When your children move out to you keep their room

[LucyStoner]

I had a college friend who expected her mom to save her room even though her teenage brother and sister were left sharing a bedroom while her bedroom sat empty all but a couple of weeks a year. I was pretty bothered that her mom agreed to it. Once my friend graduated from college she threw a hissy fit that her 15 year sister was pressing to get that room. I lost contact with her shortly there after. Her selfish attitude kind of seeped into her other relationships.

 

I left home at 17 with with everything and never looked back.

 

I won't expect my sons to do what I did but no, I would not leave their rooms locked in time either. Especially not at age 24.

[Seasider]

....

We will store a small amount of special items until they can take them...special books, a few childhood toys they don't want to part with like their trains which they each received when they turned 6, etc.

Along those lines, I have tucked away a number of items that I will "store" until each kid hits a certain milestone. These are small heirloom items that neither I nor they would want to see list or disheveled due to frequent young-adult-years moves. These are things like very old photographs, the outfit they came home from the hospital wearing, first baby cup (little silver julep cups are a family tradition).

[luuknam]

We knew that she wanted to move out but we thought she was moving this summer after her teaching contract is up.

 

I think that's part of her OCD that she wants to do things quickly without thinking it through. She only starting "dating" this guy 2 months ago. They have only spent 3 actual days together when she went down there to visit. So this is all very last minute.

 

So, she's breaking a teaching contract (leaving the school having to scramble for a replacement mid-year) on a whim to move in with a 'boyfriend' she's dated online (I assume) and has been with in person for only 3 days?

 

I'm not sure what I'd do, but I wouldn't be shocked if she were to bounce back within a few months. So, I might repurpose her room etc, but I'd keep a mattress around for her to crash on if I didn't want her sleeping on my couch.

[Prairie~Phlox]

Will not keep their room, a few boxes in the attic would be ok.

[QueenCat]

We converted the one who has left's room into a guest room. Willing to store as first apartments are usually quite tiny, as his is, and he just doesn't have enough room for all of his books (a habit he got from us).

[Storygirl]

I agree with luuknam that her new living situation is not likely to be permanent, and that she may end up coming back home. I think telling her that you are planning to clear out her room may make her feel rejected by you, so I'd be cautious about going that route, unless you are ready to tell her that she will not be welcome to live with you again in the future.

 

I think whatever you decide about the room is going to affect your relationship with her, so I would tread carefully.

[kbutton]

I would try to help her sort some by category as has been mentioned or get her permission to reclassify things and pack it better when you have time. It sounds awful over the holidays! I am sorry about that. Store what you can. It sounds like her situation is going to be unstable. With what is left, over time, you might be able to open a box, photograph the contents to show her over the phone, suggest an appropriate way to deal with them, and see what she says. 

 

There are many reasons for having trouble sorting possessions. I hesitate to suggest too much without knowing all the reasons it's overwhelming. If there are things that you think can be easily replaced, I would try to keep them all together.  A little time passing might let her say to donate them because she realizes she can get those items again easily. When she has more room, she might also be more willing to have a box shipped to her from time to time (or take a couple back if she visits) if things are "ready to go." 

 

I agree with others that her perception of why you want the stuff sorted out will make a difference in how she deals with it and how she feels about you. If you are going to resent having it long-term, then I think you need to be creative about how to deal with it supportively. It is your house, and it's not unreasonable to want things left nicely. 

[Janeway]

At bare minimum, I would make them declutter. But, keeping their room would depend on the size of your home and family. Since they are out of state, I would assume they would stay at your house when they visit so they would stay in their own room. But for us, our family is too big to keep any room in one particular way. We only have one girl, so I can see keeping her room as is. But for the rest, there will likely just be shifting as the years go by. BUT, I would not want to store stuff that they would rid of otherwise. 

[Jann in TX]

We have 2 adult daughters who have moved out..

One has her own house now so she took all of her stuff.

The other roomed with her sister for a few years and is now in Grad school out of the country-- she left stuff in storage at both houses!

 

When older dd's moved out (same time), younger dd moved into oldest dd's bedroom (much larger room with private bath). I took youngest dd's bedroom for guest room (and my bedroom most nights-- DH snores and I have restless legs.. not a good combo!).

DH took middle dd's bedroom as his home office (the real home office is mine!).

 

Older girls are fine with arrangement-- we will continue to store middle dd's things until she finished grad school in 2017-- then she gets to deal with it. (Oldest dd is planning on bringing middle dd's things back to our house for storage over the holiday break).

 

 

 

 

[foxbridgeacademy]

I guess it depends on the long-term relationship you are hoping to have. It sounds like she is in a transitionary phase. Does keeping the stuff or not really have to be decided immediately? I sense from your posts that you don't like a lot about the way your dd lives or thinks, but she is who she is. You can either work with her and help her to constructively grow and mature or not. KWIM?

 

She's probably never going to do things the way you would because you are a different person. I would encourage you to really, sincerely study what it is like to live with OCD and anxiety. You can't control how she manages her life, you can only control how you respond. But you should carefully consider the consequences of your response. 

 

My parents' home was always my home. They kept many of my belongings until my DH and I moved into a house large enough to hold them. In fact, some of my belongings are still in the attic of my childhood home. Deciding whether you will allow her to keep her things at your home should be a decision based on whether you have the room and are wiling; you shouldn't make the decision based on whether you think her belonging are well packed or worth keeping. That takes it to a level of judgment that expects her to be someone she's not. 

:iagree:  

 

In your situation (which I'm 100% positive I will be in when DD moves out) we will keep her stuff, as long as it is all boxed, until we no longer have space for it.  Since she is the last one, and the only one to likely do this, we expect to move someplace smaller.  I would probably put a time limit on how long her stuff can sit in our spare room/attic/garage but even that is negotiable.  I know this kid and I love her to pieces even the messy scattered pieces.  She knows I have my limits of how much clutter I can stand and will, hopefully, not push me past them.  So I suggest figuring out something that works for you both.  Maybe stack her boxes in the garage, or in the bedroom against a wall but she has to get them within X months or they go into a paid storage facility.  In the meantime you can start re-purposing her room.  Another consideration is that if this is her first real job/move away she may be scared and knowing she has a home/room to come back to helps her feel more secure. Again setting a time limit (6 months) would probably alleviate her fears and may help your stress knowing there is an end point to the mess.