Feeling like a failure

[Cara4497]

DS is in Kindergarten and this is our first year homeschooling. It has had its ups and downs and few rough spots, but overall I felt it was going well. 

 

That was until I started volunteering in his Sunday School class on occasion and seeing FB posts about what other Kers were doing. The other kids are light years ahead of him...like they are writing sentences and doing addition and DS is still working on counting and can't even write his name. Most of them I know in real life and some he even went to preschool with so I know they all started the year in about the same place.

 

Our pediatrician did put in a referral for some evaluations for possible learning issues. But I don't believe that would put him this far behind. 

 

I feel like I am failing him. 

 

HELP

[Laurel-in-CA]

Kindergarten is WAY too early to start taking on the burden of failure -- for you or your son. Yes, pursue your doctor's recommendations. Read to him a lot. Have him do big-motor stuff -- write in rice on a cookie sheet, use whiteboard pens instead of skinny little pencils, cut things out....and try building with legos for find motor control. Sing the alphabet song with sounds and magnetic letters. And go on lots of "field trips" and talk, talk, talk wherever you go. Play rhyming games and syllable counting games and have fun.

 

Kindergarten is a year when kids grow and change so much....I'd start adding fertilizer to your little guy's learning, but don't assume those seeds aren't going to come sprouting up in a few more months!

[Renai]

I agree to follow-up with the ped's referral, but as a state prek teacher I'll also say that early childhood has a wide range of development. Very wide.

 

My daughter is also kindergarten age, and with me being in a classroom I have seen students that seem ahead of my daughter as well (at this age and kindergarten age). The reason I homeschool is so she can learn at her pace, not at the developmentally inappropriate pace in the school. For some children, the pace is just fine. For others, not so much. My daughter is in the not-so-much category.

 

It can be hard to not worry, but as long as you are seeing progress, (and no problem getting evaluations at this time as well) just keep moving at his pace. 

Edited November 17, 2016 by Renai

[Lori D.]

DS is in Kindergarten and this is our first year homeschooling. It has had its ups and downs and few rough spots, but overall I felt it was going well. 

 

That was until I started volunteering in his Sunday School class on occasion and seeing FB posts about what other Kers were doing. The other kids are light years ahead of him...like they are writing sentences and doing addition and DS is still working on counting and can't even write his name. Most of them I know in real life and some he even went to preschool with so I know they all started the year in about the same place.

 

Our pediatrician did put in a referral for some evaluations for possible learning issues. But I don't believe that would put him this far behind. 

 

I feel like I am failing him. 

 

HELP

 

I know it is super-hard not to compare, but please, don't beat yourself up.  :grouphug:

 

1. Comparison is the thief of joy. You ARE doing a great job of homeschooling, and knew it until you compared: "overall I felt it was going well." Please, don't look at "what others are doing". It is meaningless for where your son is, and what your educational goals are for him, and what you know is best for him.

 

2. Children develop and bloom in their own unique timetable that can NOT be forced. Learning to read may happen as young as 3yo, or as late as 7yo -- both are within normal range. It's ridiculous of public educators to think that all these "different-shaped 5yo pegs" are all going to be able to be forced into that same "square peg-hole" that the school demands of Kindergarten.

 

3. Kinder-aged children benefit MOST from learning that centers around imaginative play, exploration, and discovery, as this builds the foundation for later critical thinking skills and ability to problem-solve. A real example: Finland has the highest academic success rate world-wide. Children do NOT START formal academic education (seat work, learning to read, etc.) until age 7. Instead, they spend loads of time outdoors, exploring nature, being read to, encouraged to explore and discover...

 

4. These academic activities that the other Kinder kids are doing (writing sentences, addition, etc.) are developmentally inappropriate for this age of child; if the school continues to force this pace on these children, studies show that most of them will be burnt out on school and academics by grade 3 or 4, AND, worse, they will not have been allowed to develop those skills needed in later grades of analysis, problem solving etc. There are have been several threads on these boards in the past year with links to studies on this topic if reading the hard evidence helps.

 

5. Dump FaceBook. Make friends in a local homeschool group or go to a weekly homeschool PE/Park Day, and see that there is a wide range of skills and abilities in children in that K-6th age range. Don't stress about Sunday School (you don't want DS to pick up on that stress), and just bear in mind that by about age 10 or so, kids who were advanced or early in reading or writing and those who were "late bloomers", have all evened out.

 

And most of all  :grouphug:  :grouphug:  and encouragement! You're doing an awesome work in the life of this precious little one entrusted to your care. Warmest regards, Lori D.

[Ellie]

DS is in Kindergarten and this is our first year homeschooling. It has had its ups and downs and few rough spots, but overall I felt it was going well. 

 

That was until I started volunteering in his Sunday School class on occasion and seeing FB posts about what other Kers were doing. The other kids are light years ahead of him...like they are writing sentences and doing addition and DS is still working on counting and can't even write his name. Most of them I know in real life and some he even went to preschool with so I know they all started the year in about the same place.

 

Our pediatrician did put in a referral for some evaluations for possible learning issues. But I don't believe that would put him this far behind. 

 

I feel like I am failing him. 

 

HELP

 

:grouphug:

 

I promise that your child is way too young for you to decide that you are a "failure." I sent my older dd to a private Christian school, and those children were not writing sentences when they were five.

 

Maybe you could have done more academically. But it doesn't matter. Because unless your child does have actual learning issues, he will learn to write sentences and addition and more. I'm betting that when he's eight or nine, you will not be able to tell a difference between what he knows and what the other children know. 

[madteaparty]

I do too, but please don't start so early.

You have middle school and high school to read here and look around and feel like crap.

I think almost none of the kids in my DD K class can do that stuff. There's at least a couple of English and math professor parents there, presumably they value education.

[fralala]

I know the feeling you're talking about, and it's seldom productive.

 

Seldom. But sometimes, if I can get rid of the feelings of fear and competition, I've used it to my advantage.

 

For instance, on my daughter's 5th birthday, she received cards from her public schooled cousins, also in K, with very neat, even printing. I asked their parents about it and they said, "Oh, yes, they labor over it, but that's what they've learned." My kids have all hated learning to print, and in K, I thought it wasn't a battle worth fighting-- despite the stab of envy and fear I felt seeing the other kids' writing, I thought it was more worthwhile at that age for kids to be playing and running around and building and so forth. But it DID give me a kick in the rear, which was, I do think having neat and legible printing is important, and if I don't insist on it at SOME point-- if I decide I'm going to let my kids forever skip it because it's tedious and boring-- it's going to be on ME, and I have no one else to blame, because they are kids and of course they're going to complain.

 

A school is responsible for getting all kids up to a certain level before passing them off to a new grade and a new teacher, and I am thankful that the schools around here manage that well. If I were you, I'd try to focus on the good-- you value good writing and math skills-- and you are going to help your child with those, at a pace and in a way that values his individual timetable and your beliefs about education. You are not failing your son; you're giving him the gifts of time and freedom and a teacher so very invested in his happiness and success that she agonizes over them.

Edited November 17, 2016 by fralala

[Ausmumof3]

I had similar feelings at one stage but honestly the kid I was comparing to ended up being grade skipped as he is quite gifted. In any class there's going to be a range and just cause we homeschool we may not be at the top of the range.

 

It's helpful to look at two things I think. One is the big picture of your kids overall development. Firstly has there been progress in writing and math from the beginning of the year? If yes then good. Secondly chances are there is somewhere your kid is excelling. I have one kid that can design and make some pretty awesome stuff and one that knows more about animals than most adults. They aren't brilliant at writing yet.

 

I figure it's my responsibility to keep them roughly at grade level but that's all. I'm thrilled they've found stuff they are passionate about. They don't have to be passionate about math or writing. They do need to develop the skills enough that they aren't going to be held back from doing what they are passionate about long term.

 

Secondly like someone else said I may use it as a motivator for me. I have to be careful because I can get too pushy and make mine hate it. Also sometimes its methodology. I noticed a lot of kindy kids seemed to be able to read and write a lot earlier and more accurately than mine but... They were being taught a lot of sight words. We worked phonetically, and while it took longer to start it's definitely paying off now.

 

And the biggest thing that is paying off now is the hours we spent reading together.

[Monica_in_Switzerland]

Do you feel your child is CAPABLE of these things at age 5 and that you are simply slacking off as a parent and teacher and are therefore failing him?

 

Or do you believe he is not developmentally ready for those things?  

 

If it is the latter, then this is no one's "fault".  It just IS.  Either your kid is a late bloomer, or needs some modifications due to learning issues, and you are ideally placed in homeschooling to accommodate both of those things.  

 

If it is the former, and him being "at grade level" is something that matters to you... then we're only four months into the school year.  You can just work at it and catch him up.  

 

IMO, kindergarteners writing sentences or doing addition without manipulatives is COMPLETELY developmentally inappropriate.  Also, you have no idea how "writing sentences" is being done in the classroom.  Very likely, they are simply copying a model.  My (soon-to-be) 5yo hasn't even picked a hand to write with yet!  In a year's time, I HOPE she will be able to form her letters correctly.    

[HomeAgain]

Oh, sweetie!

 

Let me tell you a little story about children learning at their own pace, and why I take pictures.  2 years ago, my son's little friends were way ahead of him.  They were 3 and 4 years old, writing their names and knowing how to write all their letters.  In K about this time he was working on numbers up to 3.  Yes, 3.  He was counting and adding, only to 3.  He couldn't write his name. His little friends were starting their year with bonds to 10.  The public schooled kids were writing full sentences on their own and within two weeks of instruction were reading words like "computer".  (It had taken him months to get to that point of reading)

 

We kept up our slow and steady pace.  We did copywork, starting with just a letter, then building up to *a* word, then *a* sentence by the spring.  We plodded through math, learning all the ways to make 4...then 5...we did a LOT of fine motor skill activities, a LOT of play and art and kept lessons really short.

 

He turned 6.  Those slow and steady exercises paid off.  He's happy, he loves learning, he reads.  He had such a good foundation in how numbers work that he jumped ahead quite a bit; he learned to write sentences on his own after doing copywork and then dictation, and they're beautifully written - spelled correctly, punctuated, capitalized, and in cursive.  He still plays quite a bit, and got to add something new this year after finding a love of music (because we had the chance to spend out time listening to classical pieces last year instead of spending 3 hours on math and 3 hours on reading, like the public school) - he got to add violin.  Same thing, slow and steady, always at his own pace.  He gets to do art at least 3x a week (instead of 1x a week for 6 weeks as the art teacher rotates around the district).  He had time to learn simple crafts like basic weaving and knitting, and be outside in nature.  This is not a failure.  This is intentional use of our time.  Academics are only one small part of a child's life.

 

Now, I will admit, I do have a twinge of envy for my mom-friend who posts pictures of her kids' after dinner crafts each night.  I mean, this lady seriously has Pinterest on lock!  She makes them pumpkin spice play dough, has cute little paper turkeys, collage pumpkin pie....and always with a background of a perfectly clean kitchen and dining room.  I'm more of the type to be like "here, here's a can of commercially made overpriced dough.  Go sit at the little plastic table in the corner." :lol:   Again, though, not a failure.  Just different.

 

It is a good time to examine the goals in your life - are you looking for mastery this year, play, or exposure?  Schools don't look for mastery, they look for exposure and often enough memorization to pass.  Mastery takes time.  You have to keep at it, plodding along like the little tortoise.  Are there times you might get to speed through?  Sure!  But never feel like a failure because you're being intentional in your methods.

[....]

The other kids are light years ahead of him...like they are writing sentences and doing addition and DS is still working on counting and can't even write his name. 

 

I've posted about my late-bloomer a bunch of times.  My son went to a public school kindergarten - it was actually the #2 school district in our state - an incredible school district.  

 

At the end of Kindergarten, not only could he still not read, but he still didn't know his letter sounds.  My son would get up in class and play with the toys.  One time, he actually laid down on the floor and fell asleep during the class.  The school called me and told me to come pick him up and take him home.  In hindsight, he was just too little for school.  There is a huge spectrum of what kids are capable of in kindergarten.

 

About the writing sentences - from what I saw my daughter writing (she also went to ps K), the sentences were junk.  They do that inventive spelling where they just sound out the words.  SWB talks about that in one of her writing lectures.  If you're teaching them to write through copywork/narration/dictation, it's going to take longer for them to learn to write, because you're focusing on writing correctly.  They're not supposed to see inventive spelling (I think even Charlotte Mason said that).  The method works - it just takes longer.  

 

Another thing I noticed when my daughter went - a lot of the parents were giving the kids way too much help.  They had to do a project once for class.  I brought our daughter's in and it looked like a little kid did it - it was a little lopsided and colorful.  I looked at the other projects...   :glare:   They were just way too perfect.  There's no way 5 year-olds did those - the parents did.  The teacher even mentioned it, so it wasn't my imagination.

[....]

Now, I will admit, I do have a twinge of envy for my mom-friend who posts pictures of her kids' after dinner crafts each night.  I mean, this lady seriously has Pinterest on lock!  She makes them pumpkin spice play dough, has cute little paper turkeys, collage pumpkin pie....and always with a background of a perfectly clean kitchen and dining room.  I'm more of the type to be like "here, here's a can of commercially made overpriced dough.  Go sit at the little plastic table in the corner." :lol:   Again, though, not a failure.  Just different.

 

Um...after dinner, my 1 year-old usually screams and throws toys for about an hour, my teens and tweens search the house for their own individual electronic devices and my Australian shepherds run through the house barking, because the neighbor's kid won't stop ringing the doorbell.  Let's not mention the huge mess of dishes, the cat climbing all over the counters, my husband's nightly "Something's wrong with the car" and unopened mail (usually bills, of course)!

 

After-dinner crafts and Pinterest???   :ohmy:    What am I doing wrong??   :leaving:

[HomeAgain]

Um...after dinner, my 1 year-old usually screams and throws toys for about an hour, my teens and tweens search the house for their own individual electronic devices and my Australian shepherds run through the house barking, because the neighbor's kid won't stop ringing the doorbell.  Let's not mention the huge mess of dishes, the cat climbing all over the counters, my husband's nightly "Something's wrong with the car" and unopened mail (usually bills, of course)!

 

After-dinner crafts and Pinterest???   :ohmy:    What am I doing wrong??   :leaving:

 

Seriously.  Except in our house by that time it's usually me losing my cool - I've been doing this parenting alone thing for 6 months now.  I love my kids, but after schooling and cleaning and running around all day by 7pm I'm usually threatening to throw someone down to Hades if they make one.more.mess. for me to have to deal with later.  We do art, at the little plastic table and without me spending hours cutting up mosaic squares or making scented dough.  And it's done when I'm happy, like first thing in the morning.  My oldest does dishes (bless him) and a few other chores, but even so, I'm just TIRED!

[lanalouwho]

I am just another beginner homeschool mom here to commiserate. I don't have any magic tricks or sage advice. I do have a kindergartener who keeps messing up my timetables.

 

I don't like cleaning up art messes or throwing away a hundred sheets of paper with scribbles on them. Our kindergarten art is done strictly on our whiteboards, with a craft every couple of months. My kinder son is not reading. He knows all his letter sounds, but blending is hard for him. We are still working on 2 letter words. He loves doing science experiments, but doesn't care about why they work. He is good at math, to the point where he's a smart aleck about it. His handwriting often includes backward letters.

 

I'm not stressing about it. He's almost 6. He will get there with lots of practice. And we have years to practice.

[Sunshine89]

I am a very new homeschooler... I just pulled my daughter out of 1st grade this week because she likely has ADHD and can't focus in class and I have a son in public 2nd. 

 

The thing I have learned by having my kids in public kindergarten and first grade is how much modeling kids need and the importance of repetition... a little bit everyday goes a long way. Here are some suggestions.... 

 

Write his name on the white board everyday and say each letter. Make several copies of his name in bubble or dashed letter (or laminate 1 sheet) and let him start tracing the letters over and over. Then give him some lined paper with his name at the top to start practicing writing on lines. 

 

For reading, model sounding out a lot! I loved progressive phonics for this because its the same words over and over. 

 

If you want, introduce 2-4 sight words a week (I've seen some great printables over at 1+1+1=1 and This Reading Mama). Make flash cards and review them every week... lay the words on the ground and have him jump to each word as he says them.

 

I totally agree with PP that the current public school writing expectations are developmentally inappropriate!! How can kids write a story if they can't spell? Now copy work is great... you can make up the sentence or even try having your DS help you. 

 

Just remember modeling and repetition.. It might seem like your DS isn't learning much at first but they hear and see everything you do and it will click soon if you stick with it! 

[MerryAtHope]

It doesn't matter what they are doing. Read What Happened to Kindergarten? In 10 years, no one will care whether your son was writing sentences, adding, or just learning to count when he was in Kindergarten. But you might care that he had time to play and imagine and build with Lego bricks and run and jump and be a little boy.

 

Look at the results of all this early work in the public schools. Only a third of US 8th graders are performing at or above proficient levels in reading and math. What does all of this early academic push get us? Kids and parents and teachers who are stressed out, but not results.

 

It used to be NORMAL for kids in K to learn to count and learn their letters. 

 

 

 

 

Edited November 17, 2016 by MerryAtHope

[HomeAgain]

It doesn't matter what they are doing. Read What Happened to Kindergarten? In 10 years, no one will care whether your son was writing sentences, adding, or just learning to count when he was in Kindergarten. But you might care that he had time to play and imagine and build with Lego bricks and run and jump and be a little boy.

 

Look at the results of all this early work in the public schools. Only a third of US 8th graders are performing at or above proficient levels in reading and math. What does all of this early academic push get us? Kids and parents and teachers who are stressed out, but not results.

 

It used to be NORMAL for kids in K to learn to count and learn their letters. 

 

It also gets us significant drawbacks. It used to be normal for kids in K to spend their time with imaginative play and non-restricted movement.  Now we're seeing older children with balance issues who are having to have therapy at a higher rate than before, because they're not given the time or freedom to figure out how to move their bodies in a variety of ways.

[Cara4497]

Thank you all so much. This has been very helpful to read. He is making progress so we will just doing what we have been and get an evaluation done. It is just hard because he beats himself up over being 'stupid' and sometimes adults and especially disapproving family members expect more out of him than he is capable of. 

[lllll]

nm 

 

Edited December 5, 2016 by cathey

[Lori D.]

Thank you all so much. This has been very helpful to read. He is making progress so we will just doing what we have been and get an evaluation done. It is just hard because he beats himself up over being 'stupid' and sometimes adults and especially disapproving family members expect more out of him than he is capable of. 

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

 

Sometimes, if extended family or friends can't be supportive (or silent!), it's best to just not discuss homeschooling and educational choices with them, and to lovingly but firmly cut that short if they try and open that subject. Around these parts, that's referred to as "passing the bean dip" -- as in, you change the subject to some other topic before a discussion starts: "Thanks for your thoughts. We have that area covered. Have some bean dip?" (or, "how 'bout those Cubs?" or "Some weather we've been having, huh?" or.... you get the idea. ;) )

Edited November 18, 2016 by Lori D.

[KSinNS]

Hugs. I wasn't thinking of my little Miss T, who in PS kindergarten (where they journaled and read books and did math) walked out of K knowing less than when she started. We took our time, worked on the basics, restarted math and reading a few times, sorted out her ADHD, and now she is a great student. She reads at a very high level, and is doing very well with math, and she loves school. Don't panic. Kids at 5 are all very different. Take your time, build the foundation.