Experience with extremists personalities

[4everHis]

nm

 

Edited September 7, 2016 by connib

[Anne in CA]

For a long time I have simply pitied them. When they want to interfere with my life directly I use passive aggressive techniques to prevent it. My mom is like this. It has cost her the respect of three of her four children. In her case I do believe it comes from anxiety that she has had her whole life. But that doesn't make it any easier to live with. She was a hoarder when I was growing up. I can still picture her screaming that I had thrown a way a two year old phone bill or expired coupons. But I still cleaned when she went to work so that I could function in the house. Passive aggressive? Yes, I threw away a bunch of useless stuff (we lived in the country so I often burned it) and put stuff I knew she would miss in her room so that her room was the disaster. My dad and siblings were on my side so mostly I "won" but it cost me my relationship with her. Now she has extreme political views. They make me sad, but there's nothing to do about it. She really is incapable of moderation. Wishing she could change would do me more harm and the problems with our relationship stem from the fact that I had to be the grown up from a young age. Parenting myself has been very hard.

 

So, in a nutshell, you can't reason with these people, I think most of them have a form of mental illness. There is no shame in doing what you need to do to cope with these people. You are not responsible for their feelings. You need to have no shame when you don't get along with them, but be kind when you can, IME.

[zoobie]

Disengage and avoid.

 

Some people are just turkeys. Some have personality disorders or mental illness. Unless you're their psychologist, nothing you can do to change them!

[heartlikealion]

It's hard for me but sometimes dh tells me with certain people I should just, "smile and nod." I don't want to be fake. I don't want to nod if I disagree. So maybe just make eye contact, listen and say something non committal like, "ok" or "I see" as in, "I see that's your POV" or even a noise like "ahh" "hmm" might work lol.

 

I hate doing it but sometimes it's best not to openly disagree with people because it just won't go well. We know someone with good intentions that was convinced something was true. I knew their personality and knew I might run into them again at a specific place I was going. I brought proof with me in my purse. I had no intention of bringing up the topic, but they did so I pulled out my proof and at some point in the conversation they agreed with me. It didn't really matter if they did or not, but I felt like they had to see something to listen to me.

Edited September 6, 2016 by heartlikealion

[gardenmom5]

for some - I would assume it is the way their brain is wired and  more out of their control than they'd like (or than outsiders can observe.).   e.g. aspies-but not the only ones. I had one ..  if you didn't agree, you must not have understood and would repeat and repeat and repeat ad infinitum.

 

some just don't care.

[kewb]

Those are smile and nod people. Do not engage.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:

 

If this is someone who has always been this way, then do your best to disengage.  If their reactions/choices bother you then keep contact limited, if possible, or try to find ways to just let it flow around you.  Arguing, discussing, explaining to them your feelings probably won't help at all and it will cause you more stress.  The other person, as mentioned up thread, in all likelihood does not have control over their reactions in any meaningful way.  You can't change them.  Don't try.

 

If this is more of a new development then I would be concerned about some sort of health issue causing changes in how their brain functions and would probably be more proactive in trying to get them some help.

[Bluegoat]

Yes, I also think it's something weird in their mental processes.  Most people do tend to be more towards clear cut answers, or shades of grey, in their thinking, but also know that both are true to an extent.  Often too, it seems to be more extreme when their ideas seem to be not very rational.

 

The guy who runs our neighbourhood FB page is a bit like this - he decides to come down on one side of a thing for reasons that don't seem to make any sense, and then will NOT let it go if someone points out an issue, and will also make arguments that he seems to think support his position but also don't make sense.  He tried to argue recently that rats were a new problem in our temperate port city and the city ought to do more to eliminate them. (The idea that they are a new issue is patently idiotic.) Not using poison though, because he doesn't like that.  And then he posted a bunch (as in an almost endless amount) of stuff about other places that have had (some) success in reducing rat populations.  Not only were some of them totally inapplicable to our city, they were all pesticide based.

 

How to talk to someone like that?  Just disengage, I think.

[Haiku]

I do not argue with people who don't really want to see things any other way. It's why I have stopped arguing with my adult daughter. I just hear her out and change the subject.

[4everHis]

nm

Edited September 7, 2016 by connib

[JustEm]

I have 2 people in my family like this. If they try to engage in some crazy rant with me I simply ignore them. I mean literally ignore them. They could be saying my name and ranting right in front of me and I just continue with whatever conversation I'm having with the other people in the room, even if the rant is about the conversation. Sometimes I just get up and leave the room if other people choose to engage them. Since I have never engage in their rants they generally move on to someone else quickly.

[OneStepAtATime]

I guess in some ways I'm relieved that this is not an isolated thing. Sorry that others have to deal with it in close proximity, as in, how long can you smile and nod at your spouse? Parents? siblings? etc.

 

There is also the 'egg shell' walking around them when you know certain words, topics, commercials, etc can set them off on a tangent. So very tiring.

If this is someone who lives in your home and you have to engage with daily, can you get into counseling to help with the stress and maybe brainstorm better ways to deal with this on a daily basis?  The walking on egg shells feeling, when you have to deal with it daily long term, can have negative emotional/mental/physical health side effects.  

[Bluegoat]

With a spouse, I would probably try and take some sort of more proactive approach.  At least think about where the behavior was coming from.

[Guest]

I've known people over the course of my life who are pretty black and white. Their way or the highway. These people seemed to be able to live life without constantly having to 'make their point.' How do you handle a person who thinks in terms of not only "black or white", "good or bad", "right or wrong" but feels this driven need to make every one hear their way AND see it their way.

 

Is this a personality thing? mental?

It seems to be a celebration of having power. They can now avoid debate and force their worldview. You can choose your response.

 

The dude who believes educated females should be put in their place and fires them, or refuses to do business with them...you have to prove gender discrimination in a court of law. Might be easier to open your own business in a more tolerant, diverse community.

 

Family members...avoid hot buttons, dont 'get them going'. If everything is a hot button, a vacation may be in order. If its inlaws, you arent going to change them, so put some distance in when they become obnoxious or try to harm the children.

Edited September 6, 2016 by Heigh Ho

[gardenmom5]

 

The dude who believes educated females should be put in their place and fires them, or refuses to do business with them...you have to prove gender discrimination in a court of law. Might be easier to open your own business in a more tolerant, diverse community.

 

 

that's what mary kay did. she was passed over for a promotion (at a cosmetics company) because she was a woman . . . she was far more successful, and made far more money, with her own company.

Edited September 6, 2016 by gardenmom5

[kewb]

I guess in some ways I'm relieved that this is not an isolated thing. Sorry that others have to deal with it in close proximity, as in, how long can you smile and nod at your spouse? Parents? siblings? etc.

 

There is also the 'egg shell' walking around them when you know certain words, topics, commercials, etc can set them off on a tangent. So very tiring.

 

With a spouse I would suggest counseling.  If he won't go then you go alone for your own sanity.

 

My in-laws, going on 24 years now.  We talk about the weather.  It took years of drawing boundries but we reached a place where we discuss pleasantries and that is it.

[FaithManor]

My father is one. I spend almost no time with him and when he is around and starts spouting, he is asked to leave if he is in my home or I leave if I am in his. I speak with him at not a solitary social function of any kind.

 

I used to be more long suffering until I realized that tolerating it made the tirades get worse. I now have a policy of avoiding all dramatic folks of this type. I bring up no topic of conversation, exchange pleasantries, and move on.

[LucyStoner]

My father. I make a game of redirecting him when he gets going. There are very few things that can stop him in his tracks but we've known each other awhile, lol, and so I've made mental note of the things that make him more tolerable.

 

There are times though I have to just tell him to leave or I have to hang up the phone.

[I talk to the trees]

 

There is also the 'egg shell' walking around them when you know certain words, topics, commercials, etc can set them off on a tangent. So very tiring.

*nods head knowingly* I know exactly what you mean! The person in my life who does this always seems to "casually" bring the conversation around to her hot-button topics, then gets increasingly irritated when I try to steer it back to topics I know are safe. Even my dd15 has commented how frustrating it is to always have to be on her guard when around this person. Of course, if one does dare to disagree, one is met with cries of, "I can't even talk to you!"

 

Ugh! Just thinking about this relationship is emotionally exhausting!

[Seasider]

The person who first came to mind is so opinionated and vocal that it wouldn't matter how I chose to handle it, she would steamroller right through. Seriously, no amount of logic - even if she closed her mouth long enough to listen - would prevail.

 

Avoidance has been the only successful strategy. I am thankful that the circumstances of our relationship make this mostly possible.

[LucyStoner]

If my spouse were anything like my dad, we'd be divorce bound. There.is.no.way. That's my black and white, my way or the highway line in the sand. I would lose my mind.

 

One reason I am married to my husband is because he protects and insulates me from the preponderance of people like my dad or who are just plain dysfunctional in my family. I remember getting stuck in traffic with my now-husband and being relieved to find that his reaction to this was to turn on the radio and sing/dance/joke. Getting stuck in traffic with my dad is like being held hostage by a lunatic. ETA- My dad basically doesn't drive anymore but I had stopped riding in any car he was driving long before he stopped. He's a little better when he's the passenger and not the driver. but when he's the driver, everyone is to blame for the traffic. Everyone from zombie Nixon to the next door neighbor he doesn't get on well with.

Edited September 6, 2016 by LucyStoner

[FaithManor]

Same here Lucy. If my husband ever started up like my male dna contributor, the marriage would be over.

 

Thankfully he is nothing like that loon nso our marriage is just fine!

[Bluegoat]

What would be tricky is if a spouse's behavior changed, which is something I can picture happening under the right circumstances.

[PrairieSong]

I had a friend like this, very black and white, very judgmental. She was always championing a Cause (which changed every few months) and she'd talk about it nonstop. She spent so much time, energy, and money on so many things that never came to fruition. She drove people away and is now alone..divorced, friendless, and has no contact with her kids or grandkids. I wonder if she has BPD, because of her cycles of frantic activity and deep depression. It's very sad. I don't think she trusts anyone enough to help her. I can't be around her.

 

If this were someone very close to me such as a spouse or parent, I don't think I could be around that person. It would drive me insane.

[4everHis]

*nods head knowingly* I know exactly what you mean! The person in my life who does this always seems to "casually" bring the conversation around to her hot-button topics, then gets increasingly irritated when I try to steer it back to topics I know are safe. Even my dd15 has commented how frustrating it is to always have to be on her guard when around this person. Of course, if one does dare to disagree, one is met with cries of, "I can't even talk to you!"

 

Ugh! Just thinking about this relationship is emotionally exhausting!

 

Edited September 7, 2016 by connib