Has the "at arm's length" advice by the German mayor already been discussed?

[MSNative]

Did yall see this? I confess I missed it. Who knew that the way to avoid sexual assualt was so easy. (Insert eye roll)

 

"The mayor of Cologne on Wednesday offered some poorly received advice to female residents of her city after a wave of New Year's Eve attacks that shocked Germany.

 

"There’s always the possibility of keeping a certain distance of more than an arm’s length — that is to say to make sure yourself you don’t look to be too close to people who are not known to you, and to whom you don’t have a trusting relationship," Henriette Reker said, according to Britain's Guardian newspaper."

 

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/worldviews/wp/2016/01/06/after-wave-of-attacks-german-mayor-warns-women-to-keep-strangers-at-arms-length/

[Liz CA]

I wonder if she was caught off guard and stumbled around for a response. More alarming will be the backlash from this since it appears this is a ring of North Africans and Arab men who have done this on other occasions. There is already a strong sense of too many foreigners invading this small country and this is not going to help.

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I can't help but wonder what the response would be if a male mayor suggested such a thing.

[ErinE]

I wonder if she was caught off guard and stumbled around for a response. More alarming will be the backlash from this since it appears this is a ring of North Africans and Arab men who have done this on other occasions. There is already a strong sense of too many foreigners invading this small country and this is not going to help.

 

It is more alarming to you that a group of men from a culture that disrespects women might be restricted from entering the country or told to leave? More alarming than rape and sexual harassment? Really?

Edited January 8, 2016 by ErinE

[regentrude]

Not sure what is there to discuss. It was a stupid thing to say, and she is getting plenty of flak for it.

 

What happened is extremely concerning, because it will put a strain on the attitude towards refugees. The country that is reeling from 1 million arrivals over the course of a few months, and something like will have a negative effect on the willingness of people to accept refugees. The damage that these criminals did is very great, because it plays into every stereotype.

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

Well, I think she's right. 

 

When I was at university, I used to work at the front desk of the women's residence.  During the first weeks of school, especially during the frosh activities, it was really really common for new girls to go off with guys they just met, people neither they nor the friends they were making knew well.  Either out to bars or to their apartments, commonly without having friends know where they were going or expecting to return.

 

That's pretty stupid - its potentially putting oneself in a dangerous situation, and one where if something bad happens, they probably could not do much about it.

 

 

If you are going out on the town when there are obviously a bunch of jerks assaulting people, its a good idea to keep a look-out and not go off with people unknown to you - its something you owe to yourself.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Bluegoat

[regentrude]

Well, I think she's right. 

 

When I was at university, I used to work at the front desk of the women's residence.  During the first weeks of school, especially during the frosh activities, it was really really common for new girls to go off with guys they just met, people neither they nor the friends they were making knew well.  Either out to bars or to their apartments, commonly without having friends know where they were going or expecting to return.

 

That's pretty stupid - its potentially putting oneself in a dangerous situation, and one where if something bad happens, they probably could not do much about it.

If you are going out on the town when there are obviously a bunch of jerks assaulting people, its a good idea to keep a look-out and not go off with people unknown to you - its something you owe to yourself.

 

Huh? These women were celebrating New Year's Eve in a public town square.

They were not "going off" with strangers they just met.

 

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[regentrude]

It is more alarming to you that a group of men from a culture that disrespects women might be restricted from entering the country or told to leave? More alarming than rape and sexual harassment? Really?

 

I do not think this is what she meant at all.

The really alarming thing is not that these people may have to leave. What is alarming is the damage this will do for the reception of the hundreds of thousands of innocent refugees from these areas who are streaming into the country. Do you have any idea of the numbers of refugees arriving in Germany? Any population would be taxed by accepting these numbers, and having a few bad apples will spoil it for the rest of them. THAT is alarming.

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[Liz CA]

It is more alarming to you that a group of men from a culture that disrespects women might be restricted from entering the country or told to leave? More alarming than rape and sexual harassment? Really?

 

No, you misunderstood. What I meant is the potential for retaliative violence is more alarming than what the Cologne mayor said. Her remark obviously came across as ridiculous. I lived there as a child and teenager.  Back then, the majority of immigrants were Turkish. Now they are coming from a wide variety of places. While the country accepts refugees there was and perhaps always will be a tension between those that have just arrived and those that see the newcomers as intruders.

 

[idnib]

The irony, of course, is that she herself was stabbed last year. If this situation were at all funny, the jokes would write themselves. 

 

She should have simply kept her stabber at arm's length or dressed in a more covered fashion.  :glare:

Edited January 8, 2016 by idnib

[chiguirre]

Not sure what is there to discuss. It was a stupid thing to say, and she is getting plenty of flak for it.

This was pretty stupid, but the rest of the advice was a good idea. Going out in a group is a good idea. If you find yourself being harassed yelling and drawing a lot of attention to yourself is an excellent idea. It took me a while to figure this out on my own. I was so shocked and mortified the first time I was groped that I was paralyzed. The second time it happened years later, I had much better results by turning around and screaming rude language at the offender. Once everyone was watching us, he ran away.

[Carol in Cal.]

Huh? These women were celebrating New Year's Eve in a public town square.

They were not "going off" with strangers they just met.

 

ITA.

 

It behooves newcomers to accommodate themselves to local customs, which include in this case a high degree of assumptions of personal safety.

[ChocolateReignRemix]

nm 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix
Please be civil.

[regentrude]

This was pretty stupid, but the rest of the advice was a good idea. Going out in a group is a good idea. If you find yourself being harassed yelling and drawing a lot of attention to yourself is an excellent idea. It took me a while to figure this out on my own. I was so shocked and mortified the first time I was groped that I was paralyzed. The second time it happened years later, I had much better results by turning around and screaming rude language at the offender. Once everyone was watching us, he ran away.

 

But that was not pertinent to the situation. These women were in a crowded public space in town, they were surrounded by people, there was probably a lot of noise, and they were assaulted by groups of men.

ETA: In fact, there were police present who were prevented by the mob from assisting victims.

 

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[chiguirre]

ITA.

 

It behooves newcomers to accommodate themselves to local customs, which include in this case a high degree of assumptions of personal safety.

This isn't a question of local customs, these guys use the groping to distract victims while they pickpocket them.

[regentrude]

It behooves newcomers to accommodate themselves to local customs, which include in this case a high degree of assumptions of personal safety.

 

Would you elaborate? I do not understand this comment.

The only "newcomers" were the criminals who assaulted the women. Not doing so is not a question of "local custom".

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[Carol in Cal.]

Would you elaborate? I do not understand this comment.

The only "newcomers" were the criminals who assaulted the women. Not doing so is not a question of "local custom".

I was replying to the implication that women should not go out and relax/celebrate in public like that.  Being able to do that and assume that you'll be reasonably physically safe is a local custom.  It does not imply being a 'loose woman' or whatever.

 

Obviously the newcomers in utterly in the wrong and criminal.

 

But also, locals should not have to change their customs because of such tendencies.  And I use the term tendencies because there were so many criminals involved; this was far from an isolated incident.

[chiguirre]

But that was not pertinent to the situation. These women were in a crowded public space in town, they were surrounded by people, there was probably a lot of noise, and they were assaulted by groups of men.

 

I was on a busy street in Mexico City. If you stop dead and start screaming obscenities at someone, you will draw attention to yourself and your assailant. It doesn't jive with our ingrained sense of decorum, but it works even in a crowd, maybe especially in a crowd. As soon as people are watching, the gropers/pickpockets stop because they don't want an audience for their crimes.

[regentrude]

I was on a busy street in Mexico City. If you stop dead and start screaming obscenities at someone, you will draw attention to yourself and your assailant. It doesn't jive with our ingrained sense of decorum, but it works even in a crowd, maybe especially in a crowd. As soon as people are watching, the gropers/pickpockets stop because they don't want an audience for their crimes.

 

Again: this does not apply to the situation that is discussed. There were several hundred coordinated criminals.

There were police. The police were prevented by the mob from reaching the victims. They were assaulted with bottles and fireworks. Witnesses were threatened.

It was a mob situation, and screaming obscentities would have been drowned out in the din.

This is not a "busy street" situation. This was on the verge of a riot.

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[chiguirre]

This was on the verge of a riot.

Could you post a link to an English language article? The WashPo article linked above doesn't describe a riot, it says that small groups of men broke off from a larger group to attack and rob individual women at the train station. It doesn't describe what you're describing, but you've undoubtedly read better sources in German than that article.

[regentrude]

Could you post a link to an English language article? The WashPo article linked above doesn't describe a riot, it says that small groups of men broke off from a larger group to attack and rob individual women at the train station. It doesn't describe what you're describing, but you've undoubtedly read better sources in German than that article.

 

Google "cologne attacks". You get lots of hits.

 

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2016/jan/08/ive-never-experienced-anything-like-that-cologne-in-deep-shock-over-attacks

 

Nasan Nandinian, who runs a nearby newsagent, recalled the “large numbers†of women who entered his shop during the evening asking for shelter. “They came from the station, and said it was absolutely horrible – crowds so deep you could hardly move, and men who were intensely aggressive towards them. They were shaking. Some were crying. I let them stay here and use the toilet,†he said.

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-35250903

 

More than 100 women and girls have come forward with reports of sexual assault and robbery by gangs of men in the German city of Cologne on New Year's Eve.

 

http://www.bbc.com/news/world-europe-35248765

 

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/germany/12086473/Suspects-in-Cologne-sex-attacks-claimed-to-be-Syrian-refugees.html

 

 

“Around 10.45pm, the station forecourt filled with people of an immigrant background. Women literally had to run the gauntlet through the mass of drunk men, in a way you can’t describe,†the report said.

"Police forces were unable to respond to all the events, assaults and offences. There were just too many at the same time"

 

“We came to the conclusion that the situation threatened chaos or serious injury, if it didn’t lead to fatalities.â€

Police decided to clear the area but met with resistance and were “repeatedly bombarded with fireworks and pelted with bottlesâ€. The report describes members of the crowd as having consumed a “massive†quantity of alcohol and other intoxicating substances such as cannabis.

Police succeeded in clearing the area by around 12.15am but the violence continued as the crowd moved into the back streets.

“Many women came to officers shocked and crying and reported sex assaults. Police forces were unable to respond to all the events, assaults and offences. There were just too many at the same time.â€

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[swimmermom3]

Could you post a link to an English language article? The WashPo article linked above doesn't describe a riot, it says that small groups of men broke off from a larger group to attack and rob individual women at the train station. It doesn't describe what you're describing, but you've undoubtedly read better sources in German than that article.

 

This article from the New York Times depicts the female victims as screaming exactly like you suggested. It didn't work.

[EmseB]

This reports it as mob violence and says the police chief in Cologne has been suspended.

 

This article seems to indicate Cologne was not the only place it happened.  Seems like a strange coincidence.

[Word Nerd]

Is there any answer she could have given to "What can women do to protect themselves?" that wouldn't have resulted in someone being outraged? 

[swimmermom3]

This reports it as mob violence and says the police chief in Cologne has been suspended.

 

This article seems to indicate Cologne was not the only place it happened.  Seems like a strange coincidence.

 

Social media makes coordinating flash mobs much easier. I don't know if that's really what this was. 

[Carol in Cal.]

Is there any answer she could have given to "What can women do to protect themselves?" that wouldn't have resulted in someone being outraged? 

Here is my answer:

 

"Women should not have to protect themselves.  Our free society depends in part on everyone being treated with respect for bodily integrity.  It is completely unacceptable to change our city or for that matter our country in such a way that we cannot celebrate a public holiday safely in public together.  The perpetrators of this outrage will be caught and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, every last one of them.  And preventative measures will be taken to make sure that this does not happen again.  We refuse to live in fear."

[regentrude]

Is there any answer she could have given to "What can women do to protect themselves?" that wouldn't have resulted in someone being outraged? 

 

There is absolutely nothing these women could have done to protect themselves, other than staying home.

The police were overwhelmed by the number of incidents and the crowds and unable to control the situation.

 

So no, anything the mayor could have said would have been considered ridiculous or insulting. Because, obviously, she can't tell women the only way to  stay safe is to stay in their homes.

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[swimmermom3]

Is there any answer she could have given to "What can women do to protect themselves?" that wouldn't have resulted in someone being outraged? 

 

Given the manner of the assaults, the only effective answer that she could have given was for women to stay in their homes and not to leave. 

 

Any other answer she could have offered would have been outrageous, because it obviously would have been ineffective in these circumstances. 

 

ETA:  regentrude beat me to it!  The question has that feel of "loose women who take risks get what they get."  

 

One woman was walking with her boyfriend.  Gah!

Edited January 8, 2016 by swimmermom3

[Bluegoat]

Huh? These women were celebrating New Year's Eve in a public town square.

They were not "going off" with strangers they just met.

 

 

Yes.  In that context, I think that boils down to - keep your eye on the people around you.  Which isn't especially enlightening, but not really offensive.

 

The reason people get offended IMO is they think of it in the same way they would respond to my advice to those frosh - which is, think about who you are going off with and if you still want to go take some precautions like telling your friend - is that they think this somehow makes people responsible for other's decisions to be criminal.

[regentrude]

Yes.  In that context, I think that boils down to - keep your eye on the people around you.  Which isn't especially enlightening, but not really offensive.

 

So how would that have helped? Did you read the reports?

 

 

“They came from the station, and said it was absolutely horrible – crowds so deep you could hardly move, and men who were intensely aggressive towards them.

 

I guess they should not have tried to take a train?

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[Bluegoat]

nm 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by Susan Wise Bauer
Don't engage rudeness.

[Bluegoat]

So how would that have helped? Did you read the reports?

 

 

 

I guess they should not have tried to take a train?

 

It might not have helped.  There really isn't any advice that will always help.  For that matter, short of curfews and such, there probably isn't anything that can be done to totally eliminate such things.  If we want a fairly free society, we live with it.

 

In a best case scenario, people might have noticed something brewing fishy before it happened, and taken off or gone into a building.  Mobs can happen all of a sudden, but often there is a kind of build-up, even if its short.

[swimmermom3]

Yes.  In that context, I think that boils down to - keep your eye on the people around you.  Which isn't especially enlightening, but not really offensive.

 

The reason people get offended IMO is they think of it in the same way they would respond to my advice to those frosh - which is, think about who you are going off with and if you still want to go take some precautions like telling your friend - is that they think this somehow makes people responsible for other's decisions to be criminal.

 

What!!!!! I just got off of a train, one I've taken dozens of times before, and suddenly there are hundreds of drunk men surrounding me and I SHOULD KEEP AN EYE ON THE PEOPLE AROUND ME?????

 

This advice is along the lines of "Don't go to the mall; you might get shot."

[3 ladybugs]

I thought about starting this topic before but didn't do it. I was furious when I heard the comments. My son is studying German so anything that makes the news over here about Germany perks my ears up. 

 

Back to the point, back before I met my husband, I used to go dancing in New York City nearly every weekend. Many weekends I went with a group of men (grad students) but most of the time I would go in by myself and meet up with the grad students or not. I would go dancing in the Times Square area, Central park or in Chelsea. Often I would come home around 1 am, sometimes later.   I imagine the women in question were much like I used to be. You go out and have a good time and expect to come home in one piece. You know that there are potential dangers, but you don't let them control you. I don't think for a second that these women didn't know about their surroundings any more then I did when I walked through Times Square. It is impossible in those situations to stay "an arms length" away from people. 

[chiguirre]

That's completely nuts! There were 200 police in the vicinity and they couldn't (or wouldn't?) control a doped up and drunk mob shooting firecrackers into crowded streets and wilding through a train station. I hope they at least have security cameras so they can track down and arrest the perps.

 

US cops have gotten a bad rap this last year, but could you imagine something like this happening in Times Square? The Cologne police didn't seem to follow basic crowd control (or common sense) measures.

[Carol in Cal.]

It might not have helped.  There really isn't any advice that will always help.  For that matter, short of curfews and such, there probably isn't anything that can be done to totally eliminate such things.  If we want a fairly free society, we live with it.

 

 

On the contrary.

 

If we want a fairly free society, we establish clear societal expectations around bodily integrity and personal safety.  And we ensure that those are clearly conveyed as entirely non-negotiable to all, native and visitor alike.  We do not give up our freedom lightly, nor do we give up our right to public space at all.

Edited January 8, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[Valley Girl]

Here is my answer:

 

"Women should not have to protect themselves.  Our free society depends in part on everyone being treated with respect for bodily integrity.  It is completely unacceptable to change our city or for that matter our country in such a way that we cannot celebrate a public holiday safely in public together.  The perpetrators of this outrage will be caught and prosecuted to the full extent of the law, every last one of them.  And preventative measures will be taken to make sure that this does not happen again.  We refuse to live in fear."

 

Exactly! Hopefully the authorities address this head-on and swiftly.

[swimmermom3]

I know what happened, I knew shortly after it occured.  I think telling people to watch out for themselves is reasonable advice. 

 

People get worked up over that advice even in obvious situations like the one I mentioned. So I am not surprised they are getting worked up about it here.

 

Oh, the condescension burns.  

 

Maybe doling out "sensible" advice makes some people feel like an event was preventable if only everyone was as sensible as the adviser. I get it.  Doling out advice eases the cognitive dissonance when something occurs that probably was not preventable.

 

Makes everyone feel all warm and fuzzy, right?  Except the victims and those trying to protect them.

[Bluegoat]

On the contrary.

 

If we want a fairly free society, we establish clear societal expectations around bodily integrity and personal safety.  And we ensure that those are clearly conveyed as entirely non-negotiable to all, native and visitor alike.  We do not give up our freedom lightly, nor do we give up our right to public space at all.

 

We do have clear societal expectations about those things.  There are other societies that have probably been more draconian about it.

 

Even the strongest most from-the-gut social taboos we have, supported by laws, don't stop people from doing bad things, even as a group.   

[ChocolateReignRemix]

nm 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by ChocolateReignRemix
Discuss the issue, don't insult others.

[Word Nerd]

Given the manner of the assaults, the only effective answer that she could have given was for women to stay in their homes and not to leave. 

 

Any other answer she could have offered would have been outrageous, because it obviously would have been ineffective in these circumstances. 

 

ETA:  regentrude beat me to it!  The question has that feel of "loose women who take risks get what they get."  

 

One woman was walking with her boyfriend.  Gah!

 

Then why isn't anyone outraged at whoever asked her that question in the first place? 

[regentrude]

Then why isn't anyone outraged at whoever asked her that question in the first place? 

 

Why would anybody be outraged?

The mayor had talked at the press conference about about preventing such events, and the (female) journalist said "Permit me a quick question. You mentioned prevention earlier - I have no idea: just how can women protect themselves in such a situation? What are the suggestions the city perhaps has in mind?"

 

Very valid and logical question. And maybe a rhetorical one, too.

Edited January 8, 2016 by regentrude

[Carol in Cal.]

We do have clear societal expectations about those things.  There are other societies that have probably been more draconian about it.

 

Even the strongest most from-the-gut social taboos we have, supported by laws, don't stop people from doing bad things, even as a group.   

The degree to which such things are unthinkable varies a great deal from society to society.

 

I live in the US, and I would say that such things are considered outrageous but not unthinkable here; but that they are considered entirely unthinkable in Germany or, say, Japan.  And clearly they are somehow not comparably unthinkable in the same way for the perpetrators.

 

(edited for clarity)

Edited January 8, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[idnib]

One woman was walking with her boyfriend.  Gah!

 

One 15 year old girl was walking with her dad! I can't imagine how he felt.

[MSNative]

I just don't understand her thought process. For example, this is what she said about the upcoming carnival festivities.

 

"To prevent further violence in Cologne during the coming Carnival celebrations, when thousands of costumed revelers throng the streets for the beginning of Lent, which falls on Feb. 10 this year, Ms. Reker said that city officials would work to help women protect themselves and to explain the city’s attitudes and norms to newcomers.

 

“We will explain our Carnival much better to people who come from other cultures,†she said, “so there won’t be any confusion about what constitutes celebratory behavior in Cologne, which has nothing to do with a sexual frankness.â€"

 

If this is about refugees and/or newcomers, does she really think that they as a group believe that assaulting women is ok? If she really believes that that is the cultural norm where they come from then why on earth would she push to let them in to their country or city? (And clearly she is pro-refugee and has been attacked for that stance) Is there a culture that thinks that sexual assualt is just honky dory?

Her comments also seem to presume that it was the newcomers rather who did the assaulting. Has any evidence been made public about that?

It's just confusing. She seems both pro and anti-refugee and seems to blame the women for being vicitms.

 

Eta: here is the link for the quote http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/06/world/europe/coordinated-attacks-on-women-in-cologne-were-unprecedented-germany-says.html?_r=0

Edited January 8, 2016 by MSNative

[Carol in Cal.]

“We will explain our Carnival much better to people who come from other cultures,†she said, “so there won’t be any confusion about what constitutes celebratory behavior in Cologne, which has nothing to do with a sexual frankness.â€"

 

If this is about refugees and/or newcomers, does she really think that they as a group believe that assaulting women is ok?

I don't think that there are many groups who think that assaulting women is OK (well, ISIS does), but there are some groups of men that think that women celebrating in public are 'fair game' or 'asking for it' or who have heard that women in other countries are sexually loose and willing to sleep with anyone, or who don't really distinguish between fun sex and forced sex.

 

There is a lot of room between 'OK' and 'unthinkable', and in a culture where this is pretty much unthinkable it is disconcerting to suddenly be around a lot of people who view it more as 'not OK but if I can get away with it, whatever.'  Or as 'not OK at home, but here where women are so much looser, it must not be all that serious.'

 

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by Carol in Cal.

[MSNative]

And I don't understand this thinking either.

 

"Martin Thalhammer, the headmaster at Wilhelm-Diess-Gymnasium, a school in Pocking, Bavaria, sent a letter home to parents advising them that “Syrian citizens are mainly Muslims and speak Arabic. The refugees are marked by their own culture. Because our school is directly next to where they are staying, modest clothing should be adhered to, in order to avoid discrepancies. Revealing tops or blouses, short shorts or miniskirts could lead to misunderstandings.â€

[rdj2027]

And I don't understand this thinking either.

 

"Martin Thalhammer, the headmaster at Wilhelm-Diess-Gymnasium, a school in Pocking, Bavaria, sent a letter home to parents advising them that “Syrian citizens are mainly Muslims and speak Arabic. The refugees are marked by their own culture. Because our school is directly next to where they are staying, modest clothing should be adhered to, in order to avoid discrepancies. Revealing tops or blouses, short shorts or miniskirts could lead to misunderstandings.â€

Is it so different than dress codes in American schools?  We have had no skirts/shorts above the knee, no tank tops, no mid riffs, no leggings, no boatnecks...  because it distracts boys.

[umsami]

Sigh.  Way to blame the victim, lady.

 

Just going to add that in Egypt, 99% of women report sexual harassment.  (Realize this is not Syria.)  It doesn't matter what women are wearing.  They've attacked women in niqab. (Niqab is the face veil.  You can't get more covered up than that.)  

 

Some men are sexual predators.  It's a problem women in every country face.   I'm not so sure if this would be making the international news if these were "just" Germans.  In some Middle Eastern countries, perps often get away with attacks because of a "blame the victim" mentality and not wanting to tarnish a girl or even her entire family's reputation.  It's a big problem.  We're slowly changing attitudes in the US and other Western countries...but there's still a long way to go abroad.  I have seen a lot of positive changes over the past 3-4 years regarding domestic violence and sexual abuse, though.  Hoping it continues.

[MSNative]

Is it so different than dress codes in American schools? We have had no skirts/shorts above the knee, no tank tops, no mid riffs, no leggings, no boatnecks... because it distracts boys.

Yes and no. The school clearly did not have this dress code prior to being next to the refugee area. So obviously it's not because of boys in general. The headmaster specifically said this was because of these specific Syrian men. If he really believes that those men are a threat then I would suggest dealing with them rather than telling girls to cover up lest they drive the men to rape because they showed off too much leg. Just as I disagree with saying girls need to cover up so as to not distract boys, I completely disagree with girls need to cover up so that guys don't rape them. That's blaming the victim instead of dealing with the problem.