Divorce situation

[DawnM]

Ok, I feel kind of put on the spot and I am not sure what I should be doing/saying/reacting.

My son's friend's parents.  I don't know them all that well but am getting to know them better now.

The husband (well, ex now) and my husband have started talking, not a lot, but some.  The husband has started sharing things with us about the situation, the kids' reactions, difficulties, etc.....We have listened and not really said much.  My son's friend prefers living with dad and is pretty vocal about it.  

Anyway, this weekend, for the first time, the MOM contacted me.  She started telling me all sorts of personal stuff about the husband and kids.......all within the first 5 minutes.  I felt very uncomfortable.  

Now, I know she is probably hurting and needs a friend, but I really don't want to get in the middle of this.  Mom is using the "our kids are friends so it would be nice to exchange numbers."  But I sense there is more to it and I almost get the feeling she thinks if we become chummy that I can convince her child to want to be with her more.

At the moment I am just listening and playing dumb.  I really don't know what else to do that won't affect the boys and their friendship.  I am not on the mom's side or the dad's side, I am on the kids' side.   I fear I could be treading into "what did she say?" and "what did he say" spy territory expectations if I am not careful.

I am hesitant to even post this so please don't quote.  I don't know who is on these boards or can read them.

[Guest]

I think you are wise to be cautious. I would be VERY concerned that she wants to use me as a pawn in a big game of chess. 

I’m no big fan of confrontation, so, were it me, I would probably play dumb, miss her calls, forget to respond to her emails/texts, be generally unreliable to the point she doesn’t see me as a viable resource. 

I have had a similar thing happen where a friend’s stbx contacted dh under the guise of having some work for him. (Perhaps he actually did, but I did not trust his motives.) DH just was flaky about getting back to him and he desisted. 

[elegantlion]

Honestly, it sounds like she's fishing for information. I also would be cautious. Depending upon how bold you want to be, you could simply state that you're glad the kids are friends, but beyond that you're not going to comment on her divorce. It is hard to find people who are willing to talk about divorce when you're going through it. It doesn't sound like she was testing the waters to see if you're willing to listen, not if she'd sharing so much in the early parts of her conversation. It could be that she wants to protect her reputation, which you could just state that you're not on sides here, just thinking of the kids. 

 

[KungFuPanda]

Do not give her your number!

[MysteryJen]

Do not give her your number- stay out of everything. I have been caught in the middle and really, really wish I didn't know anything at all, ever.

Let this be a guy thing- sons are friends, dads are friends. Moms stay out of it.

[umsami]

It's awkward.

She may just need a friend.

She may think that the Dad has trash talked her and worry about her reputation.

She may want you to intervene with her son.

I think the kindest thing you can do is just be honest with her... tell her that you're on her son's side....and maybe suggest a divorce support group. 

Edited November 25, 2018 by umsami

[NorthwestMom]

How old is your DS's friend? When my kids were elementary/ middle school, I usually had phone numbers for both parents if they were divorced. It is SO much easier when figuring out carpools, sleepovers, etc. With older teens you don't need everyone's number. However, if you have a relationship with the child beyond his just being DS's friend, you might want to know a bit of the background in case he needs extra support. 

Whether you give the phone number or not, I think this is where you have to assert your own boundaries in the conversation and just pass the bean dip/refuse to participate in conversations that make you uncomfortable. 

[gardenmom5]

I would refuse to be in the middle.   i think it's more than she's hoping you will encourage the son to live with her, but she may think she's countering anything her ex says to your dh.

when she brings it up - "that's something to discuss with your counselor/whatever/" (change the subject.) - what's bobbby's schedule?

[DawnM]

She has my number now.  After 2.5 years of friendship, she finally said, "J, you can't go over until I can talk to his mom."  So I was kind of stuck.  She said, "Our kids are at each other's houses all the time, so I thought it would be nice to have each other's numbers" but then she launched into bashing pretty quickly, almost like she wanted to warn me about her ex.  A little late after 2.5 years of very close friendship.

I was pretty vague on the phone, didn't affirm her accusations of her ex or deny anything.  Just kind of listened and then tried to change the subject.

Kids are freshman in high school.
 

[DawnM]

1 minute ago, gardenmom5 said:

I would refuse to be in the middle.   i think it's more than she's hoping you will encourage the son to live with her, but she may think she's countering anything her ex says to your dh.

when she brings it up - "that's something to discuss with your counselor/whatever/" (change the subject.) - what's bobbby's schedule?

 

I don't think she knows we talk to the Ex.  Not sure.

[DawnM]

This is so much easier when it is just MY friend divorcing, I will take my friend's side out of loyalty and just leave it at that, and it is known that I am Sarah's friend (picking a random name) and will pick Sarah's "side."

Just different this time around.

[Liz CA]

Clear boundaries! If you find it's potentially useful or necessary for her to have your number, fine. As soon as convo veers into "divorce territory," a firm: "This is really none of my business. Our kids are friends but I don't want to get caught up in anything else," should signal to her that it's inappropriate - if she ever goes down that road.

If you know you are not good with boundaries you could perhaps avoid giving out the number in the first place. IMHO, making clear statements early on so everyone knows where they are standing is most helpful in the long run. 

[DawnM]

10 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

Clear boundaries! If you find it's potentially useful or necessary for her to have your number, fine. As soon as convo veers into "divorce territory," a firm: "This is really none of my business. Our kids are friends but I don't want to get caught up in anything else," should signal to her that it's inappropriate - if she ever goes down that road.

If you know you are not good with boundaries you could perhaps avoid giving out the number in the first place. IMHO, making clear statements early on so everyone knows where they are standing is most helpful in the long run. 

 

It isn't that simple.  If she just wanted to talk about her and her husband's issues, that would be one thing.....but she is tying things to her son and how it affects my son, and trying to make it a "you need to watch out" blah, blah, blah......"He's a bad driver, X number of accidents, you shouldn't let your son ride with him" that kind of thing.  There is more, but again, don't really want to put things on a public board.  The above is actually not what she said, but an example of how she tries to relate it to what I "need" to know.

[Carol in Cal.]

It's so hard, isn't it?

We had a similar situation in my DH's family.  The actual relative was objectively in the wrong. but the relative-in-law was the one who was always complaining, and although my sympathies were entirely with her, I really did not want to hear all the stuff she wanted to say.  Ugh ugh ugh.

And then there was this couple at church, same kind of crazy, finally I told one of them that no one was on either of their sides as far as I could tell, but rather on the side of their kids.  Over sharing must just be part of the whole deal with acrimonious divorces.

[DawnM]

40 minutes ago, Carol in Cal. said:

It's so hard, isn't it?

We had a similar situation in my DH's family.  The actual relative was objectively in the wrong. but the relative-in-law was the one who was always complaining, and although my sympathies were entirely with her, I really did not want to hear all the stuff she wanted to say.  Ugh ugh ugh.

And then there was this couple at church, same kind of crazy, finally I told one of them that no one was on either of their sides as far as I could tell, but rather on the side of their kids.  Over sharing must just be part of the whole deal with acrimonious divorces.

 

I find it easier when I am just dealing with the adults.  My high school best friend has divorced twice.   I am going to be flat out honest, she was in NO WAY innocent in either situation.  But she is MY friend and I will be her friend and take her side anyway.  I won't tell her she is right, but I will listen and be sympathetic and love her through it.  And I will stop interacting with her exes.  

But yeah, once the kids are involved. OY!

[Liz CA]

2 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

It isn't that simple.  If she just wanted to talk about her and her husband's issues, that would be one thing.....but she is tying things to her son and how it affects my son, and trying to make it a "you need to watch out" blah, blah, blah......"He's a bad driver, X number of accidents, you shouldn't let your son ride with him" that kind of thing.  There is more, but again, don't really want to put things on a public board.  The above is actually not what she said, but an example of how she tries to relate it to what I "need" to know.

 

Okay, I think I get it. Though, for me it would still come back to boundaries and feeling manipulated. She is clearly trying to express her bitterness (?), anger (?) or whatever it is by trying to smear him or cast doubt about his abilities, character ,etc. You are perfectly capable of judging if it's safe for your child to be in his presence or whatever the context is. A "Thank you for your input. My dh and I will discuss it," may cut this short, especially once she realizes that she can blab whatever and you do whatever you deem appropriate. 

2 hours ago, Carol in Cal. said:

It's so hard, isn't it?

We had a similar situation in my DH's family.  The actual relative was objectively in the wrong. but the relative-in-law was the one who was always complaining, and although my sympathies were entirely with her, I really did not want to hear all the stuff she wanted to say.  Ugh ugh ugh.

And then there was this couple at church, same kind of crazy, finally I told one of them that no one was on either of their sides as far as I could tell, but rather on the side of their kids.  Over sharing must just be part of the whole deal with acrimonious divorces.

 

Absolutely! Which is why they should probably see a counselor, spiritual advisor, etc. to work through the separation process. 

As another poster said, it's so much easier if it's your relative. You can just take their side and commiserate and it's all good - sometimes at least.  😊

[DawnM]

28 minutes ago, Liz CA said:

 

Okay, I think I get it. Though, for me it would still come back to boundaries and feeling manipulated. She is clearly trying to express her bitterness (?), anger (?) or whatever it is by trying to smear him or cast doubt about his abilities, character ,etc. You are perfectly capable of judging if it's safe for your child to be in his presence or whatever the context is. A "Thank you for your input. My dh and I will discuss it," may cut this short, especially once she realizes that she can blab whatever and you do whatever you deem appropriate. 

 

Absolutely! Which is why they should probably see a counselor, spiritual advisor, etc. to work through the separation process. 

As another poster said, it's so much easier if it's your relative. You can just take their side and commiserate and it's all good - sometimes at least.  😊

 

I agree.  I just need to find the boundary without causing any issues.  

[Scarlett]

Maybe the dad is evil and she is the good one.  

[NorthwestMom]

4 hours ago, DawnM said:

 

I agree.  I just need to find the boundary without causing any issues.  

 

Please remember that setting a boundary does not cause issues per se - it exaggerates the issues that were already there.  Don't feel bad about ding what you need to do. You can also serve as a role model for your son for how to manage other people's manipulation attempts.

[DawnM]

2 minutes ago, NorthwestMom said:

 

Please remember that setting a boundary does not cause issues per se - it exaggerates the issues that were already there.  Don't feel bad about ding what you need to do. You can also serve as a role model for your son for how to manage other people's manipulation attempts.

 

No, not issues with the parents, issues with the kids.  I don't want to make anything worse for the kids in the situation.  

[Janeway]

I would not worry about the number exchanging thing. Those two are still both the parents of those kids, no matter who the kids live with. And you are still the parents of their child's friend. So, it is reasonable you be able to contact or speak to either one. Now, if one tries to get in to wanting your opinion on anything or drag you in to anything in the form of trying to get you to repeat anything about the other, then you will need to set up a boundary that you will not get in the middle of things. But otherwise, barring that happening, I think all is fine at this point. There is nothing unusual about you having the number to both parents. The son will likely be with the mom some times. Just no opinions to any of the kids, not even your own, about the parents. This could be interpreted as taking sides and that is not what anyone needs. In all this, you are neutral territory and that is it. Good luck!

[mom@shiloh]

As an aside, I just want to say that I am super impressed with people who keep their lips sealed and don't badmouth the ex. I think it would be very difficult especially if you know that ex is talking about you to anyone who will listen. And kudos to anyone who is willing to shut down the bashing stream from disgruntled ex -- I hope you're able to deflect her and establish strong boundaries. On the other hand, I do think it's good that you have her number and that she has yours if your kids are spending time together. It's a tough situation to be in though.