What are we dealing with with my sil?

[SKL]

Dys-name-ia runs in my family.  Personally I am best at remembering little kids' info, but even I have to think for a few moments to remember some of the kids' names.  It's not that I don't like or love the kids.  ?  My dad (loving, present, smart) has always mixed up his own kids' names, so I blame it on him.

My kids' very bright cousins usually call my kids "cousins."  FInally around age 7 or 8 they started remembering one of the names, but they still butcher the other name.  Like this: suppose my kids' names were Anastasia and Alyssa.  The cousins call them "Anastasia & Analyssa."  Or just "cousins," still.  We just think it's funny.

[Catwoman]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

I don't think you're joking about not knowing your nephew's names...

My family is really messed up but it would still break my heart if I heard any of my aunts or uncles didn't remember my name. 

 

I agree. I would be sad to think that my own aunt or uncle didn’t remember my name, even if we rarely saw each other. I’m not all that great with names, but I would not allow myself to forget the names of my nieces and nephews (or their children.)  I guess I would just think of it as common courtesy, even if I barely knew them. Maybe some people think it’s silly, but I feel like there are certain things I should absolutely know, and the names of siblings’ kids are on that list. 

[unsinkable]

24 minutes ago, SKL said:

Dys-name-ia runs in my family.  Personally I am best at remembering little kids' info, but even I have to think for a few moments to remember some of the kids' names.  It's not that I don't like or love the kids.  ?  My dad (loving, present, smart) has always mixed up his own kids' names, so I blame it on him.

My kids' very bright cousins usually call my kids "cousins."  FInally around age 7 or 8 they started remembering one of the names, but they still butcher the other name.  Like this: suppose my kids' names were Anastasia and Alyssa.  The cousins call them "Anastasia & Analyssa."  Or just "cousins," still.  We just think it's funny.

There is difference between:

*little kids not remembering names...cuz they are learning them;

*adults RECALLING names as they are speaking (especially parents, where it is a popular joke that a parent goes thru every one of their offsprings' names, plus the pets, before they hit on the right one)...

and not REMEMBERING a (close) relative's name.

[maize]

1 hour ago, unsinkable said:

I don't think you're joking about not knowing your nephew's names...

My family is really messed up but it would still break my heart if I heard any of my aunts or uncles didn't remember my name. 

 

I have over fifty nieces and nephews. If I think long and hard I believe I can remember all the names but I almost certainly cannot fit names to faces for everyone.

Half my family are face blind though so we take wrong names in stride ?

[maize]

Now that I am a great aunt it gets even worse...

[Catwoman]

27 minutes ago, maize said:

 

I have over fifty nieces and nephews. If I think long and hard I believe I can remember all the names but I almost certainly cannot fit names to faces for everyone.

Half my family are face blind though so we take wrong names in stride ?

 

I think it’s different when there are 50 — although I’ll bet you can still remember everyone’s name, especially if you’re thinking of Bob’s kids or Mary’s kids and not just trying to recite all of the names at once. The post unsinkable responded to was about only 4 nephews, and that’s why it resonated with me, as I have only two nieces and two nephews. ?

[Catwoman]

19 minutes ago, Seasider too said:

 

Yep - I have dozens upon dozens of first cousins, some I’ve never met. Once they all started having kids, well there is just no way to remember all that. 

I do think it’s sad in small families with small, not estranged sibling group sizes to think that niece and nephew names cannot be remembered. But honestly, usually I am so focused and devoting my time and energy to keeping my head above water with my own nuclear family goings-on that I don’t have the capacity to remember and participate in all the life events of nieces and nephews, especially those who live far away and are rarely seen. 

Maybe that sounds cold, but I do the best I can and find it sad I may be judged severely over it. I did much better when all were little, but it was always one way relationship. Once they were old enough to write or call back, or heck even easy email or text, but chose not to - well, I didn’t drop them, but remembering all their things became less urgent. 

 

I read your post and it got me thinking that ashfern might feel like I was judging her for not remembering her nephews’ names. I hope she doesn’t feel that way! I think she’s a very nice person and I didn’t mean to sound like I was judging her. I’m sure unsinkable was reacting the same way I was — imagining how she would feel if she found out her relative didn’t remember her name. I was just posting about how I would feel and how my mind works when it comes to things like that. I realize that everyone comes from different family backgrounds and that their relationships with family members are often very different from mine, so they may not feel the same sense of personal obligation.

In your case, I don’t think anyone needs to feel that they have to keep up with the details of other people’s lives. Remembering someone’s name is a far cry from knowing they had a soccer game last Saturday when they live halfway across the country from you! 

[unsinkable]

12 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I read your post and it got me thinking that ashfern might feel like I was judging her for not remembering her nephews’ names. I hope she doesn’t feel that way! I think she’s a very nice person and I didn’t mean to sound like I was judging her. I’m sure unsinkable was reacting the same way I was — imagining how she would feel if she found out her relative didn’t remember her name. I was just posting about how I would feel and how my mind works when it comes to things like that. I realize that everyone comes from different family backgrounds and that their relationships with family members are often very different from mine, so they may not feel the same sense of personal obligation.

In your case, I don’t think anyone needs to feel that they have to keep up with the details of other people’s lives. Remembering someone’s name is a far cry from knowing they had a soccer game last Saturday when they live halfway across the country from you! 

I know for me, my parents' brothers and sisters were my closest connection (besides my brother) to my mom and dad. And since I lost them so young, I felt like my aunts and uncles were the holders of my parents' (and thus) my history. So the thought that these people didn't remember my name...yeah, it would break my heart.

But unfortunately, out of my dozens (incl spouses) of aunts and uncles, only a handful are still alive.

[ashfern]

44 minutes ago, Catwoman said:

 

I read your post and it got me thinking that ashfern might feel like I was judging her for not remembering her nephews’ names. I hope she doesn’t feel that way!

1

Naw, I'm fine. I've only ever met my nephews once and that was only the three of them at that time. They are my half-sister's kids and we rarely communicate (obviously). I don't even have her current address. If I interacted with them I would remember their names.

[SKL]

I would probably pass the test of remembering nieces / nephews' names, but their significant others etc ... I don't know.  At some point I'm going to lose capacity for more names. ?

[SKL]

Well I wonder what would happen if OP made it extremely clear that she didn't care about SIL's cats?  Would SIL be all "oh well we all have different interests"?

I'm not saying anyone should say anything to her.  I continue to think SIL has some social or mental issues and may not actually mean to hurt anyone's feelings, and should be tolerated as she is, as long as she doesn't say anything nasty.  But to suggest it's perfectly normal and neutral for a person to ignore and change the subject every time a sibling mentions something obviously very important to him - that I can't agree with.

PS I also don't think it's very nice to act that way about another person's pets, although I can understand it more with pets vs. kids.

[marbel]

On 10/25/2018 at 7:25 AM, Pen said:

Have you directly told your sil that you want her to act more interested in (or at least to express something in response to things you say about) your children?  

I know you want us to psychoanalyze from afar, but to me it sounds like bad communication is going on between the two of you. In both directions. 

I can't even imagine how a conversation like that would go.

My in-laws aren't all that interested in my kids. They will sometimes ask perfunctory questions about them, and they'll occasionally have short phone chats. But they are clearly not all that interested.  My brother was also not very interested in my kids, even though when his kids (who are much older than mine) were young, I was very close to them. So, I get how uncomfortable and hurtful it can be.

Still, I can't imagine telling another adult that I want them to show more interest in my kids, or how to respond when I'm speaking to them about my kids.  I would just accept that the kids are not going to have much of a relationship with that aunt, and let it go. 

[skimomma]

OP, is there any chance SIL has mild dementia?  My own mother had what seemed like decreasing interest in my dd (her only grandchild) over the years.  I was puzzled at first but it turned out to be the beginning signs of Alzheimers.  My mom was very into dd when she was born and always asking about her and sending gifts.  When dd was around 6, mom started asking less and less about her and the gifts went down in number and were usually not age appropriate.  For instance, mom sent my at-the-time 13yo board books for Christmas.  By that time we suspected a bigger issue as there were other signs of trouble but for the first few years I really thought she just was not interested.

Some people, including my mom, are quite good at masking this sort of trouble.   They avoid subjects where they might say something that makes it clear they don't remember details.  Since kids change quickly and their interests and activities constantly evolve, it is one of the hardest threads for someone who is suffering from declining memory to navigate.  It is now to the point that mom cannot remember that she now has additional grandchildren, she has no idea how old my dd is or what she is into, and she cannot even remember what I do for a living or when I last visited her.  But I can often have a whole 60 minute phone conversation with her when this would not be apparent because she always directs the conversation back to "safe" (for her) topics like the weather, what she ate for meals, and yes....her cat.  If she didn't often go back to the same weather conversation 10+ times within a single phone conversation, most people would not realize that is what she is doing. 

Just another possible factor.

[regentrude]

2 hours ago, HeighHo said:

I am guessing money is involved as she may come from an extended family tradition of recognizing high school grad with card and gift, but doesn't want to continue the tradition. Being reminded of the grad by her sibling and ignoring it says a lot..

I don't think it says anything. She may simply consider it no big deal and not worth mentioning. I sure don't. It's just high school.

Edited October 26, 2018 by regentrude

[Pen]

13 hours ago, marbel said:

I can't even imagine how a conversation like that would go.

My in-laws aren't all that interested in my kids. They will sometimes ask perfunctory questions about them, and they'll occasionally have short phone chats. But they are clearly not all that interested.  My brother was also not very interested in my kids, even though when his kids (who are much older than mine) were young, I was very close to them. So, I get how uncomfortable and hurtful it can be.

Still, I can't imagine telling another adult that I want them to show more interest in my kids, or how to respond when I'm speaking to them about my kids.  I would just accept that the kids are not going to have much of a relationship with that aunt, and let it go. 

 

I think my post was understood by others as meaning to boss some other adult around and tell them what they had to do. I did not mean it that way, but saw from a previous response that was the way it came across. 

What I was trying to get at was something else. 

I would feel upset if I were to learn that my sister were asking strangers on some Internet forum to psychoanalyze me, with apparently a presumption that I had some mental illness—especially if she had never even directly said anything to me about how something I did was making her feel, and without giving me a chance to give my own explanation. 

 

[readinmom]

People (including family) rarely ask about our kids.  I don't know if this is something that happens as the kids get older...

I do have friends/family members that would rather talk about their pets than their own children.