How to deal with disappointment

[kewb]

My son was accepted to many fine schools. The one he really wants to attend did not come through with financial aid. We really can not afford it without ds going into debt. He is miserable and I don't know how to help him navigate this.

[OneStepAtATime]

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[Kareni]

How very frustrating for your son and for you.  I hope that one or more of those other fine schools has offered sufficient financial aid to make attending feasible and that his sadness will lessen.

 

Regards,

Kareni 

[kewb]

Thank you. He has two excellent schools that really came through with the aid to choose from and he does like them but in his mind they are not the ones. And he is finding it difficult to find his joy in the situation.

It is emotionally draining.

[Mom22ns]

Can you go back to his first choice and tell them he'd really like to come but they'd have to sweeten the deal? It depends on the college, but some will respond to that.

 

If that doesn't work, how about a follow up visit to the other two? Maybe he'll see something that changes his mind and makes one of them suddenly change to being perfect. :)

 

One thing that changed things for dd was looking at courses for fall. One school had huge class sizes (in spite of an average class size of 25) and another had some strange class times that will make an awkward schedule. Seeing what his schedule might actually be in the fall at each school could change how he looks at them.

[Tree Frog]

We faced this situation, too. What helped was time and focusing on where she was accepted. Once the decision where she wanted to attend was made, we began looking ahead to that school and planning what she could accomplish at her school. We also acknowledged her disappointment and encouraged her to look ahead. She is very happy now, but initially she was terribly disappointed.

[katilac]

It's okay to grieve a bit for the dream that didn't come true, but after a few days he needs to start focussing on the great things about the schools that did offer him enough aid. Starting with, these schools want him and offered enough aid! And there are truly no schools that we have looked into that don't have something great going for them . . . and we looked at a lot of schools. 

 

I agree that follow up visits might help rev up the excitement, along with looking at class schedules, joining the Facebook page, and so on.

 

I would give him some time and space to come to terms with it himself, but if he didn't, then he'd get the mom lecture on blooming where you are planted and handing adversity, lol. And not knowing what exciting things might happen in an unexpected situation. 

 

My dd mourned a bit for a couple of the  schools she isn't attending, even though it was her own decision. I think it's natural to mourn that 'first love' a bit, no matter why it didn't work out, you just have to make sure you move on and don't let it cast a cloud on the future. 

[Hoggirl]

I think financial rejections are harder to take than institutional rejections. It's easy for a child to say that s/he is fine with a "we'll have to see what happens," approach with regard to aid/merit, but it can be hard to put into actual practice when things don't work out as one had hoped.

 

The whole process is fraught with emotions. Give him a little space and time, and hang in there!

Edited April 8, 2016 by Hoggirl

[ThisIsTheDay]

:grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm sure he'll be okay in a few days.  Twelfth grade is a hard year, and all of this college stuff is emotional.

[hopskipjump]

{{hugs}} A friend's dd is going through this at the moment, and it's excruciating to watch. :( Especially when gobs of her friends are giddy and many are going to her (or their own) dream school without a care in the world (some received more academic aid than she did, others qualified for more financial aid, and the remaining ones... cost is no issue).

 

In the end, though, I have NEVER heard anyone say... EVER... "IF only I'd have gone to XYZ University and gone into tens of thousands of dollars in debt. My life would be so. much. better."

 

I HAVE often heard, on the other side, "If only I weren't saddled with all this student loan debt. The things I have had to put on hold because of those payments!!"

 

So, statistics are on his side that he's made the right choice. Doesn't help with the disappointment so much now... but in the long run... it will make all the difference in the world on so many levels!

[creekland]

I see this all the time at school, both from rejection and finances.

 

What works?

 

Allowing grief.  It IS sad for many of these kids, esp when peers are going elsewhere.

 

Logic #1.  I share with them that I went to my second choice school for financial reasons.  I loved it and even met hubby there.  In hindsight I wouldn't have changed a thing.  Many times things work out the way they do for a reason.

 

Logic #2.  The only students I've seen who have been disappointed with their colleges have been those in bad fits and those with excessive debt.  Assuming the colleges he's been accepted to were applied to due to being reasonable fits, chances are good that the excessive debt part could easily have him regretting his choice about 6 months after graduation.

 

Tiime.  We've had many more laps around the sun and have seen oodles of worse disappointment than a college choice.  They're young.  This IS bad for them.

 

The good thing... almost all kids I've seen who head off to their eventual school love it whether it was originally their first choice or 7th.

 

Give him a few days to grieve and ponder the logic, then see about buying T-shirts at his choice (not necessarily literally - just school code for starting to get into the idea of being a insert school mascot).

 

Best wishes to you and everyone else in your position.   :grouphug:

 

Had we won Powerball back when it was huge Hive scholarships could have covered a ton (sigh).  But there's that ideal world vs real world problem again.  We live in the real world.

[kewb]

Can you go back to his first choice and tell them he'd really like to come but they'd have to sweeten the deal? It depends on the college, but some will respond to that.

 

If that doesn't work, how about a follow up visit to the other two? Maybe he'll see something that changes his mind and makes one of them suddenly change to being perfect. :)

 

One thing that changed things for dd was looking at courses for fall. One school had huge class sizes (in spite of an average class size of 25) and another had some strange class times that will make an awkward schedule. Seeing what his schedule might actually be in the fall at each school could change how he looks at them.

 

Alreeady spoke with the college about the aid. It is what it is.

 

I know he will recover but it is so difficult.  There is so much he has missed out on due to my husband's illness and my dh is really feeling terrible about not being able to send him to his first choice.  It is heartbreaking all around.  The two schools that are excellent options for him, he has attended admitted student day at one and is attending the other this weekend.  He does like them and they are both excellent fits for him but the crushing disappointment of the first pick is so draining.  I do thank everyone for their advice and help.  I am making my index cards for when we talk to him next week and get ready to make the big decision. 

[Mom22ns]

Alreeady spoke with the college about the aid. It is what it is.

 

I know he will recover but it is so difficult.  There is so much he has missed out on due to my husband's illness and my dh is really feeling terrible about not being able to send him to his first choice.  It is heartbreaking all around.  The two schools that are excellent options for him, he has attended admitted student day at one and is attending the other this weekend.  He does like them and they are both excellent fits for him but the crushing disappointment of the first pick is so draining.  I do thank everyone for their advice and help.  I am making my index cards for when we talk to him next week and get ready to make the big decision. 

 

Time. Time and hugs. That is all there is for now. Watching your kids hurt is the worst.

 

:grouphug:  :grouphug:  :grouphug:

[kewb]

Sone good news. Dh and ds for home late from the accepted student day. Ds headed right to bed but dh told me how a little of how the visit went. In a nutshell, that ds is beginning to see that choosing a school that is the right fit and minimal debt it the smart choice. And ds did admit that the school definitely seems to have the support structure in place that he needs for his executive function challenges. That his fist pick school is a lot of "rah rah, we are a big school with a small school feel. Come to us." and the other two schools he is choosing between are more "this is why a small school is better. You are not a number, we care, etc."

There will still be disappoinment but I think it will be a bit more manageable then I originally thought.

[Kareni]

Sone good news. ...

There will still be disappointment but I think it will be a bit more manageable then I originally thought.

 

That does sound encouraging.  I wish him well as he makes his choice.

 

Regards,

Kareni

[Carol in Cal.]

In a similar situation, we caved and opted to pay for the increase mostly ourselves.  We required our daughter to pay the minimal Stafford loan amounts each year as a condition of letting her attend the (more expensive) college of her choice, and we are covering the rest.  Yes, there is a parent loan involved for part of it.

 

I'm not saying this to say that that is what you should do, but just wanted to let you know that it's not always unheard of to do so.

[kewb]

In a similar situation, we caved and opted to pay for the increase mostly ourselves.  We required our daughter to pay the minimal Stafford loan amounts each year as a condition of letting her attend the (more expensive) college of her choice, and we are covering the rest.  Yes, there is a parent loan involved for part of it.

 

I'm not saying this to say that that is what you should do, but just wanted to let you know that it's not always unheard of to do so.

 

Thank you for sharing your story.

[Matryoshka]

Dd seems to be a bit more disappointed today, after she's pretty much ruled out the OOS school that gave her full tuition, leaving the in-state with the ugly campus as her only no-loan option.  It does have a great program for her major, but I think she's mourning the college campus experience and also wishes it weren't quite so close to home (yeah, it's 10 minutes away - though she would be living on campus, not at home - but 'campus' really is a generous term.  More like city buildings in the same general area).  

 

There were three schools she was hoping for.  She got into all of them, which I do think makes it harder.  Two came out laughably unaffordable.  One we've asked to see if they'll adjust at all.  It's at about $9K over our EFC now, for the first year, and of course will be more expensive for the next three as tuition goes up and aid doesn't.  And she would have to take out the standard loans.  They have a coop program where she could earn enough to pay off most of them by graduation, which we've told her would still make it a good bet if we can swing our end.    

 

The in-state school also has a coop program, and because of merit aid is actually below our EFC, so she'll come out with money in the bank.  But, but, but...

 

I'm not even sure how to advise her if the other school comes back with a somewhat reasonable adjustment (long shot, I know).  If they did, I think dh and I would figure out a way to make it work if she really felt unhappy about next-door school.  But she insists she wants no loans and she will feel 'guilty' about having us pay more.  This is my super-frugal kid who never wants anything or spends any money she earns.  Pretty much anything I say is wrong right now, poor kid.

 

 

 

 

[katilac]

 

I'm not even sure how to advise her if the other school comes back with a somewhat reasonable adjustment 

 

Keep in mind that any adjustment they make is most likely only going to be for THIS coming year. You have to file every year, and whatever they offer you this year is the most likely scenario for the upcoming years as well. 

 

Unless they come back with an amazing offer that make the cost over all four years workable, I would be very tempted to let sleeping dogs lie this late in the game if she's pretty much made her decision. Don't start the agony all over again, kwim? 

 

After ruling out the more expensive schools, dd had some fun thinking of all the other things she could do with the money saved . . . if mom and dad pay so much less, I can definitely go abroad one summer, if I have no debt, I can buy a nicer car when I graduate, and so on. 

 

There are definitely times when the pricier school is the right choice, but if you decide against them, you might as well have fun with it. 

[Matryoshka]

Keep in mind that any adjustment they make is most likely only going to be for THIS coming year. You have to file every year, and whatever they offer you this year is the most likely scenario for the upcoming years as well. 

 

Unless they come back with an amazing offer that make the cost over all four years workable, I would be very tempted to let sleeping dogs lie this late in the game if she's pretty much made her decision. Don't start the agony all over again, kwim? 

 

After ruling out the more expensive schools, dd had some fun thinking of all the other things she could do with the money saved . . . if mom and dad pay so much less, I can definitely go abroad one summer, if I have no debt, I can buy a nicer car when I graduate, and so on. 

 

There are definitely times when the pricier school is the right choice, but if you decide against them, you might as well have fun with it. 

 

Yeah, if they come back with an adjustment that's only for one year, that's the same as not adjusting, and it's a no.  I kind of hinted at that in my letter, as they said 'oh, you should look at outside scholarships!' and I said, 'yes, we have but all of them we've found are for just one year, and that doesn't really do us any good.'  HINT HINT.  ;)   So, yeah, real long shot but...  at that one of those schools with the high male/female ratio, you'd think they'd be willing to be a bit more excited about a girl CompSci major with stats in the 90th percentile of their accepted students...  

 

But, not holding my breath at all - in fact, I think there are some real advantages at the next-door school, including a robotics minor and a huge robotics testing facility (expensive school has neither).  I'm going to try to get the woman (yes, it's a woman!) in charge of it give us a look around.  I'm also going to go over to 'campus', such as it is, in the next week on a nice sunny day and have a walk around to find any available green space.  Looking at google maps, there seems to be a river walk and a small park next to the arena, which is adjacent to the dorms.  Over where she'd be taking classes, the only grassy area we saw was two sad chairs and a table by the air conditioning condensers next to a parking lot... :(

[daijobu]

 

 

But, not holding my breath at all - in fact, I think there are some real advantages at the next-door school, including a robotics minor and a huge robotics testing facility (expensive school has neither).  I'm going to try to get the woman (yes, it's a woman!) in charge of it give us a look around.  I'm also going to go over to 'campus', such as it is, in the next week on a nice sunny day and have a walk around to find any available green space.  Looking at google maps, there seems to be a river walk and a small park next to the arena, which is adjacent to the dorms.  Over where she'd be taking classes, the only grassy area we saw was two sad chairs and a table by the air conditioning condensers next to a parking lot... :(

 

What a drag.  But for a small investment in landscaping, how many lovely well-qualified students are choosing to attend other schools?  And I don't trivialize the importance of green spaces to promote happiness and creativity and academic achievement.  One can argue that the money saved by ignoring beauty is well spent on keeping tuition low, but I don't know.  I'm really curious though to know what college this is.  The robotics program sounds like it has great potential.  It sounds like your dd could really soar there.  If you wouldn't mind PMing me to let me know, I'd like to keep it on my radar for my own dd.  

 

ETA:  You may consider asking the robotics head directly about the issue of campus beauty and how the faculty and students cope.  Your dd is already admitted, so now is the time to ask those critical questions.  Maybe efforts are made to take students off campus for R&R?  

Edited April 13, 2016 by daijobu