bethben Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 You know all those memes that say something to the effect of "Between soccer, youth group, gymnastics, boy scouts, and co-op, when will I ever find time to socialize my children?!" Well, we don't do those things. We barely see other people during the week. My ds 16 goes to a college class twice a week, youth group on Saturdays, and a mentorship program on Tuesdays. My youngest has friends in the neighborhood and sees kids at church so she gets to see others 2-3 times a week (assuming she doesn't get into trouble with me). My youngest and ds 12 have an all day co-op thing on Tuesdays. Other than the co-op, my ds12 sees no one. He doesn't care much either but he is lonely. He is VERY particular about who he is friends with and is the type of person that would find 1 out of a hundred kids to be friends with. I on the other hand see people at church once a week (I don't have good friends there) and other than therapists and doctors, I don't see anyone either. I feel like we're fairly isolated but I really can't do more than we're doing. I feel very swamped right now. My oldest with special needs is home full time and has lately required quite a bit of legal, medical, and services paperwork. Going to other people's houses is literally impossible (wheelchair issues). I don't mind others coming here, but after the little kid stage, people are busy and don't seem to do the play date thing when the mom comes also. The thought of driving an hour for a field trip makes me want to cry if someone said I "had" to do it for the sake of my kids. I'm at the point that I think school would be good just so we could all see other people more often, but what we have here works to a point. Encouragement? Slap on the wrist? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wintermom Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Sounds like slim pickings for seeing people by my standards, but we're overly busy. Could you add in a physical activity for everyone (if the co-op doesn't include this)? It doesn't have to be a competitive sport, but something active and fun. It also doesn't have to be the same activity for each family member. I include you, mom, in this as it's a great medium for socializing with others while getting fit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 The co-op does include PE where they learn how to play different sports for the youngest two. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mschickie Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 Does he have one good friend at his co-op? If so maybe see if there is an activity that child does that your son could participate in too, maybe something where a carpool can be arranged so it is not overwhelming for you. Does your homeschool group have Mom's nights? It is amazing what even 1 night out a month can do. If they don't is that something you can set up (meet at Starbucks, Panera...) just so you can get out too. I know it is hard when you are in a season that does not have a lot of flexibility. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Garga Posted March 1, 2017 Share Posted March 1, 2017 (edited) I've been nervous about the same thing. My kids just don't seem to want to do things with other people. Karate twice a week. Church once or twice a week where they attend a Sunday school class with their friends. Oldest has Spanish in a classroom. Oldest has a part time job at McDonalds. The youngest doesn't get around other people except for church and karate and doesn't want to. He'll visit friends houses, but only from time to time. I think we've become unsocialized homeschoolers. It wasn't always that way, but if you're not in a formal activity, it's hard to coordinate play/hang out time with other people. And the kids adamantly don't want to join in any groups/classes/team sports. Edited March 1, 2017 by Garga Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted March 1, 2017 Author Share Posted March 1, 2017 I have a one night out a month with a group of friends/homeschoolers. I make it most months. I tried to find groups that my ds12 would be interested in. The one that showed the most promising turned out to be a whole morning/early afternoon deal (10-3 pm) and I just can't take another day off of homeschooling- trying to cram 5 days worth of stuff into 3 for an activity. They didn't have a night group. I almost cried when I heard what time they met. The other boys in his class seem to like him and want his attention. I've offered to pick up random boys in his classroom to come to our home, but he just isn't interested. He does have an adult friend (mine and dh's friend whom we trust) who is teaching him how to build computers and ds loves to learn with him. Ds loves to hang out with him. The thing is, due to my oldest's needs, I've constantly been in a season of inflexibility. Now that he's home full time, even more so. I'm working on getting him some places he can go and be taken care of, but most of the time, I'm still having to bring him with me to after school activities. Try getting a wheelchair over soccer fields to watch a child play and you can start to understand how doing that all the time just isn't possible for my 46 year old body. I found an activity that all 3 kids could participate in, but the time they did stuff was at 5 pm which meant driving 30-45 minutes in rush hour traffic both ways and then sitting in a small room with other parents and no room for a wheelchair. Maybe imagine having a toddler that you have to bring with you everywhere. Your toddler is always with you. You can't put him in child care anywhere -- you have to be able to bring them with you always because no one ever provides child care for your particular child even if they provide it for the other toddlers. Finding a babysitter for your toddler is limited so you just have to do activities that you can bring him with. Now imagine your toddler is your size. That's my life. Maybe I'm trying to justify this, but I don't know how to change this. We need to get out more. My life is totally unbalanced and my children's lives are unbalanced also. I just don't know how to fix it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WistfulRidge Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Oh, I hear you. I really, really do. No one here is special needs, technically, but both Mr. Inquisitive and I have some anxiety issues that are most definitely made worse in many social situations. We are also a houseful of introverts - ranging from myself (a self described "introvert among introverts" and perfectly content to go days, if not weeks without going anywhere/seeing anyone) to my DH who is an outgoing introvert (very charismatic, likes to do things with people but definitely, definitely an introvert). So far all four of our kids fall somewhere in between. Right now we leave the house at least once a week (to run errands). Church used to be another guaranteed, built-in social activity but we recently (about 3 months ago now) left the church that we have been with for a very long time. We're still friends with many of the people we know from there but...it's harder to see them now that we don't have the built in surety of "I'll run into you at church". This has 100% been a fantastic decision for our family but it does have the unfortunate side affect of nixing a "freebie" social event for people (us) that don't really like to do social events. I also usually try to get us out a least once a week more for something more social - a meet up with friends at the park or even just go hang out at the library during story/activity hour. In reality this happens about 2x a month. I wouldn't mind belonging to a co-op for purely social reasons but the only ones I can find around here are religious groups - which isn't something I have an issue with but I wouldn't be able to/can't sign the statement of faith required to join the group. I haven't been able to find a secular or more open group. The kids do play with the neighbor kids on a daily basis and we have extended family nearby that we see 2-4+ times a month. We also like to hit up the local children's museum and zoos fairly often - by ourselves or with local friends. And, honestly, we're perfectly happy with this. We like being home and with each other and not going places. Ask any of my kids who their friends are and they'll name off their siblings first, then the neighbors. No one's lonely and no one is..."weird". (Ok, we're a whole family of weirdos, BUT... ykwim). The older three are all comfortable talking to people of all ages about a variety of topics, are reasonably well mannered and polite etc... Still, with the absence of the church freebie we will be trying out a few things next year. Music lessons of some kind for Mr. Inquisitive. Probably official swim lessons for everyone later in the year (the older three all have a good basic grasp given that my parents, who live nearby, have a pool but I figure they'd enjoy swim lessons anyway) and possibly community soccer in either the fall or next spring - or both. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
EndOfOrdinary Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I don't see anything wrong with hermit life if everyone is happy. I am very much a person who would work in a coffee shop to be surrounded by people who never talk to me. Lots of people, no interaction. Perfect! Ds loves people. We do church twice a week, outsourced classes twice a week, and I dump him at the library in the off time. Kid could never get enough. He would openly get depressed and have issues without contact. If your not feeling as though your family is in this place, be as hermit like as works for you. 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamamoose Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 We get less social time than I you but around here that's fairly normal. Even if my kids went to public school, it's a two room classroom K-8 with a max of 12 kids, so you can't even consider that socialization. They are in a swim team, the ski team, and wrestling team; we take piano and attend church twice a week. But literally our circle is pretty small...we do church wth the same family we do piano and it's a small church (20 members) but the community is tiny. All that to say, lots of friends isn't as good as good friends...I think it's fine! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I don't think that you are unsocialized or hermits. I think the real issue is that your 12 year old (and you too?) are lonely. Does he have any neighborhood friends? I like the suggestion of getting together with a co-op friend. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolamum Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Have any people you'd like to get to know more? You could invite them over. We go through phases where we hang out with a group & then we don't. During our last "we don't" phase we hung out weekly with just 2 select families. This worked for us on many levels & while we each hosted from time to time, one family hosted more than anyone else. I was grateful for that for a variety of reasons. You could try to reach out if your kids have connected with anyone in particular. If they haven't you could select a family that you feel you kinda know & have them over to see how it goes.. Just a thought. I get the "alone" & "isolated" feeling.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ondreeuh Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 It sounds so very tough. I am wondering if you might be able to hire a driver to transport your 12 year old to/from classes or social events. Does the library have anything for teens? Is there a game shop that has events? My 15 yr old is a homebody, and he isn't outgoing when he is in classes, so friendships are slow to develop. It is hard to find things that he likes. I am not doing a good enough job at pushing him. He takes 1-2 classes at a time at our local school and that has been really good for him. Oh, and he was allowed to attend afterschool activities when he was in MS. He did chess and robotics. Can your 12 yr old take a class or two at the local middle school? I hope you find something for your oldest. Does the ARC have anything for him? A support group for you? Meeting others who "get it" and have wheelchair-accessible homes would be so nice for you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mamakelly Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 Can you get some kind of respite care from the county for your disabled son? Maybe that might help. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I have a friend with a special needs child who does openly say " taking child places is hard. Can I always host?" I love her so much and understand the family dynamic that I don't mind. Keeps me from having to clean my house too! Talk to other moms. The middle school years are rough and I'm sure there's another kid in your sons age range that's struggling too. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bethben Posted March 2, 2017 Author Share Posted March 2, 2017 We've hosted many many families the first year and a half since we moved here. We've told/begged them to invite themselves over since we know us getting a wheelchair into their homes is hard. We've targeted families with kids the same age as my youngest two. Now we're in a season where life is just exhausting (it doesn't help the DH sprained his ankle badly so I can only leave the house for two hours at a time until he heals). We don't have the energy to invite people over (I never feel the need to have my home perfect for company. I go for "not gross") so as a result, our social time with others has vanished. I don't mind hosting, but sometimes the coordinating and inviting gets a little much for my introverted self especially when I'm already overwhelmed. Yes, ds 12 and myself are just lonely for friendship. We're the introverts of the family. Also, yes we are able to access respite for my son when he turns 18 in April. I'm looking into that minimally as time allows. He will also have access to a day program at that time which will help. He's a social guy and would like it. Still, he would still be with me in the afternoons and nights most of the time which is the norm around here which is also the lack of balance. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom of 2 boys Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 I can relate. Both of my kids have autism, and it's just difficult to find things that work for our family. I gave up on church awhile ago, it just caused more problems for us no matter where we went. Our YMCA has some limited aide support available, but the classes run for 6 weeks and then break for at least 2 in between sessions, so we basically see no one (besides therapists) for weeks on end and many people do not understand the stress involved in doing something unstructured during those times, like visiting the library without help. I think that sometimes we really are just choosing between bad and worse. I don't think that my children would be better off in any other situation that is available to them, so I don't know what more I could possibly do. I just keep searching and trying different things, and hoping that things might improve as we enter different seasons of life. Would your kids be interested in any kind of summer camp? We have summer camp set up for a month (with an aide) for my older son and I think that will really help for a little while at least. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Calm37 Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 You attend church and a co-op! Also, you have four children! I would not call that isolated at all. It sounds like you have plenty to worry about. I would cross socialization off that list. Honestly, in the end the relationships that are going to matter are the ones right in your home. Friends will come and go for you and for your children. As you are able, do some things that strengthen your children's relationships. A lot of those you can do right at home - movie night (with pizza and popcorn and sleeping bags in front of the TV), game night, cooking a special meal together. paint something... My olders mostly remember the fun things we did together as a family. I understand the sudden attacks of "I'm not doing enough." I know I did go on autopilot a lot of the time. I'm just trying to say that changing things might be way easier than you think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MomatHWTK Posted March 2, 2017 Share Posted March 2, 2017 (edited) You're fine. People want to answer the 'but what about' questions, so they have slogans about all the social stuff. But really, it should be a personal choice. I don't have to put my kids in activities just to prove to someone else that I meet their standard for social activities. Meet the standard that works for your family. ETA: My introvert enjoys interacting on Always Ice Cream. She's quite the social butterfly on the site. Edited March 2, 2017 by MomatHWTK Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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