Shoeless Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) Never mind. 😕 Edited July 9, 2019 by MissLemon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 4 hours ago, katilac said: Is that common in some areas, for the police to pull you over, what, just because it's late? Maybe in more rural areas? Because it may not be New York but my city never sleeps, the roads are far from empty at any time of night (even by us in the 'burbs). I’m in a pretty rural area. I’m not often out in the wee hours, though there’s the occasional midnight-ish trip home. Dh drives late/early more often for firehouse calls and business trips. (We’re two hours from the airport, so...) Neither of us has ever been pulled over here. I haven’t been pulled over at all in close to 20 years! There are state troopers all over the main road outside of our development. Most often, they’re zooming up behind and flipping their lights so we’ll get out of their way. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carrie12345 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 6 hours ago, teachermom2834 said: I can’t get my head around the level of control either. My kids are respectful and I was strict and conservative when they were growing up but I just can’t see it going anywhere good or healthy to try to control them at 19 and 21. Honestly I bite my tongue a lot. I would rather they drive a long distance during the day than do a road trip overnight for example. But they know I think that because they grew up with me. So I bite my tongue so that they continue to tell me when they do stuff and I ask them to let me know when they arrive. If I fuss too much they just won’t tell me. Not because they are jerks but because that is what humans tend to do in these situations. I also cannot believe the level of obedience y’all have with young adults, too. I get “my house my rules” but there is no way it wouldn’t cause conflict to be so restrictive with my adult kids. I swear I read all the parenting books and was intentional about character training and all that but my adults still aren’t that obedient. LOL. I’m not entirely serious...my kids are absolutely awesome and successful and good citizens but I just didn’t train them well enough to be quite that compliant. I will also note there is some freedom in letting them go. The decisions are theirs. Of course if something tragic happened it would impact me but it wouldn’t be my fault. There is a difference there. My kids haven’t done a whole lot of sleepovers simply because it hasn’t come up much. When it has, it’s always been with friends I know well, whose families I know well. That’s one of the things I’ve loved about homeschooling. For the most part, I’m “in” their circles, and those parents of friends are MY friends. But, on the obedience issue, I intentionallly didn’t train them for that, lol. I wanted to raise people who considered different angles and developed a gut to trust instead of assuming adults always knew best and with good intention. And I’ve had quite a few adults report back to me (sleepovers or completely different occasions) that my kids have made surprisingly good decisions, from not having an extra dessert to convincing a mob of kids not to do something stupid - or, at the very least, not participating themselves. Every good decision they make, minor or major, increases my trust in their decision making skills. I don’t know how we would build that trust without giving them the room to make those choices. For the record, I do struggle with anxiety. Sometimes a LOT! I don’t want to make light of parents dealing with that. But my kids don’t suffer from anxiety. They have a normal, healthy sense of risk (for their respective ages.) They deserve to live without carrying my issues. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marbel Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 7 hours ago, katilac said: By the police? I've never found that getting pulled over frequently late at night is a thing, certainly not for no reason. Every bloody ticket I've ever gotten has been during the day, lol, and I don't think I've ever been pulled over at night. dh did get pulled over once between midnight and three, but it wasn't for no reason, he was speeding (but wound up not getting a ticket). Is that common in some areas, for the police to pull you over, what, just because it's late? Maybe in more rural areas? Because it may not be New York but my city never sleeps, the roads are far from empty at any time of night (even by us in the 'burbs). <snip> I drive home at 1:00am a few nights a week. I have never been pulled over, and though I nearly always see a police car on my way, I have never seen anyone else pulled over. On Friday nights at least there are lots of cars out late at night. I don't know if the person making that comment meant that young people are likely to be pulled over? Or just young women? In my life of lots of late nights and lots of driving, the only times I've been pulled over were in daylight and when I was doing something wrong. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 On 7/6/2019 at 7:10 PM, HeighHo said: My guess if she's out and about between midnight and three, she'll be pulled over enough that the joy of 'freedom' is going to be muted. The first time its just you walking that line...and you are 18 and haven't consumed, you have a learning experience. I feel like this is another idle threat to keep teens home. People are not more inclined to be pulled over at night, and they aren't going to be randomly given a sobriety test unless there is suspicion they are drunk. None of this is routine at any time of day. 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DawnM Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 On 7/7/2019 at 11:36 PM, Seasider too said: Oh, sure, the occasional late late night is an adult privilege! It just isn’t something we set our sights on with such single-mindedness, kwim? (LOL well ok maybe after a long week with the kids, we do!!!). When it comes after a stretch of adulting, it’s earned, and likely more satisfying. But imo it’s definitely a privilege that goes hand in hand with responsibilities. Maybe it is because I didn't get married until I was 29 and I didn't have kids until my 30s,. but this wasn't a rare occasional thing for me when I was single. 9pm was the time to start going out. It was pretty much every weekend, and sometimes a weekday or two. 4 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 I think the sleepover for underage younger kids was mentioned in reference to it being a normal part of life so for sure why would t you allow it for young adults....but for some families sleepovers for young kids isn’t a normal part of life. . I agree for young adults it is completely different. And I would have to re read the thread but is anyone actually saying they wouldn’t let their young adults sleep over at someone’s house? Heck even I would and I am probably the most strict. As far as house rules and obedient young adults....nah, I don't think they need to ‘obey’. They need to respect house rules where they are cherished guests and if they can’t deal with said house rules be adult enough to find their own accommodations. The end. No need for high drama and attempts to control anyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hippiemamato3 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 31 minutes ago, Scarlett said: I think the sleepover for underage younger kids was mentioned in reference to it being a normal part of life so for sure why would t you allow it for young adults....but for some families sleepovers for young kids isn’t a normal part of life. . I agree for young adults it is completely different. And I would have to re read the thread but is anyone actually saying they wouldn’t let their young adults sleep over at someone’s house? Heck even I would and I am probably the most strict. As far as house rules and obedient young adults....nah, I don't think they need to ‘obey’. They need to respect house rules where they are cherished guests and if they can’t deal with said house rules be adult enough to find their own accommodations. The end. No need for high drama and attempts to control anyone. The original post was all about not allowing young adults to have sleepovers. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MysteryJen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 We didn't do sleepovers for the kids- except for a few special exceptions. As a teen, ds1's best friends lived across the street, so while he didn't have a set curfew, he had to sleep in his own bed. Dd1 was so busy with her two sport life that she rarely spent the night (plus she is allergic to cats and most of her friends have cats). But dd2- social, social and in ps high school. Sleepovers happen on a pretty regular basis- both here and at her friend's houses. Always a group of at least 4 girls, all of them have to text or have find my friends turned on. It has worked well here. It helps that most parents set the same curfew- midnight when they were sixteen and now 1 am at seventeen. And as far as I can tell, Find my friends works very well. dd2 and her friends seem to have their phones will them All The Time. If your kid is deceiving you by leaving their phone somewhere on purpose, you have a very different problem than an occasional sleepover or party. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TechWife Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 4 hours ago, Carrie12345 said: I’m in a pretty rural area. I’m not often out in the wee hours, though there’s the occasional midnight-ish trip home. Dh drives late/early more often for firehouse calls and business trips. (We’re two hours from the airport, so...) Neither of us has ever been pulled over here. I haven’t been pulled over at all in close to 20 years! There are state troopers all over the main road outside of our development. Most often, they’re zooming up behind and flipping their lights so we’ll get out of their way. Yeah, I lived rural growing up & live in the city now. Getting pulled over just because it's late isn't a thing. There has to be probable cause to pull someone over - speeding, lights not on, not using blinkers, weaving, driving way too slowly, light(s) burned out. All of those are crimes so the officer has a responsibility to pull that vehicle over. Just driving lawfully down the road - no, not a reason and not lawful. That would be harassment at best, unlawful imprisonment at worst. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JustEm Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 11 hours ago, MissLemon said: Ha! Try it and report back on the results. Any suggestions? I'm pretty sure my mom would laugh in my face if I was able to get the rule out without laughing 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 5 hours ago, hippiemamato3 said: The original post was all about not allowing young adults to have sleepovers. Huh. My apologies, I somehow missed that part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 8 hours ago, Scarlett said: I think the sleepover for underage younger kids was mentioned in reference to it being a normal part of life so for sure why would t you allow it for young adults....but for some families sleepovers for young kids isn’t a normal part of life. . I agree for young adults it is completely different. And I would have to re read the thread but is anyone actually saying they wouldn’t let their young adults sleep over at someone’s house? Heck even I would and I am probably the most strict. As far as house rules and obedient young adults....nah, I don't think they need to ‘obey’. They need to respect house rules where they are cherished guests and if they can’t deal with said house rules be adult enough to find their own accommodations. The end. No need for high drama and attempts to control anyone. Yes; it was part of the OP’s question. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 My college kids are commuter students and live with me. They don't have curfews now, but are both very responsible. One takes evening classes and sometimes comes home on the very last bus if there is a group meeting afterwards. So sometimes he's home from class around midnight. The other knows that her driving ability is diminished in the late evening, so she comes home before that's an issue. I've never had any reason to worry about them and often go to bed before they're home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 16 hours ago, MissLemon said: For what it's worth, we don't do sleepovers, and I'm probably more socially liberal than many members on this board. DS11 has never expressed an interest in doing one. When he was little, I tried to encourage him to sleep over at grandma's house, and he was against it. He doesn't really like sleeping at other people's homes, period. I'd be fine with him staying over at his friend's homes, but he's never asked and I don't feel like pushing the issue. Even when we visit my dad and I'm sharing a room with DS11, he's got this "ugh, this isn't my bed, when are we leaving?" attitude. There were even a few times he got tearful at night at Dad's house and asked if we could please go home, (he was about 8.5). He loves visiting my dad, his aunts, and his cousins and is excited to visit! But when the day is done, he wants to retreat to his own home and bed. *shrug* I figure that when he's a teen, he'll probably be more interested in staying overnight with friends or having friends over here. IMO, An 11yo who prefers to be home is not equivalent to an 18yo who wants to be allowed to sleep away from home with friends for a night. 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shoeless Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 1 minute ago, Pen said: IMO, An 11yo who prefers to be home is not equivalent to an 18yo who wants to be allowed to sleep away from home with friends for a night. Right. It's not. People were talking about whether or not sleepovers at a young age were normal. I stuck in my 2 cents. Sorry if I went too far o/t. 😕 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 (edited) 10 hours ago, Scarlett said: I think the sleepover for underage younger kids was mentioned in reference to it being a normal part of life so for sure why would t you allow it for young adults....but for some families sleepovers for young kids isn’t a normal part of life. . I agree for young adults it is completely different. And I would have to re read the thread but is anyone actually saying they wouldn’t let their young adults sleep over at someone’s house? Yes. “Adult children “ is also in thread title. until now I thought you and a few other people were agreeing that you do not allow an adult child to sleep over at a friend’s. Previously some people seemed to be saying it was against their rules, but changed mind when they learned that “sleep over” wasn’t a euphemism for sex and was with friend friends not a romantic friend. I am not sure how many people now posting on this thread actually don’t allow adult children to sleep away from home at a friend’s. Versus were answering either with regard to minor children or thinking “sleep over” was a euphemism. Edited July 9, 2019 by Pen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted July 9, 2019 Share Posted July 9, 2019 12 minutes ago, MissLemon said: Right. It's not. People were talking about whether or not sleepovers at a young age were normal. I stuck in my 2 cents. Sorry if I went too far o/t. 😕 That’s okay. It seems to have rabbit trailed all over. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brehon Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 Reefgazer, is your dd going to be a senior in high school this coming year or a freshman at university? I read the thread but may have missed that information. My eldest just turned 18 a few days ago and will be a senior this year. I'm navigating these waters, too. In my mind, there's a subtle difference between an 18 yo still in high school and an 18 yo entering university (as a university student as opposed to someone taking all DE classes or something). I know that's probably an arbitrary distinction, but it's one I have in my mind. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
City Mouse Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 I guess I can understand not wanting guests to sleepover unannounced in advance, or not wanting guests if you don’t allow the younger children to have guests stay over, but I don’t really see how you can prevent an adult child from staying out late or sleeping at a friends house. I think that if you try to put such tight restrictions on the adult child to ease your anxiety that the whole thing may backfire on you. How will you deal with your anxiety if the child does choose to move out under less than ideal circumstances to avoid the restrictions? I think you will both need to make some compromises. It sounds like you need to realize that your anxiety needs to be dealt with in another manner. Keeping your kids under strict control to ease your anxiety is only going to work for so long. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pen Posted July 10, 2019 Share Posted July 10, 2019 (edited) Quote I think that if you try to put such tight restrictions on the adult child to ease your anxiety that the whole thing may backfire on you. This is my concern too. And I’d rather have a sleep over thought through together by parent and dc as a practice in assessing risks and practical life issues, than an all or nothing approach. I had an over anxious mother and have some anxiety myself, so thinking through what is my own anxiety (or grandparent anxiety) versus real life significant risk is something I have to consciously work on. Plus I find inositol helps. 😊 another thing that has helped is for dc to tell me how they will be handling the concerning situation For example perhaps a reassurance that they won’t be in a awalmart parking lot but rather will be at Soandso home Edited July 10, 2019 by Pen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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