially since I usually have to be sedated to have dental work done, I am so phobic. Thanks for the dispensation! 😉 

Oh no 😞 . I'm sorry! I hope it all goes smoothly. 

[Guest]

21 minutes ago, MercyA said:

LOL...especially since I usually have to be sedated to have dental work done, I am so phobic. Thanks for the dispensation! 😉 

Aww, relate, sister. When I had my tooth that needed a root canal I was in such agony...truly, I would rather give birth ten times than do that tooth situation again. And yes siree, I did have them give me La-La-Land medication so I have no memory and no awareness whatsoever about that dental work. Highly recommend. I don’t even remember when I was finished and dh was putting me in the car and I was asking for “my blankie”. (He wisely did bring my blankie, though. Good man.) 

[popmom]

I like this idea. I read through all the discussion--good discussion. I still like the idea. I am in the position of loving well (trying to, anyway) someone who's main fuel for existence is complaining. And it's not all trivial stuff either. I feel burdened by the level of unhappiness, the inability to do anything about it, and the hopelessness of knowing that it's only going to get worse. Somehow the reward of negativity is more powerful than the alternative for this person.

I think that maybe--part of this challenge for me is to look deeper when I do complain to the motive. What's really behind it? What do I really want to communicate? What am I unintentionally communicating instead? 

Edited October 29, 2020 by popmom

[Pen]

@MercyA I hope your dentistry situation will go really well! And that you will feel all better. I have dentistry phobia too.

 

@popmom  that’s a very hard situation — I also have a tricky problem with  someone who is a chronic complainer.  ( which then leads to my own complaining about the complaining )   I think your ideas here sound good:  I think that maybe--part of this challenge for me is to look deeper when I do complain to the motive. What's really behind it? What do I really want to communicate? What am I unintentionally communicating instead? 

And maybe also to try to figure out good responses.   

[popmom]

4 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

@popmom  that’s a very hard situation — I also have a tricky problem with  someone who is a chronic complainer.  ( which then leads to my own complaining about the complaining )   I think your ideas here sound good:  I think that maybe--part of this challenge for me is to look deeper when I do complain to the motive. What's really behind it? What do I really want to communicate? What am I unintentionally communicating instead? 

And maybe also to try to figure out good responses.   

It's funny--I rarely complain about the complainer. I just ask my spouse to not ask me what we talked about. I mean...it's a totally natural thing to ask after a visit/phone call ("so how'd it go? Did x have anything interesting to say?") but I just can't. That's how I can avoid complaining about that particular issue. Whenever I have vented about it, it saps me and makes me feel worse. I can turn it into a positive like someone mentioned above. Good will come of it ultimately. 

[Familia]

On 10/26/2020 at 6:29 AM, Quill said:

. It is 6:14am and I have already switched my bracelet because,

Have we already begun the challenge?  I am admittedly slow to read through this post...

[Pen]

45 minutes ago, popmom said:

It's funny--I rarely complain about the complainer. I just ask my spouse to not ask me what we talked about. I mean...it's a totally natural thing to ask after a visit/phone call ("so how'd it go? Did x have anything interesting to say?") but I just can't. That's how I can avoid complaining about that particular issue. Whenever I have vented about it, it saps me and makes me feel worse. I can turn it into a positive like someone mentioned above. Good will come of it ultimately. 

 

How do you deal with the complaining person?  

[Pen]

34 minutes ago, Familia said:

Have we already begun the challenge?  I am admittedly slow to read through this post...

 

Start whenever you want. 

I have started, but have yet to make it through a whole day so far.   I am expecting 21 days no complaint to take me quite awhile to master .    So I expect whenever you start, today tomorrow, next week, I’ll still be plugging along and frequently restarting. 

Some others on here are trying a total of 21 days of more positivity in various ways. And so if started may have just 20 or 19 to go...

 

Jump in any time you feel like it! 

And decide your own rules for yourself of whatever you think might help.  I expect it’s like exercise and that some is better than none. 😉😁😊

[popmom]

3 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

How do you deal with the complaining person?  

When we are face to face? I listen, ask good questions, try to empathize. I walk a fine line when it comes to validating the suffering without enabling or encouraging faulty beliefs. Sometimes this person sees me as aloof, but that's sort of this person's MO. It's not really true of me. I try to introduce lighter topics of conversation. It works for awhile!

 

[popmom]

7 minutes ago, popmom said:

 

 

I was trying to edit my post lol.  ETA: Empathizing is a process. I call it "covering" (not a term I came up with). I acknowledge the situation and hardship. I want this person to know that I see him/her. that I care. It also involves being willing to take an action. It also involves encouraging and calling out the good I see in him/her.

Edited October 29, 2020 by popmom

[Pen]

4 minutes ago, popmom said:

When we are face to face? I listen, ask good questions, try to empathize. I walk a fine line when it comes to validating the suffering without enabling or encouraging faulty beliefs. Sometimes this person sees me as aloof, but that's sort of this person's MO. It's not really true of me. I try to introduce lighter topics of conversation. It works for awhile!

 

 

Yes. That’s what I

meant.  Sounds good! 

 

I don’t tend to complain about my complainer to others, but do get irritated with the complainer directly which I think is a form

of complaining about the complaining. 🤔

 

[popmom]

5 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

 

I don’t tend to complain about my complainer to others, but do get irritated with the complainer directly which I think is a form

of complaining about the complaining. 🤔

 

I don't have that luxury lol! (getting irritated directly) That would be the equivalent of pulling the pin on a grenade.  but I'm completely off topic, so back to the challenge at hand!😞

Edited October 29, 2020 by popmom

[Guest]

7 hours ago, Familia said:

Have we already begun the challenge?  I am admittedly slow to read through this post...

As Pen responded, start whenever you’re ready and tailor the concept to suit your needs. 

Thing I have realized about myself: I tend to get disproportionately annoyed by computers and printers not behaving as expected. I expend more emotional energy on the functioning of office machine than I really want in my life. 

[Ausmumof3]

2 hours ago, Quill said:

As Pen responded, start whenever you’re ready and tailor the concept to suit your needs. 

Thing I have realized about myself: I tend to get disproportionately annoyed by computers and printers not behaving as expected. I expend more emotional energy on the functioning of office machine than I really want in my life. 

The thing I’ve realised is that instead of asking my kids to pick up stuff they’ve dropped I complain about the mess they make.  Trying to change to the direct request instead of the sigh mode of communicating...

[Emba]

I think I’ll join in on this one. I have noticed my kids complaining a lot about silly things lately (“I’ve had so much pizza lately that I don’t even like it now!” Cry me a river , kid.) And it occurs to me that maybe I’ve been setting a bad example. I also think I’ll try to keep a gratitude journal of some kind, replaced the bad with the good.

[Pen]

Bumping this back up.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I try to live this way always.  (Note the word "try".)  Negativity and complaining is so counter-productive! 

I do complain to God - as part of my prayers where I pour my heart out about anything and everything.  But otherwise?  I prefer to look for solutions if at all possible.

So I want to do this but don't really know how to do it as a "challenge".  But I am posting here in hopes that it helps to keep this as a more deliberate effort on my part. 

[Guest]

I do feel like I should just relinquish my bracelet for a couple of days. 😏

Not really. But kinda.

[Ausmumof3]

2 minutes ago, Quill said:

I do feel like I should just relinquish my bracelet for a couple of days. 😏

Not really. But kinda.

Yup... definitely a challenging challenge!

[Emba]

I looked for the book on my library’s overdrive and they don’t have it, but eBay had a cheap copy so I ordered it. I am not impressed by the book. There’s a lot of “law of attraction” type stuff that I pretty much think is bunk. I can’t take seriously sentences like “We are all energy beings, and energy that does not vibrate at the same frequency does not harmonize.”

i can get on board with d some of it, and I’ll probably keep reading because with any self-help type book, if I make one or two small changes as a result of reading it, I consider it a success, but I probably should have read more reviews.

i did find myself a bracelet to use, and I think using it helps bring my attention to my complaining more forcibly.

 But seriously, how does one parent without some sort of criticism or complaint?

[Ausmumof3]

How’s everyone doing?

[Guest]

1 minute ago, Ausmumof3 said:

How’s everyone doing?

I quit.

There's just too much stuff going on at the moment for me to do the complaint monitoring too. 

[Ausmumof3]

Just now, Quill said:

I quit.

There's just too much stuff going on at the moment for me to do the complaint monitoring too. 

Yep. It’s pretty hard right now.  I’m still doing my gratitude thing but having a hard time not venting at all.

[Emba]

I’m doing it but not anywhere close to even one day without having to move the bracelet.

[Pen]

2 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

How’s everyone doing?

 

I started doing pretty well now.  Combining early morning and bedtime gratitude etc as well

surprisingly I got through a couple of single no complaint days and am now trying for a two day streak

It seems like good time for simultaneous Howard Glasser Nurtured Heart approach - catch kids or others doing something positive and let the negative stuff go. 

 

 

3 hours ago, Emba said:

i did find myself a bracelet to use, and I think using it helps bring my attention to my complaining more forcibly.

 But seriously, how does one parent without some sort of criticism or complaint?

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

I don’t see the point of complaining. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t solve anything. I prefer to sigh (is that a complaint?) and then try to pivot and problem solve. 
 

Yesterday and today were an exercise in pivoting. Yesterday I suspended my normal tackle list to dig rotten meat out of my now dead chest freezer. Today I dealt with a dead battery, which turned out to be unrechargeable. And because the store I first took it to didn’t sell it, and it was under warranty, I had to go across to the other side of the neighboring city to get it exchanged. But I did get a new battery for free, so there is that. 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, Jean in Newcastle said:

I don’t see the point of complaining. It doesn’t make me feel better. It doesn’t solve anything. I prefer to sigh (is that a complaint?) and then try to pivot and problem solve. 
 

Yesterday and today were an exercise in pivoting. Yesterday I suspended my normal tackle list to dig rotten meat out of my now dead chest freezer. Today I dealt with a dead battery, which turned out to be unrechargeable. And because the store I first took it to didn’t sell it, and it was under warranty, I had to go across to the other side of the neighboring city to get it exchanged. But I did get a new battery for free, so there is that. 

Dead fridge here today as well... the joys!
see here’s a thing... to me even listing those things sounds like complaining.  I have a hard time separating the two.  Is it just the tone of voice you say it in?

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

1 minute ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Dead fridge here today as well... the joys!
see here’s a thing... to me even listing those things sounds like complaining.  I have a hard time separating the two.  Is it just the tone of voice you say it in?

 

I don’t know. I didn’t list them until the problem was already solved. 😉. But I don’t feel complainy. I felt matter of fact. But I also was privileged to have the time to set everything aside yesterday and today to deal with what came up. 

[Pen]

6 minutes ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Dead fridge here today as well... the joys!
see here’s a thing... to me even listing those things sounds like complaining.  I have a hard time separating the two.  Is it just the tone of voice you say it in?

 

 

I think it’s the tone / feeling it’s said with.   Maybe exact or added words too .

“xxxxx happened” is part of life , and just stating it is not necessarily a complaint in my view.

 

[Jean in Newcastle]

28 minutes ago, Pen said:

 

I think it’s the tone / feeling it’s said with.   Maybe exact or added words too .

“xxxxx happened” is part of life , and just stating it is not necessarily a complaint in my view.

 

Yes. When I complain (and I have complained plenty!) there is a whiny aspect to it. “How dare this happen to me?  It’s not fair!  Can you believe that I just can’t get a break?!”  As you said, things happen. How we react to it is the difference. 

[Ausmumof3]

In the spirit of my gratitude intervention...

when the deep freeze died at the beginning of covid and we couldn’t get another one we bought a second hand fridge freezer.  Meaning I still have a functional fridge if this one can’t be fixed.

Dh thinks it can be fixed.

We’re pretty fortunate to have enough food to be worrying about a freezer right now.

My kids have been super helpful with redistributing whatever possible between fridges and freezers.  
 

In the process of moving stuff we discovered the lid on the deep freeze hadn’t sealed tightly after yesterday’s shopping got put away so kind of a good thing we had to do that and found it!

Edited November 11, 2020 by Ausmumof3

[Ausmumof3]

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.“

[Emba]

11 hours ago, Ausmumof3 said:

Dead fridge here today as well... the joys!
see here’s a thing... to me even listing those things sounds like complaining.  I have a hard time separating the two.  Is it just the tone of voice you say it in?

 

This is tough for me too. I tend to think it is underlying attitude - are you saying it as an observation, or trying to get sympathy or hoping someone will change things (DD drives me nuts complaining about things that she could change herself, but she’s hoping someone else will do it instead, or complaining instead of asking for something).

 Yesterday was chilly here. DH and I discussed the weather change, but I feel like that was an observational conversation. The kids went out to do chores and repeatedly complained about how cold it was. Same content, slightly different words, very different underlying attitude.

[Jean in Newcastle]

I have cut off some social interactions which were dominated by complainers.  These were people who continually complain while not doing anything to actually solve the problems.  It was such a negative thing for me.  And here I am, complaining about complainers!  (But I did solve the problem!) 

Plus  - some things are totally out of our control.  I feel like complaining about those things just doesn't do anything. 

[popmom]

On 11/9/2020 at 5:59 PM, Ausmumof3 said:

How’s everyone doing?

I'm doing pretty good with this, but I'm experienced lol. Also, I have not read the book, so I'm not official. I've been practicing this for years after seeing a lot of venting and blaming going on in my home. I made a decision that would not be me, and I've stuck to it

. I did have a bad night--a mess up. Youngest dd was struggling to get her stuff together for co op the next day. She was in a foul mood and not responding well to me trying to get her to go to bed. It was LATE. I was already anxious for other reasons. My dh was having a drink and relaxing on our screened porch--oblivious lol. I stormed out and said something along the lines of "why am I the ONLY one who parents this child??? There IS more than one ((bleeping))) parent in this house!" Sigh. Is that a complaint or a loss of temper? Both? It definitely got my husband's attention though because that's not my MO at all-- and he helped me! I don't think the ends justify the means, so I don't plan to make a habit of it. 

 

[Ausmumof3]

1 hour ago, popmom said:

I'm doing pretty good with this, but I'm experienced lol. Also, I have not read the book, so I'm not official. I've been practicing this for years after seeing a lot of venting and blaming going on in my home. I made a decision that would not be me, and I've stuck to it

. I did have a bad night--a mess up. Youngest dd was struggling to get her stuff together for co op the next day. She was in a foul mood and not responding well to me trying to get her to go to bed. It was LATE. I was already anxious for other reasons. My dh was having a drink and relaxing on our screened porch--oblivious lol. I stormed out and said something along the lines of "why am I the ONLY one who parents this child??? There IS more than one ((bleeping))) parent in this house!" Sigh. Is that a complaint or a loss of temper? Both? It definitely got my husband's attention though because that's not my MO at all-- and he helped me! I don't think the ends justify the means, so I don't plan to make a habit of it. 

 

I think I had almost the opposite experience where I was kind of brought up not to complain so for a lot of years not voicing or expressing stuff and so DH would just assume I was happy and had an easy life and enjoyed doing everything.  It’s trying to find appropriate ways to express needs that aren’t whiny or passive aggressive but do get stuff dealt with.