Moving someone into assisted living logistics question

[skimomma]

My google skills are failing me.

I live ten hours away from my mother and just started a new job, which means I will have very limited vacation time for the next 6+ months.  My mother recently was hospitalized which caused a rapid acceleration in her cognitive functioning.  We are awaiting consultation with her neurologist but it is very clear that she will not be able to live on her own much longer.  I am already taking over her financial affairs and trying to (from afar) help her with making appointments, transportation, and legal matters.  She is starting to acknowledge that living independently is getting more and more difficult.  I anticipate she will move into assisted living within the next 3-9 months and that could be with little warning.  I plan to be there in person as I am the only one available to do so, but I will have little flexibility to be away from my job.  If the move happens sooner than later, I may have VERY little time to be onsite.

So.....  Mom is a hoarder and currently has a 2400 square foot townhouse stuffed to the gills with stuff.  It is a mix of theoretically "useful" stuff and pure junk.  None of it has any real monetary value.  It is not moldy, animal/insect impacted, or otherwise dirty beyond dust.  After mom has sorted out what she can take with her, which will only be a fraction, and I have sorted out anything important like papers, photos, and other sentimental items, I would say 80% of the stuff will need to be disposed of.  I will have to get her place completely cleaned out in very little time.  I will likely be there alone and will need to focus my attention on transitioning my mom so that she is comfortable, not worrying about hauling stuff, cleaning, etc.....

I know there are companies that do this kind of thing.  1800GotJunk is the only one I can seem to find or think of.  According to their website they "donate" anything useful but the reviewers are saying it really all just goes in the landfill with the exception of anything that can be recycled.  What are the words I need to type into Google to find alternatives, if there are any?  Anyone ever hear of a company that does it all....hauls, donates, dispose, and CLEANS a house/apartment?   And in any case, how does this really work?  Do they take food items (mom loves to stockpile non-perishables....most of which is expired)?  How much can I expect it to cost?  Has anyone used a service like this?  Any help or advice would be very much welcome!

[Spryte]

I cleaned out my mother’s house about 3 years ago.  She has hoarding tendencies and it was hard work.

It took me three long 4-day weekend trips, with solid, hard, long workdays. It was exhausting.

In the end, we called Got Junk, and I wish I’d done it sooner in the process.  

If I had to do it over, I would:  have Mom choose what she wants to take and set aside in a cleared staging area (we cleared the dining room and used that).  Then I would choose what I or other family would take and set aside.

The rest I’d let Got Junk or similar company handle.

Then I’d call in a cleaning company, and call it good.

?

 

This isn’t the way I did it, to be clear.  I recycled and donated and found people to take various different components, and generally it took longer than if I’d have just called Got Junk.  We only did that at the very end and after doing so I realized it was worth every penny!

 

[happi duck]

Try calling an estate sale company.  They might be able to do an estate sale.  When we had our sale they told us not to throw anything out because people will buy *anything*.  The estate sale people should also be able to clear the home after the sale for a fee.  They should vacuum but deep cleaning will probably be someone else you hire.  A realtor might be able to recommend a cleaner that is used to doing vacant homes.

If you don't want to have a sale, you can also google phrases like: estate clear out, home clear out etc.  They should sell, recycle, and donate.  They should give you an estimate for the clear out taking into account what they can sell.

I think 1800junk is a franchise so it can be better or worse depending where you our.  Around here it is around $600-$700 per truckload.  I think they said the truck is like the size of 8? refrigerators.  You can call and find out basic info without committing to a date.

(Hugs)

 

[Janeway]

I would take anything that looks good to be donated and put them in boxes and run them to donation right now before calling Got Junk. We have a local charity that takes all the electronic stuff and uses it to refurbish stuff for veterans, so I would separate that stuff out for veterans. That sort of thing. I just cannot stand things ending up in a land fill. 

[skimomma]

2 minutes ago, Janeway said:

I would take anything that looks good to be donated and put them in boxes and run them to donation right now before calling Got Junk. We have a local charity that takes all the electronic stuff and uses it to refurbish stuff for veterans, so I would separate that stuff out for veterans. That sort of thing. I just cannot stand things ending up in a land fill. 

 

I'm with you on this, I just don't think I will have the time to do that.  Just sorting out what my mom wants, what we should legally save, and searching for anything of sentimental value is already more time-consuming than I fear I am able to do in the time I will have.  That is why I am hoping to find a company that does that for me.

[Janeway]

1 minute ago, skimomma said:

 

I'm with you on this, I just don't think I will have the time to do that.  Just sorting out what my mom wants, what we should legally save, and searching for anything of sentimental value is already more time-consuming than I fear I am able to do in the time I will have.  That is why I am hoping to find a company that does that for me.

Can you make a post on FB to ask some volunteers to help? I bet a local church that collects charity would be willing to send some people to look through the stuff for you. Maybe. I don't know. Just brain storming here. For us, we are in the process of doing this, but we have a lot of time as the house is not being sold yet.

[Spryte]

Yes, we are very opposed to the landfill option as well, thus my many 12 hour days working to be sure very little from my mother’s home landed in the landfill.  Looking back, the cost to my family was high, and my health, and it was hard doing it long distance - harder than I thought it would be.  I’m 85% sure if I had to do it again, I’d go with the plan I outlined above.  Not saying it’s right for everyone, just that I couldn’t do it again.  It was intense.  I think hiring someone who handles estates is a great idea, though it did not seem the right choice for my own mother.  Definitely, the more help you can get on board, the better.  It is crazy hard to do long distance!

I wish you luck - DH and I are the primary caregivers for three elderly parents, two of whom are now in assisted living after moving near us (but still need a lot from us re: weekly care), and the other has recently moved in with us.  

[happi duck]

The estate sale/clear out company I used set aside photos and personal papers.  They also let me make a list of things I was looking for and set those aside too.

If you turn everything over and change your mind about a big ticket item they might charge you a percentage to pull it out of the sale.

[HollyDay]

Does she have any local connections such as church, community group, club, etc that would host a yard sale for her?  If so, move what she wants, take what you want, store what might be needed or others would want, then let them yard sale the rest.  If she doesn't have those connections, then is there enough "of value" that an estate sale business would be interested?  For a fee, they will organize and do the sale then dispose of the rest.  Do you or does she know any local people who are starting out (I'm thinking college students, new marrieds, new grads) and need to set up an apartment?  If you just want stuff gone, then put the word out and tell folks to come get it.  

Books can all go to the local library. 

If you have the financial resources for multiple trips and can afford to keep her home for a time, then you could do it in stages. 

[happi duck]

Don't drop books off at a library without asking first.  When I worked with Friends of the Library the library never wanted donated books and they sat in the basement until the annual used book sale.  Then most didn't sell and went back in storage.

[skimomma]

22 minutes ago, HollyDay said:

 

If you have the financial resources for multiple trips and can afford to keep her home for a time, then you could do it in stages. 

 

This is what I don't have.  She will have to vacate her home within days of moving into assisted living (they are linked together).  Driving there takes a full day so each trip involves two days of just driving.  In the best case scenario, I will have one week to do it all.  If she has to move sooner, we are looking at mere days.  I know this situation looks impossible, but it is what it is and I have to find a way to make it work.  Thus my research into outsourcing anything I possibly can, even if it does not fit my normal ideals.  Desperate times and all that.....

She does have a church and I contacted them when I first learned that the situation had gotten dire.  The most they could offer would be to ask for volunteers to help me but they seemed a bit doubtful of finding any as my mom is a little.....uh....difficult to be around so her only church friends are a handful of other very elderly people.  She has one elderly couple that she is especially close to.  They have been an enormous help to me thus far but are too frail to haul anything and are also hoarders so not people I want involved in stuff decisions.  They were around when I moved my mom from her even larger house to her current townhouse ten years ago and it was a disaster.  They were snorkeling through the dumpster and questioning everything I tossed.  At one point, I was throwing the same thing out 2-3 times because they kept taking things out and bringing it back into the house after I left for the day.

[PeterPan]

Are you able to take FMLA? I actually don't know what the law covers, but you might check to see. 

When we moved our loved one into assisted living, cleaning out the apartment he had been in was AWFUL. We took an enclosed trailer and hauled out bags and bags of trash. You might find it most expeditious to take in a team and a rental truck unless there is a dumpster you're allowed to use. That way you could do it all in a day. Oh, and even if you don't think it smells, take masks and gloves. It's doubtless going to be dirty and dusty once you dig in, sigh.

Agreeing with the others NOT to have your mother around for this. It's horribly stressful for them, so have someone take her some place nice and give her a nice day. Go get a pedicure, watch a movie, eat lunch, whatever.

Some assisted living can handle dementia and alzheimers and some can't. Where my loved one is, they don't take dementia and they don't take anyone requiring nursing care. Because moving is stressful and your mom's needs are increasing, you'll definitely want to think strategically. Does your mom have furnishings to move into the assisted living? My loved one needed basic living room furniture. We did a pre-assessment of his belongings then took 2 days to go buy what we needed, make a plan, and return to do the move. We brought the furniture in the trailer and hauled out trash with the trailer.

I hope your move goes well! My loved one's health improved noticeably over the course of a year after moving. Even basics like having good, stable meals were helpful. He began to engage with the social more. Hopefully your mother will do well as well.

[goldberry]

Just came back from a visit with my elderly parents and thanking God that they have very minimal "stuff" in spite of living in the same house for 50 years.  My mom has ONE closet that she has quite a bit of junk in (old house closet, not walk in) and my dad keeps bugging her to clean it out.  This elderly parent thing is emotional enough on its own, I'm so grateful not to have the "junk" factor.

Hugs to all of you!!

[PeterPan]

38 minutes ago, skimomma said:

 

This is what I don't have.  She will have to vacate her home within days of moving into assisted living (they are linked together).  Driving there takes a full day so each trip involves two days of just driving.  In the best case scenario, I will have one week to do it all.  If she has to move sooner, we are looking at mere days.  I know this situation looks impossible, but it is what it is and I have to find a way to make it work.  Thus my research into outsourcing anything I possibly can, even if it does not fit my normal ideals.  Desperate times and all that.....

She does have a church and I contacted them when I first learned that the situation had gotten dire.  The most they could offer would be to ask for volunteers to help me but they seemed a bit doubtful of finding any as my mom is a little.....uh....difficult to be around so her only church friends are a handful of other very elderly people.  She has one elderly couple that she is especially close to.  They have been an enormous help to me thus far but are too frail to haul anything and are also hoarders so not people I want involved in stuff decisions.  They were around when I moved my mom from her even larger house to her current townhouse ten years ago and it was a disaster.  They were snorkeling through the dumpster and questioning everything I tossed.  At one point, I was throwing the same thing out 2-3 times because they kept taking things out and bringing it back into the house after I left for the day.

Yeah, don't use her friends. Do you have nieces and nephews? My teen niece went with us and she was stellar. If you take a hotel room with 2 queens and a sleeper sofa, you can probably fit 4-5 people. That might knock out all the rooms in her townhouse in one day. You'll be too tired to drive back. We only had a 3 hour drive, so we did it with one hotel night. Sounds like you'll need 2 with a full team. And find someone to occupy your mother. That's really going to take the right person. Or she'll already be checked into the new place? Can she check herself out easily? That's super super awkward. Do they have a social worker you can talk with at the facility? Talk with them. They've done this before and might have suggestions. 

[PeterPan]

3 minutes ago, goldberry said:

Just came back from a visit with my elderly parents and thanking God that they have very minimal "stuff" in spite of living in the same house for 50 years.  My mom has ONE closet that she has quite a bit of junk in (old house closet, not walk in) and my dad keeps bugging her to clean it out.  This elderly parent thing is emotional enough on its own, I'm so grateful not to have the "junk" factor.

Hugs to all of you!!

I know now that we've done this with others the last few years, it makes us want to go clean our own stuff out, whew!!

[skimomma]

28 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Are you able to take FMLA? I actually don't know what the law covers, but you might check to see. 

When we moved our loved one into assisted living, cleaning out the apartment he had been in was AWFUL. We took an enclosed trailer and hauled out bags and bags of trash. You might find it most expeditious to take in a team and a rental truck unless there is a dumpster you're allowed to use. That way you could do it all in a day. Oh, and even if you don't think it smells, take masks and gloves. It's doubtless going to be dirty and dusty once you dig in, sigh.

Agreeing with the others NOT to have your mother around for this. It's horribly stressful for them, so have someone take her some place nice and give her a nice day. Go get a pedicure, watch a movie, eat lunch, whatever.

Some assisted living can handle dementia and alzheimers and some can't. Where my loved one is, they don't take dementia and they don't take anyone requiring nursing care. Because moving is stressful and your mom's needs are increasing, you'll definitely want to think strategically. Does your mom have furnishings to move into the assisted living? My loved one needed basic living room furniture. We did a pre-assessment of his belongings then took 2 days to go buy what we needed, make a plan, and return to do the move. We brought the furniture in the trailer and hauled out trash with the trailer.

I hope your move goes well! My loved one's health improved noticeably over the course of a year after moving. Even basics like having good, stable meals were helpful. He began to engage with the social more. Hopefully your mother will do well as well.

 

I don't qualify for FMLA until I have worked here for 12 months and this move will definitely be before then.  I also don't think it qualifies since I am not "caring for" my mother, just moving her and managing her affairs.

My mom will not be around for it.  I would move her and the things she wants into her new place then tackle the old place.  She does have the furniture necessary for the move.

I triple checked that where she is going has memory care and skilled nursing options.  That is good advice to anyone else in this situation.

[skimomma]

28 minutes ago, PeterPan said:

Yeah, don't use her friends. Do you have nieces and nephews? My teen niece went with us and she was stellar. If you take a hotel room with 2 queens and a sleeper sofa, you can probably fit 4-5 people. That might knock out all the rooms in her townhouse in one day. You'll be too tired to drive back. We only had a 3 hour drive, so we did it with one hotel night. Sounds like you'll need 2 with a full team. And find someone to occupy your mother. That's really going to take the right person. Or she'll already be checked into the new place? Can she check herself out easily? That's super super awkward. Do they have a social worker you can talk with at the facility? Talk with them. They've done this before and might have suggestions. 

 

I have been grasping at any help I might be able to get.  There is no family.  I do have nieces and nephews but they are all under the age of five......so probably not too helpful.  I have resorted to soliciting considerations of help from my own personal college friends and my ILs relatives who happen to live in the area.  A few have agreed to help if they can but given the potential for an unpredictable timeline, I prefer to use some sort of all-inclusive hired help.  I have learned throughout this whole process that everything I think I have a handle on becomes 100 times more complicated once I actually go to do it and I assume moving my mom will be the same.  I might think I have 2 extra days to shovel out and clean the house but chances are good, the other affairs I will be managing will eat up far more time than I anticipate.  I do not want to put myself in the position of choosing to lose my job or leave the apartment in a condition that will incur fines and/or jeopardize my mom's new living situation.  Thus, the advanced research on outsourcing options.

There is a social worker (several, actually) and we have been talking.  I am following their basic recommendation to get mom and the things she wants moved first, then clean up the rest.  My mom is actually on board and I don't think she will care about the remaining belongings once she is settled with the things she chooses to take in her new place.  She is overwhelmed by taking care of her stuff and it is stressing her out.  I told her to just worry about what she wants to keep, give to specific people, or even sell (with my assistance) and I will take care of the rest.  This calms her down.  But I have to repeat it in every phone call as she does not remember and gets all worried again about having to deal with all this stuff.

[G5052]

I had an uncle who was a hoarder, and we had only a week to clean out his house.

Thankfully the estate lawyer and the realtor both had names of clean-out companies, and we were able to get one lined up pretty quickly. It actually took them longer than expected, but they did a great job.

It can be done!

[skimomma]

2 hours ago, happi duck said:

.

If you don't want to have a sale, you can also google phrases like: estate clear out, home clear out etc.  They should sell, recycle, and donate.  They should give you an estimate for the clear out taking into account what they can sell.

 

 

 

These are the search words I needed!  I am now finding some options in the area.  Thank you!

[displace]

Is there a reason she will go to assisted living so far away from you?  Most families I know with elderly parents relocate the parent to the person who is helping.  The needs she has will only increase.   

[skimomma]

9 minutes ago, displace said:

Is there a reason she will go to assisted living so far away from you?  Most families I know with elderly parents relocate the parent to the person who is helping.  The needs she has will only increase.   

 

I would (in theory) prefer she moved to a facility near me.  However, there are very good reasons for her to stay where she it.  The primary reason is that she does not want to move here.  That alone is reason enough.  She has friends in the system there.  It is a continuous care situation that the townhouse in which she currently resides is part of.  This also has financial implications in two different ways.  First, she put down a large down payment to get into the system that feeds into assisted living.  She loses a significant percentage if she leave that system.  It is also a non-profit with an endowment that allows people to stay once they run out of money (after a minimum amount of time in the system).  She will need to make use of this if she lives long enough, which we have no reason to believe she will not.  A move to my location means having to rely on medicaid when that time comes and the facilities that deal with medicaid in my area are not pretty.  I am in a geographically isolated area so I was able to make contact with all of the facilities that have memory care units within a two hour radius (which is only two).  They both have long waitings lists, do not have medicaid beds, and are more expensive than the system she is in.  In her system, she gets priority placement and they have not had a waiting list for priority placements over the last few years, giving me confidence that my mom will be able to get in when she needs to and transfer to memory care or skilled nursing when she needs to.  Another big issue is that the medical care in my area is awful.  Just awful.  People here travel 4+ hours if they have anything beyond a broken bone.  

I have been on the phone with the social workers at her system and they have assured me that they have many residents with no family at all or family that is far away, like me.  This is sticky situation because I am not very close with my mother and never have been.  I love her and she loves me, but her home town/climate, friends, and church are where she wants to be rather than near me.  I want to honor her wishes if I can.

However, having not done this before, I am wondering what, aside from visiting, should be on my radar specifically to being far away?  I already talk to her doctors and social workers on a regular basis via phone.  I am handling her financial affairs and have access to her financial planner and attorney, again via phone and internet.  The social workers tell me that they handle internal moves, transportation to medical appointments, outings, and shopping, and have everything from a salon to dentists in-house.  I have discussed with my mom (not that she remembers from one time to the next) what it means to be so far away from all family that is currently in the dual-career, child-raising mode of our lives.  She knows we will not be able to physically be there very often.  But as I said earlier, everything I think I know usually turns out to be wrong and/or more complicated than I thought.....so I could be missing some big issues here.

[catz]

When my grandmother died my mom hired an estate sale and they took care of EVERYTHING.  From sorting out stuff they thought she might want to pricing and run a sale for several days and donating and disposing of anything left at the end.  And the proceeds of the sale covered it.  I think my mom got like $200 back when they were done.  They may have had to make a deposit to get them rolling?  But that was a great way to go.  My mom didn't live anywhere near that house and was doing a lot remotely.  Even if she would have had to pay something it would have been worth it to her.

It makes perfect sense why your mom needs to stay put and that was obviously a decision she  made earlier in sound mind  You're a good daughter.  You can only do what you can do.  

 

ETA - I'd also see if your mom has the budget to hire a very basic mover if that would helpful.   Or even just hiring a couple handymen to be on call for a couple hours and rent a uhaul.  

Edited September 27, 2018 by FuzzyCatz

[happi duck]

The estate sale lady I worked with has done hoards and also in one of my contracts with her finished in five days.  Don't hesitate to ask.

Also could you pay packers and movers to get it to a storage unit and go through it later?

There really is no easy and inexpensive answer.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

[Storygirl]

I'm sorry. It sounds like a tricky situation, but it's also good that she can move to assisted living within the same place where she lives now.

Do you have any friends in your location that would travel with you to help? Or who would watch your children, so that your husband could go with you (assuming you have young children and a spouse)? Even if you have to pay them?

Is the social worker you have talked to at the hospital? Can you also ask at her place of residence? Since they move residents from one area of the facility to another, this kind of situation must have come up before, and they may be able to recommend some estate sales companies.

[skimomma]

43 minutes ago, FuzzyCatz said:

 

It makes perfect sense why your mom needs to stay put and that was obviously a decision she  made earlier in sound mind   

 

 

She did set much up ahead of time that I am just now learning about.  Even though there are a lot of things she didn't think of that I have had to figure out, I am so very glad about the things she did set up because I would not have known this is what she wants now.  She is not very coherent or consistent now so I never know when we discuss things if I am getting her true wishes.  She is consistent about her desire to stay where she is but until I learned that she arranged for her future housing, I did not think it was even possible for her to stay there.  I was afraid we were looking at some very bleak options.  

[skimomma]

31 minutes ago, Storygirl said:

I'm sorry. It sounds like a tricky situation, but it's also good that she can move to assisted living within the same place where she lives now.

Do you have any friends in your location that would travel with you to help? Or who would watch your children, so that your husband could go with you (assuming you have young children and a spouse)? Even if you have to pay them?

Is the social worker you have talked to at the hospital? Can you also ask at her place of residence? Since they move residents from one area of the facility to another, this kind of situation must have come up before, and they may be able to recommend some estate sales companies.

 

I have talked to social workers everywhere!  The hospital social worker was the first one.  My mom was on vacation when she was hospitalized so things were quite tricky.  The social worker was so very helpful.  I soon learned that they are everywhere and to ask for one whenever I can.  Her primary care physician has one as does her neurologist group and the retirement community (which includes her current place and the assisted living she will transition to).  I have a running list of questions and several surround transitions within the community and what, if any, supports they might have for the move we are looking at now.  They did tell me they assist with moves within assisted living but I am pretty sure that is not the case from independent to assisted.  At they very least they may, as you say, have suggestions.

Luckily my only child is a teen and more than willing to help.  As is my dh.  Assuming they are available when this all goes down.  I am hoping this will be a planned move but if mom lands in the hospital again, we may have to transition her with no warning.  Sadly, part of the calculus is biding our time until it is not winter AND I can accrue enough vacation time to be gone long enough to get the job done.  Seriously bad timing.....

[Storygirl]

My dad is considering a move into independent living at a continuous care facility. My mom lives there already, in skilled nursing, and has for many years. Their particular place will move residents once from any part of the facility to any other part for no additional cost. Each move thereafter has a fee.

I hope you will find that your mom's facility can do more than you think. I wouldn't expect them to sort out the junk from the good possessions, but perhaps they will move the furniture and boxes, once you know what she will be taking with her.

I know all places have their own rules, but ours does have some parts of moving included as a built-in service. They also had the name of a service they recommend, if my dad wanted someone to help him clean out his current home (unaffiliated with their facility).

So I hope there are some things that they can do that you may not be aware of yet. I know you have a daunting job ahead of you, so I'm glad you have some family members who are willing to help. When my parents first downsized, and then when my mom went into nursing care, my sister and I did a lot to help them clean out Mom's overwhelming possessions, and it was a big job, even though we didn't have to go through everything, since my dad was staying in place.

Now that Dad is eyeing a move at age 83, I'm sure we will help again, but he has been sorting through many things himself over the past years, thank goodness.

It's all hard. I'm sorry.

[SebastianCat]

I will echo the recommendation to call an estate sale company.   They will either be able to handle everything (even the short timeline) or they will be able to refer you to a clean-out company who can.   They usually hold an estate sale and their fee is a percentage of the sales.   

The company that did the estate sale for my IL's made sure everything was clean, in working order, and legal (like throwing away 15-year-old baby supplies stored in the attic from long-since-grown grandbabies).   They also arranged for a dumpster and threw away everything that wasn't sell-able, and hauled a load of stuff that didn't sell to Goodwill after the sale.