If you once homeschooled but have put your children in school, please talk to me

[Kidlit]

My dd14 went to public high school this year for the first time ever as a freshman.  This was a difficult-to-make but mutually-made decision.  She is doing very well academically but says things about learning that make me sad (i. e. she has learned very quickly how to play the school game), and I fear that her three 100+ averages (yes, 3 out of 4 classes) mean not that she really gets the material but that she’s good at school.  Both my dh and I were good at school, so I’m not surprised, but still—I had high hopes that she’d be challenged.  So far I can’t say that she has been, and yet she’s enrolled in one of the best schools (some would say THE best) in our area and one of the better ones in our state.  

Despite my angst over her being in school, it has been good in several important ways.  She no longer answers to me for her school work, and that has helped our relationship.  I think she can look back now with appreciation (a little bit) on the past nine years.  She seems happier in some regards because she’s busier; it was very hard for me to keep her social well full. 

I feel like I’m at a crossroads that has partly been brought on by this foray by my dd into ps, partly by my own return to work as an adjunct community college instructor, and partly by a possible midlife crisis. ?. My youngest child is five, so we’re in the thick of phonics and counting.  Above him I have an 8 yo boy and a 12 yo girl, in addition to my ps-er.  I’m feeling torn.  I need to make money, and I need to feel more secure about our future.  It’s not insecure—my dh has a good job with benefits, etc.  HOWEVER—life with four kids is expensive.  We’re looking at braces  for three kids in the future, cars and insurance, college, etch I also feel the clock ticking (I’m 44) and like to think I can still do something that contributes to our financial future.  Teaching part time at the CC is a lot of work for me (I teach English, so I grade a lot of essays).  It’s very hard for me to feel like I am doing a good job on all fronts.   (Not to mention the fact that I’m TIRED.)  I also volunteer to teach three classes at our weekly co op.

I believe in homeschooling.  I love it, I love being with my children, and I love how much it has meant to our family for a decade. 

But.

At what point (financial, emotional, personal, whatever) did you decide to pull the plug and do something else?  How did you decide? 

 

 

Edited September 17, 2018 by hopeistheword
Incorrect thread title

[Terabith]

We didn't send my kids to school for financial reasons, but we did for relational reasons.  Homeschooling was absolutely the right thing to do when we did it, and I'm so grateful that we did.  However, as my kids got older, while their academic needs were definitely met better at home than at school, it became increasingly difficult to meet their social needs.  My older daughter especially needed friends, and as they got older, friendships weren't just defined as "someone approximately the same age with whom I could play."  They needed time spent with peers to choose who they would be friends with and to cement those friendships.  Additionally, homeschooling was damaging my relationship with my kids.  They needed me to be mom and not teacher.  A side benefit of sending them to school was they learned some soft organizational and executive functioning/ study skills more efficiently than at home.  

I'm glad I homeschooled.  I'm very grateful for the Catholic school that I sent my kids to and for what it gave them.  It just no longer felt right for us, and we needed to make a change.  

[Kidlit]

Thanks for your response, @Arctic Mama. Our stress isn’t exactly about our current financial situation.  It’s more like it’s preemptive stress over what we see coming.  I guess in my heart I’m wondering how to decide if homeschooling when we have other decent options makes the most sense for our family financially for the long haul. 

[Kidlit]

Just now, Terabith said:

We didn't send my kids to school for financial reasons, but we did for relational reasons.  Homeschooling was absolutely the right thing to do when we did it, and I'm so grateful that we did.  However, as my kids got older, while their academic needs were definitely met better at home than at school, it became increasingly difficult to meet their social needs.  My older daughter especially needed friends, and as they got older, friendships weren't just defined as "someone approximately the same age with whom I could play."  They needed time spent with peers to choose who they would be friends with and to cement those friendships.  Additionally, homeschooling was damaging my relationship with my kids.  They needed me to be mom and not teacher.  A side benefit of sending them to school was they learned some soft organizational and executive functioning/ study skills more efficiently than at home.  

I'm glad I homeschooled.  I'm very grateful for the Catholic school that I sent my kids to and for what it gave them.  It just no longer felt right for us, and we needed to make a change.  

Thank you, @Terabith.  I definitely started to feel that pushback from my eldest and that was a big part of our deciding to send her.  She had a somewhat rocky start in ps but has now semi-adjusted.  Her younger sister (12 yo) is an entirely different personality, and I can see that she might never choose to go to school.  However, I still have to carefully weigh the pros and cons of me not being able to bring in some kind of income for our future needs. 

[Terabith]

My kids have very different personalities, and honestly, my second one would probably have preferred to have continued to homeschool.  However, she has some special needs, including sorta maybe on the ASD spectrum, and she needed the experience of other teachers and to have more practice with a community of peers.  Even though she didn't choose it, she needed it, and it was good for her.  I have to say, that while we didn't stop homeschooling for financial reasons, it was a very welcome relief.  

[Kidlit]

@Terabith my 12 yo has severe anxiety and ocd, and that’s always in the back of my mind—how would school be for her?  That’s another complication.  Sigh.

[Happy2BaMom]

Not sure how relevant my situation is to yours, but I'll throw in my two cents. 

I homeschooled ds through 8th grade (dd, currently 7th grade, still is hsed). He entered 9th grade last year as a pre-IB student at the local ps. It's actually gone really, really well. Not that it hasn't been without some drawbacks, but the pros far outway the cons, for the reasons both you & Terabith discussed. I could no longer meet the needs of my ds either academically or socially. That became really, really clear in 8th grade. It was straining our relationship. The local hs high-school peer group was, to put it delicately, deemed completely inadequate by all of us (ds, me, dh).  And, with that last point, I guess I would say - to perhaps help with your angst over the ps - ..what are the real alternatives to her attending ps? Do you have a group or groups of highly-motivated hsed peers who seek to be academically challenged by delving deeply into subjects and who hold to a strong academic work ethic? Cuz if you don't, you don't really have an option that provides anything different than what you fear she is (not) getting out of high school. Because it sounds like ps is basically working without any major drawbacks, other than your concern that she is learning "the school game" as opposed to deeply understanding the material. Which could be the case, but...does your dd feel that way, too? And is she interested in changing the situation as well? If not, then it sounds like this is your problem, and not hers. (note: I'm not trying to be snarky with that comment, just trying to discern whether she also shares your feelings/concerns.)

Edited September 17, 2018 by Happy2BaMom

[Kidlit]

@Happy2BaMom 

Have you been talking to my dh? ?. You’re exactly right.  One of the reasons we put her in school is because we don’t have any alternative either in our homeschooling community or even another school.  I AM hopeful that some of the feeling that she’s just learning to play the game will improve or disappear altogether as she gets into harder classes. 

Most days she doesn’t feel the way I do.  It’s my problem. 

[Terabith]

For what it's worth....my 13 year old's main diagnosis is severe anxiety.  She also has some learning disabilities and early on, a public school psychologist told us never to put her in public school.  

She would have been eaten alive in school when she was little.  

BUT, she went into a small, nurturing Catholic school, after she had become an above average reader.  She didn't love school, but it has been really good for her.  She admits that she does better with the highly structured environment and routine of school.  It has been good for her social skills.  And when we were homeschooling, neither of my kids realized that other kids ever struggled to learn anything.  They really thought I was uniquely torturing them by forcing them to learn things.  It was a huge relief to each of them when they realized that other kids didn't already know everything presented.  They also benefitted from not always being "on the spot," and being able to just soak up what was going on sometimes rather than feeling like they were the only ones to answer all questions.  

She started public school this year, and so far it's going well.  So just want to be encouraging....there are pluses and minuses to every educational environment, but just because she struggles with anxiety does not mean that she's necessarily going to fall apart in brick and mortar school.  

[Kidlit]

@Terabith THANK YOU for that encouragement 

[Kidlit]

2 minutes ago, heartlikealion said:

We take things one year at a time. I think you need to scale back the volunteer gig. Are your other kids using the co-op? 

We are thinking of saving up to send dd to K4 next year. I would possibly homeschool ds. He is trying public school right now. I'm relieved on the one hand, but concerned on the other. He tried a private school two years ago. I just haven't seen brick & mortar school being a great fit for him. He feels rushed and doesn't always gather the information. Your dd seems fine!! If you are worried about her being challenged, I think that's a question to ask rather than judge by grades. 

If you think homeschooling and working is too much, yes, I would think it's understandable to let something give. But first I'd drop the volunteer thing (or scale back) because you're not getting paid and it sounds like it's a huge time/energy suck at this season of your life. 

Yes, the volunteering is too much.  I enjoy teaching a lot, but this year I just bit off more than I can chew.  My children are in the co-op, so it mostly does benefit them.  Thanks for your insight! @heartlikealion

[MEmama]

It was a pretty easy decision for us, but with just one kid my situation looks very different from yours. DS had always figured he might want to go to public high school (he wanted to be homeschooled until then--it's always been his choice), so mentally we were prepared when the time came. My only year of questioning was grade 8; I was really torn whether I should have put him in for a transition year before "it counts", but despite my angst starting in grade 9 worked out perfectly. 

Going to the high school was a very, very easy transition for him (DH and I were keenly aware it was more difficult on us--in particular the time issue). He had played sports for the middle school so he went in with a built in social group, and very quickly found his tribe in his Honors classes. It helps--it's essential for him--that our high school offers very rigorous classes, keeping him happy and engaged. We chose this particular town 7 years ago with that eventual decision in mind.

I actually love not being responsible for his high school education. His teachers are all specialists in their fields and can offer him so much more than I can, even with the aid of online courses. A bonus is that I can now work part time, helping relieve not financial stress but my own concerns about what it meant to be out of the workforce for 15 years. I'm learning new transferable skills and am getting current with a modern workplace. I have to say, it feels really, really good and I've gained a ton of confidence. 

I am also keenly aware that we'll be empty nesters in 3 years, and I'm relishing the opportunity to learn how to approach that new reality. Letting go in baby steps is healthy for both DS and for me, and in a weird way I actually like this new role of public school mom (it's fun to make lunches, sign paperwork and check homework! Lol). 

I feel so fortunate to have been able to homeschool for 8 years, but a big part of what made it work was knowing what was right for our family. What that looks like is different for everyone, and it changes in different seasons. I hope you can embrace the season you are in; intentional decisions are never wrong. 

[bethben]

I put my last two in school this year after homeschooling for 13 years.  My dd was a relationship issue.  She’s a very intense person and I needed a separation between school and being a mom.  With my Ds, he needed to be challenged more and get out of the cozy bubble he was creating for himself.  I also lost the desire to homeschool and the desire to keep pushing my Ds to do more than the minimum.  It was also exhasberated by having to fully take care of my disabled son.  

I’m happy I did this. My kids are in an excellent classical charter school where they’re learning things I consider important to an education.  I’m not sure I would have been as peaceful if the school wasn’t so good.  There is a learning curve with Ds, but I’m ok with it.

[Xahm]

There's a chance the level of difficulty at school well improve. I went to a great high school where I was fully challenged tenth through twelfth grades. Ninth was a little strange though, as some students were failing while I cruised along with over 100 in multiple classes. At the time I couldn't understand why things were easier for me than others, but I think we were supposed to be learning what could be referred to as "the school game" or could be seen as executive function type skills: reading the syllabus, planning ahead for projects and tests, going to teachers with problems, etc. If this school is similar, maybe your daughter's great grades are due to her already understanding those things.

[sassenach]

I can’t help you with your big questions, but a little reassurance about the freshman- IME, freshman year is significantly easier than those that follow it. My kids, who universally sailed through 9th grade, have been adequately challenged in 10-12 grade. My current 9th grader (the most academic of my kids) is also participating in things like mock trial. 

[Ravin]

We originally planned to pull the plug on homeschooling when DD 14 started 6th grade. I was in law school and stretched pretty thin even going less than full time. That first year of brick and mortar was a disaster, and an online charter was worse, so we went back to homeschooling for the rest of junior high, and gave her an extra year. DS started K in public school and has done well, he's in 2nd now. He's definitely learning, though the pace is slow for him he doesn't mind. DD started public high school this year also, and with a solid I.E.P. in place is doing pretty well so far, except for the increase in stomach problems that's probably due to anxiety and some head-butting with her dance teacher, who doesn't seem to grok that P.E. (beginning dance is a P.E. class at this school) can do accommodations so keeps threatening to drop her from the class despite her participating as best as she can and her documented physical impairment for fibromyalgia.

Really, what's best for you and your family may change from one season to another, and there's nothing wrong with that.

[Pen]

My Ds is in school now (went to ps in 8th now is in 10th) because he needed more social time with peers, needed some more course outsourcing than we were able to do here aside from ps, and because homeschooling him was hurting our boy teen- mom  relationship. 

I suggest talking each child and his her situation as a separate decision. For example if your dd12 would most like to continue to homeschool, she might be able to do much of her work in a library at the cc while you are teaching.  Others could be in ps if it suits them and you.

It need not be a permanent decision. You all could try out a new arrangement and see how it goes. 

[LucyStoner]

My older son was homeschooled from 2-8th grade.  He’s in 10th grade now.  Provided he’s productive and reasonably happy, I am of the bent that he’s 15 and so long ad 

[Kidlit]

3 hours ago, MEmama said:

 

I feel so fortunate to have been able to homeschool for 8 years, but a big part of what made it work was knowing what was right for our family. What that looks like is different for everyone, and it changes in different seasons. I hope you can embrace the season you are in; intentional decisions are never wrong. 

Thank you for sharing your experience.  It is very encouraging!  And especially thank you for the bolded sentence.  I’m going to hang my hat on that one. 

[Kidlit]

2 hours ago, bethben said:

I put my last two in school this year after homeschooling for 13 years.  My dd was a relationship issue.  She’s a very intense person and I needed a separation between school and being a mom.  With my Ds, he needed to be challenged more and get out of the cozy bubble he was creating for himself.  I also lost the desire to homeschool and the desire to keep pushing my Ds to do more than the minimum.  It was also exhasberated by having to fully take care of my disabled son.  

I’m happy I did this. My kids are in an excellent classical charter school where they’re learning things I consider important to an education.  I’m not sure I would have been as peaceful if the school wasn’t so good.  There is a learning curve with Ds, but I’m ok with it.

Thank you for sharing your experience.  I find it comforting to know others have faced similar circumstances with positive results.

[Kidlit]

2 hours ago, xahm said:

There's a chance the level of difficulty at school well improve. I went to a great high school where I was fully challenged tenth through twelfth grades. Ninth was a little strange though, as some students were failing while I cruised along with over 100 in multiple classes. At the time I couldn't understand why things were easier for me than others, but I think we were supposed to be learning what could be referred to as "the school game" or could be seen as executive function type skills: reading the syllabus, planning ahead for projects and tests, going to teachers with problems, etc. If this school is similar, maybe your daughter's great grades are due to her already understanding those things.

Yes, I do think the challenge will increase next year and possibly even next semester.  Thank you for sharing your experience!

[Kidlit]

2 hours ago, sassenach said:

I can’t help you with your big questions, but a little reassurance about the freshman- IME, freshman year is significantly easier than those that follow it. My kids, who universally sailed through 9th grade, have been adequately challenged in 10-12 grade. My current 9th grader (the most academic of my kids) is also participating in things like mock trial. 

We are requiring dd to participate in at least one academic team activity; that’s one of the big reasons we sent her.  She also plans to try out for the tennis team next month.  I am hopeful that once she is able to take AP classes, she will find her niche.

[Kidlit]

1 hour ago, Ravin said:

We originally planned to pull the plug on homeschooling when DD 14 started 6th grade. I was in law school and stretched pretty thin even going less than full time. That first year of brick and mortar was a disaster, and an online charter was worse, so we went back to homeschooling for the rest of junior high, and gave her an extra year. DS started K in public school and has done well, he's in 2nd now. He's definitely learning, though the pace is slow for him he doesn't mind. DD started public high school this year also, and with a solid I.E.P. in place is doing pretty well so far, except for the increase in stomach problems that's probably due to anxiety and some head-butting with her dance teacher, who doesn't seem to grok that P.E. (beginning dance is a P.E. class at this school) can do accommodations so keeps threatening to drop her from the class despite her participating as best as she can and her documented physical impairment for fibromyalgia.

Really, what's best for you and your family may change from one season to another, and there's nothing wrong with that.

I think I’ll have this tattooed on my forearm so I can read it over and over as needed.

Thank you for sharing your family’s experience. 

[Kidlit]

1 hour ago, Pen said:

My Ds is in school now (went to ps in 8th now is in 10th) because he needed more social time with peers, needed some more course outsourcing than we were able to do here aside from ps, and because homeschooling him was hurting our boy teen- mom  relationship. 

I suggest talking each child and his her situation as a separate decision. For example if your dd12 would most like to continue to homeschool, she might be able to do much of her work in a library at the cc while you are teaching.  Others could be in ps if it suits them and you.

It need not be a permanent decision. You all could try out a new arrangement and see how it goes. 

You’ve brought up a great point about my second dd.  I can see this as a situation that would work for her.  

It’s my little boys that I feel the most angst over, really.  I feel a little guilty that my girls had so much time with me homeschooling and they might not.

thank you for the encouragement!

[Kidlit]

56 minutes ago, LucyStoner said:

My older son was homeschooled from 2-8th grade.  He’s in 10th grade now.  Provided he’s productive and reasonably happy, I am of the bent that he’s 15 and so long ad 

Yes!  

Thanks for that affirmation!

[LucyStoner]

1 hour ago, LucyStoner said:

My older son was homeschooled from 2-8th grade.  He’s in 10th grade now.  Provided he’s productive and reasonably happy, I am of the bent that he’s 15 and so long ad 

 

Quoting myself to finish my post.  I got distracted by that whole mom gig...cooking dinner, parenting, making sure nothing is growing in the coffee maker. 

 My older son was homeschooled from 2-8th grade.  He’s in 10th grade now.  Provided he’s productive and reasonably happy, I am of the bent that he’s 15 and so long as there's not a reason to supersede his judgment, it's his decision where he goes to school.  The transition to high school was challenging in ways and there are things he and I miss about homeschooling for sure.  The decision wasn't made because of burnout or other considerations, just that he had a goal from the time he was about 11 to attend a very select magnet type program that is a perfect interest match for him and he was fortunate enough to get in, so he went.  

As my signature indicates, I am still homeschooling my 4th grader.  We take his feelings into account about what to do for school but as he's 9, we feel it is still very much a parent-led decision.  

With my older son in school though, I have had more time for self-employment and I can't say the money isn't REALLY WELCOME, especially with college looming and having been single income in a HCOL area for 5-6 years.  I ramped up the self-employment due to necessity in the spring.  The necessity being my husband lost his job but I have kept up a higher number of hours now that he is back to work FT since August 1st.