What do you teach your kids regarding adults?

[EMS83]

When I was growing up, all kids were expected to respect and obey all adults, at pretty much anytime.  There was general fear of and inferiority to adults.  Yet a lot of emphasis was put on stranger danger.  Conversely, I have chosen to nuance things and help them understand authority in different contexts.  My hope is this will provide a sturdier, more accurate framework for them to grow into. Essentially what I emphasize is that they shouldn't listen to adults just because they are adults, and that adults are fallible.  At the same time, I also lay out the various authorities they have in their lives, the limits of each, and the importance/value of appropriate obedience and submission: God (we're some flavor of Christian), us, legal authorities, and grandparents/teachers/babysitters.  I also have never, ever painted adults as somehow categorically "better" than kids.  I see them as equally human, equally valuable, equally deserving of dignity and respect--they are simply young and more or less at the beginning of the learning, growing, maturing process which I see as a lifelong deal.  To the respect aspect, I have tried to emphasize that we treat all people with dignity and respect, not to get them to like us or to avoid negativity, but simply because they are people, and frankly because "the Bible tells me so" :D.  My hope is that this covers the "respect your elders" and also helps them to have a balanced perspective as they grow into adulthood and become the elders themselves.  All this does require a lot more conversation and correction in the short term, though.

 

Hope all that made sense!!  What does everyone else teach their kids about how to relate to grown ups?

[maize]

I teach them to follow the instructions of the person in charge in class, sport, etc. situations because that is a prerequisite for participating in the activity. I definitely don't teach them that all adults have authority over them but then no one ever taught me that either. We do a lot of talking and explaining and negotiating at home, I don't expect mindless obedience from them. I do have authority at home but many things are open to negotiation and they know I will take their point of view into consideration if I can.

[The Girls' Mom]

I've taught them that just because someone has attained a higher number of years than they have, it doesn't mean they know everything.  However, they've also been taught that everyone deserves a certain level of respect, and rudeness is not cool under any circumstance.  

 

They've also been taught that no one has a right to do anything to their body without permission.  They are to obey authority figures, but should question anything they think is morally wrong.  We taught them to obey their parents and grandparents, but always offered an explanation for why they had to do something.  They didn't get into trouble for asking questions if they were asked respectfully.  

[MotherGoose]

I think it's cultural in many ways. I'm from the South, and I expect my kids to say yes ma'am and no ma'am. I expect them to obey all adults unless it's something they know is wrong. We have a warm, loving relationship, and they have this with other adults too, but in the end the adult is in charge. Recently we were walking somewhere and I told the kids to get over out of the adult's way when we met and that they should defer to the adult in those situations. They said, why? And I said it was because the person was an adult and They were children. I also rather expect a man to do the same for me. It's polite. They certainly test these boundaries, but I do enforce them and, largely, adults in my social circle expect the same from their kids. I do not expect everyone to agree with me, but please do be nice. I remember when I was about 14 I got a new Sunday school teacher who, looking back, was probably only 25. I said yes ma'am to her and she complained to my mom that she thought I was being rude. She was from Pennsylvania. Of course we sorted it out and I think I was allowed to not call her ma'am anymore. :)

Edited April 9, 2016 by MotherGoose

[SparklyUnicorn]

I teach my kids to be respectful and kind towards people in general.  I teach them to question authority and to not follow it blindly.  But this is not to say I think they should be obnoxious towards adults.  I just don't think adults get an automatic free pass where we are to listen to them no matter what.

 

 

[maize]

There are definitely regional variations, and a child needs to learn the social rules of the society in which they must function.

 

I do hope those who live in regions where children are expected to obey and defer to all adults are especially careful to teach exceptions to that rule--as a previous poster mentioned, teach them about their right to personal and moral boundaries. All children need to know that adult authority is not unlimited and that obedience to any human authority is not the highest obligation or virtue.

[SKL]

I tell my kids that they must be respectful and polite toward adults.  However, they do not need to do what an adult asks unless it is someone I have given explicit permission to do xyz with them.  There is implicit permission in some cases - teachers get to do teacher things with them etc.  They are not to go anywhere with anyone unless I have given permission in advance (again, recognizing implicit/blanket permissions).  They are to listen to their gut and politely refuse to comply if something feels wrong.  If someone tries to force them to do what feels wrong, they can drop the "polite, respectful" stuff and run, scream, kick, scratch, whatever to get away.

 

I have told my kids some real-life examples of times when adults (or older kids) have tried (or done) nonsense and what the right response was.  In some cases that [potential] child victim was me, or my dad, or someone else they know.  So they know they will not get in trouble (with me) if they respond similarly in a crisis situation with an adult.

[MEmama]

I can honestly say this has never explicitly come up in regards to adults vs kids, but we do model and teach respect for *all* people, and grace to situations we may not initially understand or be comfortable with (as in cultural differences for example, not something safety related).

 

"Obedience" doesn't have a place for us. To me, it's a loaded word that implies blindly going along with someone or something, and I would actively discourage that sort of thinking or behaviour.

Edited April 9, 2016 by MEmama

[Xahm]

Mine are little (2 and 3) so it's really basic at this point. Right now my almost 4 year old knows to treat everyone politely and to listen to adults who are in charge of her, but if any adult tells her something that she thinks is wrong she should ask me or her father about it. We explained that if she says "I need to ask my mom first," all good adults will think that's a good answer, but if someone gets upset by the answer, they might be a tricky grownup she should stay far away from. She knows that not all grown-ups are in charge of her but she should be polite. 

[SparklyUnicorn]

I can honestly say this has never explicitly come up in regards to adults vs kids, but we do model and teach respect for *all* people, and grace to situations we may not initially understand or be comfortable with (as in cultural differences for example, not something safety related).

 

"Obedience" doesn't have a place for us. To me, it's a loaded word that implies blindly going along with someone or something, and I would actively discourage that sort of thinking or behaviour.

 

Yeah we have rarely had any sort of related conversation about this.  I just don't think there is anything special about adults.  I've been hurt by more adults in my life than children.  I've also been hurt by those entrusted with my care more so than others.

 

A lot of adults are very disrespectful towards children.  I've personally seen adults snap at children simply because their patience had worn thin (unrelated to anything with the child).  What adult would go for that? 

[heartlikealion]

Pretty much just tell them who is in charge/watch the language/etc. while around ____. For example, I will tell ds not to talk about farting around grandpa. Not that I want to hear about it, either lol. And that if we leave him with so and so they are in charge. The main thing I can recall pointing out specifically about adults is that certain responses are considered "back talk" and not appreciated by adults. Some level of responding is okay with us, but may not fly with other adults. We really up the "yes ma'am" "no sir" around dh's side of the family.

 

Discussions of manners, behavior are kind of broad I guess. Like being careful not to hurt someone's feelings whether they are an adult or child. We don't really use terms like obedience.

 

We live in an area where human trafficking is a real concern so there have been many talks about strangers and how I like the kids to stay nearby and maybe not tell strangers too much about yourself.

 

I don't think I've painted authority figures to always do right but we have told ds that if there was trouble he could approach a police officer.

[lllll]

nm

Edited April 20, 2016 by _ ?^..

[AK_Mom4]

Be polite regardless of age. That Includes addressing them by their preferred title or name.

 

Treat people with respect.

 

No submission or obedience stuff.

[MinivanMom]

I was never taught that I should obey all adults. I have a hard time even wrapping my mind around the concept. But I grew up in California so there definitely was not any attitude that adults were better than children. In fact, as a child I was encouraged to call most adults by their first name. That's a pretty regional thing, though. I was always very polite and respectful to adults, but I was respectful to everyone. And I felt like everyone, including adults, was respectful toward me.

 

I lived in the deep South for several years after graduating from college, and I really struggled with the cultural shift. I'm totally cool with the "yes, ma'am" and "yes, sir"-thing and with the expectation that you show respect through an extra dose of politeness and deference, but I really struggled with the open hostility that many people displayed toward young people. Respect goes both ways.

 

For my kids, I teach them to treat all people with respect. I also teach them to obey people in authority over them only within the context that the person holds authority. So they need to obey a teacher when they are in that teacher's class, and when the teacher is directing them in matters related to the work or behavioral management of that class. But I don't want them to be blindly obedient to anyone, not even me. I have told them that they don't need to obey an authority figure if they are told to do something wrong or if they feel uncomfortable in any way. This hasn't really come up as an issue, though, and I have frequently been told by teachers and coaches that my kids are very polite and respectful.

[MercyA]

Her father and I should be obeyed, unless we ask her to do something contrary to Scripture, in which case she is welcome to immediately question us. Disagreements can, of course, be respectfully discussed. 

 

She should follow the instructions of co-op teachers and Sunday School teachers, unless they ask her to do something she knows is wrong or something that makes her uncomfortable. She should feel free to politely communicate the problem to them (or just say, "No, I'm not going to do that") and tell me about it later.

 

All adults are fallible. All adults can do sinful things. That includes relatives, police officers, politicians, teachers, and others in positions of authority. She should, in general, follow the rules of her community and her country, unless she is asked to do something contrary to Scripture or to her conscience, in which case she should consider God's law the higher standard.

 

All people should be treated politely and with kindness, with the obvious exception of someone who is trying to hurt her or others. 

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by MercyA

[EMS83]

Thanks for all the answers!!  We live in the South, too, though my parents are not southerners.  I was just kind of curious because it comes up occasionally.  Some people respond like I'm expecting too much and others it's the opposite.  I guess we all think our way is the best.  :D  

[redsquirrel]

I just ask them to be respectful and considerate of people. I've never felt the need to tell them to give adults special treatment or deference beyond what they would give to their peers. That seems to have been enough. They are polite and useful children and have never given me a worry on that front.  They seem to have figured out that different situations have different requirements in terms of behaviour and language etc. And they know to hold doors and offer seats to people who might need one

 

[J-rap]

We kind of raised our kids to believe adults are simply older kids, I guess.  I mean, we never worded it exactly like that, but we wanted to them to understand that many adults really aren't any wiser than peers their age.  I'd say they grew up not feeling intimidated by adults.  They simply respected them as they would anyone, if deserved.  

 

A couple of our kids ran into problems when they took a class or two at the local PS in high school and called their teachers by their first names.  They learned that certain circumstances required them to use Mr. and Mrs., and that's fine.  They were polite and considerate but were definitely not taught that adults are necessarily wiser.