Narcissist Discard

[umsami]

Looking for resources.  May have to delete details.

Basically, STBX has had zero contact with the kids for 10 months or so.  Zero.  Refuses all calls for contact, all calls for Our Family Wizard/Talking Parents, etc.  Won't pay $1 in support. Staying in Egypt (supposedly) while trying to fight having to pay any support.  Pretty sure he's found new supply...meaning another new wife (to add to the previous secret wife) and possibly a new baby.  

 

His entire family and many mutual friends have disconnected too.  I'm sure there's been a smear campaign against me (and possibly the kids.) . 

 

It's really hurtful for me, but 1,000,000x more for the kids.  We were married 17 years. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by umsami

[umsami]

Just now, Arctic Mama said:

What the hell?!  I’m so sorry, that’s completely insane??? Did he ever even try to justify it or just get found out by you?

 

Your poor kids, I’m so very sorry they’re going through the wringer with a dad who doesn’t deserve them or their loyalty.

Nope. I think the fact that he was exposed caused the discard. Now we all know he's not perfect...thus we must be gotten rid of.  Kids see through him now... no longer view him as perfect...so time to get rid of them too. 

[OH_Homeschooler]

I'm not sure what kind of resources you are looking for but there are some really good Narcissist Survivor groups on Reddit (believe it or not). Very supportive, and they may be able to help you with specific questions. There are also some really good groups on FB. I wish I could tell you the ones I was in but I left because I was overwhelmed by the group activity. Just search for Narcissist in either of these forums and you will obviously find the most active groups. 

There is a therapist on YouTube-her channel is DoctorRamani. Her videos basically cover different aspects of being in/surviving a relationship with a narcissist. 

And finally, a book called Splitting by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger is all about divorcing a narcissist, and ways to protect yourself. 

Sorry you are going through this. Narcissists are pure evil.

ETA: I never would have thought my ex was a narcissist in our 15 years of marriage. But he too was living a secret life, the specifics of which he would not have been capable if he had a conscience. Thus I replayed the entire relationship in my head and decided narcissism is the only explanation. Once I did that (right or wrong), I was finally able to come to terms with everything. I stopped wondering when he stopped loving me, because I guess he was never capable of love in the first place. Not that it made all the hurt and confusion go away, but it helped immensely. 

Edited April 30, 2020 by OH_Homeschooler

[Jaybee]

I'm so sorry. That you and your kids have gone through the whole experience, I mean.

[Slache]

I'm sorry. BTDT.

What do you want? I am not a YouTube person but I learned the most about NPD from YouTube. The Little Shaman is probably my favorite.

[OH_Homeschooler]

13 minutes ago, txk said:

Honestly, I would have loved for my X to have dropped out of our lives like that ages ago after we divorced.  It would have been a real blessing for me and my ds.

{{{Hugs to you and your children}}}

 

Mine didn't even return the divorce papers. I got my divorce by default. (His personal legal issues made this easy for me). I was hurt at the time that he didn't even respond, but now I know how lucky I was not to get involved in the nasty things narcs do during divorce.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

I'm so sorry.  Good riddance, obviously, but the grief must still be huge and awful.  And to watch your kids go through it.  Ugh.  Big hugs.  

[gardenmom5]

I'm sorry for the carp you're going through - but on the bright side, you're kids are better off not growing up with a narcissistic parent in their home. (or even having contact with him.  the mind games . . . .)

 

[Slache]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

I'm sorry for the carp you're going through - but on the bright side, you're kids are better off not growing up with a narcissistic parent in their home. (or even having contact with him.  the mind games . . . .)

 

QFT!

[Scarlett]

I think the single best thing you can do is not try and get him to be a parent.  (Except for financial support--let the lawyers handle that).  And with the kids....honesty without any venom is the best thing.  It is important that they realize something is lacking in their father---the problem does not lie with the children. 

[Ottakee]

I don't know if anything would be helpful, but feel free to browse my blog.  My ex husband is in prison for 90 years as a sex-offender.  We were left and honestly, without even much care about us or our welfare, etc.  Our Story Goes On

[gardenmom5]

1 hour ago, Slache said:

QFT!

what does QFT stand for?

 

My grandmother was a covert narcissist - my mother an only child. she had way too much access to us.  I was the scapegoat, and realized she was a hypocrite when I was 13.  it just got worse from there.  she did a lot of damage.

eta: she did damage to my parents marriage, and even more to both of my siblings.  even her "golden child", and her "favorite victim" (and needed to be rescued by her.)  gives support to the idea the scapegoat is most likely to get away.

Edited April 30, 2020 by gardenmom5

[Slache]

Just now, gardenmom5 said:

what does QFT stand for?

Quoted for truth. Essentially calling your comment out for deserving more attention.

[gardenmom5]

if you're looking for npd support - I really like Dr. Les Carter's youtube channel - surviving narcissism.  Most of the sites/channels I've seen are just gripe sessions. He has helpful information on how to care for yourself.

[Ottakee]

2 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I think the single best thing you can do is not try and get him to be a parent.  (Except for financial support--let the lawyers handle that).  And with the kids....honesty without any venom is the best thing.  It is important that they realize something is lacking in their father---the problem does not lie with the children. 

Could I use your honestly without venom as a quote on my blog.... attributed however you would like.

[Scarlett]

Just now, Ottakee said:

Could I use your honestly without venom as a quote on my blog.... attributed however you would like.

Of course.  

[Slache]

I've heard it said that NPD is the only affliction where the afflicted appear to become healthier and healthier while those around them appear to become more and more unhealthy. So much truth.

[Ottakee]

24 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

Of course.  

Thank you.  How would you like to be given credit?   Scarlett or WTM Scarlett or ????

[Rosie_0801]

Pray for your replacements, Hon, because they have all this crap in their future and he's going to be even better at screwing them and their kids over, because he's had the practice.

❤️

[NorthwestMom]

I'm sorry you are going through this. What a jerk. People who deliberately withhold child support are the worst. 

[Scarlett]

1 hour ago, Ottakee said:

Thank you.  How would you like to be given credit?   Scarlett or WTM Scarlett or ????

WTM Scarlett is fine. 

 

[umsami]

5 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I think the single best thing you can do is not try and get him to be a parent.  (Except for financial support--let the lawyers handle that).  And with the kids....honesty without any venom is the best thing.  It is important that they realize something is lacking in their father---the problem does not lie with the children. 

Thanks. I've tried to do that. The good thing is that the eldest three have already realized a lot about their Dad.  The youngest, not so much.  His Dad stopped being in his life fulltime when he was in Kindergarten due to abuse.  But the past 10 months have been different as in no contact whatsoever and apparently no desire for any.  STBX is an ophthalmologist.  Youngest failed his vision screening this year at school and they mentioned strabismus. So I obviously contacted his Dad because he has views on when surgery should happen, who the good pediatric guys in town are, etc. He didn't respond. At all. Crickets. 

[umsami]

51 minutes ago, Rosie_0801 said:

Pray for your replacements, Hon, because they have all this crap in their future and he's going to be even better at screwing them and their kids over, because he's had the practice.

❤️

Honestly, I do. I felt bad for secret wife as once I knew about her, he would bad mouth her to me all.the.time.  I know he did the same on me vs. her.... but she was new supply.  Still should have been nice and shiny. 

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, umsami said:

Thanks. I've tried to do that. The good thing is that the eldest three have already realized a lot about their Dad.  The youngest, not so much.  His Dad stopped being in his life fulltime when he was in Kindergarten due to abuse.  But the past 10 months have been different as in no contact whatsoever and apparently no desire for any.  STBX is an ophthalmologist.  Youngest failed his vision screening this year at school and they mentioned strabismus. So I obviously contacted his Dad because he has views on when surgery should happen, who the good pediatric guys in town are, etc. He didn't respond. At all. Crickets. 

That is.....stunning.  Beyond the pale.  Are you absolutely SURE he got the message. I am sure you are sure....I just can't even imagine.

[umsami]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

That is.....stunning.  Beyond the pale.  Are you absolutely SURE he got the message. I am sure you are sure....I just can't even imagine.

Yup. I know he got it. I also sent it to his brother after I didn't get a reply.  He got the message too.  Speaks English better than I do. 

[maize]

I am so sorry 😞

your kids are fortunate to have you.

[Guest]

I am so sorry you have to endure this. 

[gardenmom5]

5 hours ago, Seasider too said:

 

And every time I see it my mind reads “quite f——— true.” 

(Which is funny because I never use that word, it just pops into my head whenever I see QFT.)

And yeah, it applies that way to the comment that those kids are better off not having such a person parenting them. 

(((umsami))) I am sorry that this man does not understand the value of  you or the children. I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. And most of all, as said above, it’s not because of anything you or the kids did. It’s all about who he is - a very broken and heartless person. 

 

I don't use that word either - not even in my head.  (and cringe when people around me use it.)

during one of my very last EMDR visits - one of the questions I was asked was "what would you *really* like to say to you brother?".    My therapist jumped when I said "shut the  F ____ up".  I don't say that word,  - but my gosh - the stuff that just stated pouring out with the light board.  I felt fabulous afterwards!