Do you have a relative that just "dislikes" (or seemingly hates) you?

[sheryl]

My sister and I are just so opposite on most issues.  I'm NOT talking political here.  Just everything else! :)

 

She has a very controlling and manipulative style.  Most people in my family "put up" with her.  Well, I'm tired of it.  I said something and she responded by emailing not only me but other family members to make me look bad.  She has discredited me in front of others before. 

 

Well, Saturday marked 2 years since my Dad passed away and there was/is an issue with dd that needs attention.  So, I did not accompany my dh to my sister's and bil's house to drop off a key b/c my Sat was just blah.  My dh told her that the reason I "probably" did not go along with him was b/c of the email she sent. 

 

Then, today, Sunday I was out for an hour or so and there it was 2 texts asking why I didn't come over yesterday and a looooooong email telling me off.  I didn't read it but she was spouting this and that.  AND, she sent a copy to my dh who knows who else in the family.

 

WHAT?

 

She had a run-in with our 1st cousin a few years ago and the attacking (on her end) was relentless.   Our cousin is older.  My sister is a know-it-all and has an anger issue. 

 

I don't know how to handle this. Prayer, sure!  But, I need to know how to practically handle this.  Turn the other cheek - done that, again and again. 

 

I think I need to take Cinderella's words - have courage and be kind - and reply to her email.  In the past I don't entertain her ranting so I delete.  This time I feel like I need to calmly show her the line in the sand.

 

What do you say? 

[maize]

This book may be helpful:

 

https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901

 

I think the advice applies well beyond diagnosable BPD; it can be helpful if anyone close to you tends towards emotional volatility and reactivity.

[Selkie]

I can't stand people who create drama like that, so I'd minimize contact with her as much as humanly possible.

[sheryl]

thanks for the book link.  I pulled it up.

 

selkie - I would normally do that but it's just a matter of time before something goes sour again b/c it's never been dealt with.   ???  she will just continue.....

[Guest]

thanks for the book link. I pulled it up.

 

selkie - I would normally do that but it's just a matter of time before something goes sour again b/c it's never been dealt with. ??? she will just continue.....

She will...

[Rosie_0801]

Yeah. That's why I don't talk to pretty near all my relatives.

[Mimm]

Yikes, you need some serious distance in that relationship.

 

My SIL is the only one who seems to not like me. In general she's very nice and I have no idea at all what her problem is with me because she won't cause drama for the sake of family unity. But I thought we were going to be friends, and we have children who could be in each other's lives but apparently not. So yeah, not the same thing at all. But hurtful in a different way. I guess you at least know where you stand with your crazy sister. :) But my family gatherings aren't at all tense.

[nixpix5]

Yikes. I would reply all to everyone and say "I am sorry you are having such a visceral reaction to my absence. I need to place a boundary on this conversation though as it over steps a line. Let's revisit this at a later time when we can do so in a mature way without bringing in our loved ones. Take care."

 

Most of us have these family members. I am a direct, non emotional and clear boundary person in an extended family of passive aggressives. It is not fun. I am sorry you are going through this :(

Edited August 28, 2017 by nixpix5

[fraidycat]

I have a sister who is similar. I'm the only one who sets boundaries. Everyone else takes her shit and abuse.

 

When she gets in her snits, my reaction is incredibly mature. It goes something like this:

 

"F%*k Off!"

 

Then I refuse to engage until she acts like a decent human. The problem is not mine, therefore there is nothing for me to "deal with". The problem is that she resents that she can not manipulate and control me. So, she does get sour now and again, but <shrug> not my monkey, not my circus. I go about living my life, my way, and if she chooses to be part of it, then she must act like a decent human. If not, it's no skin off my nose.

Edited August 28, 2017 by fraidycat

[Scarlett]

I have a sister who is similar. I'm the only one who sets boundaries. Everyone else takes her shit and abuse.

 

When she gets in her snits, my reaction is incredibly mature. It goes something like this:

 

"F%*k Off!"

 

Then I refuse to engage until she acts like a decent human. The problem is not mine, therefore there is nothing for me to "deal with". The problem is that she resents that she can not manipulate and control me. So, she does get sour now and again, but <shrug> not my monkey, not my circus. I go about living my life, my way, and if she chooses to be part of it, then she must act like a decent human. If not, it's no skin off my nose.

 

Ha! That is darn funny and I don't even curse.

 

In my head though I will now be talking to difficult people that way.

[Annie G]

My sister in law is my relative who dislikes me. I choose not to engage with her, and basically ignore her when we have to be together. It drives her crazy, which is really just a bonus for me.  She wants me to argue back but what's the point? I'm not going to change her mind about me. I don't like her and she doesn't like me. It is what it is. 

 

But that doesn't work for every conflict.  I'm glad it works for mine, though. 

[gaillardia]

Yes. It hurts still and I think I am still grieving over it. It is all of our extended family members. We never hear from them. I don't engage in public discussion over it though. 

[gardenmom5]

have you ever read anything about personality disorders?   the only way to deal with them is boundaries.  there is a good book by townsand and cloud called "boundaries: how to say no, when to say yes."

 

I dealt with this type of garbage with my grandmother and sister.   life is too short.  

my brother is also highly "toxic" and he is very aggravating to be around.  (his adult kids have issues with him.  and two very nasty divorces later . . . .)

 

I'm making good relationships with my children - and now I have a son-in-law who calls me mom.   

[J-rap]

The only relative like that in my life has, I believe, NPD.  Knowing that helps me understand her and I don't take it personally.  Also, she is not a close relative so it actually affects my sister a lot more than me.  But it is still difficult.

 

I'd read up about personality disorders if I were you, and learn about proper boundaries.

 

Other than that, I do have relatives who have very different views on things, some of them a bit frustrating and baffling, but generally they still know how to act decently with others.  But, they do not have a personality disorder.

[Carrie12345]

I don't have a relationship with my sister. Not simply because she's terrible, but because her terrible seeks to destroy people she's unhappy with, and she was often unhappy with me.  She doesn't chase though, so almost non-existent contact works well for both of us. We see each other at the rare family gathering and can be cordial for that short time. She accepts her diagnosis and understands the need for distance. I don't think she hates me, and I don't really *hate* her.  We just can't be in each other's lives.

 

On the in-law side, there isn't quite the same intent to destroy. They're unstable people who don't recognize their instability.  They tend to chase, so any form of limited contact opens giant cans of worms.  We look like the evil relatives from the outside, but I'll gladly take that over the incessant drama.  They totally hate me and what they see as my "controlling" their son and keeping their grandkids from them.  They genuinely don't understand our concerns. 

 

All of it is sad, but I am LOVING sad after years and years of feeling like a hostage.

[Guest]

I have a sister who is similar. I'm the only one who sets boundaries. Everyone else takes her shit and abuse.

 

When she gets in her snits, my reaction is incredibly mature. It goes something like this:

 

"F%*k Off!"

 

Then I refuse to engage until she acts like a decent human. The problem is not mine, therefore there is nothing for me to "deal with". The problem is that she resents that she can not manipulate and control me. So, she does get sour now and again, but <shrug> not my monkey, not my circus. I go about living my life, my way, and if she chooses to be part of it, then she must act like a decent human. If not, it's no skin off my nose.

I love this. I'm not really a "f%*k off" kind of person, but I can think of some instances in which I probably should have just said that.

[sheryl]

Thanks everyone.  Just a reminder - the "current" issue is not a disagreement (although we disagree on a lot).  She did not like something I said (it was a statement based on observation) - she misperceived it.  And, in fact, she has mentioned this "opinion" in the past in conversation to me.  So, she's a hypocrite! 

 

In the past, with a disagreement and me trying to call her out for attacking me, she sends lengthy emails full of "ammunition" to support her cause and "right" to set me straight aka harass aka attack, etc.  Her emails include reasons to discredit my character.