WWYD? Congratulations or silence?

[regentrude]

56 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

They were all really close and there was a time I think she did like my ds VERY much and maybe he liked her...hard to say....It has been several years, they were way too young.  But I honestly do not believe that is the reason my boys are so disgusted.  Especially since every one is affected the same way.  Adults, girls--everyone.  We all do realize we have to just deal with our own disgust because people get to make their own decisions. 

"disgust" is  a very strong reaction. There has to be way more than just the age difference to warrant that.

[Scarlett]

5 minutes ago, regentrude said:

"disgust" is  a very strong reaction. There has to be way more than just the age difference to warrant that.

It is her youth.  Like I said we have another couple that has a 10 year difference but it is a relationship that everyone smiles about.

[Bootsie]

4 hours ago, Scarlett said:

There has been so much tension around this situation.  The girl's social media has been almost completely silent for a year because they know so many disapprove.  So I had to go back a year to see a post of hers that I 'liked'.  Ugh.  I feel so torn.  

Personally, I don't do much on Facebook, but I would not "friend" teens on Facebook for multiple reasons.  This reminds me of some of the reasons why.  

[Scarlett]

2 minutes ago, jdahlquist said:

Personally, I don't do much on Facebook, but I would not "friend" teens on Facebook for multiple reasons.  This reminds me of some of the reasons why.  

Interesting.  I am friend's with a lot of teens.  I do a fair amount of eye rolling but generally harmless.

Edited to add---this engagement announcement wasn't on FB.

Edited November 16, 2018 by Scarlett

[maize]

I have a fifteen year old daughter. I would be very, very unhappy if a 24 year old appeared to be interested in her and yeah that ick factor would still be there two years later.

It's different in my mind if a 27 year old shows interest for the first time in an 18 year old. A grown man should not allow himself to develop interest in a young teen.

[DawnM]

3 hours ago, Farrar said:

I don't think you should belabor it. I do think it's fine to not say anything on social media. People will just assume you didn't see it - the algorithms are weird. In person, I think it would very rude to not say anything if you see them and they tell you. But a compromise phrase like, "I hope everything works out well," seems totally fine. Hopefully you do hope that.

 

That's what I was thinking too.  I typically just scroll on by......there have been situations where I am absolutely NOT supporting the relationship.  So, nope.

[Scarlett]

30 minutes ago, maize said:

I have a fifteen year old daughter. I would be very, very unhappy if a 24 year old appeared to be interested in her and yeah that ick factor would still be there two years later.

It's different in my mind if a 27 year old shows interest for the first time in an 18 year old. A grown man should not allow himself to develop interest in a young teen.

Thank you !! It is just weird!

[gardenmom5]

2 hours ago, xahm said:

Frankly, I'd find it a bit icky, too. I knew a similar couple. I think he began expressing interest when she was 14 or 15 and he was around 23. Her parents set strict rules regarding their presence at all times until the girl turned 17 or so and limited physical contact to basically none. Now they are married and I hope the best for them. It was a rough courtship for them. He was clearly physically frustrated by this and spent part of their courtship stalking me to try (unsuccessfully) to get that physical desire met, which certainly colors how I felt about this relationship. Really I was just relieved when they finally got engaged so that he would leave me alone, but I was just a little older than the girl in question at the time, so I justify that selfish reaction to myself. 

That was all pretty unrelated to the matter at hand, sorry. I really hate those relationships that start with a girl so young. A fifteen year old should be light years less mature than a twenty four year old. If not, odds are that as she does mature, she will quickly grow past him, and if they are already married by that point, that could lead to real problems.

that is super ick.  not the age difference. the girl is way too young, and what 23yo guy is interested in a 14 yo for any reason besides she fawns over the attention? (and will tolerate just about anything?) and frankly - as a parent, I wouldn't have tolerated it at 17.  they could have darn well waited to spend time together in private (EVER) until she was 18.  (i'm still pretty nauseous over the mary kay letourneau case.  so what if he's an adult now? he was 12 when it started and she messed him up.)

it is different to an 18 yo college freshman getting involved with an older guy she just met.

[Daria]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

I guess I am worried about appearing to condone this relationship in a public way that other young girls will be seeing.....but I don't want to be petty.  

 

Why would you worry if you think there is nothing immoral about it?

[Scarlett]

44 minutes ago, Daria said:

 

Why would you worry if you think there is nothing immoral about it?

Because it is stupid.  

[Scarlett]

57 minutes ago, gardenmom5 said:

that is super ick.  not the age difference. the girl is way too young, and what 23yo guy is interested in a 14 yo for any reason besides she fawns over the attention? (and will tolerate just about anything?) and frankly - as a parent, I wouldn't have tolerated it at 17.  they could have darn well waited to spend time together in private (EVER) until she was 18.  (i'm still pretty nauseous over the mary kay letourneau case.  so what if he's an adult now? he was 12 when it started and she messed him up.)

it is different to an 18 yo college freshman getting involved with an older guy she just met.

These two haven’t been alone.  So there is that.  I think he is an honorable MAN......but I don’t think he is a normal man.   Cause normal men do not seek out 16 or younger girls to start relationships with.  

[73349]

"Best wishes" in person but ignore online. It's too late to discourage the relationship.

I get the ick re: an adult asking a child out. I think most people do. (When DH brought me home for the first time, his dad pulled him aside right after our date to talk about my age. DH had turned 18 three or four months before; DFIL thought I looked too young for DH to be dating, though he knew we'd met at school. DH affirmed that I was also a senior and was let off the hook.) But the ship has sailed.

My great-grandparents on one side were 12 years apart, but she was 20 before they met and 22 when he proposed (via a letter), not a kid. At 17, she had rejected a traveling salesman (age unknown) who proposed to her in her kitchen!

Edited November 17, 2018 by whitehawk

[Jenny in Florida]

I guess I really don't get why it would be so difficult to just wish them well. Do you not wish them well? You really aren't in charge of determining whether their marriage is "ick" or a bad idea. 

Kindness doesn't cost one anything.

[Scarlett]

44 minutes ago, Jenny in Florida said:

I guess I really don't get why it would be so difficult to just wish them well. Do you not wish them well? You really aren't in charge of determining whether their marriage is "ick" or a bad idea. 

Kindness doesn't cost one anything.

Yes and if you read the entire thread you will see that I have said that.  

I most certainly am in charge of determining what is ick to me.  And I don’t to give my blessing to such a situation. 

However I know I don’t get tomd code how people live their lives....thus my confusion about how I should handle it. 

[Scarlett]

55 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

I remember you talking about a couple like this before - did you post about them a couple of years ago? Something about the mother (can’t remember his or hers) really pushing this relationship?

iirc, that thread included a lot of observations about arranged marriage and links to Let Them Marry (promoting “child” brides - not sure if that group still has a web presence).

Of course maybe I am misremembering, but the scenario sounds familiar.  

Sadly this is one of two relationships in my immediate circle.  And my boys have been very affected by it.  So I really don’t know which one I mentioned a couple of years ago.  

[Guest]

I think you are belaboring it because you don’t like the circumstances (I wouldn’t either.) 

It makes me think of instances with young unwed births and my ambivalence about baby showers, gifts, etc. Part of me could only barely say “I hope for the best.” Part of me did not even want to acknowledge it. But there is also the element of What’s Done IS Done. So ??‍♀️. I give a package of diapers, which is surely needed, and wish the best. 

[Bluegoat]

7 hours ago, Scarlett said:

26 year old marrying 17 year old.  

 

Well, you never know.  I have two aunt/uncle pairs, from opposite sides of the family, where this was the situation.  Both couples are still married - unlike my parents or most of the other siblings who married later.

[Scarlett]

4 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

Well, you never know.  I have two aunt/uncle pairs, from opposite sides of the family, where this was the situation.  Both couples are still married - unlike my parents or most of the other siblings who married later.

And I hope this for this couple.  Really I do.  

[Scarlett]

16 minutes ago, Quill said:

I think you are belaboring it because you don’t like the circumstances (I wouldn’t either.) 

It makes me think of instances with young unwed births and my ambivalence about baby showers, gifts, etc. Part of me could only barely say “I hope for the best.” Part of me did not even want to acknowledge it. But there is also the element of What’s Done IS Done. So ??‍♀️. I give a package of diapers, which is surely needed, and wish the best. 

Yep.   Exactly.  I guess we are to the point of what is done is done. 

[Bluegoat]

3 hours ago, Scarlett said:

These two haven’t been alone.  So there is that.  I think he is an honorable MAN......but I don’t think he is a normal man.   Cause normal men do not seek out 16 or younger girls to start relationships with.  

 

Is this true though?  It's not common now, but it was not that long ago, like a generation or so.  It was really common at certain times in the past.

I'd not like it for my daughter either,  I think the problem now is that the lifestyles of young people are so different.  A few years would make a big difference in this instance. I wonder sometimes though if the older approach wasn't in a basic way more "normal".  I think the physical attraction at those ages is pretty understandable, and really a lot of people never expected that as couples they would be "friend" in the sense of someone of similar interests that they hang out with.  I have a hard time thinking of a common state that worked pretty well through many places and times as abnormal, exactly.

These days too, a lot of 26 years old men are extremely immature.  So there is that.

[Scarlett]

10 minutes ago, Bluegoat said:

 

Is this true though?  It's not common now, but it was not that long ago, like a generation or so.  It was really common at certain times in the past.

I'd not like it for my daughter either,  I think the problem now is that the lifestyles of young people are so different.  A few years would make a big difference in this instance. I wonder sometimes though if the older approach wasn't in a basic way more "normal".  I think the physical attraction at those ages is pretty understandable, and really a lot of people never expected that as couples they would be "friend" in the sense of someone of similar interests that they hang out with.  I have a hard time thinking of a common state that worked pretty well through many places and times as abnormal, exactly.

These days too, a lot of 26 years old men are extremely immature.  So there is that.

I will give him that.   He is very immature.   

[maize]

4 minutes ago, Scarlett said:

I will give him that.   He is very immature.   

I had a college roommate who at age 19 married a guy who was 29 or 30 (I think he was 29 when they met and maybe turned 30 before the wedding. He was way immature--less mature than her and she wasn't on the mature side for 19.

They've done OK, been married 21 years now.

 

[Terabith]

I would go with silence.

[Ellie]

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

How about social media?  Do you keep scrolling or say congrats?

 

Keep scrolling. Nothing is required for social media.

[Ausmumof3]

I think it’s possible it’ll be noticed if you don’t respond given the closeness of the relationship but still unlikely.  Unless they get very few likes/ comments in which case they might be figuring out who their supporters are.

i would feel uncomfortable with the situation if it was my dd.

[DawnM]

13 hours ago, Scarlett said:

Right, it appears they are being moral.  Her parents are very much involved....but they are so young....closer to the man's age than the man is to the 17 year old!!!  My boys just see it as an old man preying on a young girl....I don't think it is quite like that...but still.  Several things make it seem worse than it probably actually is.  She looks like a little girl....he looks MUCH older than he is....he doesn't even have his own place yet (but I did hear he was getting an apartment soon)…..but in the end, they (and her parents because they will have to sign) get to make this decision.

 

We had a homeschooling mom, helping in the youth group,(she was 45 or so), who divorced her husband and started a relationship with a 19 year old senior in high school.  They have ended up married.  He was maybe 21 or 22 when they married and she was 48 or so.  She had a daughter his age!

I just assumed they got a little too close in youth group, he had some issues and I think she "helped him" and it was more of a rescue type relationship.  I just can't possibly see what they have it common.  

They left the church they were in, and I have always just assumed it was because no one there approved of the relationship, but I can't confirm that.  I do know that his parents don't post anything about him or his marriage or anything about her.  

[HS Mom in NC]

In this day in age, yes, it's bizarre for a mid-teen to have any kind of relationship with a guy in his 20s.  My husband and I were 26 and 20 when we married 25 years ago, but we started dating when I was 19. Since this is a creeper situation in my book, I'd go with silence on FB.

My husband's friend has a daughter who married her youth group pastor 10 years older than she was.  He never interacted with any kind of romantic interest while she was in the youth group. When she turned 18 he asked her father's permission before he asked her on a date and they married when she finished college.  So it's not crazy to think there's a 17 year old you might be interested in dating, but if you go that route, you have to be very careful about how you do it.

My middle daughter is 2 years younger than my SIL.  They met on the archery team when she was 13 and he was 15.  They started dating when she was 15 and he was 17, so she was a minor in a relationship with a legal adult for a couple of years, but it wasn't enough of an age gap to be worrisome, it was like being high school sweethearts. She was self-supporting with full pay and benefits at 18, living on her own. They married at 20 and 22.

I'm adamantly opposed to minors marrying. I want a federal law banning child marriage in the US.  There's no reason in today's society for anyone to marry before 18.

Edited November 18, 2018 by Homeschool Mom in AZ