S/O Not Leaving During Performances

[rainbowmama]

After reading the choir thread, it made me rethink my plan of just popping in for the parts where my kids perform for their upcoming recital.

 

I have a young infant who doesn't take a bottle and a young, antsy preschooler. The preschooler and his older brother have a group recital. The preschooler has only had lessons on his instrument for a couple of months, and the school expects me to get on stage to help him. I practice with the children every day and played the instrument for years: their father has hearing loss and does not feel confident helping him. The preschooler really anticipates his first recital. The school impresses upon us that we should stay for the whole recital, which is scheduled to last two hours. These performances always go longer than planned: one of the recitals ran almost 1.5 hours longer than scheduled. The children are expected to be quiet and still, even baby babbling is not permitted. My baby cannot do this at all, and my preschooler certainly can't do this for 2+ hours. If you were me, how would you handle the recital?

Edited November 15, 2017 by rainbowmama

[Ailaena]

 

I would leave when my kids became a distraction from the performance. I promise, nobody expects you to stay anywhere for two hours when you have a baby.

 

Well, nobody rational...

[Junie]

I would hand the responsibility of the baby over to Dad.  You can nurse the baby right before the concert and perhaps during intermission or right before/after your boys are ready to perform.

[BarbecueMom]

Personally, I would have waited until the next recital and skipped this one. DS8 started violin in August and is not performing in the winter recital. It is optional, it was brought up through email, and he doesn't even know it exists right now.

 

Between being new to the instrument and the baby and sitting for 2+ hours, I'd wait until there's not so much stress surrounding the event for a first performance.

 

I started recitals very young (age 4) and have a music degree. And still have crippling performance anxiety.

Edited November 15, 2017 by BarbecueMom

[rainbowmama]

Personally, I would have waited until the next recital and skipped this one. DS8 started violin in August and is not performing in the winter recital. It is optional, it was brought up through email, and he doesn't even know it exists right now.

 

Between being new to the instrument and the baby and sitting for 2+ hours, I'd wait until there's not so much stress surrounding the event for a first performance.

 

I started recitals very young (age 4) and have a music degree. And still have crippling performance anxiety.

 

Both kids take group lessons, where they talk about and prepare for it at the group class. There's no way they wouldn't have known about it unless I skipped lessons for most of October and November.

[JennyD]

Ugh.  Like the pp said, I'd plan on sitting in the back and just leaving when necessary.  

 

I'd also mention the issue to the kids' teacher.  The program should really rethink how they are doing recitals.  Recitals for young kids shouldn't be that long anyway, and any program that regularly goes over time by an hour and a half (!) needs an overhaul.

 

My kids have been doing Suzuki cello for years and their recitals never exceed 50 min.  

[SparklyUnicorn]

Your reasons for doing this are 100% legit IMO.

 

I generally think it is rude, but there are exceptions and I believe this is a very good one.

 

 

[rainbowmama]

Ugh.  Like the pp said, I'd plan on sitting in the back and just leaving when necessary.  

 

I'd also mention the issue to the kids' teacher.  The program should really rethink how they are doing recitals.  Recitals for young kids shouldn't be that long anyway, and any program that regularly goes over time by an hour and a half (!) needs an overhaul.

 

My kids have been doing Suzuki cello for years and their recitals never exceed 50 min.  

 

This year they cut a portion moving the planned time from 2.5 hours to 2 hours, probably in response to parental complaints of how very long the recitals are. They put the most advanced students first most years: I think the idea is to have us preview the repertoire and have the kids see what they are working towards. It's just very hard for families with young children. My kids' teacher agrees with me that it's too long, but the director is the one who organizes the performances.

Edited November 15, 2017 by rainbowmama

[Penelope]

To those who have babies and preschoolers with limits to being quiet and still, the request to stay for the whole performance does not apply.

[regentrude]

I would get somebody to watch the baby.

And if the preschooler cannot last through the recital, I would quietly leave.

Our community choral society provides a free nursery during concerts, so that parents can enjoy the concerts and the audience and performers are not disturbed by little children who behave age appropriately. You could suggest this to your organization.

 

PSA: please, please, please do not hand your unhappy baby a rattle during a concert. Yes, that happened.

 

Edited November 15, 2017 by regentrude

[poppy]

Totally valid exception.  Better to leave the baby with someone else, but that's not always an option.

[MinivanMom]

When we had little ones with music performances and babies tossed into the mix, we always left the baby at home. When our kids were very small, we couldn't afford a babysitter so that meant that either my husband or I would stay at home. If it was a nursing baby, I usually stayed at home. If it was an older baby or toddler, then dh would stay at home. This helped us to naturally alternate turns. The parent staying always recorded the performance as long as it wasn't a professional venue with rules against making recordings. Nowadays, we would just hire a babysitter.

 

I do not take babies (under age 3 or 4 - depending on the child) to musical performances. I just don't. Not even a student performance where my own youngish child is performing.

 

In your situation, I would have dh stay home with the baby. If the preschooler gets restless after her own turn performing, I would quietly exit the room between performances (hopefully when applause will muffle your exit). Then I would listen to the remainder of the performance from the lobby. 

[Ailaena]

I do not take babies (under age 3 or 4 - depending on the child) to musical performances. I just don't. Not even a student performance where my own youngish child is performing.

 

 

 

I was always in this camp but the library near us has (free!) short concerts once a month specifically intended for kids under 2 or under 5. They want to encourage kids to hear the music and learn the etiquette in an environment where they can make the occasional noise and nobody yells at them.

 

I know that has the potential to backfire, but the kids at the concerts we have been to have been really well behaved (for kids under 5). Maybe it's a learn from your peers thing, idk, but I wish more kids had the opportunity to learn social stuff like this in a safe environment.

[Word Nerd]

I’d absolutely leave the performance as soon as you can do so. The less time babies and preschoolers have to spend in environments that aren’t suited to them, the better.

[Word Nerd]

When we had little ones with music performances and babies tossed into the mix, we always left the baby at home. When our kids were very small, we couldn't afford a babysitter so that meant that either my husband or I would stay at home. If it was a nursing baby, I usually stayed at home. If it was an older baby or toddler, then dh would stay at home. This helped us to naturally alternate turns. The parent staying always recorded the performance as long as it wasn't a professional venue with rules against making recordings. Nowadays, we would just hire a babysitter.

 

I do not take babies (under age 3 or 4 - depending on the child) to musical performances. I just don't. Not even a student performance where my own youngish child is performing.

 

In your situation, I would have dh stay home with the baby. If the preschooler gets restless after her own turn performing, I would quietly exit the room between performances (hopefully when applause will muffle your exit). Then I would listen to the remainder of the performance from the lobby.

I wish the parents whose toddler shrieked through several of DD’s and other students’ lines during our school musical would have left him at home with someone. They never even took him out of the auditorium, even as he became progressively more upset.

[Guest]

Dad hangs out in the back of the room near an exit with the baby and whisks out the door at the first sign of fussiness/noisiness.

[justasque]

After reading the choir thread, it made me rethink my plan of just popping in for the parts where my kids perform for their upcoming recital.

 

I have a young infant who doesn't take a bottle and a young, antsy preschooler. The preschooler and his older brother have a group recital. The preschooler has only had lessons on his instrument for a couple of months, and the school expects me to get on stage to help him. I practice with the children every day and played the instrument for years: their father has hearing loss and does not feel confident helping him. The preschooler really anticipates his first recital. The school impresses upon us that we should stay for the whole recital, which is scheduled to last two hours. These performances always go longer than planned: one of the recitals ran almost 1.5 hours longer than scheduled. The children are expected to be quiet and still, even baby babbling is not permitted. My baby cannot do this at all, and my preschooler certainly can't do this for 2+ hours. If you were me, how would you handle the recital?

 

WHAT I WOULD DO - (offered as one data point - take what might work for you and leave the rest).  I would go to the recital as a family.  If baby isn't happy sitting quietly, dad can take him out to the lobby and let him run around a bit.  The same goes for any of your other children; perhaps dad can have a bag of sensible snacks if hunger is likely to be an issue.  I would sit towards the back of the auditorium, on the aisle, to facilitate comings and goings.  I would be sure to leave ONLY between performers, so as not to be disruptive.   If baby gets hungry, I would nurse the baby, either in the auditorium (if it can be done quietly), or in the lobby (if baby is likely to be distracted or otherwise uncooperative in the auditorium).  Perhaps there is a quiet corner somewhere with a chair?  I would need some way to keep track of where they are in the program when dh or I were in the lobby. Some places have a TV monitor in the lobby; if not, I would see if the inside parent can text the outside parent, when there were about two numbers before the parent would need to be inside.  

Now, all that said, I think there are changes that could be made to the program to make it easier and more pleasant for all involved.  Our dance studio usually opens with a great number from the next-to-oldest group, then we get some tiny tots, then some in the middle, continuing the blend until intermission with the idea of putting the very youngest in the first act, interspersed with some of the better performances so as not to torture the audience overly much.  (The littles are usually cute, the olders are great, but in the middle, well, if it's not your kid performing...)  After an hour there is an intermission, and families of littles are welcome to leave if they wish, or stay to see the rest of the show.  Because the performances are mixed up in terms of age and ability, the littles' families have seen a decent (if short) selection of the general progression of the students, usually ending with a great number from the olders right before intermission.  After intermission, they resume the mix, wrapping it up with a good finish at the end.  In this way the show, while mixed, gets gradually better (in terms of the ability of the performers), and you get a good idea of the range of accomplishment even if you only stay for the first half.  The school also moved from one performance to two when the number of students increased, with each of the littles' groups performing in only one of them, and the top couple of levels repeating their performance in both shows.

 

Regardless, I think you should bring your concerns to the attention of the school, so that they can be aware of the issues involved, help you brainstorm a solution for your family, and be understanding if and when you don't sit through the entire show.

 

As a final, gentle thought - again, take what you like and leave the rest (and I may be making incorrect assumptions here based on the limited info in your OP).  Babies need to eat on a regular basis.  Small human babies generally get their food from their mother's milk.  It is how humans are supposed to work.  Many mothers have found that nursing in public, while at times challenging, can make it easier to go out and about with baby, especially when there are older siblings with all kinds of activities to attend.  Some mothers feel the need to cover while nursing for modesty, or to find a quiet place so that baby focuses on eating rather than sightseeing.  Having nursing as an option for baby when you're out certainly wouldn't solve the whole "how do we deal with this performance" question, which has multiple issues in the mix, but it might be a tiny bit of a possible way to make things a bit easier for this and other situations when you are out with baby.

Edited November 15, 2017 by justasque

[Another Lynn]

I would do what was best for myself and my little ones and I would not give it a second thought.  I fully support learning an instrument and performing with it - it was a huge part of my own childhood!, but a mama's and baby's needs come before worrying about giving offense any day.  I could suggest 50 million ways you could jump through hoops to stay the whole time, but really, just do what's best for you and for baby.  'Nuff said.  

[Elizabeth86]

Dad hangs out in the back of the room near an exit with the baby and whisks out the door at the first sign of fussiness/noisiness.

This has always been my style too. Usually me instead of dh though.

[SquirrellyMama]

I'd get a babysitter if I could. If not, sit in the back so you can leave easily. Our dance recitals are 4 hours long, I'm so glad I don't need to worry about any young kids.

 

Kelly